I didn't recognize Plus/Minus behind those Clark Kent glasses

I seem to have an awful lot to say, considering that the Canadiens only played one game this week.

PLUS

+ Everything about that Red Wings game was fantastic. This isn't just a Plus, it's a Plus four thousand.
+ Carey Price was one of the best things about All-Star weekend, from his reaction to being drafted by a Bruin and a Leaf to his silliness during the skills competition.
+ To the inevitable jokes happening in the Florida Panthers' locker room this week, after poor Brian Campbell's accidental indecent exposure became the talk of the Internet.

+ I didn't want to, but I'll admit it: Scott Hartnell is a mensch and a joy to watch in the All-Star Game.
+ A toast to the NHL's apparent newest player rivalry, Patrick Kane vs. Jordan Eberle - look at the angry stare on Kane's face here:



+ I have made my share of LeBron James jokes in the last year or so, but there can be no jokes when it comes to moves like these:

+ Congratulations to Melissa McCarthy (Sookie!) on getting an Oscar nomination for her fearless, hysterical performance in Bridesmaids.

MINUS

- Poor players get named to the All-Star Game, then are given free hats but the hats are fug. Most of us know that Steven Stamkos plays for the Lightning. There was no need to give him a hat that says TAMPABAYLIGHTNING on it in letters so large that you can only see half the team name at a time.
- To everyone who tried to make a news story out of Carey Price not shaking Zdeno Chara's hand: concentrate on more important things, like the possibility of a Patrick Kane-Jordan Eberle rivalry.
- If I understood the story correctly, the doctors treating Sidney Crosby misdiagnosed him, and this is the first we hear of him having fractured vertebrae. If that's the case, then the doctors who treat Penguins players have got to be some of the most inept people on Earth.


- I'm sorry, but as much as I may love The Office, I'm not jazzed about this announcement of a Dwight Schrute spin-off. No. Let The Office end the way it needs to end, and then leave it be, unless this new show is either all about Cousin Mose. Or, if it is a Dwight spin-off, it should be some ridiculously nerdy high-concept series starring Dwight and his BBC counterpart Gareth.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to decide whether I'm Team Kane or Team Eberle.

Plus/Minus: no Guardian holograms here

So I know everyone hates on the All-Star Game when really they should be directing that hate toward something more deserving, like Two and a Half Men, the show so bad that Charlie Sheen upped his drug intake just to avoid quitting his job.
Uh, I still have the All-Star superskills on tape and have only seen the Fastest Skater so far, so I can't comment on them per se but I can probably just wing it and say that PK Subban and Alexander Ovechkin were great at breakaways.

PLUS

I cannot take credit for this. It was somewhere on Tumblr. We salute whoever made it.

+ The All-Star mock draft was surprisingly enjoyable. I expected it to be as boring as a regular draft, but it was hockey players in suits having a good time. So... fun.
+ My number one highlight of the All-Star draft was Matt Duchene of the Colorado Avalanche making lame jokes about being one of the last guys picked and laughing at his own jokes. He was so awkward and adorable and exactly like George Michael Bluth.
+ So Ryan White got five minutes of ice time against the Flyers. But he didn't waste them, right?

MINUS

- I had a bit more faith in this NHL Guardian Project than most people, but I was pretty disappointed by the climactic presentation between periods at the ASG. I waited and waited to see what kind of villain they'd face, and it was a Zurg wannabe named Deven Dark. ("Deven Dark"? Really? Sounds like he should be in some emo band.) There was no actual story - it was just a five-minute commercial for the Guardian Project website.
- Raleigh did a lot of things right over All-Star weekend, but their in-house announcer guy is not an All-Star.
- Kris Letang's hair.
- A rumour erupted on Twitter about Jarome Iginla being traded to the New York Rangers. I can't even think about it, it's just so awful.
- Speaking of Twitter, Dave Stubbs unearthed a hateful, prejudiced tweet from some douche Flyers fan. That guy gets a minus, and if ever I meet him, a slap in the face. (But laurels to Mr. Stubbs for calling him out on it.)

