Plus/Minus will miss mustaches

The first boring game against the Bruins in a long time. Something or other in Carolina (I was busy buying peanut butter cups and accidentally making a terrible Caesar salad, which I didn't know was possible.) A DAYTIME game in Philly, what even is that about. And I'm not even sure what happened against Pittsburgh.
At least there was a lot of hockey this week, right?

PLUS

+ More than ever, Phoenix Coyotes property Andy Miele is a HIHW sweetheart. (It was awfully dusty at the exact moment I read that tweet, I swear.)
+ TSN Radio 990's Simon Tsalikis wrote a hysterically mean tweet lambasting the excitement surrounding Crosby's return. Most people didn't laugh at it, but Simon isn't the guy who wants to make people angry. He just wants to make people laugh, and I laughed, so mission accomplished.
+ A Plus to Travis Moen for his 50th career goal.
+ Josh Gorges leads the league in blocked shots.
+ Why am I so excited about the NBA lockout being over?
+ Saku Koivu scored a goal on his birthday.
+ Rob Riggle's guest stint on this week's Happy Endings was every kind of weird and funny. It looks like both he and Casey Wilson actually were better off being fired from SNL: they've found other ways to showcase their comedic strengths.


MINUS

You're right, Carey.

- The officiating in last night's game against Pittsburgh was just terrible. Bad calls all around, for both teams; so bad that even I noticed, which I rarely do.
- A few Penguins fans overexaggerated Max Pacioretty's hit on Kris Letang. I'm not going to defend the hit, but no person in their right mind could actually think that Pacioretty's hit was more malicious or did more damage than the one that put him in the hospital last season. Max Pacioretty is not a terrible person. Quit your whining.
- I feel like every sentence that starts with the name "Scott Gomez" ends with either "is injured" or "sucks." Can that change, please?

The Habs are California-bound. Is it too late to sneak onto that charter? I've been to the last two Habs-Kings games and I'd like to make it a three-peat, plus I need a vacation to take my mind off the end of Movember.

Fantasy sports are still a mystery

Do you remember last season's Office episode where Erin finally meets Holly Flax, Michael's soulmate, and just does not understand why Michael loves her?

"I don't get it!"

That's how I feel about a lot of things. And, a few months after I was convinced to try it, I'm pretty sure it's how I feel about fantasy sports. (I haven't checked the scores of today's big NFL games or how my fantasy football team, When In Romo, is doing.)

Sure, I get to come up with lists and lists of pun-tastic team names until I finally pick one. And I get to pretend to hate people for a minute if they draft the goalie or the tight end I want, which I guess is fun?
And I get to decide on a draft strategy. For instance, almost every football player I chose had an awesome name (Jacquizz Rodgers is awesome on its own, and Kendall Hunter makes me think of Buffy). And I get to pretend I'm in charge of players... even though it would be much cooler to literally be in charge of Jonathan Toews. But I feel like the fun ends once the team's name and logo are chosen.

All I've really done so far in fantasy football is learn a few more players' names, and find out who's a good fantasy player. I haven't adopted any new players or teams as a result of fantasy football or hockey.  I'm worried that eventually I'll turn into that person who doesn't get upset when their favourite team gets scored on and says something like, "It's okay because I have Van Riemsdyk in my pool." Or that person who doesn't care how gorgeous that Jordan Eberle goal was if it wasn't assisted by Taylor Hall. People let their fantasy teams compromise their love of the game sometimes, and I just can't let myself do that. I don't get mad at my players when they get injured; instead I just think it sucks for them, because I picked them up expecting them to have a great season, and an injury is going to keep them from doing a job they love.

I'm also not really sure why it's fun. I decided to try fantasy football and hockey because so many people told me that it was fun. (Their exact words.) And I turned down a few offers to join even more leagues, so clearly lots of people enjoy this. Although no one but my brother has taken more than a minute to explain to me how it works... so, how fun is it, really?
So far, all I enjoy is winning. It's fun to win, especially during those weeks where I don't really "win" at anything else, but victories come as a result of pure luck. You can try and trade for the right players or set the right lineups, but ultimately everything comes down to chance. You put the same amount of effort into a win as you do a loss. No one likes losing at anything, but it's not like I really had any part in the loss.

I can only assume that most people are like me: They want to win at something, and that's why they keep joining fantasy leagues. But if there's anything I'm missing, please explain it to me, because I don't get it.

