Plus/Minus: Doctor, Doctor, give me the news

In case you missed the news, someone identifying himself only as Dr. CK took out a full-page ad in the Montreal Gazette today to publish a letter expressing how sad he was that P.K. Subban isn't a Canadien anymore. (We don't know Dr. CK’s gender, and I hate to make assumptions, but let's be real he's probably a dude. I don't know many women who'd part with that much money just to not be a fan of their favourite team. I do, however, know some male politicians who'd spend stacks of money on "investigative commissions" and gazebos and at least one male NHL GM who thought Scott Gomez was worth nine million American dollars. Sorry, gents, but I'm pinning this one on you.) If you haven't read it, here's a quick summary: "Dear P.K., you are an awesome player and a good dude and I miss you already. You deserved to wear the CH for your entire career like so many legends who came before you. Also, I'm assuming you are still a loyal reader of the Montreal Gazette. Dear people who traded P.K., I'm super mad at you and we're not friends anymore. Like, I'm not even going to open my envelope of season tickets. So I took out this full-page ad because I thought you'd want to know.”

Now, I'm still very upset about the trade. I haven't written here since it happened. I spent the summer contemplating backup NHL teams and/or a sleep schedule that would allow me to watch a full night's worth of NBA games and still wake up in time for work the next day. I did not, however, spend a ton of money to self-publish on the same medium that Lesley Chesterman uses to complain that she had to wait for a table at a popular restaurant.

According to a journalist at CBC, a full-page ad in the Gazette costs around $20 000. Season tickets for 2016-17 start at $1795. The money that Dr. CK is spending to not attend games would fund at least 27 round-trip flights to Nashville for a weekend, or 128 Preds jerseys with #76 on them, or multiples of every item tagged "PK Subban" on Etsy. Or nearly two thousand beers at the Bell Centre. Or 174 tickets to the Montreal Children's Hospital's next fundraiser. Dr. CK spent more money on the Habs this fall than I earned – overall, pre-tax – the year that I started this blog. Was it worth it? Let's break it down.

PLUS
+ Dr. CK, You're injecting a lot of money into local journalism, and maybe single-handedly saving print media.
+ You inspire hope in young Montrealers who thought they'd have to move to Toronto to make that kind of cash.
+ I mean, at least you already have your tickets to the Habs-Preds game, right?

MINUS
- You could've just joined Instagram to tell P.K. you miss him.
- By paying for your season tickets and letting them sit in an envelope, you're still giving money to the very team that you no longer want to support, but you aren't getting anything in return.
- You'll just be the latest in an unfortunately long history of potentially embarrassing Habs fans that the rest of us have to answer for. Seriously, Dr. CK, if you've never been on the receiving end of endless insults from some loser Penguins/Leafs/Bruins/Flyers fan who can't let anything go... then maybe you've missed more games than you think.

The Golden State Warriors fanbase is full of people like this, isn’t it? There is truly no escape.

Plus/Minus is as unique as a snowflake

I love the Olympics so damn much that the NHL break couldn't come fast enough. I can watch the Habs any time I want to - but international hockey, ice dance, and snowcross? If only I could be so lucky. Hopefully this Plus/Minus will cover everything effectively enough.

PLUS

+ To football player Michael Sam, for being brave and honest enough to come out before he's even drafted to the NFL. The sports world is evolving, and it gives me hope that someday it will be as inclusive and as incredible as the fans wish it were.

+ Ryan White is back and all is right with the world again!

+ To Patrick Kane for his candid interview (and a nice little goal) after his grandfather passed away.
+ To Max Pacioretty, king of the breakaway. Too bad he isn't king of the penalty shot, otherwise we might've seen a five-goal game from him on Thursday.

+ To Canada's medalists, of course: Mark McMorris, the Dufour-Lapointe sisters, and the figure skating team (including Tessa Virtue's dresses, and her arms.) (If anyone knows how one would get their arms to look like that, please scroll down to the comments section and say so.)

+ Seeing a picture of Alex Bilodeau and Jean-Luc Brassard together. I think a lot of people my age loved watching Brassard back in 1994, and it's just so cool to think that Bilodeau, one of my favourite current Olympians, was watching too and would go on to win a gold medal because of it.

+ The Venezuelan flag bearer acted just like we all would if we got to be our country's flag bearer. Plus, this is his first Olympics: he's 43 years old and has only been skiing for three years.

+ I loved this video by SNL cast member Brooks Whelan, chronicling the last year as he went from LA-based part-time comedian to New York-based full-time SNL star (or, sort of.)

2013 from brooks wheelan on Vimeo.


MINUS
- It broke my heart to see Spencer O'Brien crying on TV because she didn't make the podium. It seemed as though she felt like she had let the country down. This Minus is for anyone who thinks it's okay to be disappointed in athletes who don't bring home a medal. Sure, it's great to see someone from your country on the podium, but that doesn't mean that they are a disappointment. I'm just proud to have Team Canada, and anyone who disagrees can just leave right now.

- Canadiens.com isn't letting me vote for Ryan White as Bell Player of the Week, even though he is Ryan White.

- Now that Fox has cancelled The X Factor, can it concentrate on developing its scripted shows? I'm giving them a Minus because I feel like that won't happen.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch some skiing or skating or whatever happens to be on. Go Canada Go!

Plus/Minus goes after the goalie

I guess the Habs are capable of winning games! Sometimes. Which is better than no times. And then they went and made a random trade, so I guess I still don't know how to feel about them.