Regular hockey is back tomorrow! And now everyone will talk about the trade deadline, the end-of-season rush, and going to the playoffs, and then the playoffs and then the Stanley Cup. Is the season over already?

Plus/Minus: Cool as ice

Somehow this Plus/Minus is longer than the two games the Canadiens played this week. And considering how long that Devils game felt, that's saying something. I took a break from it to watch The Office and I doubt I missed a single thing.

PLUS

+ Andrei Kostitsyn: holy crap. I wish Statistics Canada could give us stats on how many people got rid of their #46 shirts before this season and now regret it.
+ I almost want to give Carey Price two pluses: One for playing so well, even though one of this week's shutouts didn't belong to him, and the other for giving me the kind of happiness that only comes from giving Carey Price a plus every week.
+ Steve Bégin has a job!! Proud of him.
+ Did you guys see Marc Denis on TSN? He was much more focused and articulate than I've ever seen him on French TV. He gets a plus for keeping it together in a language that isn't his first, on a network that has slightly higher standards than RDS.
+ Building another rink for kids to skate on. Canadiens > municipal government.
+ Elsewhere in the league: hat tricks! Daniel Alfredsson (scoring his 1000th NHL point), Brad Richardson led the LA Kings to a win (matching the #GoKings' win in the Twitter hashtag battle for charity) and John Tavares and Lee Stempniak scored their first NHL hat tricks. (It's OK, Stemps isn't a Leaf anymore.)

GONE

+ If you're a Flyers fan, savour this moment for all it's worth. I may never give a Plus to a Flyer ever again. But Scott Hartnell has truly earned this Plus for donating his hair to Locks of Love. There's a sick little kid somewhere who's going to love his or her new wig, no matter whose hair it contains. And anyone who's cut their long hair really short knows that you notice when it's gone.

MINUS

- We had to wait 5 (FIVE!) days between Canadiens games.
- And then not a single goal against the Devils.
- Did I mention that I didn't see last Saturday's game, so I actually went six days between games?
- Now that Dave Morissette, giant teddy bear and BFF of PJ Stock, has left RDS, all the network has going for it is, um, Pierre Houde. And ok, Guy Carbonneau too. What are the odds that they'll hire someone else I like, or fire pretty much anyone not mentioned here?

Is there anyone left in this picture worth watching?

- Speaking of RDS: Alain Crete. The jacket. Again.- Does Mike Boone think that the Four Habs Fans are holding auditions for a #5? In the last week alone, he ripped off their "capitalize the CH wherever possible" thing, imitated the style of their Morning Skate posts, and talked about hoochies ice girls. It's not funny when Boone does it. Do what you're paid to do, guy.
- You know what? It's not even worth writing about all this "Rick Rypien attacks a fan" business. If you didn't already know that you should accept the consequences of your actions, now you do. The "fan" got a little shaken up (literally) after getting out of his seat to shout at an already angry hockey player. Rick Rypien let out his frustrations on someone other than an opponent. Whatever. And, by the way, it seems a little strange to me that the "victim" gave his statement to the NHL, then went crying to the press, and THEN went looking for legal representation after that. Then again, I am neither a lawyer nor a lawsuit-happy opportunist, so what do I know?
- Edmonton: good job getting cheerleaders. You know, because having three of the most talked-about rookies in the league isn't going to help you sell tickets. Taylor who? People go to hockey games for the skanks, right?

Not sure if this is a plus or minus
Did anyone else notice, in his pre-Senators game interview, Tom Pyatt's hair made him look a little bit like Vanilla Ice?

Just Two Guys

Wow, in the same day we got news about two former Habs stars signing up for new projects.

Guy Carbonneau will be joining the RDS team, and I'm not sure what that means but I have a few ideas:
- RDS are a bunch of idiots for not hiring him earlier;
- We're done with Benoit Brunet and/or Joel Bouchard;
- There will be one man on RDS who wouldn't be caught dead in the fugly brown jacket;
- Carbo's chances of getting an NHL coaching job anytime soon are only slightly better than Bob Hartley's.

