It would appear that the awards aren't airing live, and news sources are already spoiling us on winners, but I'm going to pretend I didn't find out about any winners. Can I still call this a "liveblog" if the awards aren't airing live?
Well, I think I might anyway.
Before the show: I missed the red-carpet stuff online, because it wouldn't load, but I'm sure there'll be pictures and stuff. Plus what fashion is there to comment on, really? Like, "Oh, Shane Doan's wife shouldn't have worn those shoes?"
Snoop Dogg: And Travis Barker? They're definitely trying to up the ante with this year's Awards, after Chaka Khan didn't kick enough ass last year. "Snoop Gretzky the Great" should be his new name. You know Diddy wishes he came up with it first.
My sister: "Is this what happens when you let Americans be in charge of things?" Well, yes, but there was also the MMVA's.
Opening credits: Are hurting my eyes.
Okay, Jay Mohr, let's get this show on the road.
Four minutes in and the first player we see is Sidney Crosby. Surprise surprise. Jay Mohr's monologue is pretty good for a guy who doesn't watch much hockey. And he just made an "icing is delicious" joke, which I always approve of. It's pretty much what I would have expected, Jay Mohr is just mean enough, but there's still just a little bit of CBS sitcom left on him.
Rookies: Mark Wahlberg is going to bust someone's head open, I'm sure. Ugh, these nominee videos don't look too special. Whatever.
Tyler Myers wins, of course, and oh dear GG, he's so tall. His speech is quite decent, and less awkward than rookies usually are. It would have been better if he'd said to Mark Wahlberg, "Say hi to your mother for me, all right?" A girl can dream.
Selke: So this is the Ryan Kesler award, right? Presenter Natasha Henstridge does not age.
Oh, my bad. This is the Pavel Datsyuk award. I forgot he's like Meryl Streep with this sort of thing. You'd think he would expect a win at some point, and not make all his speeches off-the-cuff. His English is better than he thinks it is, though.
Henrik Sedin: I think. I can't tell the twins apart, but he won the Art Ross trophy and is now being interviewed by some Maria Menounos clone. He doesn't seem to like it very much.
Strombo!: Oh, and much to my surprise Patrick Kane is glued to some showgirl or other woman that's probably friends with a Tiger Woods mistress. He said some random platitudes about winning the Cup. This segment is just there to introduce a Cirque du Soleil performance, which is effectively spiced up by some breakdancing.
Ted Lindsay Award: Presented by Ted Lindsay (well I certainly hope so) and Ron McLean. So this award is like a popularity contest, right? I think Ovechkin will take this one.
OK, I don't deserve a parade for guessing that. By the way, I have no idea why the nominees are waiting backstage
"First of all, what's up everybody?" A hung-over (or slightly buzzed) Ovie starts his speech awesomely, then ends it sentimentally. But doesn't want it to end, and Kanye's the next presenter.
Ooh, a race joke! In the middle of an Olympic tribute. Which turned into a pretaped sketch about Ryan Getzlaf being a jerkstore. Athletes don't make great actors, but this is quite all right. It's not the actors, it's the material.
Red carpet again: Aw, Steven Stamkos! If I were him I'd totally try to one-up Crosby on camera.
Coaches: I'm not sure who will win this... Dave Tippett! Yay! Because the Coyotes surpassed all expectations this season. Can someone just buy this team and treat it right already?
czechtacular is very pleased with this win, as expected.
Toe pick!: I'm a little excited to see DB Sweeney, because I love The Cutting Edge (but hate Battle of the Blades). Jamie Kennedy should have just stopped working after his hidden-camera show was cancelled. Oh, but then he and Jay Mohr couldn't have ribbed each other about being on CBS.
Upset of the night: Ryan Miller wins the Vezina. Wow, huge surprise there. I was not expecting this after a season of the Ryan Miller Hype Machine and him carrying his team so much he makes Halak look like a slacker. (Jaro come back.) He thanks his teammates, of whom I can name maybe two.
