Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Top 5: TV Characters I'd Take To A Hockey Game

I don't know why it took me this long to think of compiling such a list. Heck, I don't know why this hasn't been a monthly feature for as long as HIHW has existed (and even before then.)

So here it is:

The Top 5 TV Characters I'd Want To Go To A Hockey Game With
(Opinions subject to change. This list only includes current, scripted television programs.)

Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation. I love Parks and Recreation so very, very much these days, but the truth is that the show doesn't have many characters I could take to a hockey game with me.

Can't bring Tom, because you can't really bring Tom anywhere. (Although I'm slightly interested in hearing his entrepreneurial ideas for the hockey world. I bet "alcoholic Gatorade" would be one of them.)
Can't bring Chris Traeger, because as much fun as it would be for us both to call the players by their full names, he'd be all weird about everything, and would disapprove of all the food options. "A hot dog could literally put me in the hospital."
Can't bring my girl April because she doesn't care about anything.
Can't bring Jean-Ralphio because he'd probably get lost somewhere.
Can't bring Jerry, because... well, why would I bring Jerry?

Ron Swanson would appreciate the discipline that players have and how much fans hate management. He may, however, disapprove of the flowing hair on players like Ryan Jones and Ryan White. (Need I remind you of the acceptable haircuts, according to the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.) Oh, and by the way, it's a crime that Nick Offerman didn't get an Emmy nomination for his fantastic work this season.

Kurt Hummel, Glee. He's not the biggest sports guy, but he's the biggest fashionista on television. He and I could rag on all the girls in sparkly pink jerseys and laugh at that one loser who's wearing a Leafs jersey for no good reason.

Robin Scherbatsky, How I Met Your Mother. As some of our longtime readers may remember, she's one of our kind. A bit of a badass, knows the game, loves the players, isn't afraid to get a little loud, and knows that real girls wear real jerseys - no pink, no sparkles, no wearing of leggings in lieu of real pants. She knows how we roll. It wouldn't be long before we'd start high-fiving strangers and making up new insults to yell at the Bruins.

Stefon, Saturday Night Live. Okay, this is mostly a joke, because Stefon explains the weirdest things as if they're completely banal. (Example: human suitcases.) Can you imagine his face when I have to start explaining hockey to him? "It's that thing, where really jacked Czechs..."

Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock. Not because of his appreciation for sports. (Somehow, I don't see a wealthy Republican ever showing enthusiasm for a group of men whose careers involve sweating.)
Because he's a higher-up at NBC (property of Kabletown!) so he can probably get me good seats for any hockey game I want, provided it's a game NBC is interested in. Can't you just hear Alec Baldwin's voice saying "I hope you like Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Boston, and Chicago"?

I think it's time to watch some reruns or open up a DVD or two. I need TV.

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