Plus/Minus is ready for Christmas break

The Habs, man. Like, what even? Seriously? I can't with them. They render me incapable of expressing myself in anything other than Internet platitudes. So let's just try and Plus/Minus the last couple of weeks while we get ready for the holidays:

PLUS
+ The Charlie Coyle moment that everyone loved, and reminded me why I love hockey:

+ Excellent work, Alex Galchenyuk.
+ 2 Max Pacioretty, not only for scoring, but also for bringing back his sword goal celly. Oddly appropriate for our very own Black Knight.
+ Beyoncé releasing a surprise album warrants a Plus all its own. Always Beyoncé.

MINUS

- I'm not sure if Gorges and Gally look more like lumberjacks or truck drivers or both. Share your suggestions in the comments.
- But, like, Daniel Briere, do you play hockey?
- I hate to see Josh Harding on IR, and I wish him the best. He's a hell of a player and I hope he gets to play a whole lot more.
- Thing that actually happened: Tyler Bozak referring to "We Can't Stop" - the Miley Cyrus song about the saddest drug addict party ever - as "upbeat" and fun to listen to after a win. This is why people hate Toronto.
- I remember a variety show I was in in fifth grade, one girl thought it would be funny to play a "sign language interpreter" and just flail all over the place. It wasn't funny then, and it isn't funny now.

Get some rest, Habs, and have some eggnog or something while you all make fun of Toronto and their Miley Cyrus song.

Licensed to Ilya

So Ilya Kovalchuk is on his way to becoming a small-scale LeBron James type of guy. He's taking an awful long time to decide what team he's playing for next season, and he's not getting any more popular, and he's certainly not getting any richer by shopping himself around all this time and playing hard to get. Come on, Ilya, if there's anything to be learned from the LeBacle it's that you can't be the top free agent forever. And if you're even thinking about booking a primetime TV special to announce where you're going next season... please, PLEASE let me produce it.

I'm serious. It'll be my contribution to society. I'm even preparing pitches!

The makeover show! Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Only a girl would come up with an idea like a makeover show." First, you're an idiot and I hate you (but thanks for reading my blog; there's hope for you yet). Second, it's completely warranted. Kovalchuk's got terrible hair, and if he wants to be the most talked-about player in the NHL, he should at least try to look like he doesn't get his hair cut by his mommy. If he goes to LA, he'll need to know what looks good on him before he goes to all those fantastic shops. If he stays in New Jersey, a new look will be one less thing for Sean Avery to use as cannon fodder.
We could start by getting rid of or framing all the jerseys and equipment that he won't need anymore (anybody want a game-worn Thrashers jersey? Don't all say yes at once). Then Ilya could take us through his wardrobe, talking about what he likes to wear. Then we could bring in some teammates to make fun of him. Then he gets some advice from Stacy and Clinton types, and goes shopping.
The big news: The new team reveal could happen in some creative way, like his new coach and GM jump out from behind a mirror, or he shows off a new suit then opens the shirt up to reveal a logo, Superman-style.

The variety hour! I'm sorry, LeBron, but getting an old white guy to ask you questions is not how to fill an hour of television when you're the most exciting athlete in your league. You have to DO something. Anything. Sing us a song, juggle some fire, put on a show, I don't care how. You hosted SNL, LeBron! You should have known better! Ilya's Decision One Hour Variety Spectacular will be so much better. Any non-hockey skills that Ilya may have will be put to good use here. Let's call up all his friends and make some unintentional comedy. Or intentional comedy, if we've got a few more Ryan Getzlafs in the league. (Now that he's proven he can be a bit funny, you have to admit he's quite aptly named.) Or call up Ilya's favourite singers and get them to perform on the show.
The big news: I'm not sure exactly how Ilya's choice of team will be announced, but I'm pretty sure I want it to somehow involve Laugh-In style doors.