PLUS

+ A huge Plus for this guy, who pulled off a pretty awesome surprise for his mom:

And she got to see her team win the Super Bowl. It must be so incredible to be there for that kind of moment, after decades of fandom. I'm so happy for this family and I don't even know them.
+ Carey Price and Josh Gorges giving their Super Bowl predictions: They gave some thought to their answers, which makes me think that when we're all grown up and they're retired, they'll make pretty good analysts. And they'll still be on our TVs.
+ Wait, is Daniel Briere a hockey player who scores goals? Whoa.
+ Bruno Mars delivered as a Super Bowl halftime performer. He and the Red Hot Chili Peppers did exactly what I hoped they would onstage, and a combination that I didn't think would work made for a pretty damn great halftime show.

MINUS

@CanadiensMTL Carey Price's {yet again} Gaf yesterday and that wou;d be tied with G-Molson being 100% AWOL and out of tiu h wiht reality!!!
— DonEladioVuente (@DonEladioVuente) February 3, 2014

- The less I remember about this weekend's games, the better. (Except for Brandon Prust fighting a goalie. I want to be reminded of that all the time.)

- A huge Minus to any Habs fan who complains that Carey Price let in one bad goal this weekend. He's been one of the only consistent players on the team all season. He has worked so hard to keep the Habs from completely tanking. Hell, just last week the players in front of him embarrassed him. How quickly can anyone forget that?

Anyway, welcome to the jungle, Dale Weise.

Plus/Minus: Mad City

It wasn't the greatest week that Habs fans have ever seen. It kind of flat-out sucked. But there's still tons to be optimistic about, right? Stuff that isn't about the Habs?

PLUS

+ The biggest Plus of the week, of course, goes to Anthony Calvillo. His career speaks for itself, but his behaviour both on and off the field is what will make him a legend.

+ I know that any display of emotion can cause a player to get in trouble, especially when that player's name is P.K. Subban, but I have no problem with his angry stick-throwing during the Capitals game. He was angry. We're all angry. No use hiding it.

+ Peter Budaj gets as many Pluses as he wants for picking a fight with Marc-André Fleury. Because who wouldn't want to mess with Fleury?

+ Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons' performance at the Grammys was one of my favourites in recent years. I know that the Grammys thrive on putting artists together onstage just for the novelty of it, but this combination worked so well. I could watch it over and over.

+ This picture of Kobe Bryant, 50 Cent, and Meryl Streep:

...Kobe is basically the Meryl Streep of basketball.

+ I'm a sucker for really sweet human interest stories. (Because I'm a huge sap who cries at everything.) Seahawks player Derrick Coleman's exchange with a 9-year-old deaf girl who called him her inspiration is just about the best thing I could read in preparation for the Super Bowl.

MINUS

- This tweet by Dustin Penner:

I know prostitution isn't legal in cali but there's no other way to explain 19yo "model" drivin a G-wagon...is there? http://t.co/YsfeJo4mUJ
— Dustin Penner (@Dustinpenner25) January 21, 2014

is just further proof that he is, in fact, an idiot. Assuming that a woman is a prostitute is just about the most offensive thing that anyone could do, and the fact that it's coming from a rich man who probably doesn't judge women based solely on the books they read. (Providing, of course, that he knows what a book is.)

- Oh, and also the fact that the Montreal Canadiens just can't get themselves together, and that their coach is just barely treading water.

- Oh, and the fans who misbehaved during Saturday night's game against the Capitals also get a Minus. Enough with the ironic cheers and the booing your own team. You guys are even worse than the jerks who leave early. (Inside this Minus, though, is a Plus, to whoever it was sitting near the Family section that started a "Never quit!" cheer.)

Dear Habs: Never quit. Please.

Plus/Minus is ready for Christmas break

The Habs, man. Like, what even? Seriously? I can't with them. They render me incapable of expressing myself in anything other than Internet platitudes. So let's just try and Plus/Minus the last couple of weeks while we get ready for the holidays:

PLUS
+ The Charlie Coyle moment that everyone loved, and reminded me why I love hockey:

+ Excellent work, Alex Galchenyuk.
+ 2 Max Pacioretty, not only for scoring, but also for bringing back his sword goal celly. Oddly appropriate for our very own Black Knight.
+ Beyoncé releasing a surprise album warrants a Plus all its own. Always Beyoncé.

MINUS

- I'm not sure if Gorges and Gally look more like lumberjacks or truck drivers or both. Share your suggestions in the comments.
- But, like, Daniel Briere, do you play hockey?
- I hate to see Josh Harding on IR, and I wish him the best. He's a hell of a player and I hope he gets to play a whole lot more.
- Thing that actually happened: Tyler Bozak referring to "We Can't Stop" - the Miley Cyrus song about the saddest drug addict party ever - as "upbeat" and fun to listen to after a win. This is why people hate Toronto.
- I remember a variety show I was in in fifth grade, one girl thought it would be funny to play a "sign language interpreter" and just flail all over the place. It wasn't funny then, and it isn't funny now.

Get some rest, Habs, and have some eggnog or something while you all make fun of Toronto and their Miley Cyrus song.

Plus/Minus: All we do is win

I know I haven't written one of these in a couple of weeks. So why not start up again after the Habs have a near-flawless week? ...Am I jinxing them somehow?

PLUS

+ THAT HIT by Lars Eller. Seeing it in person was something else. I don't even have the right reaction gif to express it.

+ David Desharnais' mustache. It is now a proven fact that mustaches make NHL players better at hockey.
+ Ever since I left on vacation, Max Pacioretty has been some kind of wonderful. (See also: Minus.)
+ Brandon Prust and Travis Moen are suddenly scoring goals, and I am very, very okay with that.
+ Apparently some Scandal fans are upset that the show is basically turning into Alias. I don't see how this is a bad thing.

+ I got to my seat at the Bell Centre on Thursday just in time to observe the moment of silence for Nelson Mandela. Apart from one moron who decided to shout incomprehensibly (and get shushed), the arena was quiet. It was really moving to see the organization - and the fans - pay such respect to a man who changed the world. A moment of silence can be hard to come by in one of the league's loudest arenas, and even at that, it seems like a small tribute to a great man. But I'm so happy that the team chose to take a minute and recognize everything he did in his lifetime.

