Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Habit Her Way Awards 2013, part 2

Let's be honest. I love awards season so much that I had to make it last a little longer. This installment focuses mostly on what happened before the season started. 

The MacGuffin Trophy for Best Inanimate Object
The Internet would probably smite me if I didn't choose #NHLPodium, so I guess it wins this season.
First place in my heart: the NHL tablecloth that accompanies the Stanley Cup.

The Flava Flav Trophy for Best Time Of Day
Apprently the best time to be a hockey fan in 2013 was that ungodly time between night and morning, when you're not sure if any humans are actually awake or if Tim Hortons secretly closes because not even truckers go to the drive-thru at that hour. You know, between like 1 AM and 4 AM? The sun hadn't even thought about rising when the NHL finally got its act together and announced that there would be a season after all. David Desharnais signed a contract extension at some hour that only hobos and emergency rooms are awake. And before any of that happened, most of Canada turned on the TV at... I don't even want to remember what time, to watch the World Juniors.

The Michael Bay Trophy for Most Unnecessary Sequel
They made a nineteenth Fast and the Furious movie, and it only loses this trophy for two reasons:
1) Paul Walker looks good, I guess
2) It's nowhere near as annoying as next season's onslaught of outdoor games.
You're starting to exaggerate, hockey, with all these outdoor games. You're like Taylor Swift with writing songs about her exes. Yes, I went for a super-obvious Taylor Swift joke. But it's still less obvious than you, announcing all these outdoor games while you dive into a pile of money like Scrooge McDuck. We like the Winter Classic just the way it is!

Best Thing About The Lockout

I ordered a five-game ticket package last September, when I believed that the lockout wouldn't last very long. I was wrong, obviously, but I had already charged those tickets to my credit card and paid it off. So what was there left to do? Wait for each game date to be cancelled, cry a little, then stop crying when I realized that every cancelled game was like a tiny windfall: a discount on my flight to Italy, or a surprisingly small balance after the holiday shopping season. So thanks, Geoff Molson, for giving me back the money I had paid you to see Saku Koivu.
Second-Best Thing About The Lockout: Going to Italy.

Worst Thing About The Lockout
Pretty much everything. By the time November came around, I was ready to get out of town.

The WGA Award for Best Lockout Distraction
The tribute concert for Hurricane Sandy, organized by Bruce Springsteen. He filled Madison Square Garden with people who deserved to be there and people who wanted to make a difference, and he gave them hours of the absolute best musical performances they could ask for. This concert had everything: a Nirvana reunion fronted by Paul McCartney, Kanye West in a leather skirt, Martin Scorsese... and, most importantly, it gave the people who worked so hard to make a difference in the face of disaster - the volunteers, the hospital staff - a chance to get the cheers and applause usually reserved for whoever's on the ice or the stage at MSG.

The Han Solo Trophy for Badassery
Remember that time Carey Price got one or two of his teeth knocked out, spit them out, then skated to the bench with teeth in hand? Yeah, that was gross.

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