Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Things I would have to do if my best friend was Patrick Kane

Brush his mullet

Try not to gag while I brush his mullet

Pour shots

Make sure he gets to the Stanley Cup parade on time

Learn how to gamble

Remind him not to forget the Conn Smythe trophy at that rooftop party

And that he cannot trade the Conn Smythe trophy for pizza

Take his phone away from him after too many drinks

Research dog breeds, figure out which one most resembles Jonathan Toews

Maintain a good professional rapport with the people at Jack Daniels

Make myself available for his alibis and excuses, like tomorrow, when he has to drive me to surgery or a dentist or something

Never tell him I’m Canadian

Vote him into the All-Star Game every day

Learn how to text “Dude, you have practice in five minutes. Wake up.” in less than one second

Humour all of his stupid ideas for Halloween costumes and then act like it’s cool when he wears them in March

Keep a puck and a stick in my car in case of emergencies

And... Kaner, are you serious? TWO boxes of signed hockey cards? Where am I going to put my groceries?

Keep him away from Chris Brown

Tip the cab driver

Find a way to tag along to his practices and TV appearances without anyone thinking that there's anything else going on