MINUS

- Penguins. Bruins. You all are crazy. Stop kicking and punching everyone in the head.
- Now that Max Pacioretty is scoring goals and taking names, lots of people are saying that the people who wanted him traded have been silenced. Who are these people that wanted him traded? And exactly what illicit substances have they been ingesting?
- The Mindy Project is one of the most watchable comedies on network TV. The fact that it's going on hiatus for three months is a crime. The only upside to this is that it'll be replaced by Brooklyn Nine-Nine, one of the other watchable comedies on network TV. Still, I have no idea how this bodes for Mindy in the long term, and I'm concerned that Fox is sinking a show that seems to be in line with what they want to be as a network.


I hope I'm not jinxing them.

Plus/Minus comes back angry

It's been HOW long since I wrote a Plus/Minus? And I let a basketball game get in the way? Geez. Sorry. I'll try to work on that.

PLUS
+Thank you, Mikael Bournival, for being the new Brendan Gallagher. (Sorry, Louis Leblanc, but another kid with a French last name stole your thunder.)

+ George Parros is back! And his mustache will be, too!

+ Thank you to the clueless group of people who sat behind me at the Bell Centre during Tuesday's game. You entertained my followers more than I could have on my own. (I know I used to be much more of a rookie than I am now. But there's a limit to my patience.)

+ I know I'm not supposed to like goalies who do everything right and beat the Habs, but Josh Harding was great in his start against Montreal and has had an awesome season so far.

+ Here are my thoughts on recent episodes of Scandal:


MINUS

- Dear NBC: I want my Parks and Rec. Give me my Parks and Rec.

- Some jerk on sports talk radio apparently thinks that all of the world's evils have come from women trying to break into the sports world. I'm not even going to bother mentioning his name or anything, because who cares. Didn't I already deal with this moron when he called in to The Franchise the last two times I was on?

- So, Semyon Varlamov gets arrested for alleged domestic abuse, and continues to play. Gee, why does the whole "Avalanche goalie hurts wife/girlfriend" narrative sound so familiar? Could it be because Varly's coach did the exact same thing, but most people in the hockey world choose to pay attention to his accomplishments, and sweep his personal crimes under the rug. Roy's anger issues are looked at as yet another of his quirks. It was only problematic when he was basically responsible for that huge on-ice brawl as Remparts coach, because it affected hockey (and was symptomatic of a pretty big problem, one that he might indirectly be to blame for.) The Denver Post claims that Roy is "sticking his neck out" for Varlamov. That's bullshit. Roy isn't taking any risks. He's doing exactly what he thinks is right, which is to ignore the fact that the goalie he's taking such good care of might be a criminal. Roy thinks that this is far, when really it's reprehensible. For some unfortunate reason, people don't care about off-ice violence. Letting Varlamov start games when he should be under investigation, or getting help for whatever issues he may have, just proves that there's a growing culture of indifference towards players' behaviour off the ice. Players aren't seeing any consequences to their actions, even when they need to. If this doesn't stop soon, the NHL will be no better than the NFL.

Stick tap to Wrap Around Curl, who is also angry and disappointed that this league isn't doing anything.

Plus/Minus needs more gravy

Plus/Minus is back! And I, for one, am thankful that I can bring back one of HIHW's oldest features. It was on IR for far too long, and we've got tons of hockey and TV stuff to talk about. Shall we?

PLUS

+ That goal by Alex Galchenyuk. That. Goal.
+ The outpouring of support for George Parros after his injury was inspiring. Hockey people can be good people, sometimes.
+ Lars Eller and P.K. Subban are picking up points so easily, they almost make me think I can play hockey. (Me, with my clumsy limbs and my complete lack of athleticism.)
+ Joe Thornton had the quote of the year and it's barely even the year yet.
+ Sleepy Hollow might be my favourite new show of the season. It's got a talented, diverse cast, and it's  so scary but I can't help but watch it.
+ Thank you, Fox, for picking up John Mulaney's series after NBC decided not to go ahead with it!

MINUS

- Guillaume Latendresse isn't even playing in North America, and the Journal de Montréal is still writing cover features about him? Let it go, already. As interested as I am in the life of a North American player in Europe, I've had my fill of stories about Latendresse.
- Daniel Briere, you have one point. ONE. POINT. Are you just biding your time? Because I think most of us would prefer it if you just scored goals and such.
- ABC could have had a major hit in Super Fun Night. But a show that doesn't live up to its potential in addition to being mishandled by its network is just an unfortunate recipe for disaster.
- Once Upon A Time In Wonderland should be my favourite new show of the season. Unfortunately, the pilot was disappointing. The CGI wasn't convincing, there was too much of it, and most of the leads  just aren't engaging enough. I still like the concept, though, so with any luck it'll grow on me, just like Once Upon A Time did.
- This is way late, but a Minus to whoever it was that cancelled Go On. I can't even bring myself to watch Sean Saves The World, and I firmly believe that Go On would've been a great companion to The Michael J. Fox Show. And it has (almost) nothing to do with the fact that both series star good, hockey-loving Canadians.

With any luck, I'll be able to make Plus/Minus a regular feature again this season. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Have an extra scoop of mashed potatoes for me.

Plus/Minus isn't embellishing, because it doesn't own an eyelash curler.

A whole lot has happened in the last two weeks, hasn't it? Some things were expected (Jennifer Lawrence got that Oscar) and some weren't (Habs lost to the Islanders.)

PLUS

+ Carey Price made a save from the bench. If that doesn't go on his all-time highlight reel, then I will need to speak to some video editors.

+ Max Pacioretty got his scoring groove back!