The great debate! LeBron James called his TV hour "The Decision." Many elections in the US are referred to as "Decision (Insert Year Here)." Thus, the link between televised athletic ego-trips and political campaigns is undeniable. Let's have a debate! Just not a boring one. And since sports fans love watching people argue (see: 50% of what's on sports TV) it's a match made in heaven. The debate will have two moderators: Ilya Kovalchuk and Mike Milbury, just to keep things loud, interesting, and slightly boorish, just like all sports programming televised debates should be.
Round 1: The GMs still in the race debate and answer moderators' questions.
Round 2: Fans from each hopeful team make their cases, then beg Ilya to play for their team, then trash-talk the other teams.
Round 3: Free-for-all. No weapons, please.
The big news: For the sake of making it all TV-interesting, the great debate will take a page out of reality TV's handbook and make the GM and fans of each team huddle together all nervously, fingers crossed, under spotlights, as one by one they are eliminated from the race. It can be split into two segments by a commercial break if the network wants. Oh, who am I kidding, there'll definitely be tons of commercials.

The alternate universe! Lost has done it. Fringe has done it. Hell, even It's AWonderful Life has done it. Let's answer all our Ilya-related "what if"s by taking us into each potential city next season and finding out what might happen if Kovalchuk signs there. Each act will show us an alternate reality wherein Kovalchuk (played by Keanu Reeves, of course) is playing in what we're speculating will be the city of his choice. We'll also get to see a segment chronicling what might have happened if he'd never been traded to New Jersey. Oh, and the very last alternate universe we see before The Decision will be one in which we see what our lives could have been like if he weren't forced to wait all this time just for news about one hockey player.*
The big news: Should be revealed in the most Lost-y way possible because... oh, you know what? I don't really care. As producer I should know that Ilya and hockey aren't the star of this show anymore. As long as the big announcement (which will happen in our real universe, don't you worry) elicits a "whoa" from Keanu, the hour will be worth your time.

My guess, however, is that this TV special will either suck, or won't happen at all. But I wouldn't be surprised if we're stuck waiting for a decision for so long that I would have had time to plan, cast, build sets, and sell ad time for any of these shows.

Oh, and rest of the NHL? You can't call Kovalchuk "Kovy." That's Alex Kovalev's nickname. You can't double up on nicknames! Yes, I know there were two boxers called "Sugar" Ray but this is different.



* I have suddenly been reminded that we need to lock Carey Price down.

Plus/Minus: about a team that's got more energy than I do

This Plus/Minus is a little bit late and a little bit low-fi, and you readers deserve much better than that, but LA happened, then Continental Airlines happened with their red-eye flights and insanely boring inflight movie that bored me nearly to the point of sleep (but not quite, unfortunately), then jetlag happened, then sleep-deprived 18-hour days including work and workouts happened, then daylight savings time happened, costing me more sleep, and now I'm quite sure I have a cold.
So be forewarned, there are no colours, and I haven't proofread. It's like improv! Unscripted! Like Twitter, only longer!
... Nope, there's no way to make it sound fun. Please don't hate me.


PLUS

I had no choice but to yoink this from Habs I/O, as it's just the cutest thing ever aside from kittens

+ 6: Habs winning = happy Montreal.

+ to the gentleman who coined "KilimanJaro": my favourite pun right now.

+ to the Bell Centre DJ's sense of humour: playing the Tragically Hip's "Courage" as injured Tomas Plekanec made his way off the ice during the Tampa game... somehow, the lyrics "It couldn't come at a worse time" seemed to fit pretty well.

+ Andrei Markov, in general.

+ For the next week or so, I say we call #31 "Big Haircut." I'm so happy I could cry.

+ Kathryn Bigelow has finally proven, once and for all, that ladies can play with the big boys. And that's what this blog is about: reminding people that girls kick ass. (Also, hockey.) So suck it, James Cameron. (I'm putting a minus within this plus for Alec Baldwin, who I'm a huge fan of, but if he really for some reason felt the need to congratulate Kathryn Bigelow by smacking her ass, he could've at least waited until the telecast ended.)

