Friday, January 28, 2011

Team Lidstrom and Team Staal? Scrap 'em.

We're totally sick of NHL All Star mock drafts, but for our pure amusement we bring you another one.

But here's the catch. We've scrapped everything the league picked for us (well, almost) and started over from scratch. It's the fans' game after all, isn't it? And it's a fun exercise if you're not one to call what's about to take place tonight on TSN your cup of tea. Especially if, like me, your favourite players are not necessarily "on the grid."

Tonight, we are these guys. Without the salaries, the trophies, and the Stanley Cup rings
Don't expect this to make total sense, either. Like BizNasty picked Henrik Lundqvist first for his GQMF-ability to have a good time in the Big Apple, not all our reasoning has to do with stats over style. And the order? We're not good with that, either. Clearly.

So who are our All Stars?

Team Rookie's first pick:
Carey Price. You know him, you love him, you know he poses like a boss (I swear I brought it up by accident, but you know it's true). It's only natural he's the first pick of the draft!

Team Czechtacular's first pick:
Carey Price....'s cousin. Yes, Shane Doan is going to lead my club. In addition to a renowned NHL leader and general all-around good egg, the second half of his season has made everyone forget about the first. Unfortunately there are probably only so many injuries the NHL will allow before outright cancelling the thing, so we won't get to see him this weekend.

Team Rookie's second pick:
Mason Raymond. Why? Because if I can't see him at the real ASG even though I voted for him a bunch of times in both 2009 and 2011, I'm putting him on my team.

Team Czechtacular's second pick:
If Jeff Skinner got promoted to the big show in team life, Taylor Hall can in my version.

Team Rookie's third pick:
Steven Stamkos. No-brainer. He scored more goals in the calendar year of 2010 than anyone else in the NHL, including Sidney Crosby, who wasn't eligible for our teams because he's injured, but I wouldn't have picked him third anyway. And he's really nice and sportsmanship is important.

Team Czechtacular's third pick:
Tomas Plekanec. 'Nuff said. Really.

Team Rookie's fourth pick:
Jarome Iginla. Is there a better All-Star than Jarome Iginla? No. There isn't. (In this scenario, obviously, Jarome has the good fortune of not having any sick family members.)

Team Czechtacular's fourth pick:
These are my rules and I can draft my coach if I wanna. Even if he'd probably bagskate the players in each All Star Game intermission for letting in too many goals, Guy Boucher is my coach pick. And if you were wondering, yes, he will participate in my skills' competition.

Team Rookie's fifth pick:
Kirk Muller and Dan Bylsma are Rookie's coach picks. (They're the best one-two punch I can assemble to compete with Guy Boucher.)

Team Czechtacular's fifth pick:
Almost excluded from the actual game (wrongly so) but added on due to injuries (that's better), Keith Yandle. Kid's a day younger than me and leads all NHL defensemen in scoring. That's no random feat.

Team Rookie's sixth pick:
Drew Doughty. Sure, a concussion has slowed him down a little this season, and he's angrier than usual, but he's still Drew Doughty.

Team Czechtacular's sixth pick:
Third in league save percentage and first in general Czech goalie badassery, Ondrej Pavelec.

Team Rookie's seventh pick:
This would have been Ondrej Pavelec. Czechtacular acted just in time. So I take Alexander Ovechkin. 'Cause he's still available, might as well. (Right, Doaner?)

Team Czechtacular's seventh pick:
Alexander Semin is injured, so Marty Havlat takes his place.

Team Rookie's eighth pick:
Jonathan Toews. Clearly I'm no better than Patrick Kane, and I feel really bad for making Captain Serious sweat it out for so long. But he's a great player overall, and a great sport, and I barely knew who he was before the last All-Star Game, so things are coming full circle.

Team Czechtacular's eighth pick:
Derick Brassard. The Mr. Assist to Mr. Nash in Columbus.

Team Rookie's ninth pick:
Joe Thornton. He is Canada.

Team Czechtacular's ninth pick:
David Krejci. Given the way Bruins fans had a collective heart attack last week when he was almost badly injured, it shows how much he's needed on any team because he's that good.

Team Rookie's tenth pick:
Jonathan Quick. A 52-save shutout against the Detroit Red Wings? Yeah. He's an All-Star.

Team Czechtacular's tenth pick:
I'm a little short on D, so Zbynek Michalek. Because my goalie pick is injured and whoever I pick as his replacement is probably going to need a lot of help blocking shots up front. Yes, my All Stars are all about the serious business.

Stay tuned for Part 2, because these drafts take a really long time and we're not even cutting to Pierre McGuire and a panel analyzing every move we make.

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