Separated at birth?

My sister and I first noticed this a couple of years ago, and I don't think I've ever mentioned it on this blog before, but I need to share this. For two reasons, mostly.
1- The new Muppet movie comes out tomorrow.
2- There was an a Twitter-wide discussion today about who the best Muppet is, and poor Gonzo got a whole lot of hate.

So... THIS has never been truer:

They could be brothers!

Is IR a lie?

Today is a special day in hockey, because Sidney Crosby is the only player to ever return from an injury in the history of the NHL.
Or so everyone would have me believe, but come on, I'm not THAT clueless about hockey, and you're not all that kid I saw at the Hockey Hall of Fame blazing past the Gordie Howe jersey and through the replica Canadiens' dressing room, in search of a Crosby poster. (No, I'm completely serious. That kid exists. He actually said, "I don't care, I only like Crosby."

Anyway, what's up with all those other guys who have missed games lately? I did some sleuthing to find out what they were really up to:

Hal Gill: He's fine, he just needed a few days off to catch up on Terra Nova and jam to the new Florence + The Machine album.

Scott Gomez: Spent some time swimming through his money like Scrooge McDuck.

Ryan White: Filming a bit part in The Avengers, unfortunately has not convinced Scarlett Johansson to go out with him yet.

Andrei Markov: Disney World!

Marky's new practice helmet.

Mason Raymond: Designed a line of fancy back braces, for guys who just think they look cool.

David Perron: Did some travelling and found himself. Yeah, it took him a while. You can't trek through a desert in a day. He'll be back to the game as soon as he finishes doing all his laundry and checking his voicemail.

Ryan Miller: Will return to the game once his album drops.

But, unfortunately, we won't be hearing about all this because it's not as important or something. (By the way, everyone, guess who else is putting out a new album soon? Bruce Springsteen, the only boss we listen to.) I'm very happy that Crosby's healthy enough to be back and do more than make commercials, but I want to hear about other injured players too, you know? What's Ryan Miller's album going to be called?

Plus/Minus: Do the wave

I'm not quite sure what to say about a week in which Carey Price posts two shutouts but the Habs also lose to the Islanders. Life is full of surprises, I guess.

They see me trollin'...

PLUS
+ Erik Cole's trolling is hysterical.
+ Two shutouts, Carey. Unbelievable. I love my goalie so damn much.
+ Travis Moen. Goal. Again.
+ For the even rarer goals: A Plus to Paul Bissonnette for scoring his fifth career goal! And his mom was there! Probably the only time I won't be grossed out by a headline like "BizNasty scores with mom at game."
+ Drew Doughty's mustache.

+ Ironic that Glee's best episode of the season came after its worst. "Hot For Teacher" is easily one of my favourite musical numbers this season. And I don't usually do this, but I immediately downloaded the  Adele mashup.
+ I usually like my funny shows to be funny, but damn it if How I Met Your Mother isn't so damn good at the dramatic stuff.
+ The first two episodes of Once Upon A Time hadn't quite convinced me to love the show. But the third and fourth episodes most definitely have.

MINUS

He's a natural!

- For some reason, I'm not able to put Mason Raymond as a write-in vote for the All Star Game. Can someone please fix this? Voting for MayRay is an annual tradition for me.
- Jonathan Toews and Carey Price didn't make the Sexiest Man Alive shortlist? WHY I NEVER. ...Oh, wait, this isn't that kind of blog. Still, I am offended.
- I'm kind of upset that the Hamilton Bulldogs didn't win at the Bell Centre on Friday, but I'm more upset that their next game in Montreal isn't against the Marlies. It's on my hockey wishlist!
- I talked about what a mess this whole Penn State situation was last week. And now we find out that former coach (and octogenarian) Joe Paterno has been diagnosed with cancer, and without even thinking about it, popular opinion dictates that he deserves it. I don't care who the patient is, a cancer diagnosis is NEVER good news. Finding joy in someone else's misfortune because he had it coming shouldn't be popular opinion. I'm not taking anyone's side here. I'm just stating what I think is right, and you're all welcome to disagree with me if you'd like to.

