Top 5: Reasons why I should be GM of the Canadiens

Since people have been talking about firing Gauthier for a while...

I would sign Carey Price to a long-term contract right now. Or a short-term contract. Whatever he wants, really, as long as he comes back. I'd buy him a horse if he wanted one.

I would be honest. I wouldn't try to cover up my decisions or spin the truth to stroke a new player's ego. I would just tell things like they are. If a player is brought in to help fill up a roster that's been depleted by injuries, I would say so. I would disclose terms of the agreement, because "club policy" means nothing when player salaries are readily available on TSN or Capgeek. A little honesty would be a refreshing change from the spin doctors and clichés.

I would be honest even when the fans don't want to hear it. Uproar over an English coach or a ridiculous trade? Fans booing their own players? I'd pull a Bob Gainey and tell my fans when they're being idiots.

I would see the big picture. None of this last-minute trade deadline desperation. How well has last year's Dustin Penner deal worked out for the Kings? Not as well as it's worked out for the Denny's a few blocks from the Staples Center. I'd keep my eye on the big picture, and not give away all my team's assets for a bag of magic beans.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I know that managing a sports team can be cutthroat. You've got to keep your own team afloat and avoid getting screwed over by other GM's or greedy agents. I'll mess with them if I have to. Guilt? Crying on cue? Swearing at them over the phone, in multiple languages? All in a day's work if it gets me what I want.


Obviously, I'm kidding. I've already said that I would never want to be a GM, but I'm sure there's a reason why so many people think they want to be one.

I'm Happy I'm Not A GM

I've done an awful lot of ragging on general managers lately, from impatiently waiting for a new contract for Josh Gorges, to my tirades about Paul Holmgren's insanity.

But I just realized something: I can't criticize their work, because I know I'd never be able to do it. I've never been able to call a coach an idiot because I know they know more about coaching hockey than I ever could. (Case in point: Jacques Martin, as much as we love/hate him, won a Memorial Cup before I was even born.) But somehow, being the eternal rookie that I am, I never realized that I should apply the same logic to GMs.

I may hate the way they seem to treat players as commodities, but maybe they do too. All they do is make decisions - it's the backbone of their profession. They have control over who stays and who goes, who needs to look for a new job and a new home and who gets to stick around, surrounded by an ever-changing cast of teammates. They decide how much money someone deserves to make, and they have to own up to their decisions. Every move they make will be criticized by fans and analysts alike. One too many poor decisions or unfortunate twists of fate and they're fired.

It's too much planning, too much decision-making, too much stress. I'm so glad I'm not in a general manager's shoes this week. It must be awful.

Team Rookie and Team Czechtacular keep handing out jerseys

(Those jerseys, by the way, have yet to be designed, but one would probably have a Czech crest on it and the other a cat. Go ahead and guess which is which.)

If you haven't read Part 1, and you certainly had time to during our extended technical difficulties, you should do that now. It'll give you a better idea of who we picked so far and how careful we are not to step on each other's toes. Not. So we're at round 11:

Team Rookie's eleventh pick:
Saku Koivu. His selection is somewhat due to leftover Koivu nostalgia from last week. We miss him.

Team Czechtacular's eleventh pick:
Henrik Lundqvist. Okay, maybe I won't need too much help in goal. Or in the GQ department.

Team Rookie's twelfth pick:
P.K. Subban. Others hate him. We love him. He's fast, enthusiastic, energetic, and flashy. He would rock the skills competition and bring some actual defence to the game. And maybe, by the end of the weekend, everyone else will love him too. And I will say I told you so.

Team Czechtacular's twelfth pick:
Everyone seems to forget about the existence of Brad Richards. That's sort of how I roll, so I believe I will go with the 6th-best scorer in the league, thank you.

Team Rookie's thirteenth pick:
RICK NASH!!!! I'm sorry, that happens every time I mention him. I'm a big fan and we Montrealers rarely get to see him. I looked up his stats and he's having a great season! How are the Blue Jackets not having a better season with a captain like this?

