Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Things that might happen during the Habs-Bruins series and how to deal with them

I'm trying to be better at planning for the future, so I've been preparing for some possibilities in this playoff series.

Might happen: One fanbase makes T-shirts or memes that are more heinously offensive than fun and competitive.
How to deal with it: Change the subject, argue about who has better beer or street food or something.

Might happen: On-ice hits that turn into tussles that turn into brawls that turn into at least one player being done for the season.

Might happen: Bruins fans make fun of Habs fans who don't speak English.
How to deal with it: Remind them that not all Bostonians are that great at English, either. We've watched Wahlburgers, okay?

Might happen: The Bruins win a game.
How to deal with it: Three glasses of wine, a Nutella sandwich, and go right to bed. Wake up and have another Nutella sandwich (wine optional.)

Might happen: Milan Lucic spears someone in the balls.
How to deal with it: Send him to the penalty box.

Might happen: Bruins fans complain that refs are biased toward the Habs because Milan Lucic got a penalty for spearing someone in the balls, and he didn't get in lots of trouble last time, because the NHL rulebook doesn't say anything about making ball kabobs.
How to deal with it: ...Point out that making ball kabobs is not very nice.

Godspeed, Habs, and may your delicate parts remain intact.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Wishin' and hopin': 2014 playoffs

Yes, I'm writing a postseason kickoff about three days too late. No, I didn't forget that I run this blog. My predictions post was just no good at all, so I let go of it, like an Oilers fan lets go of hope that their team will ever make the playoffs.

Montreal Canadiens vs. Tampa Bay Lightning: I hope the Habs win and make it a short series, as I have a previous engagement on what would be the night of Game 6, and I want my friends to be able to make it without missing an important game. (They get a free pass in the event that there is a Game 6.) I also hope that bandwagon Habs fans will read the playoff posters and towels and remember that they have to say "Go Habs Go" and not just "Go Habs." The second "Go" is important.

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Columbus Blue Jackets: I want this series to last long enough to help cement the Jackets' reputation as "NHL team nobody hates." I also wish that this series would have minimal closeups on Sidney Crosby's face.

New York Rangers vs. Philadelphia Flyers: This series is 99% "go meteor." The other 1% is my sincere hope that Wayne Simmonds does something great, just to spite the obnoxious Rangers fans that sat behind me at the season closer.

Boston Bruins vs. Detroit Red Wings: I just wish the Bruins' playoff run lasts the exact number of games that it would take for Donnie Wahlberg to realize that marrying Jenny McCarthy would be completely insane. I don't know how many games it will take. Hopefully four.

Colorado Avalanche vs. Minnesota Wild: I want the Wild to beat the Avs so hard. I also wish Colorado's goalie and coach would be at least a little bit less repulsive.

St. Louis Blues vs. Chicago Blackhawks: I hope this series lasts long enough to make everyone everywhere realize that Jonathan Toews is like really great and stuff. (Apparently some people are not yet aware.)

Anaheim Ducks vs. Dallas Stars: I hope that no hockey bros will look at both teams' logos and make a stupid "she wants the D" joke. But I also wish that Teemu Selanne and Saku Koivu could play forever and ever amen.

San Jose Sharks vs. Los Angeles Kings: I hope a team from California wins this series.

Overall, I hope to be able to share these playoffs with any readers I have left, and not drop the ball on it, like I did just now by making a non-hockey sports analogy.