- Eddy Palchak retired before I started watching hockey, and now he won't be around to tell stories about all the amazing things that the Canadiens have done. His passing is an unfortunate reminder that eventually, the Habs' golden history will be so far behind us that all we'll be left with are memories. Let's keep those memories alive, and do everything to support our team and have incredible stories of our own. Rest in peace, Eddy.


Oh, and this week Sidney Crosby is back or something, I guess.

Plus/Minus: Without y'all, I can't buy my Phantom

So maybe this team is scrappier than I thought they were. It's kind of inspiring: people count them out, and we all keep wondering what's wrong and if things will get better or worse, and then the Habs win. I need to learn to stop counting them out.

PLUS

+ The above tweet from Paul Bissonnette, who's a good guy once you get past all the girls in yoga pants and whatnot. (But if you'd rather just go for laughs, read Ron Artest's tweets about how much he misses playing basketball.)
+ Teemu Selanne dressed up as Batman for Halloween! How awesome is that? (I heard rumblings that one of our Habs also dressed up as Batman, but unlike the Coyotes, the Habs' Halloween pictures remain a secret...)
+ For those days when work never ends, and you think you should go to bed early instead of watching the end of the game, but you change your mind and Josh Gorges scores the overtime game-winning goal.
+ Travis Moen, you are scoring goals this season. And the team appeciates that.
+ Max Pacioretty needs to go to the All-Star Game. (See Minus for more on the ASG.)
+ Ryan Miller called Milan Lucic a piece of... well, you know. And while I'm not sure that that's sportsmanlike or whatever, it's hella entertaining and I look forward to quoting that sound bite and seeing it on SportsCentre Top 10s for some time.

MINUS

I thought I could trust him

- Does Carey know that PK was triple-low-fiving another goalie?
- I'm sorry, but I still don't know what a Scrivens is. Someone please explain, and make fun of me if you must.
- Hey, Flyers and Bolts: you know that playing hockey involves MOVING AROUND, right?
- I thought players had to play a minimum number of games to be eligible for the All-Star ballot. But Sidney Crosby is on it. So, can we just write anyone in? A locked-out basketball player? An actor who played a hockey player in a movie? Sidney Crosby's dad? Batman? LMFAO? Or how about my cat? They've all played just as many games this season as Crosby has. I encourage you to vote for my cat.

- There is literally nothing I can say about this Penn State mess that hasn't been said already, and especially nothing that can make this situation better. I don't know why anyone didn't realize that covering up child molestation is not only unbelievably wrong, but even worse for the school's future than taking immediate action. I don't know what could have motivated so many people to want to cover this up. I don't know why Joe Paterno didn't realize that this scandal could end his career, and didn't try to show some sort of remorse or accountability by retiring before getting fired. But I do know one thing: it's made us as fans think about what we may not know is happening behind the scenes, and that maybe our loyalty to a sport isn't the most important thing there is in life.

Plus/Minus is not hiding out in the locker room

I guess I needed a few days off from hockey to stop squeeing with excitement at all of the winning. And to catch up on everything on my DVR.

Yes, that is where Scott Gomez goes when he goes to work

PLUS
+ I had a great time at the FestiFan today. I got to visit some areas of the Bell Centre that are usually off-limits to lowly fan-blogger-folk like me, and see the NHL tablecloth that goes under the Stanley Cup! (You may not know how much I want a tablecloth like that.) And Michel Lacroix told me I was prettier than the people who usually keep him company in the penalty box. Doesn't every girl want to hear that she's prettier than Zdeno Chara?

+ Andrei Kostitsyn might have to take up baking, because his haters need a plate of humble pie.
+ Okay, okay. I reluctantly give a Plus to Erik Cole because maybe he has a purpose.
+ Steven Stamkos scored a hat trick! Matt Duchene scored a hat trick! (So did a Bruin but whatever.)
+ Parks and Recreation has found the right balance of hilarity and heart. If the entire "End of the World" episode isn't proof of that, then you need to watch it - and the Halloween episode - again.

MINUS

- Rangers fans chanting "USA! USA!" at Madison Square Garden. Um, what? Why? Our captain is from the same place as your captain, and your goals (except for that BS empty-netter) were scored by Canadians.
- Terrible, terrible penalty calls in the game against the Rangers.
- I had to wait a month to watch Fox's Tuesday comedy lineup again... and I was kind of disappointed.

Can someone please help me find enough tea to calm down Czechtacular for the week, what with the Oilers and the Phoenix? She may go insane.