+ 2  Congratulations to Francois Bouillon on his 500th game as a Hab, and to the team for their 20,000th franchise goal.

+ Actually, thanks for all of the goals over the weekend!

+ The Gallys did an excellent job of taking a prank in stride and walking around like some kind of millennial Night at the Roxbury spinoff.
+ Anthony Bourdain owns a Habs jersey:

+ Hamilton Bulldogs won at the Bell Centre! (A Plus within this Plus for Jarred Tinordi, due to personal preferences, and to Nathan Beaulieu, whose game is as good as his swag, or something.)

+ You know what? I'm giving a Plus to Jay Feaster. I can't say that giving an offer sheet to Ryan O'Reilly was a good idea, but it was lots of fun while it lasted.

+ The Parks and Recreation wedding was better than most weddings I've been to. (I hope none of my friends or relatives are reading this.)

MINUS

- Dear Habs: I love you, and that is why you have to stop losing to the Islanders.

- Can our injured players come back already?

- Despite all of the thinkpieces that have been written about this, I have to add my two cents: Seth MacFarlane was supposed to be the "edgy" comedian who gets to entertain the world by hosting the Oscars. And yet he relied on tired jokes about women, bits that ran too long, and just a hint of anti-Semitism. With any luck, Neil Patrick Harris will do a much better job next year.

February sweeps are over, so that means that TV is slowing down for a couple of weeks in order to gear up for the end of season. With the exception of Scandal, I guess. Should I start preparing now for the inevitable frenzy of first-round playoffs vs season finales?

Plus/Minus survived that Flyers game

When I started working on this Plus/Minus, I didn't even know what the Harlem Shake was. It seems like so long ago. Those were the days, man. Those were the days.

PLUS

+ Bruce Arthur noticed my Twitter bio, in which I refer to myself as "the Bruce Arthur of cat ladies."
+ Blake Geoffrion, for slowly getting back into shape and addressing the media after that nasty head injury.
+ Will Smith, for making the Bell Centre just a little bit fresher.
+ There was a brief bit of footage on the latest 24 CH where a bunch of kids in Washington were asked who they were cheering for, the Caps or the Habs. Obviously, almost all of them excitedly said "Washington!" and showed off their Caps jerseys. Except for one kid. As soon as their excitement died down, he said "No, Canadiens!" I think that kid might be my hero.

+ The last two episodes of Parks and Recreation had me falling off the couch. Such great acting, especially by the boys' club (Adam Scott, Aziz Ansari, Nick Offerman, and Rob Lowe) in a subplot about food poisoning. Also to whichever writer coined the phrase "Fleetwood Mac sex pants."

+ Scandal has been relentlessly suspenseful and soapy since I started watching it a few months ago. It just never stops. Every time I watch it, I can't help but worry about the eventual day when it'll jump the shark, but so far, it just keeps surprising me. 

+ Kelly Clarkson's acceptance speech at the Grammys was one of those rare moments in history that someone genuinely didn't expect to win an award and had to improvise their speech.
+ The NBA All-Star Skills competition is my favourite sporting event of the year. There, I said it. So it gets a Plus, for happening.

MINUS

- Get well soon, Brendan Gallagher.
- I hate to go for the easiest joke ever, but are NHL officials trying to make the NFL replacement refs look good? The officiating has been so bad lately that Nicolas Cage wants to make a movie about it.
- This Minus laments the fact that Will Smith couldn't get that gadget from Men In Black and make us all forget the last two. Losing to our two greatest rivals, and seeing a win slip away from us in the closing seconds of a game against Buffalo? Please make me forget that.
- I'm not sure what's worse: finding out that there are teeth in Mikhail Grabovski's no-face (and that he's not afraid to use them) or the utter ignorance of some Leafs fans, who are still crying because Brian Gionta got pushed into James Reimer and Reimer fell, but don't seem to think it's a big deal that one of their players bit someone. Are they only offended because they know that Max is indestructible and that the bite did nothing?

- This Minus is for anyone who hoped that Ryan White would get scratched, then watched the Leafs game and wished he wasn't.

- Christina Applegate left Up All Night. So did showrunner Emily Spivey, a few weeks back. And so will I.
- Charles Barkley is upset that there weren't enough stars in this year's slam dunk competition. He's not technically wrong, and maybe his saying so will encourage some of the NBA's bigger names to take part, but all that really matters are the dunks. If some lesser-known players decide that they're not too cool for school, and impress the audience, then what else matters?
- The only thing worse than refusing to be in the dunk contest is probably showing up to All-Star Saturday in a pair of leather sweatpants and a shirt with leather sleeves, LEBRON.

Happy birthday, Michael Jordan!

Plus/Minus: Can you handle this?

I think it makes more sense for this week's Plus/Minus to be presented in a slightly different order than usual, so please bear with this disorganized mess.

FOR THE PLAYERS

+ I skipped the gym for like a week after I had the stomach flu. Max Pacioretty was playing NHL hockey a week after surgery. (I don't care how minor a laparoscopic appendectomy is. It's still impressive.) Seriously what does Max Pacioretty eat for breakfast, and can I be put on an IV of it?
+ Brandon Prust isn't afraid to drop the gloves when he needs to, sticks up for his linemates, and overall just earns his money. I don't even care that he hasn't gotten his damn hair cut yet.

- Stop taking dumb penalties, Ryan White. I know I usually love everything you do, but make sure you don't get sent to the box for no reason. (That almost sounds like a euphemism. It was not supposed to.)
- Stop trying to mess with everyone, Chris Neil.

FOR THE COACH

+ the Angry Michel Therrien Twitter account. Sure, it's just a disposable parody Twitter account, but we needed it.