Team Czechtacular's thirteenth pick:
Nick Lidstrom's got a tough job ahead of him in that he's one of the guys doing the picking tonight, so he can take it easy now. [Rookie: dammit! I wish I had picked him]

Team Rookie's fourteenth pick:
Anze Kopitar. He's really good at hockey.

Team Czechtacular's fourteenth pick:
To be the Lidstrom of the forwards, Mark Recchi. Plus 32 points is none too shabby for the oldest guy in the league.

Team Rookie's fifteenth pick:
Brian Gionta. Gotta show the captain some love.

Team Czechtacular's fifteenth pick:
Dan Boyle, because i now have the added knowledge that he can hit even the tiniest of nets.

Team Rookie's sixteenth pick:
Jonathan Ericsson. It turns out I know very little about defencemen, but Ericsson usually catches my attention during the playoffs. While I don't buy into this whole "represent every team" kindergarten bullcrap, I'd feel weird not having a Detroit Red Wing on my team. (Valtteri came close to making Team Rookie but was ultimately cut.)

Team Czechtacular's sixteenth pick:
Adrian Aucoin, for an all-Ottawa blueline. Also because his +18 remains unaffected for the balance of this game.

Team Rookie's seventeenth pick:
Shea Weber. He was given this spot at the last minute, since we reached this round in our draft exactly as he was being picked on TV. He's a Team Canada superstar and a friend of Josh Gorges. He had to be on this team.

Team Czechtacular's seventeenth pick:
Erik Karlsson. Because he, too, was on TV during this round. I want to see him play with Yandle. I think he can yandle it.

Team Rookie's eighteenth pick:
Matt Duchene. I was ecstatic that he was named an All-Star this year, he deserves it, he's had a great season and he's so adorably awkward. I love it when players I pick at random (like I did with Duchene around the time he was drafted) turn out to be good.

Team Czechtacular's eighteenth pick:
Jakub Voracek. To be a friend to Derick Brassard.

Team Rookie's nineteenth pick:
Niklas Hjalmarsson. Some people think it's because I've learned to pronounce his name instead of being scared of it, but he's coming off a stanley cup win, and I googled his numbers and they're good.

Team Czechtacular's nineteenth pick:
Our newest Twitter darling Ryan Jones. He has the duality of being a hard worker and epic commentator in between proceedings, especially in the skills competition. He also has great hockey flow, which is always appreciated in these things. I think PK was proof of that tonight.

Team Rookie's twentieth pick:
My boy, because I met him once, Joe Pavelski: Dynamite in last year's playoffs, keeping a decent pace this season, and I just couldn't not pick him.

Team Czechtacular's twentieth pick:
Teemu Selanne, because he and Saku should be at an All-Star Game together, even if they're on opposing teams.

Team Rookie's twenty-first pick:
So I was looking at defenceman standings, expecting to realize I'd completely forgotten someone on some sun-belt team who's great at defence and who I love very much, and you know who I see is pretty good compared to the rest of the league? James Wisniewski. Yeah.

Team Czechtacular's twenty-first pick:
Am I Kesselling someone? I pick Vladimir Sobotka because he will hit people in an all star game. He's the David Backes of our version.

Just to make the goalies sweat it out a little, we went with an all-goalie last round.

Team Rookie's twenty-second pick:
For my last goalie, I gotta go with my boy Roberto Luongo. Yes, that's right, Luongo is my boy, even moreso than Pavelski. For some reason the Internet doesn't like him, but his save percentage is good and I like him and it's my team.

Team Czechtacular's twenty-second pick:
Ilya Bryzgalov. I picked him first in all my hockey pools this season and wanted to see how much he liked being picked last. Unfortunately, I don't have a car to give him.