MINUS

- I usually hate people who whine after a player gets traded, but there aren't as many people lamenting Matt D'Agostini as there should be, so here's my two cents: I'm going to miss 36 because his trade (to the Blues, no less, one of the more forgettable teams in the league, no?) marks another step in the dissolution of a boys club that I happened to love. Dags, Kyle Chipchura, Greg Stewart, and Carey Price won the Calder Cup together and brought some much-needed rookie energy to the Habs last season and the year before. They were all good friends off the ice, and the fact that they're the same age as me made them seem relatable, I guess kind of like the way that francophones like seeing Habs that are quebecois pure laine. They were a little group that I could root for within my favourite team, and while I don't like it when teams are broken up into cliques that eventually lead to conflicts, it was kind of nice to have a little core of guys that I could relate to, that would've been at my elementary school if we were all born in the same city. But now that little group is gone, leaving only Carey. Don't get me wrong, both he and I love the players that are on the Habs' roster right now, but it's not quite the same as it used to be for me. (Not to mention that people complained about D'Agostini's productivity this season, somehow forgetting that he was gone for over a month and suffered a pretty serious concussion... everyone remembers that Andrei Kostitsyn wasn't so dynamite after his head injury last season, and everyone knows how he's doing now, a year later. So if D'Agostini happens to tear it up next season in St. Louis, I'll hate to say I told you so.)

- Did Maxim Lapierre really deserve a four-game suspension for his hit? It warranted punishment, definitely, but four games seems like an awful lot when compared to other nasty hits and their accompanying sanctions. Looking at you, Aaron Ward. And you, Mike Richards, who almost killed a dude (but I guess a lifetime of playing for the Flyers is punishment enough). Sure, Ovechkin got punished for a hit that turned out to be a lot more damaging than he meant to, but it's just further proof that

- To the wonderfully classy and intelligent gentlemen who showed up to the Oilers game in blackface and Afro wigs, with "Subbanator" written on their jerseys. Words cannot describe their stupidity, and I'm glad I'm not the only person who thinks they need to wear blackface a little more often so than passersby can throw eggs and other objects at them. (Props to Mike Boone for this gem: "Either bar those schmucks from the building or rename it the Jolson Centre.")

- What's with that suit jacket, Mike Cammalleri?

Roar.

"Jordan Leopold" sounds like a turn-of-the-century poet's name. That kind of guy would never want to crush Mike Cammalleri. Thus, Jordan Leopold, you fail. (photo yoinked from Habs Inside Out)

Okay, so I'm not scared that our team is out of the playoffs just yet. Honestly, since when did so much negativity get anyone anywhere? (Right. It's how a fraction of sports journalists make their money. If I was willing to write "WTF? No more playoffs, ever" in this blog every day I'd probably be driving an Escalade everywhere instead of taking the metro.)

Tonight's loss against the Panthers was a stupid unlucky one; the kind of loss that hurts mostly because the other team didn't deserve to win. (Sorry, Shawn Matthias. You had a good game and all, but even you admitted that you scored a "garbage goal.")
It was an uncharacteristically inconsistent game for Andrei Markov, which hurts to admit, but we saw a great goal by Plekanec and a decent shot on goal by O'Byrne. So no, I haven't given up on this team just yet after a one-game losing streak.

More Habs tomorrow, this time against the Lightning, so get ready for a Lecavalier lovefest. (And maybe, just maybe a St. Louis lovefest if there's time. Steven Stamkos must love RDS because they don't hound him as much as anglo Canadians do.)

By the way, did anyone watching the game on RDS notice that Pierre Houde and Benoit Brunet wore matching outfits?

HIHW gets some answers

There have been a few questions plaguing us lately, mostly involving the meaning of life, the popularity of Lady Gaga and what on earth we have to do to permanently repair whatever's wrong with Georges Laraque. We don't have the answers to any of those questions, but don't worry, if we ever figure something out, you'll be the first to know.
I did recently get my Veronica Mars on, to answer another one of life's burning queries: What's the deal with "Roster players currently unavailable?"

Technical difficulties prevent me from photoshopping Miss Mars into a tricolore jersey

You know the message if you've tried to make yourself something at the recently launched NHL Custom Shop. You pick out a shirt, a colour, a size, a logo for the front, and you get all excited about the idea of a custom T-shirt that only you (and people your size have). You type in a "Moen 32" or a "Kesler 17" or what have you, only to be told that yes, indeed, Roster players are currently unavailable.
So much for customization.

I decided to get to the bottom of this, and here's the very prompt answer I got, courtesy of the NHL shop's customer service department:

"There are certain rule and regulations that www.SHOP.NHL.com must follow according the National Hockey League. Some players have signed contracts that allow their names to be put on jerseys, and some have not. We do not have a way of knowing which ones have and have not, accept for the drop down menu that allows you to pick the players names. We apologize for any inconvenience."