- Don't get me wrong, I genuinely enjoy having a coach who takes winning seriously and stuff, but does he have to take everything seriously? He banned the triple-low-five, and then announced that he did so. A good coach should know that his job is done when his team wins a game. He shouldn't try to script what happens afterwards.


FOR THE SUPER BOWL (sort of)

+ I really liked that all of the featured vocal talent - Jennifer Hudson, Alicia Keys, and Destiny's Child - was female. Yes, the national anthem has been sung by a female vocalist every year since 2008, but still. They could easily have featured some New Orleans-based talent, rather than New York icon Alicia Keys, but they didn't. (And that's cool, but... what about all that awesome New Orleans tradition?) Only a handful of female singers have headlined the halftime show in the last twenty years, and lots of people said a bunch of rude stuff about Madonna last year, so it would have been an easy choice to just go for a well-established band made up of dudes. But they went with Beyonce, who might be the hardest-working woman in showbiz. Also, CBS broke with tradition and didn't request that America the Beautiful be performed by a singer who belongs to the network, so that was pretty cool of them. I'm sure NBC appreciated the extra publicity for the new season of Smash.
+ Edited to add: During the first half, Aziz Ansari started a hashtag: #FNLSuperBowl. Basically he wrote the Super Bowl as an episode of Friday Night Lights. It was brilliant.

- Don't get me wrong, Beyonce looked great. But let's not forget that she wrote a song called "Bootylicious." And that she got a lot of credit for changing standards of beauty by (to paraphrase Tina Fey) bringing the leg meat. Yet she looked insanely thin at halftime. She had great legs, but how is anyone supposed to know whether they're ready for this jelly if there isn't any jelly of which to speak?

Plus/Minus: Locked out of heaven

Okay, yes, I took this post title from a Bruno Mars song.
Sometimes at the office, it seems like everyone around me is talking at the same time, which can be a little distracting (to say the least.) So I drown them out with music. Last week I listened to Bruno Mars, and no you are not allowed to judge me for it. I danced in my office chair, despite my best efforts not to. That's kind of how I feel about having NHL hockey back in my life. I'm trying to play it cool and pretend nothing has changed, but sometimes the excitement just takes over and I dance in my office chair. (In my defence: "Runaway Baby.")

PLUS

+ 2 One for each of our rookie Gallys, in honour of their first NHL goals.
+ Every time Ryan White accomplishes something, he gets a Plus. That's just how I run things around here. Ryan White scored a goal(!) and thus, he gets a Plus.
+ Czechtacular and I were hoping that Brandon Prust would not disappoint us. Between the punching and the scoring, he most definitely met our high expectations.
+ In my most recent appearance on the Habs 360 podcast, I said that Andrei Markov would be back in full force. I'm not giving myself this Plus - I'm giving Andrei Markov this Plus for being the amazing player I know he is.
+ A good captain has to "get" his role. He has to know what his team needs from him, and what his fans want from him. Brian Gionta delivered both in the season opener. I couldn't be prouder to have him as my captain.
+ Oh thank goodness I can finally stop hiding my #76 jersey between cardigans in my closet because P.K. is back!

MINUS

- Max Pacioretty's 3-4 week absence is a nightmare. Literally. I have this dream that seems to recur whenever I have a major event or responsibility coming up: The big day is just around the corner and I suddenly end up in the hospital with appendicitis, and I have to get on the phone and tell someone that I can't make it. (And, in the dream, I act like I'm really sorry to let everyone down, even though in real life I'd probably be all sick and feverish and asking for Tylenol.) Get well soon, Max.
- "A Girl's Guide to Watching the Rangers"? Just no. Stop. Anyone who writes garbage like this should just stop writing altogether.

- Hey, Fox? I understand that Ben & Kate's ratings weren't great, but you do realize that you had the two-hour comedy block that you've always wanted, and it was good, and you just punched a hole out of it, right?

Note to readers: For the rest of the season, Plus/Minus may be published intermittently, rather than on a weekly basis.

Plus/Minus can't even cover the entire first round

Summary of the first round of the 2012 playoffs: There was no shortage of high-scoring games, penalties, suspensions, or overtime. Sidney Crosby lost. The Bruins lost. The Kings played a lot better than expected. I ate a lot of cake. It was a pretty good round.

PLUS

+ Jonathan Toews took no time at all to return to scoring form after missing 22 (twenty-two!) games with a concussion. I was just happy to have him back. To see him score a goal is like icing on the cake. (The very serious, lovable cake.)
+ Congratulations to Jean Béliveau, Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe, Cassie Campbell-Pascall and Gord Renwick for being named to the Order of Hockey Canada, even though I'm still not completely clear on what that is.
+ Max Pacioretty's Masterton Trophy nomination is like the cherry on top of this year: He recovered from his injury, worked hard, came back better than ever, and brought Habs fans to their feet. Add to that his off-ice work, and you've got the kind of player that any sports franchise would be lucky to have.
+ Sean Couturier hat trick!
+ Jack Jablonski was discharged from hospital and by all accounts seems to be doing great.
+ The #NHLHungerGames hashtag on Twitter has been so much fun. I know, I know. I seem to like any hashtag that combines hockey and pop culture. As if that's surprising.
+ Major props to the Canadiens website for continuing to provide new videos and content for fans to read.
+ Sure, the 30 Rock live show was just another publicity stunt, but it was also an excellent excuse to have all of the show's friends in the same episode and be a super-meta love fest! (I mean that in the best way possible. I absolutely loved all of the cameo appearances in this episode.)