I watch more RDS than CBC, so this means a whole lotta Carbo for me. (I will not make a "carbo-loading" pun here, because come on.) Jacques Martin needs to be on his toes all season. One stupid move, one moment in which he's too calm, one ugly suit, and I'll be comparing him to angry Carbo. Who looks at himself in the mirror before he leaves the house.

We also found out that Guy Lafleur will be going on a farewell tour, playing seven games across the province from October to December. Why do I feel like this is going to be the hockey equivalent of every recording artist's farewell tour ever, which usually lasts three years, coincides with a new greatest hits album and a memoir, includes an appearance on Oprah, and is only a "farewell" tour until the market is ripe for a reunion tour?

Or, does this mean that we have to say goodbye to The Flower, who is the Guy Lafleur that everyone loves, and brace ourselves for even more Chatty Old Man Lafleur? Please, no. I like Hockey Lafleur. I don't like that other guy. Whether this "farewell tour" also implies retirement from unsolicited opinions remains to be seen.

Plus/Minus apologizes for a weak week in blogging

Last week's Plus/Minus was overdue and below par, and then we didn't write as much as we usually do in a week, and this week's is also a couple of days late, so you probably hate HIHW right now, but HIHW still loves you. See? I'm making this Plus/Minus all fancy and up to standard.

PLUS

+ To our Hamilton Bulldogs for clinching their division title! Take THAT, other AHL teams!
+ To this guy...

because for some reason this made me laugh really, really hard. Congratulations, Hunter Bishop's cousin! Welcome to the fam.
+ Six wins in a row. Plus an OT loss that gave us one point, so six and a half wins in a row. Go Habs Go!
+ Plekanec's injury didn't seem to be that serious! For once in our lives!
+ To the Habs fan in Toronto who attended Saturday's game wearing a Kostopoulos jersey.

MINUS

I hate you right now, Regis... what? It's Regin with an N? Whoops...

- Let's be honest, it would have been nice to beat the Leafs. And the Sens.
- Bob Hartley gets the quote of the week: "Une game de hockey c'est comme la vie. Tu sais que ca va être un party mais faut que tu decides quand." (For you people not working in francophone offices, that roughly translates to "hockey is like life, you know it'll be a party but you gotta decide when.") If he never gets another coaching job and tires of being on RDS, he could always try his hand at writing American Pie movies.
- I gave myself a standing obligation to give Alain Crete a minus every time he wears that terrible eyesore of a camel jacket. So here it is. At least he's wearing it less often.
- File this under "words I never expected to put in the same sentence": I'm really glad that Travis Moen didn't lose an eye.
- Ryan O'Byrne, as I've said before, is steadily improving, but in order to really be Fancy New O'Byrne he needs to spend less time in the penalty box.
- Paul Mara's gone. Stupid shoulder surgery.

There's nine games left in the season. Nine games for our Habs to kick a little more ass before the toughest part of the year. Let's get it together, fans, and lose our minds in preparation for the playoffs. I promise I'll try to be here along with you, as long as the Internet permits it.
Go Habs Go!

It's always ugly in Philadelphia: a Rookie-style game preview

As the world gears up for the Olympics, the Montreal Canadiens are getting ready for back-to-back games against the Phildelphia Flyers. (No opening ceremonies for star players like Markov and Halak, I guess.)

Instead of giving you all kinds of information on what the team's done since the Winter Classic, who cuckolded who, and which players are the ones to watch (y'know, Ray Emery's one of the most talented black players in the NHL, Jeff Carter made it to the Team Canada roster in the nick of time), I'm going to focus on something a bit more obvious.