(I copied it word-for-word... that's not my grammar.)
So there you have it. It's the lawyers' fault again. What, they couldn't take an extra three minutes to write an extra clause into their client's contract?
I also have yet to find this drop-down menu, unless they mean the one in the "Player Apparel" section of the store.


The good news in all this? Current roster players seem to be the only thing currently unavailable. So you're in luck if you happen to like anyone who doesn't currently lace up for the Canadiens. (hint, hint.)


Hope this helps... it's the least I can do. The Habs are expected to make their yearly visit to children's hospitals at some point soon, and I was going to get you some first-person accounts from staff members, but that's looking about as possible as me getting a puck past Ryan Miller. (I'm still angry, Ryan Miller. Don't think you got off easy just because I didn't talk about the last Buffalo game.)

Halloween fun: because there's nothing that scary about a maple leaf, honestly.

What's scarier than getting frozen by the Penguins during a game where at least a few fans were hoping that Hal Gill would pull a Mike Komisarek? Halloween night.

(Yes, I changed the subject, because I just don't want to think about last night's final score.)

So, some of you get to dress up and trick or treat (you know, if you're young enough, which I wish I was), others get to party, but this Halloween there's one thing we're looking forward to: a Habs-Leafs rematch which is expected, as usual, to be a thriller. (Yes, I just said "Thriller" in a Halloween post. No, I'm not ashamed. Yes, I would probably have made that joke before the unfortunate passing of Mr. Jackson.) At first I thought that maybe this game was the reason why Mike Komisarek signed with Toronto: let's face it, there's nothing more scary/funny than a Hab dressed up as a Leaf. I figured maybe on November 1st, Komo would rip off that blue-and-white monstrosity, revealing a bleu-blanc-rouge and cackling "haHA! Gotcha, bitches! I'm back!" (I have since abandoned that idea.)

But that doesn't mean that a Habs fan can't have a little Halloween fun. You can wear your Canadiens shirt and watch the game, but add a few accessories and it's (almost kind of) a costume you can wear while watching the game. 

"I got Lapierre."

So, whose name have you got on the back of your shirt?

Scott Gomez? Stuff your pockets with money and throw on a warm scarf and a sombrero (or a lucha libre mask, if you prefer) in honour of everyone's favourite rich Mexican-Alaskan.

Carey Price? A cowboy hat. But as I've learned during my Halloween shopping this year, they were easier to find at the beginning of the month. You might luck out at a hidden-away Dollarama.

Or, whether you've got a Price or a Halak shirt, you could run to a sports store and get an old-school, Jason Voorhees kind of goalie mask.

Tomas Plekanec? A turtleneck under your jersey, and a cupcake with a candle in it. October 31st is your birthday, and nothing else!

Georges Laraque? (If you bought a Laraque jersey, between last season's injuries and this season's apparent scandals, I would get... my money back, but that's just a thought.) If you happen to be a dog owner, guess who's coming to the party? You should also carry around a celery stick, so you look just vegan enough without the Bugs Bunny comparisons that a carrot would surely bring.

Guillaume Latendresse? Keep some snacks in your pocket. (And no, I'm not judging. There's at least three snacks in my purse right now. Maybe four, if I didn't eat that apple.)

Brian Gionta? Supernatural abilities. Okay, I don't know how to put that into an accessory.

Andrei Markov? Wrap some bandages around your ankle, and carry around Kleenex in case the people around you burst into tears.

Hal Gill? A slightly tacky Stanley Cup ring and stilts. Be ready to hide in case the people around you are angry about the Pittsburgh game.

Andrei Kostitsyn? Make sure any siblings you have are not in attendance.

Do you want to pull your "outdated" Habs shirt or jersey out of mothballs?

If you're wearing a player who was recently let go, just carry around a plane ticket and a drink with one of those little umbrellas in it. Anyplace where you have the slightest chance of walking down the street without getting stopped for an autograph probably seems like a vacation compared to Montreal.

Oh, but if you want to wear your old Komisarek shirt, this is probably your last chance, so get some devil horns and one of those plastic retractable knives to stab any current Habs in the back with.

Happy Halloween, everyone. you've got two days to finish up your accessories and hope that the Canadiens scare Chicago and exorcise the Leafs from the Bell Centre.

(and P.S. no, these pictures aren't mine, copyright bla bla)