Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Top 5: TV Characters I'd Take To A Hockey Game

I don't know why it took me this long to think of compiling such a list. Heck, I don't know why this hasn't been a monthly feature for as long as HIHW has existed (and even before then.)

So here it is:

The Top 5 TV Characters I'd Want To Go To A Hockey Game With
(Opinions subject to change. This list only includes current, scripted television programs.)

Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation. I love Parks and Recreation so very, very much these days, but the truth is that the show doesn't have many characters I could take to a hockey game with me.

Can't bring Tom, because you can't really bring Tom anywhere. (Although I'm slightly interested in hearing his entrepreneurial ideas for the hockey world. I bet "alcoholic Gatorade" would be one of them.)
Can't bring Chris Traeger, because as much fun as it would be for us both to call the players by their full names, he'd be all weird about everything, and would disapprove of all the food options. "A hot dog could literally put me in the hospital."
Can't bring my girl April because she doesn't care about anything.
Can't bring Jean-Ralphio because he'd probably get lost somewhere.
Can't bring Jerry, because... well, why would I bring Jerry?

Ron Swanson would appreciate the discipline that players have and how much fans hate management. He may, however, disapprove of the flowing hair on players like Ryan Jones and Ryan White. (Need I remind you of the acceptable haircuts, according to the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.) Oh, and by the way, it's a crime that Nick Offerman didn't get an Emmy nomination for his fantastic work this season.

Kurt Hummel, Glee. He's not the biggest sports guy, but he's the biggest fashionista on television. He and I could rag on all the girls in sparkly pink jerseys and laugh at that one loser who's wearing a Leafs jersey for no good reason.

Robin Scherbatsky, How I Met Your Mother. As some of our longtime readers may remember, she's one of our kind. A bit of a badass, knows the game, loves the players, isn't afraid to get a little loud, and knows that real girls wear real jerseys - no pink, no sparkles, no wearing of leggings in lieu of real pants. She knows how we roll. It wouldn't be long before we'd start high-fiving strangers and making up new insults to yell at the Bruins.

Stefon, Saturday Night Live. Okay, this is mostly a joke, because Stefon explains the weirdest things as if they're completely banal. (Example: human suitcases.) Can you imagine his face when I have to start explaining hockey to him? "It's that thing, where really jacked Czechs..."

Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock. Not because of his appreciation for sports. (Somehow, I don't see a wealthy Republican ever showing enthusiasm for a group of men whose careers involve sweating.)
Because he's a higher-up at NBC (property of Kabletown!) so he can probably get me good seats for any hockey game I want, provided it's a game NBC is interested in. Can't you just hear Alec Baldwin's voice saying "I hope you like Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Boston, and Chicago"?

I think it's time to watch some reruns or open up a DVD or two. I need TV.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Phew. Finally.

Josh Gorges.

1 year, $2.5 million.

On a Friday night after 10:00 P.M. Whatever, it's about damn time.

Three weeks after free agent frenzy. Whatever, it's about damn time.

It's only a one-year contract. Whatever, it's about damn time.

I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and put on the unlucky Gorges T-shirt again. (By the way, Four Habs Fans has a better writeup about this than I could ever think up.)

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Mark Cuban or Michael Scott?

I realized something when the Emmy nominations came out this week.

Steve Carell's last episode of The Office probably gave him a really good shot at winning the Emmy.

No, wait, that's not it. It's that if Michael Scott were a real person, he'd probably be an awful lot like Dallas Mavericks owner/ crazy-rich dude Mark Cuban.

Just look at these pictures of Mark Cuban, and tell me you can't imagine Michael Scott doing any of these things:

Don't tell me you don't see it too!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

An NHL Sorting Hat

I've been in major Harry Potter mode since visiting The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in January. That overlapped with the hockey season. Now, the last movie is coming out, I'm re-reading Deathly Hallows, and I'm in minor hockey withdrawal.
Instead of suspensions, maybe the NHL should just remove points from each team.
So, of course, I joined nerd-forces with my friend Laura from The Active Stick and wodered which Hogwarts houses some NHL players would be Sorted into. (No rhyming Sorting Hat song, though, sorry.)

MAX PACIORETTY: You've been through many injuries and many trials this year... Lots of grace under fire, and more than enough bravery. GRYFFINDOR!