MINUS

- I love cheering for a hockey team that has produced so many legendary players, but I hate saying goodbye to them when the time comes. Rest in peace, Butch Bouchard.
- The Mike Cammalleri jersey saga: makes me happy that The Hockey Sweater exists, so people have something else to associate with the words "Habs jersey debacle."
- Shea Weber's attack on Henrik Zetterberg's head was absolutely ridiculous. There is no excuse for it. I don't even care about how amazing Weber's beard is when he does things like this. Oh, and a fine? The NHL fined him? That's his punishment? What, they couldn't suspend him because he technically didn't do it during a game?
- 25 I lost count of how many ruthless, unwatchable ways players hurt each other during this round of the playoffs. (Twenty-five for the number of games Raffi Torres was suspended, thanks to the "female viewers" apparently. You're welcome. rest of the NHL.)
- Hey, Don Cherry, I don't know who "Corey" Price is, but CAREY Price is a good Canadian boy who plays for a Canadian team, ya know? And he cares about the soldiers and he's an All-Star and you probably saw his dad play hockey.
- Okay, world, I get it. Some of you hate the Canucks, and the rest of you just hate their fans, but somehow I can't really blame Canucks fans for thinking everyone hates them when everyone really does hate them. I mean, seriously, can some of you maybe give it a rest?

- The saddest sports story I've heard in the last few weeks has got to be that of Italian soccer player Piermario Morosini, who died at the age of 25 of cardiac arrest after collapsing on the field. He had already lost both his parents and his brother, and is survived only by his handicapped sister.

Congratulations to the teams who've made it to the second round of the playoffs. Please make good TV and don't put each other in the hospital.

Plus/Minus: Out of the rabbit hole

Easter is one of the most joyful days on the Christian calendar. The day after a team's last game is one of the saddest days for a sports fan. I'm not quite sure how to feel, since this insane season ended on a high note. I feel like Alice out of Wonderland: I have no idea where I was or what was happening around me. All I know for sure is that now it's over.

PLUS

+ Tomas Plekanec's beautiful-gorgeous 3-on-5 breakaway goal.
+ Finally, Blake Geoffrion got to shake some rust off and actually play a few games.
+ The Cole-Pacioretty-Desharnais line. I don't think I've given them enough Pluses this season.
+ If you're going to wait all season to score a goal, you might as well score it from the other side of the ice with mere minutes left in the season. Nice work, Brad Staubitz!

+ Carey Price's cowboy hat.
+ I love seeing the players close out their season finale by "saluting" the fans with their hockey sticks, but I never would have expected them to toss around so many pucks and give the jerseys off their backs to fans.
+ Jay Baruchel.
+ Last year, I wrote an end-of-season post thanking the Habs players for their season. This year, I saw that another fan wrote one on Tumblr, and it's excellent.

+ Patrick Kane's game-winning shootout goal against the Red Wings was the perfect way to end an exciting game between two teams that I wish I could watch all the time, but instead I'm stuck with, like, Buffalo and stuff.
+ 60 goals for Steven Stamkos. 50 goals for Evgeni Malkin. Holy crap, this league.
+ An unfortunate omission from last week's Plus: Pucks and Pixels Hockey Design, spearheaded by a Chicago Blackhawks fan, has done some excellent work inspired by the You Can Play Project.
+ "Bein' Quirky With Zooey Deschanel" might be my new favourite recurring sketch on SNL.
+ Speaking of Zooey Deschanel on TV, Winston's angry rant on New Girl ended with what might be the best bit of dialogue I've heard all season: "Now go away, because I'm having cereal." ("Because I"m having cereal" is the new "Because it's the Cup.")

MINUS

- Mario Tremblay seems to think that Randy Cunneyworth's lack of québécois heritage is what cost the Habs their season. Really?! REALLY?! There are so many things wrong with that statement, that Tremblay probably wouldn't be able to count them all.
- I loved the end-of-season "Thank You" video that the Canadiens put together, but it hurts a little to see our most talented and dedicated players try to make up for fans and thank them when they know that there are so many idiot "fans" out there who shouldn't be allowed near the Bell Centre next season.

- Federal government cuts to the NFB are not only costing dozens of people their jobs, but they're closing their downtown facilities to the public. I've been to screenings there. I went to a 50-person Q-and-A session with Denys Arcand there. The government can't just take it away.

I'm still thinking about how to adjust to this new, playoff-less reality. I think the traditional Plus/Minus playoff format (one at the end of each round, instead of weekly) is going to come back.

Plus/Minus faces the music

The hockey season is winding down. We’re about a month away from May sweeps. If there is no Habs hockey on my television, and less television on my television, what am I supposed to do with myself? (Watch my all-but-ignored DVD’s and finally catch up on literally an entire season of guilty pleasures on the DVR, I guess?)

PLUS

+ This "Sh*t Habs Fans Say" video is brought to you by our friend Robyn, and it's great and we're so proud of her.
+ Congratulations, Josh Gorges, on winning the Jacques Beauchamp trophy. But you're more than an unsung hero! I'll keep singing you until you're sung.
+ to Geoff Molson, for doing his best to make himself available to the media after firing his general manager. So much has happened this season that left both journalists and fans confused, and it’s about time we have someone who at least tries to share as much information as he can.
+ I’m sorry, but Tomas Plekanec’s celebration after his goal against the Caps was hilarious. Louis Leblanc tried to go along for the ride and Pleks was just not having it. I know I should be disappointed because poor sportsmanship and all, but I laughed instead.
+ Any week where Stevie Nicks makes an appearance on two different shows is a good week for TV. (Even if one of those shows is damn American Idol.)

MINUS

- People who want Patrick Roy as coach = People who still buy Chris Brown albums.

- Carey Price suffering a concussion is exactly the kind of misfortune that was missing from this season. Thanks, terrible season! You're so full of surprises.

- It took Ryan White coming down with the flu for Blake Geoffrion to hit the ice again. What's the use in benching a young player for like a million consecutive games, when some ice time would do him good in either the NHL or the AHL?

