Somebody at the Air Canada Center threw waffles on the ice.
On the ice.
It's so hilariously absurd that I'm not reading any further about it, just to keep it a funny little mystery: Who threw the waffles? What was their motive? Why waffles, of all things? Why wouldn't they just eat the waffles? Do they have an intolerance to gluten? Where did the waffles come from? And can we refer to these people as the LuftWaffle?
Then I started thinking of what other tasty snacks would make great projectiles around the NHL.
Montreal: It has to be Jos Louis and May Wests. No province eats more processed snack cakes than Quebec. Plus they kind of look like pucks.
Detroit: OK, we give you permission to throw Jos Louis on the ice too, since you went so far as to name your arena after them. Otherwise, live up to your team's delicious name and throw chicken wings. Just please, no calamari.
Los Angeles: Churros.
Anaheim: Overpriced churros from Disneyland. (Also acceptable: overpriced churros from Disney's California Adventure.)
Boston: Teddy Grahams. Or Boston cream donuts, since I'm pretty sure Tim Thomas runs on Dunkin.
Vancouver: Do they still make Doublemint gum?
Atlanta: Fuzzy Peaches. (Also acceptable: peach cobbler, but that's not very throwable and all the old Georgia grannies would cry if you didn't eat their peach cobbler.)
Long Island: In keeping with my fancy Great Gatsbyized view of Long Island, I've decided that Islanders fans should throw chocolate Easter eggs and shout "East Egg!" or "West Egg!" depending on which arm is used to throw.
Washington: This cost $3 when I bought it in the States, so if Caps fans want to throw a whole bunch of them they need to be prepared to drop some coin. But there probably isn't anything better than this:
|Ladies and gentlemen, the Obama chocolate bar|
Or we could get a little more specific.
What to do if a particularly hated player comes to town and you want to give him special treatment? Depends on who it is...
Chris Pronger: Elbow macaroni.
Eric Staal: Jordan almonds.
Guillaume Latendresse: Pogos and Chicken McNuggets.
Mike Richards: Whatever PK Subban's favourite food is.
Sean Avery: Last week's leftovers.
Mike Komisarek: Graham crackers, ice cream cones, or anything that breaks every time it hits the ice.
Matt Cooke: Whatever the hell you want. Go crazy.
In all seriousness, though, food is for eating. Hockey fans, food does not belong on the ice. It goes in your belly.