This team is ugly. I know that female hockey fans are often judged because people think we only watch the sport because we like cute boys or whatever, and don't get me started on snap judgments and generalizations, but here I can't help but say the opposite as loudly as I can.
Honestly, I think the Philadelphia Flyers might be the fugliest team in hockey.
Their style of play is ugly - they don't call them the Broad Street Bullies for nothing. Their jerseys and their logo are complete eyesores. And let's be honest, their team photo isn't going to wind up in the pages of Tiger Beat anytime soon. Mike Richards is one of those twentysomethings that seems to enjoy looking like a forty-year-old suburbanite. Dan Carcillo looks like the kind of guy you'd see on Cops. Chris Pronger's got a weird-ass face, which reminds Czechtacular of some weird, post-sex-change, roid-raging Madonna. And if asked to describe Scott Hartnell, I'm not sure whether I'd go with "vomit-inducing Lord of the Rings type of Viking dude" or tell people he's the origin of the phrase "beat you like a red-headed stepchild."

In normal-looking hockey team news, Carey Price starts tonight.

Thoughts? Are the Flyers the ugliest team in hockey?
And are the Habs going to beat them like... well, you know?

Just what the doctor ordered...

... for everyone but Cammy. (Poor Mike Cammalleri. First that disgusting injury, then random, out-of-nowhere slander in La Presse. That's an FML moment if there's ever been one.)

Let's face it: the Habs don't have the best record, and they've got guys who are injured, guys who are sick, and guys who aren't playing as well as they always do. I was really hoping for a great game against the Canucks, win or lose. (Don't get me wrong - I wanted a win, but Halak and Luongo are my fantasy hockey goalies, so in this particular instance I'd get points either way.) Whoever spent $125 on scalped seats in the blues got their money's worth, for once. No, seriously, this morning I asked a scalper how much tickets were going for, and that's what he told me.

This is the kind of hockey that I'd love to watch every day... Two teams fighting for the puck, literally and figuratively, penalties going back and forth, and just enough goals to keep things going.

If I hadn't decided it already, I have to say that Joel Bouchard is completely useless. I appreciate his intentions in interviewing Kirk Muller, but he might just have the worst grammar of any English speaker on RDS. He was also wearing a shirt the colour of a Dora the Explorer lunchbox, and when asked what happened when Sergei Kostitsyn left the ice late in the 3rd and walked RIGHT PAST HIM, had little more to contribute than a Kanye shrug.
I know I do an inordinate amount of complaining about RDS, but this next thing isn't really their fault: Sami Salo's name doesn't translate to French very nicely.

If I had to guess which Habs were going to nab two penalties in this game, Roman Hamrlik might have been on the list. Yannick Weber would definitely not have been on the list. Then again, you can never predict when someone's going to get Ryan Kesler where it hurts.
I also wouldn't have guessed that a mini-rivalry is blooming between Ryan O'Byrne and Mason Raymond, but they took advantage of their shared ice time to get in a few hits. They're both my homies, so it was quite entertaining. In case you missed it, I was outed as a Raymond fan today, but it's really not Habs-threatening at all.

Me, I'm sorry, bro

When you're facing a goalie like Roberto Luongo (who's been 19-5-2 in the last two months, holy crap), you've got to step up your game. And our forwards did - those were some wicked goals. Luongo looked mighty angry after Plekanec's game-winning goal... but he knows better for the Olympics, right?

This wasn't necessarily the easiest win this team has had, but if our Habs can manage to play like this every game, it'll be a very good thing.

*Pictures cropped from Canadiens.com

Plus/Minus: Welcome to 2010 edition

Hugs have been exchanged, the Winter Classic has come and gone, and the champagne has finished flowing. The new year has officially begun, and I've got two weeks to plus and minus since I skipped last week, unannounced. So much for the new year's resolutions I told my mommy I'd make.
Over the last two weeks, the Canadiens have faced bitter rivals and teams that are also bitter rivals but maybe not as much as others. There have been wins, losses, heartbreaking injuries, and triumphant returns. Basically, 2010 is like every other one of the last 100 years so far.