ZDENO CHARA: Quite a bit of skill, I see... And you just won the Stanley Cup, so we know you're capable of great things. I see a lot of selfish anger inside you. (Plus I know what you did to Max Pacioretty.) SLYTHERIN! And take your team with you!

SAKU KOIVU: Boundless patience, good character, and a nice amount of talent... You've survived so much adversity, so clearly there's a lot of courage there. The choice is obvious... GRYFFINDOR!
Habs red + Ducks yellow/gold/beige/browncolour = Gryffindor?
MARTIN ST. LOUIS: You've won many trophies, and you've helped a young teammate achieve great success. You appear to be humble enough, and you love your team... HUFFLEPUFF!

RICK NASH: Neville Longbottom, is that you? Trying to get Sorted again, I see. There's no need to doubt the Sorting Hat. GRYFFINDOR!

JAMES WISNIEWSKI: Smart, very smart... You're able to adapt to new surroundings very easily, I see. You look out for your teammates but you never forget to do what's best for yourself. Hmm... RAVENCLAW!

BROOKS LAICH: A good heart. Lots of talent as well. I seem to recall a story where you helped your fans, rather than thinking about yourself... You're very brave. And smart. Very smart, in fact. No, not Slytherin. Never Slytherin. There's too much goodness and loyalty in you. HUFFLEPUFF!

SHANE DOAN: HUFFLEPUFF! (I imagine this would happen just as quickly as when Draco Malfoy was Sorted into Slytherin.)

DANY HEATLEY: It appears that you cannot stay loyal to any one team. SLYTHERIN!

JONATHAN TOEWS: Very talented, I see. You're a great leader... Excellent reasoning, a sharp mind, and wit to match... RAVENCLAW!

ALEXANDER OVECHKIN: So much talent... and so much pride as well. You're smart on the ice, I see. But where to put you? You love your teammates, but not quite as much as you love yourself. SLYTHERIN!

BRAD RICHARDS: I'm just going through the motions. You've already decided what house you're in, so I don't need to say anything, do I?

Thoughts on whether there are any Bruins who don't belong in Slytherin, whether or not P.K. Subban is Gilderoy Lockhart with actual talent, and the awesomeness of a real-life National Quidditch League are welcome in the comments section.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

My reactions to free agent signings, expressed using stills from Arrested Development

This is how I felt about Jonathan Ericsson re-signing with the Wings, 
after so many people told me he'd make a great Hab:

This is how I felt about Benoit Pouliot signing with the Boston Bruins:

This is how I felt about Brock Trotter returning to
 the Canadiens organization after a year in the KHL:

This is how I felt upon learning that Erik Cole became a Canadien:

This is how I felt about Peter Budaj becoming
 the Habs' new backup goalie:

This is how I felt about the Kings trading Simmonds and Schenn
 to the Flyers for Mike Richards:

This is how I felt when Andrei Markov signed a new contract:

This is how I felt about J.T. Wyman signing with the Lightning:

And I think this expresses Matt D'Agostini staying in St. Louis:

Monday, July 4, 2011

The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

I lost my favourite prospect on Canada Day.

No thanks to Steve Yzerman for taking away our James T. Wyman. With Wyman becoming Tampa Bay property and Ryan White likely to spend lots of time in Montreal next season, I've got to pick a new favourite Bulldog. (The frontrunner, by default, is Czechtacular's Gabriel Dumont.)
What to do with this sign now?
I've also got to get used to the fact that the player I loved seeing at the Bell Centre twice a year won't be at Bulldogs games anymore, but with any luck will play for the Bolts in Quebec City on October 1st. And, knowing how his former coach Guy Boucher has been running things in Tampa, I wouldn't be surprised to see J.T. Wyman get some NHL ice time. And yes, to be honest, I know that he's more likely to be an NHL player in Tampa than in Montreal. He was called up once by the Canadiens, and by pure luck I had game tickets and got to see him in a Habs uniform. Now I might get to see him in a Lightning uniform. Who knows, maybe there'll be a Bolts fan who becomes as bizarrely attached to him as I am.

Having played defense growing up, he's a great defensive forward. He's tough, but not violent, and he can find his way to the net. And he went to Dartmouth. I'm going to miss him.

Take care of him, Tampa Bay.