Saturday, October 26, 2013

The Right Way To Mo

Last year, I came down pretty hard on people who didn't want to participate in Movember. This year, I'll try to be nicer.

Gentlemen, if you're on the fence about spending a month growing hair on your upper lip, I have some advice for you: wear your mustache like you wear your team's jersey on a gameday. Have confidence. Do you think that George Parros would rock his mustache if he didn't know how to make it the most glorious mustache on Earth?
Make it work. Don't act like you immediately know you'll look awkward or pervy, and don't think that your mustache can't be controlled. You grew it, and you can keep it in line. Don't be that guy.

You may be asking, "Which guy, exactly?" So I'll tell you. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, so let's just call this guy I know Bart Simpson. Bart participated in Movember a couple of times and hated it, mostly because he was in it solely for the mustache-growing - but his mustache didn't look good. I wouldn't tell him to his face, because that would be rude, but he just didn't know how to have a mustache on his face, and now he doesn't want to take part in this popular men's health initiative. If you ask me, he has no one to blame but himself. All he had to do was make sure that the clothes and hairstyles he wore while he had a mustache didn't make him look a caricature of a poet in the 90's.

I'm not kidding.

Anyway, here are a few things you may want to avoid, as evidenced by my hand-drawn mustaches:

This might be a little bit much.

If you still look like you might be twelve years old, don't try anything that looks too ridiculous. Or anything that looks like a milk mustache.

If you're Lucius Malfoy, stop growing a mustache and also maybe stop being terrible?

Man-bangs and mustaches do not mix, unless you're a Beatle. Which you're probably not. You are, however, welcome to invest in some Sgt. Pepper outfits and give it a real good try.

Do not wear a turtleneck and chain if you have a mustache. There are no exceptions to this.

Keep your mustache in check. Don't let your ego write checks your body can't cash. Yes, I did just steal that from Top Gun, because it's what Pierre McGuire would do. Don't be Pierre McGuire.

So, men of Movember, do whatever you have to. Just be proud of your mustache and all the good work you're doing.

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