Top 5: Pop Stars as Hockey Teams

It's the first Saturday of the hockey season. Elsewhere, Miley Cyrus, the current queen of controversy, is hosting Saturday Night Live. So, the obvious thing for me to do is make a list of the...

Top 5 Pop Stars That Remind Me Of NHL Teams

The Buffalo Sabres are Miley Cyrus: Have you tried understanding Miley Cyrus lately? It's really hard. She (understandably) doesn't want to be thought of as "trashy", but has described her own style as "Chanel meets white trash." She also says that she dresses better than other girls, even when she's wearing uglier clothes than they are. She, like Buffalo, epitomizes that old cliché, "I'm not like other girls." Buffalo, too, is unknowingly trying to simultaneously ignore and glorify its own trashiness. Both got a makeover over the summer. They both try really hard to be tough, but are basically just trying really hard to be Rihanna (who, I suppose, would be the Boston Bruins.)

The Toronto Maple Leafs are Lady Gaga: Been showing us the same stuff for years, but keep trying to convince us that they're the greatest show on Earth, that they're different and better than everyone else. But... come on, now.

The Montreal Canadiens are Britney Spears: Both have been in the public eye for a while, had some career ups and downs, supposedly past their prime but are looking pretty fierce these days.

The Chicago Blackhawks are Beyoncé: Works hard. Plays hard. Runs the world.

The Pittsburgh Penguins are Katy Perry: Beloved by small children and adult men alike. Super eager to show us all their new look, you guys! (It's just a shame that penguins are one of the only animals that Katy didn't name-drop in "Roar," which is so incredibly boring compared to its title.)

You'll notice that no team is Taylor Swift. That is because everyone associates Taylor Swift with singing about her exes, and who complains more about the men they used to love than hockey fans? So, congratulations, we are all Taylor Swift.

I want a do-over

It looks as though the Leafs' idea to make their ice out of river water from everywhere in Canada (!) paid off. We're screwed, then, because the Leafs won and Toronto still thinks it's the center of the universe. Remember, everyone: Montreal has better bagels. And Arcade Fire. So yeah, OK, Toronto, you won this game, but whatever. Go listen to Down With Webster and eat your bagels that look like donuts.

Oh, and Toronto? You brought out Leafs legends from all ten provinces before the game, but Canada also has territories. And they hate you now.

"Remember us?"

Carey Price may have started the game in a not-ideal way, letting in 2 goals in the first ten minutes, but he quickly found his stride and made us all forget he was sick yesterday. Which is excellent news for Jaroslav Spacek, who wasn't exactly in top shape tonight. If I were Spacek, I'd thank Carey Price profusely.

Other than Carey Price, one person on the Canadiens payroll is probably smiling quite a bit: Pierre Gauthier. Our two goals came from new guys, to which I say good job, Boyd and Halpern. And shape up, Scott Gomez: an almost-goal is not the same thing as a goal.

I'm hoping that for the majority of the season, this team can stay healthy. If the Canadiens have a full roster for most of the season, they'll be ok, but powerplays just weren't as good as they needed to be because we were missing key players.

Also missing: fights. It took the Battle of Alberta like ten seconds to get fighty. This was just a little bit too tame for a Habs-Leafs game... unless you count the fight that broke out after the game ended. Ryan White could have fixed that. But I won't dwell on White being cut... as long as Mathieu Darche can stop taking stupid penalties. He knows better.

Okay, it wasn't a perfect game. That's okay, game 2 is in less than 48 hours, and the Habs know a thing or two about beating Pittsburgh.

Last Plus/Minus before the playoffs

82 games later, and this city is still wondering what to expect from its legendary hockey team.

Well, we can definitely expect to see the Washington Capitals this week. No, we don't know what will happen. The love-hate relationship between fans and players continues, as our Habs just barely made it into the playoffs, almost out of spite. (I kind of want to see them win the Cup this year and have a team leader, exhausted and battle-weary, lift up the Stanley Cup and shout "Is this enough for you, jackasses?")

PLUS

+ We made the playoffs!
+ Bill McCreary is one of my favourite game officials. (I can't name very many others, but I defy you to find a more even-tempered referee with a better mustache.) I'm quite happy that the NHL asked him to Brett Favre it and work for at least one more year.

+ Guy Boucher is the AHL's best coach, his first year in the league? Excellent.

+ to Steven Stamkos for tying Sidney Crosby as the NHL's best goal-scorer this season. (Don't worry, Ovie, you were still the first to reach 50 goals this season. And last season.)

MINUS

Coach: you look how I feel.

- Okay, seriously, team? There were some excellent moments in this week's games but I would have preferred not to sneak into the playoffs by the back door. I'm hoping the Habs were just storing up some energy for the coming weeks. We're playing a team who hopped the express train to the postseason, whereas the Habs got there by... suburban public transit.

- The Leafs just love to screw with us, don't they? They lost the Rangers game that they should have won, and then decided to beat the Habs in OT (way to twist the blade, Dion Phaneuf), just to make sure to do their part in our squeak into the postseason.

- I've got to be honest. Lately, Jacques Martin hasn't really been as reassuring as a confident coach should be. The only big risk he's taken is starting Halak all week after some losses, but that's about as risky as ordering soup instead of salad.
- If the rumours are true that those guys in charge of the Flames want to rid themselves of Jarome Iginla, then they deserve a Darwin Award. I'll get the campaign going right after I make sure Pierre Gauthier makes Iginla a Hab.

NOT SURE IF IT'S A PLUS OR MINUS

Playing a team that I like in the first round of the playoffs. Last year when the Capitals played the Penguins in the playoffs, I told everyone I'd be okay with the results no matter who won. Then the Penguins eliminated the Caps, and I was not a happy little girl.

We'll see what happens, I guess.