Brodeur: Won the Jennings trophy! Congrats! What does that mean?
Best thing ever: Did Jay Mohr just do a Tracy Morgan voice?
Shinedown: Yeah, ok, not my favourite band so you can just youtube them. Or try to imagine a rap-metal Nickelback, and there's their whole performance right there.
Another best thing ever: Mike Green's hair looks more human. And a Geico caveman still has beef with him.
Lex Luthor has hair: And is presenting the Masterton trophy, and doing a pretty good job.
I'm a sucker for inspiring stories, and it's no surprise that Jose Theodore won it, since losing a child is a parent's worst nightmare. (His accent is starting to sound a little Chuck Hughes there. Okay, not important.) Very tasteful speech. Good job, Theo.
Jerry Bruckheimer: Does not acknowledge the world's most useless DJ. He's presenting the King Clancy Memorial Trophy, which I just heard of today. And the video shows us some baby Shane Doan - did you see that! Aw, Shane Doan, what a guy. I'm trying to pay attention to his speech, because he's so sweet (he puts Iginla to shame, and that's saying something) but for some reason he's reminding me of Keanu Reeves. Only less sad.
Jonathan Toews in a suit: Oh, and also the Stanley Cup. To introduce a crazy montage of hockey insanity. Someone needs to show this montage to people who watch other sports: they'll very quickly realize that hockey is king.
Lady Byng Trophy: Wow, these guys are impressive. Did they make a miniature Trophy for Martin St. Louis, or is he just lucky that it's small? He's hilarious, making jokes about sending Christmas cards to refs and reading his speech off his phone.
The Messier Trophy: With no buildup at all, just gets placed next to Crosby. Um, there were other dudes nominated, too. Ugh, this was better last year when the trophy was won by someone I love, and not presented by Fake Maria Menounos. This telecast isn't so special.
If there's hockey somewhere, then Jeremy Roenick is there to talk. That, dear readers, is a fact of life.
This is who they named the trophy after, right?
Norris: I hope it's Drew Doughty, come on, it HAS to be. I hope. And (in the words of Roenick)the winner goes to...
Duncan Keith. The guy I knew the least about. Still, it must be cool to win a Trophy and a Stanley Cup within days of each other. Maybe next week he can get a damn haircut. This guy's never watched the Oscars, has he? The music means GTFO from the stage. Still, he uses his speech overtime to tell Ovechkin to stay away from his girlfriend. Nice.
The Foundation Award: Or something, goes to Ryan Miller because he does charity work. Oh, actually, I think I have heard of this award before. Gary Bettman is still short. If anyone knows his exact height, please tell me in the comments. I tried Googling it and found nothing.
Jay Mohr does his Christopher Walken voice: And the world is a better place for a few seconds. On to the Goo Goo Dolls, and I'm sure that John Rzeznik is younger than Jon Bon Jovi, but he doesn't look it. Is this what happened during the last few years when he wasn't making music? He just sat around and aged? Um, make more albums, please.
A "Thank You Fans" commercial: Makes me feel special! You're welcome, NHL.
Guy Lafleur!: If the Awards were held in Vegas back in his day, he'd have gone missing. His pre-award banter is pretty cute. The Hart Trophy, technically, should go to the guy who screamed out "Go Habs Go!" But I don't think it will.
Instead, it does to Henrik Settin'. Wait, that's NOT how you pronounce it? Whatever. He's Guy Lafleur. Henrik makes a great speech, very appreciative, but not at all treacly.
[By the way, there seemed to be a lot of people wearing the same tie... Stylist fail.] No, that's because John Varvatos appears to have dressed pretty much everyone, and while the man certainly knows suits, I can't get behind this much product placement, what with the matching suits and the Geico and everything. I can't stand it on regular TV, and I don't like it creeping into hockey like this.
And just like that, it's over. That's the end?
Oh well, congratulations to the winners, and we'll see you next year. Now please let the hockey players go have some fun, as I'm sure Patrick Kane has already exited the theatre and pounded a Jagerbomb or two. See you next year!