Monday, December 6, 2010

Joe Thornton Is Canada

Sometimes, you'll learn something so obvious that you had no idea why it took you so long to realize it. I had one of those revelations during the Habs-Sharks game. Considering how tired I was from an early work day, I'm surprised I could even fathom it. But Czechtacular's old friend Bhavna only had to say one thing:
"Joe Thornton is Canada."
I almost immediately understood. It makes perfect sense. I couldn't talk about anything else for the rest of the period (sorry, Habs). The more you think about what makes Joe Thornton great, the more you realize that he possesses all the qualities that make Canada great.

Obviously, the whole hockey thing.
He's won a bunch of stuff (Stanley Cup forthcoming, but not until the Habs win another one, please). Joe Thornton is hockey, and hockey is Canada.

Jumbo Joe is huge.
My research tells me he's 6'4" but he looks at least two feet taller than that. Like Canada, Joe Thornton has coasts. I tried to find out whether he spans multiple time zones but didn't find any proof.

He has a beard.
...This one made a little more sense when I first came up with it, tired from work and trying to concentrate on the game. It still makes sense, right? Right?
Something about forests. It's like a forest.
Nature's beard!
Or it makes him look even more like a lumberjack than he already does. Which just brings me back to forests.

He makes his living in the States.
Many of the best Canadians do. It's how we know they're really famous: they're paid in green money.

He's a pacifist badass.
Yes, it is possible to be a pacifist and a badass mo fo. That's what Canada is about. He'll hit hard or defend his teammates if he needs to, but he hasn't engaged in that much unnecessary violence lately.

pictured: not his actual brother.
He has lots of brothers.
Being Canadian is like being part of a huge family. I guess it's a byproduct of outsiders always telling us things like "You're from Montreal? I have a cousin who's getting her degree at a university near Toronto!" It's the thing that keeps us all connected whether we like it or not, like some sort of national DNA.

He knows a lot about beer.
I mean, I'm not 100% sure on this, but think about it. Wouldn't Joe Thornton know a lot about beer?

This picture had a watermark that said "Don't steal me"... I cropped it out.

He apologizes a lot. And he laughs a lot.
It's what we do best as Canadians. Sorry, it's true.

He can make us laugh.
As I just said, laughter is very Canadian. Joe loves to crack jokes and has made a running gag out of his apparent refusal to wear a shirt in postgame interviews.

Big, badass, funny, laid-back... Honestly, you guys, Joe Thornton IS Canada. He just is.
Gratuitous reminder that we won a gold medal.


  1. Amen. I love "Jumbo Joe." The fit in San Jose has been perfect for him. It must be totally nails to live out in the Bay Area, as great an area there is in the USA, and play hockey. I hope he wins a Cup. Then he'll finally get his respect, much like Mike Modano.

  2. By the way everyone, I'm sorry if it seems like we've been sleeping with the enemy lately, with all the attention we've paid to the Kings, the Oilers, and now Joe. We are not (completely) crazy and will soon return to your regularly scheduled, not cheating on the Habs so often, programming.
    Thanks for bearing with us!

  3. Also, Navin, I have no idea what "nails" is supposed to mean, but I'll relay your message to every Californian and manicurist I know.

  4. i wonder who gave him the nickname Jumbo joe, the fans or his wife ;P


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