- Who told Christina Aguilera it would be a good idea for a pop star to arrange a cover of “Satisfaction” for a country duo and a rapper? She acts like she reinvented the wheel. All she did was take the audience wildly off course and end up nowhere. (I am, however, very proud of her for putting some clothes on for this week’s episode of The Voice.)

I have no idea how to feel yet about the Gabriel Dumont callup other than excited. So I guess that's a Plus?

Plus/Minus has ESPN or something

Last week, I had this urge to find tickets to Friday's Habs-Sens game and go with the guys I work with who are Ottawa fans. (It's because they're from Ottawa.) They didn't want to go, so I didn't look for tickets. Then the Habs basically ended the game in the first period. I guess we're all psychic?

PLUS

+ Erik Cole hat trick!
+ Ryan White has been playing with even more attitude than usual lately. If he doesn't get picked up for next season soon, I may need therapy.

+ Nice pun, Canadiens website.
+ Thanks, NFL, for your quarterback circle of life. It was very entertaining. Welcome to the Jets, Tim Tebow.
+ To the Miami Heat players who have been brave enough to speak out about the unjust death of Trayvon Martin. I love it when athletes stand up for what they believe is right.
+ If you haven't been listening to The Kaufman Show on TSN 990, you missed a great, honest, candid interview with Patrick Burke about the You Can Play project. I can't wait to see the new PSA's they've got coming up.
EDIT: + J.T. Wyman - yes, that one - scored a game-winning goal tonight.

MINUS
- Habs, you have to stop getting shut out by Buffalo. It hurts me more than it hurts you.
- So, they're building that new arena in Quebec City, and I believe the government is pitching in, and no one's protesting. Damn it, people, you protest against everything else. But the provincial government spending money on something that private investors would gladly put their money into? No? Cool story, bro.
- To every person who has made a "Sedin sisters" comment recently. (Can't call them jokes, because they're not funny.) I wish I could scream some sense into you, but unfortunately all I can do is give you this lousy minus.

The season might be winding down, but there's plenty of time for more hat tricks!!

Plus/Minus: Expect the unexpected (in the form of a high-five)

Andrei Markov was on the ice. Lars Eller got into fighting words with Erik Karlsson? Ryan White celebrated a birthday. Brian Gionta had some St. Patrick's Day fun. Proof that it can be a good week even if your hockey team loses.

PLUS

+ Congratulations on 1000 NHL games to always-our-captain Saku Koivu.
+ Josh Gorges has blocked over 200 shots this season. Holy crap. If Pacioretty is Wolverine, which superhero is Gorges? (Someone with X-Men knowledge, help me out here?)

+ Erik Cole high-fiving a ref is the kind of stuff that Plus/Minus was made for. But everyone was way too excited about it happening to notice how hilariously nonchalant he was about the whole thing. It's all in the execution.
+ Congratulations on your first NHL goal, Paloosh!
+ So, Randy Cunneyworth is not René Bourque's biggest fan. Giving him a vote of confidence by putting him in a shootout? I'm not used to this. Are coaches people too?
+2 Congratulations to the Montreal Impact on scoring their first goal as a Major League Soccer team, for scoring record attendance for a soccer game in Canada, and to the female commentator on RDS who gets to cover one of the biggest Montreal sports moments in recent years.
+ Will Arnett's character on Up All Night said "I made a huge mistake." It made me so happy.

MINUS

- Markov took a puck to the face. Please, no more. No more injuries. We can't handle it!
- I appreciate that my team is trying to give me as much free hockey as possible before the season ends, but all this overtime is stressing me out.

EDIT: A Plus for the news that Jean Béliveau's health is improving after his stroke.
A Minus to those new Black Ice jerseys - they look like what a Pitbull remix sounds like.

There's less than a month left in the season. These coming weeks are going to feel like Mardi Gras: I'm going to watch as much Habs hockey as I can before there isn't any more.

Plus/Minus returns from a monthlong hiatus

Sorry, readers. Somehow a month has passed since the last Plus/Minus. Blame Jeremy Lin, or the Hal Gill trade, or my inexplicably exhausting professional life. (I probably shouldn't tell you this, but I'm an international superspy. You're welcome.) How to even Plus or Minus a month's worth of things?

PLUS

+ It feels good to say that Max Pacioretty has a 30-goal season. He's playing to the potential we always knew he had, and he's showing an incredible amount of class. We couldn't be prouder of him.

+ to Blake Geoffrion, so bashful and yet so proud to be playing for the storied Montreal Canadiens. And scoring his first goal as a Hab!
+ Glad to have Markov back.

+ 3 High school hockey player Jack Jablonski is making incredible progress after a life-threatening injury. And another Plus to the hockey community for supporting him. And an extra big Plus to his team for winning the Minnesota state championship.

+ The Columbus Blue Jackets might just treat their fans better than any other team in the NHL. They have fun with social media and their "Get a Johnson nameplate for your Carter jersey" promotion was hysterical.

+ I'll never understand why, in 2012, we live in a world that needs to be reminded of things like gay rights, but I'll support any campaign that I need to in order to make this world a better place. The You Can Play project is basically perfect. It's honest, inspiring, perfectly executed, and not even a little bit fake or saccharine. It's everything that "Hockey Is For Everyone" should be. Take note, NHL.

+ Proof that things do get better: I loved the series over at Puck Buddys about a high school hockey player who made the brave decision to come out not only to his friends and teammates, but to his entire school. He - and his teammates - could just set the precedent for other gay teens to have the strength to do the same.

+ I guess "Linsanity" has died down a little, either because all of the puns have been made, or because people are expecting him to be even more superhuman than he's already been. That being said: JEREMY LIN! So good at basketball! Such a sweet guy! So nerdy!