PLUS

+ The biggest plus of the week (they're all equal but some are more equal than others) goes to Benoit Pouliot for proving his awesomeness, for his impressive first goal as a Hab, and for finding his place alongside Gionta and Gomez.
+ The Bulldogs have been doing very, very well lately.
+ Should old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, the Canadiens know that they can always recall Ryan White. (Too bad he was sent down as quickly as he was called up... hopefully we'll see him again soon if we need him.)
+ A brilliant New Year's Eve victory against Florida. Who knew that you don't need to be on your feet to win a game?
+ Alex Kovalev for his four-goal night last week.
+ The Jaroslav Halak we know and love: solid even in losses and capable of showing his worth when compared to the world's best.
+ You won't hear me say very much about Patrick Kane, but I love hearing stories about athletes who make an effort to reach out to their fans.

MINUS

- Most of Montreal is winter-white right now, except Alain Crete, who is orange. Is he trying to pretend he's on Jersey Shore or something?
- Dear Ryan Miller: you may think you're like invincible or something but you are not. The Habs will kick your ass someday. Someday soon. Get ready to look like... whoever your backup is.
- Okay, so as it turns out, the injury fairy has returned to our town. Poor Andrei Kostitsyn. This also doesn't bode well for Team Belarus at the Olympics.
- Former Hab violence: Mike Ribeiro seems to be out forever after an accidental hit to the face from Chris Higgins. This doesn't bode well for Team Portugal at the Olympics.

And now we've got to go back to coming up with entertaining stuff to write during this half-week-long drought. (Here's hoping for another game like last night's epic outing between the Flames and Canucks... I promise to try not to skip Plus/Minus next week, even though there'll only be two Habs games to talk about.

Plus/Minus: A new century

There was no Gordie Howe or Viggo Mortensen this week. There wasn't even a hat trick this week, although AK46 came close enough last night. What was there to talk about, then? Plenty, with four games in six days and more of the same this week. Oh, and a family Christmas party at the Bell Centre!


PLUS

+ Somehow, we haven't yet mentioned how great Max Pacioretty has been in the last few games. I know, we're idiots for it. Please accept this Plus as our apology.
+ 3 The Kostitsyn brothers and Marc-André Bergeron have also been playing very well on their respective lines.
+ This week's injuries didn't seem to be as serious as we feared they'd be.
+ I guess heartburn is cool now, because I learned this week that Ken Dryden used to have terrible indigestion. I wonder if I can get the recipe for Dryden's magic green goo.
+ PJ Stock gently ribbed his co-panelists on L'Antichambre this week, and it was probably the best thing RDS has given me in a very long time.
+ We're assuming that Benoit Pouliot will be ready for the CH pretty soon.
+ Andrei Markov skated for almost an hour a few days ago. Some people are expecting him to come back as soon as this week, and as much as I miss him, I don't care when he comes back, as long as he's 100% ready to go. The mere thought of Andrei Markov getting better is enough for me.
+ More love for Cammy and Pleks: it was another very good week for team points leaders Tomas Plekanec and Mike Cammalleri, who we want to see on Team Canada.


MINUS

- Dave Stubbs, Dane Cook fan? Say it ain't so.
- The return of Carey Price's Mask of the Red Death. I don't hate it, but I liked the Centennial one. And the Remembrance Day one. And maybe the horsie one.
- Not so good with the Hamilton callups this week, eh, Bob?
- Didn't we already give this a minus? Alain Crete wore his fug brown-ish suit jacket again on Saturday. Do we need to find the stylists at RDS and personally ask them to stop assaulting our eyes?
- I know that there's no easy solution to our two-goalie situation, but if Halak gets traded, I'll miss him (to say the least). My views on the potential trade aside, I think that whoever leaked this story is a moron. Things didn't go so well last season after everyone heard that a few players were apparently being shopped around as part of trade packages. Morale dropped and fans' gums started flapping. Jaro deserves better.
- Chris Nilan admits he's had substance abuse problems but, like the fighter he's always been, is taking them on and has been sober for a few months now. We wish him all the best.


And outside of hockey... (Musical TV Edition!)
+ A delightful 13th episode of Fox's Glee, with enough great songs to tide me over until the show comes back in April.
- Flight of the Conchords announced that their HBO series will not have a third season and, thus, is over. At least the band will live on in real life.