Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Licensed to Ilya

So Ilya Kovalchuk is on his way to becoming a small-scale LeBron James type of guy. He's taking an awful long time to decide what team he's playing for next season, and he's not getting any more popular, and he's certainly not getting any richer by shopping himself around all this time and playing hard to get. Come on, Ilya, if there's anything to be learned from the LeBacle it's that you can't be the top free agent forever. And if you're even thinking about booking a primetime TV special to announce where you're going next season... please, PLEASE let me produce it.

I'm serious. It'll be my contribution to society. I'm even preparing pitches!

The makeover show! Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Only a girl would come up with an idea like a makeover show." First, you're an idiot and I hate you (but thanks for reading my blog; there's hope for you yet). Second, it's completely warranted. Kovalchuk's got terrible hair, and if he wants to be the most talked-about player in the NHL, he should at least try to look like he doesn't get his hair cut by his mommy. If he goes to LA, he'll need to know what looks good on him before he goes to all those fantastic shops. If he stays in New Jersey, a new look will be one less thing for Sean Avery to use as cannon fodder.
We could start by getting rid of or framing all the jerseys and equipment that he won't need anymore (anybody want a game-worn Thrashers jersey? Don't all say yes at once). Then Ilya could take us through his wardrobe, talking about what he likes to wear. Then we could bring in some teammates to make fun of him. Then he gets some advice from Stacy and Clinton types, and goes shopping.
The big news: The new team reveal could happen in some creative way, like his new coach and GM jump out from behind a mirror, or he shows off a new suit then opens the shirt up to reveal a logo, Superman-style.

The variety hour! I'm sorry, LeBron, but getting an old white guy to ask you questions is not how to fill an hour of television when you're the most exciting athlete in your league. You have to DO something. Anything. Sing us a song, juggle some fire, put on a show, I don't care how. You hosted SNL, LeBron! You should have known better! Ilya's Decision One Hour Variety Spectacular will be so much better. Any non-hockey skills that Ilya may have will be put to good use here. Let's call up all his friends and make some unintentional comedy. Or intentional comedy, if we've got a few more Ryan Getzlafs in the league. (Now that he's proven he can be a bit funny, you have to admit he's quite aptly named.) Or call up Ilya's favourite singers and get them to perform on the show.
The big news: I'm not sure exactly how Ilya's choice of team will be announced, but I'm pretty sure I want it to somehow involve Laugh-In style doors.

The great debate! LeBron James called his TV hour "The Decision." Many elections in the US are referred to as "Decision (Insert Year Here)." Thus, the link between televised athletic ego-trips and political campaigns is undeniable. Let's have a debate! Just not a boring one. And since sports fans love watching people argue (see: 50% of what's on sports TV) it's a match made in heaven. The debate will have two moderators: Ilya Kovalchuk and Mike Milbury, just to keep things loud, interesting, and slightly boorish, just like all sports programming televised debates should be.
Round 1: The GMs still in the race debate and answer moderators' questions.
Round 2: Fans from each hopeful team make their cases, then beg Ilya to play for their team, then trash-talk the other teams.
Round 3: Free-for-all. No weapons, please.
The big news: For the sake of making it all TV-interesting, the great debate will take a page out of reality TV's handbook and make the GM and fans of each team huddle together all nervously, fingers crossed, under spotlights, as one by one they are eliminated from the race. It can be split into two segments by a commercial break if the network wants. Oh, who am I kidding, there'll definitely be tons of commercials.

The alternate universe! Lost has done it. Fringe has done it. Hell, even It's AWonderful Life has done it. Let's answer all our Ilya-related "what if"s by taking us into each potential city next season and finding out what might happen if Kovalchuk signs there. Each act will show us an alternate reality wherein Kovalchuk (played by Keanu Reeves, of course) is playing in what we're speculating will be the city of his choice. We'll also get to see a segment chronicling what might have happened if he'd never been traded to New Jersey. Oh, and the very last alternate universe we see before The Decision will be one in which we see what our lives could have been like if he weren't forced to wait all this time just for news about one hockey player.*
The big news: Should be revealed in the most Lost-y way possible because... oh, you know what? I don't really care. As producer I should know that Ilya and hockey aren't the star of this show anymore. As long as the big announcement (which will happen in our real universe, don't you worry) elicits a "whoa" from Keanu, the hour will be worth your time.

My guess, however, is that this TV special will either suck, or won't happen at all. But I wouldn't be surprised if we're stuck waiting for a decision for so long that I would have had time to plan, cast, build sets, and sell ad time for any of these shows.

Oh, and rest of the NHL? You can't call Kovalchuk "Kovy." That's Alex Kovalev's nickname. You can't double up on nicknames! Yes, I know there were two boxers called "Sugar" Ray but this is different.

* I have suddenly been reminded that we need to lock Carey Price down.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. LeBacle is brilliant.
    Except Ilya's hair is awesome. Don't try changing the Russian's bad styles, it's part of what makes them lovable


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