+ I'm not cheating on hockey with basketball, I swear, it's just that NBA All Star weekend is one of my favourite sporting events of the entire year, and this year, jumping over people was the big trend at the slam dunk competition. One of those people was Diddy. So, yeah, it was pretty cool.
+ I don't know why I found it so funny that Lindsay Lohan played herself in a "Scared Straight" sketch on SNL, and used "Sidney Crosby" as an insult. But I laughed.

MINUS

- Someone needs to fix Jonathan Toews' concussion right now.

- Habs fans are never happy. They complain that so many players on this team are so terrible, and then are disappointed that almost nothing happened at the trade deadline. We can't be sellers if no one's buying.

- The "Canucks fans" who defaced the outside of Milan Lucic's church need to be found and punished. Or, if no one finds them, whatever, I'll just get on my high horse right now and tell them they're going to Hell.

- ugh, Los Angeles, why would you reunite Carter and Richards in a city with more excess than Philadelphia? Stop trying to be the Flyers. Just be yourself. It's all that you can do.

- When Sports Illustrated comes in the mail every week, I usually have to cross my fingers and hope that its pages will hold more than three sentences' worth of hockey coverage. It should come as no surprise that they foolishly think "puck bunnies" is a term used to describe all female hockey fans. What would they call male fans of women's tennis? Just wondering.

Other bloggers have written great pieces on the Sports Illustrated "puck bunny" mess. There might not be anything else left to say about it. But reading their pieces has made me want to write more often than just once a month.

Also, if you haven't heard the news, Czechtacular has started a side project called Seven Thousand Volts. Go to it!

Plus/Minus accurately describes the Habs this week

They're up and they're down, they're boring sometimes and thrilling at other times. If there's one thing I know for sure about this year's Montreal Canadiens, it's that they'll always do something unexpected.

PLUS

+ Madonna's halftime show had everything: gladiators, a She-Ra headdress, Nicki Minaj, millions of backup dancers, LMFAO, gospel choirs, marching bands, Cee-Lo Green, and her classic Like A Prayer dance moves. Oh, and a shoutout to Ron Artest ("World Peace"). What more could I have asked for? A Patriots loss? I got that too!

+ Kelly Clarkson's fantastic American national anthem proves that all you have to do to be great, is be great. No vocal runs, no fancy earrings. Just talent.
+ A Plus to Lewis Alderman, the kid who helped Michel Lacroix with player introductions at the Bell Centre this weekend. Usually kids just sound like kids, but he was great!
+ On Sunday morning, I said that the Canadiens need to support Carey Price with some goals. And they obliged.
+ Ryan White scored two goals in the first ten minutes of today's Hamilton Bulldogs game. This would have just been a Plus celebrating his return to the ice, but two goals in ten minutes proves just how happy I am to have him back.
+ Some people wouldn't call this a slam dunk. I'm too busy staring in awe to care about what it's called:


MINUS

- Paul Gaustad is not only insensitive, but he's kind of an idiot too.
- I don't know who this Minus is directed to, exactly, but after the Gaustad incident, Aaron Ward said on the TSN panel that the only things you can't insult another player about on the ice are kids and pets. "Wives, girlfriends, sisters are all fair game." Seriously? Dogs are untouchable but women aren't? Is this a sports league or a cult?
- I'm sorry, Habs, I like you, I really do, but if you feel the same way about me, you can't blow a two-goal lead against the frigging New Jersey Devils.
- Saturday's game against the Capitals was a dismal effort by both teams. Better off forgotten.
- I'm still not a baseball fan, but I'd like to express my anger towards everyone who's tried to turn me into one, because they never told me about this crazy A-Rod centaur rumour.

This week is going to be a busy one, with midseason TV schedules swelling and another edition of Hockey Day In Canada. I'll have to try and keep up.

I didn't recognize Plus/Minus behind those Clark Kent glasses

I seem to have an awful lot to say, considering that the Canadiens only played one game this week.

PLUS

+ Everything about that Red Wings game was fantastic. This isn't just a Plus, it's a Plus four thousand.
+ Carey Price was one of the best things about All-Star weekend, from his reaction to being drafted by a Bruin and a Leaf to his silliness during the skills competition.
+ To the inevitable jokes happening in the Florida Panthers' locker room this week, after poor Brian Campbell's accidental indecent exposure became the talk of the Internet.

+ I didn't want to, but I'll admit it: Scott Hartnell is a mensch and a joy to watch in the All-Star Game.
+ A toast to the NHL's apparent newest player rivalry, Patrick Kane vs. Jordan Eberle - look at the angry stare on Kane's face here:



+ I have made my share of LeBron James jokes in the last year or so, but there can be no jokes when it comes to moves like these:

+ Congratulations to Melissa McCarthy (Sookie!) on getting an Oscar nomination for her fearless, hysterical performance in Bridesmaids.

MINUS

- Poor players get named to the All-Star Game, then are given free hats but the hats are fug. Most of us know that Steven Stamkos plays for the Lightning. There was no need to give him a hat that says TAMPABAYLIGHTNING on it in letters so large that you can only see half the team name at a time.
- To everyone who tried to make a news story out of Carey Price not shaking Zdeno Chara's hand: concentrate on more important things, like the possibility of a Patrick Kane-Jordan Eberle rivalry.
- If I understood the story correctly, the doctors treating Sidney Crosby misdiagnosed him, and this is the first we hear of him having fractured vertebrae. If that's the case, then the doctors who treat Penguins players have got to be some of the most inept people on Earth.


- I'm sorry, but as much as I may love The Office, I'm not jazzed about this announcement of a Dwight Schrute spin-off. No. Let The Office end the way it needs to end, and then leave it be, unless this new show is either all about Cousin Mose. Or, if it is a Dwight spin-off, it should be some ridiculously nerdy high-concept series starring Dwight and his BBC counterpart Gareth.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to decide whether I'm Team Kane or Team Eberle.