Top 5: Things Hockey Should Borrow From Soccer

I may not watch much soccer outside of international tournaments and the occasional Impact game, but it can be a great spectator sport. It has global appeal and a great culture, so it brings people together just the way that sports would in a perfect world. Unless, of course you're one of those people who believes that you can't cheer for any country other the one you live in. I skipped the World Cup opening ceremonies (why is it that Pitbull is so unappealing as a recording artist, and so adorable as a breed of puppy?) but I'm looking forward to watching the rest of the tournament.

Oh and by the way, yes, I call it "soccer" and not "football" or "futbol." Sorry, I guess.

Top 5 Things Hockey Should Borrow From Soccer

Ultras. Hockey has passionate fans. I know. There are the people who've had season tickets for decades, the people who go to the World Juniors and paint their faces, and the people who throw stuff on the ice when officials make terrible calls. But most hockey markets don't have the same kind of loud, insane fans who have an arsenal of pre-rehearsed chants and who turn fandom into its own sport. I mean, okay, some cities have those jerks who'll vandalize stuff or riot, so hockey has THAT in common with soccer, but you'll rarely hear the steady background vocals of a hockey crowd like you will at a professional soccer game.

Commentators who yell a lot. I mean, some of that yelling comes from obvious homerism, but the rest just comes from from passionate commentators who still appreciate the game and don't spend all their time trying to sound like the voice of authority. (Let's be honest: the occasional hockey broadcaster just sounds like they're asleep at the wheel.) Goals are exciting! I wish more commentators would acknowledge that.

One-named athletes. Why do soccer fans get to have all the fun, cheering for guys named Felipe or Chicharito? These guys are like the Beyonces of the sports world, and hockey fans are stuck cheering for dudes with names like "Mike Richards" and "Sidney Crosby." Why does the NHL get all of the Debbie Gibsons and none of the Beyonces?
(Note: Yes, I am aware that hockey has some cool-ass names, like "Ryan Malone" and "Zemgus Girgensons", but they're still your regular old first name-last name combos, like any regular human has. They lack the magic, the punch, of a one-name wonder.)

Jersey swaps. The handshake line is good, it's great, okay? Don't hate me, hockey purists. Jersey swaps are great, though, because the players need to take a little more time to interact. Seriously, why doesn't hockey do this from time to time? ...other than "Because the hockey card companies want to buy up all those jerseys and chop them up."

A Champions League. The Olympics and other international tournaments are great in that fans get to see dream teams - players from the same country hand-picked from pro teams across the league. How cool would it be to see the teams we know playing against the best teams from across the world? It would make the Spengler Cup look like... um... the Spengler Cup.

Happy World Cup month, everyone!

First week without hockey.

You know what I hate about the Stanley Cup Finals? The schedule (only one hockey game every two days, and no other hockey at all) is supposed to help transition viewers out of the hockey season and into the summer, but Final games are usually the most exciting, as evidenced by all the high-scoring and coach-whining. Someone (in this case, an Original 6 team, yay) gets a big shiny trophy at the end, and everyone's cheering and hugging and singing "We Go Together," and then it's over. Done. No more hockey, come back next year.

What's a girl supposed to do?

Top 5 Things To Do Now That It's The Offseason/Summer

1. Get "Chelsea Dagger" out of your head. (If you dislike it as much as I do.) The Chicago Blackhawks have given us a pretty big mission over the summer, by scoring so many goals and letting us hear that earworm so many times. I thought I was going to go insane. I had the men in white coats on standby. To finally exorcise "Chelsea Dagger," you'll have to fight fire with fire, and find some song that'll replace it in your head but hopefully not make you go mad. Maybe some Michael Jackson or Beastie Boys or if all else fails, watch a musical. (The manic Moulin Rouge! did it for me.) If you're really desperate, I guess there's Lady Gaga or the Black Eyed Peas, but you don't want to go there unless you have to.

2. Other sports! You may have watched the Grand Prix this weekend, or just enjoyed the downtime between soccer games. We're pretty lucky that there's a World Cup this year to tide us over, since soccer is one of the closest things to hockey you'll get, and international soccer is the best kind. (Hockey - pads + bromance = soccer) If you like baseball and tennis then you're also in luck. Or, roller derby! It's basically hockey - sticks and puck + better nicknames. Montreal events have been selling out quickly this season, so you might want to buy your tickets in advance.

3. The standard. Watch hockey movies, read hockey books, go back a couple years in the Habs Inside/Out archives... I'm sure you thought of all this already. I've got some magazines and things I picked up during the season but didn't read, Larry Robinson's book, Ken Dryden's book, and a brand-spanking-new copy of The Hockey Sweater to read, along with some other books, so I'll probably manage - and learn a thing or two along the way.

4. Um, summer stuff? You can't usually have barbecues during the regular season, especially in Montreal, so get outside and eat some meat. Or run to Ben & Jerry's to try Caramel Hat Trick. Or go to the beach. Or go see a comedy show. Or skip the draft to see a free Brian Setzer concert at Jazz Fest... I'm just never going to watch an NHL draft, am I?

5. Do the Happy Gilmore. Go golfing in a hockey jersey.

(Any excuse to mention Happy Gilmore is a good one, no?)