If we had any footage of Matt Duchene making awkward jokes while eagerly waiting to be picked, we'd share it, but there's no way we'd even be able to get these guys in a room together.

Team Lidstrom and Team Staal? Scrap 'em.

We're totally sick of NHL All Star mock drafts, but for our pure amusement we bring you another one.

But here's the catch. We've scrapped everything the league picked for us (well, almost) and started over from scratch. It's the fans' game after all, isn't it? And it's a fun exercise if you're not one to call what's about to take place tonight on TSN your cup of tea. Especially if, like me, your favourite players are not necessarily "on the grid."

Tonight, we are these guys. Without the salaries, the trophies, and the Stanley Cup rings. 

Don't expect this to make total sense, either. Like BizNasty picked Henrik Lundqvist first for his GQMF-ability to have a good time in the Big Apple, not all our reasoning has to do with stats over style. And the order? We're not good with that, either. Clearly.

So who are our All Stars?

Team Rookie's first pick:
Carey Price. You know him, you love him, you know he poses like a boss (I swear I brought it up by accident, but you know it's true). It's only natural he's the first pick of the draft!

Team Czechtacular's first pick:
Carey Price....'s cousin. Yes, Shane Doan is going to lead my club. In addition to a renowned NHL leader and general all-around good egg, the second half of his season has made everyone forget about the first. Unfortunately there are probably only so many injuries the NHL will allow before outright cancelling the thing, so we won't get to see him this weekend.

Team Rookie's second pick:
Mason Raymond. Why? Because if I can't see him at the real ASG even though I voted for him a bunch of times in both 2009 and 2011, I'm putting him on my team.

Team Czechtacular's second pick:
If Jeff Skinner got promoted to the big show in team life, Taylor Hall can in my version.

Team Rookie's third pick:
Steven Stamkos. No-brainer. He scored more goals in the calendar year of 2010 than anyone else in the NHL, including Sidney Crosby, who wasn't eligible for our teams because he's injured, but I wouldn't have picked him third anyway. And he's really nice and sportsmanship is important.

Team Czechtacular's third pick:
Tomas Plekanec. 'Nuff said. Really.

Team Rookie's fourth pick:
Jarome Iginla. Is there a better All-Star than Jarome Iginla? No. There isn't. (In this scenario, obviously, Jarome has the good fortune of not having any sick family members.)

Team Czechtacular's fourth pick:
These are my rules and I can draft my coach if I wanna. Even if he'd probably bagskate the players in each All Star Game intermission for letting in too many goals, Guy Boucher is my coach pick. And if you were wondering, yes, he will participate in my skills' competition.

Team Rookie's fifth pick:
Kirk Muller and Dan Bylsma are Rookie's coach picks. (They're the best one-two punch I can assemble to compete with Guy Boucher.)

Team Czechtacular's fifth pick:
Almost excluded from the actual game (wrongly so) but added on due to injuries (that's better), Keith Yandle. Kid's a day younger than me and leads all NHL defensemen in scoring. That's no random feat.

Team Rookie's sixth pick:
Drew Doughty. Sure, a concussion has slowed him down a little this season, and he's angrier than usual, but he's still Drew Doughty.

Team Czechtacular's sixth pick:
Third in league save percentage and first in general Czech goalie badassery, Ondrej Pavelec.

Team Rookie's seventh pick:
This would have been Ondrej Pavelec. Czechtacular acted just in time. So I take Alexander Ovechkin. 'Cause he's still available, might as well. (Right, Doaner?)

Team Czechtacular's seventh pick:
Alexander Semin is injured, so Marty Havlat takes his place.

Team Rookie's eighth pick:
Jonathan Toews. Clearly I'm no better than Patrick Kane, and I feel really bad for making Captain Serious sweat it out for so long. But he's a great player overall, and a great sport, and I barely knew who he was before the last All-Star Game, so things are coming full circle.

Team Czechtacular's eighth pick:
Derick Brassard. The Mr. Assist to Mr. Nash in Columbus.

Team Rookie's ninth pick:
Joe Thornton. He is Canada.

Team Czechtacular's ninth pick:
David Krejci. Given the way Bruins fans had a collective heart attack last week when he was almost badly injured, it shows how much he's needed on any team because he's that good.

Team Rookie's tenth pick:
Jonathan Quick. A 52-save shutout against the Detroit Red Wings? Yeah. He's an All-Star.

Team Czechtacular's tenth pick:
I'm a little short on D, so Zbynek Michalek. Because my goalie pick is injured and whoever I pick as his replacement is probably going to need a lot of help blocking shots up front. Yes, my All Stars are all about the serious business.


Stay tuned for Part 2, because these drafts take a really long time and we're not even cutting to Pierre McGuire and a panel analyzing every move we make.

Plus/Minus looks good this week...

...because after almost two weeks, the screen of my Macbook is finally fixed. Finally, the 268 hours of anguish are over. I can stop panicking about my laptop. I can stop waiting for the phone to ring, with an anticipation worse than calls about a job or a boy. I can stop having separation anxiety and asking my friends at the Apple store to take good care of my Macbook.
Oh, and there was hockey stuff too.

PLUS

Thank you, friends at the Apple store.

+ Due to my aforementioned laptop woes (268 hours), this week's first Plus goes to Laura from The Active Stick, who's the kind of writer that all female hockey bloggers should be. And male ones too. But aside from wit and all that, she let me use her laptop to post last week's Halloween-themed Plus/Minus thing. If that's not supporting your fellow bloggers, I don't know what is.
+ Carey Price, keepin' it real.
+ Look at you, Jeff Halpern, racking up points and being all +7. You get another plus from me. And yes, you can share it with the rest of the PhD line, because you've earned it.
+ The news that there is a Stephen Gionta. Yes. He exists. I know he's the same height as his big brother (har har) and that this team needs more tall guys, and that usually guys play their first NHL game before the age of 27, but... can we have him? IT'S A SECOND GIONTA!
+ A fantastic game by the Hamilton Bulldogs, who looked like an excellent team from the second row at the Bell Centre. (I have to stop wishing for prestige seats to Habs games... I wouldn't be able to handle it.) Ryan White played with his usual energy and badassery, Alex Henry got physical, and Gabriel Dumont delivered the biggest hit of the night.
+ Oh, and the little boys sitting behind us at the game knew as much about the team as we did, if not more. I probably missed parts of the game because I was trying to listen to their analysis. They couldn't have been older than ten but they're just as smart as most of the hockey fans you know.
+ I... this:

This is what happens when you say you miss Los Angeles. Awesome.

MINUS

- What, so everyone forgot that Ryan O'Byrne exists? If it weren't for the pictures some of our friends took at FestiFan today, I wouldn't even remember what he looks like. (If you forgot: Tall. Black hair. Sometimes wears #20.)
- I know I don't often make suggestions for lines, but um... what's the use in breaking up the top line, who've been consistently productive, just to breathe some life into Gomez and Gionta? Sure, I'm all for breaking those two up in an attempt to get them going, but why mess with a good thing?
- I think I went through this with Carey Price a few weeks ago: WHO let Tomas Plekanec get sick? Please, someone build a sneezeguard around him or something.


So, yeah, sorry that there's no blog called "Hab It Three Really Smart Nine-Year-Olds' Way." We'd totally read it too.

Want the full story on "my 12"?

You've probably read the dream opening-day lineups we've both posted (if you haven't, just scroll down), and if you're wondering why this came out of nowhere, here's a little background.

It was a challenge put forth to any Habs blogger who was game but Scott Schmidt over at Schmitzy Says. He has posted links to all of the lists written so far.

All Habs asked its writers to take the challenge a step further, and post an entire lineup for opening day (including defencemen). I gave it my best shot.

At least it's pretty obvious which goalie I'd choose.