End of the MOnth

Movember has come to a close, and we've got another year of fundraising, talking, and mustache-growing behind us. I'm a little sad to see it go, so I'm using hockey pictures as a coping mechanism. (Most of these pictures were yoinked from the official Canadiens site, because they have the best mustache photographers around.)

Thank you, Daniel Briere, for expressing just how I feel now that Movember is over.

Thank you, Brendan Gallagher, for growing a mustache that makes you look like a cartoon French guy. I'll have your striped shirt, beret, accordion, and baguette ready for next Movember. (For full effect, watch the gifs below on a loop while listening to, I don't know, Flight of the Conchords' "Foux du Fafa" or the French chef's song from The Little Mermaid.)

Thank you, Alexei Emelin, for looking a little bit like Zorro, and reminding us all to be heroes this month.

Thank you, David Desharnais, for looking like a tough guy with that mustache. Hockey fights cancer, indeed.

Thank you, Francis Bouillon, for growing a mustache again, because it still kind of makes you look like you could be in a mariachi band. You also made me feel better about escaping to Mexico for a week this Movember, mostly because I learned the Spanish word for mustache. 

Thank you, Max Pacioretty, for representing what most guys who grew mustaches strived to look like: the perfect middle ground between "stepped out of a vintage photograph" and "still looks good."

Thank you, George Parros, for being in good enough shape to return to the game by Movember. And for only needing about three days to grow a full mustache. And, most of all, for setting such a great example for all Mo Bros and Mo Team Captains.

And, most importantly of all: Thank you to everyone who supported me again this year. Every retweet, every donation, every minute spent and every encouraging word put a smile on my face. You were such a huge help to me, even though I wasn't around for the entire month. I didn't even tell everyone what my fundraising goal was ($400) but you helped me surpass it. At times I felt like my enthusiasm probably started grating on you, but you were there for me nonetheless, and this is a great cause, so it means a lot. I tried to change things up this year and be creative and I was met with so much positivity. It made me feel really good about what I was doing.  

Vacations and fundraising

There are tons of things I should be doing. But I'm writing instead.

I really should be packing for my upcoming vacation, and maybe writing about how the Habs tend to lose when I'm out of town. (I think that this season may be a reversal of fortune, because they've lost every game I've seen at the Bell Centre. Sigh.)

Instead, I find myself feeling kind of guilty that I'm going on vacation now. Right smack in the middle of Movember, when I should be at work, encouraging my Mo Bros to raise more money and telling them that their mustaches are growing in nicely. I braved the first few days of awkward co-worker Sidney Crosby mustaches, and now I'm going to miss a week of Movember glory! It also means that I can't constantly bug my friends, family, and followers for donations, and spout random bits of health trivia at them whenever I want. But hey, if you want to make a donation while I'm on vacation*, just click on the mustache below:

Movember is as important to me as ever - it has to be, as I become more and more aware of how important it is for the men in my family to be in good health. However, I've been hit with that weird sort of guilt where I want to help everyone all the time, even though I know that I can't. Still, the damage done by Typhoon Haiyan in Asia is too devastating to ignore. So I'm doing my part. I've set up a fundraising effort in association with All Habs, and I'm hoping that friends and hockey fans alike will make a donation if they haven't already. To be perfectly honest, if you don't have that much to donate but you'd like to help one of these causes, I think I prefer that you donate to the typhoon relief effort. Cancer and mental illness are scary, but those who have lost their homes and families need help as soon as possible.

No professional association with this charity.
I chose it after doing some research and thought they were already doing good work
in areas affected by the typhoon.

If you're able to help out financially, that's great. If you can't, please spare some good thoughts or say a prayer for everyone whose lives have been affected by illness or natural disasters. I might be away from my computer, but I'll be hoping that these causes get the help they need.

Okay and yes, I'll be hoping that the Canadiens go on an awesome winning streak. Mo Habs Mo!

Probably much, much fancier than my accommodations.

*hey, that rhymed!

The Right Way To Mo

Last year, I came down pretty hard on people who didn't want to participate in Movember. This year, I'll try to be nicer.

Gentlemen, if you're on the fence about spending a month growing hair on your upper lip, I have some advice for you: wear your mustache like you wear your team's jersey on a gameday. Have confidence. Do you think that George Parros would rock his mustache if he didn't know how to make it the most glorious mustache on Earth?

Glorious.

Make it work. Don't act like you immediately know you'll look awkward or pervy, and don't think that your mustache can't be controlled. You grew it, and you can keep it in line. Don't be that guy.

You may be asking, "Which guy, exactly?" So I'll tell you. Names have been changed to protect the innocent, so let's just call this guy I know Bart Simpson. Bart participated in Movember a couple of times and hated it, mostly because he was in it solely for the mustache-growing - but his mustache didn't look good. I wouldn't tell him to his face, because that would be rude, but he just didn't know how to have a mustache on his face, and now he doesn't want to take part in this popular men's health initiative. If you ask me, he has no one to blame but himself. All he had to do was make sure that the clothes and hairstyles he wore while he had a mustache didn't make him look a caricature of a poet in the 90's.

I'm not kidding.

Anyway, here are a few things you may want to avoid, as evidenced by my hand-drawn mustaches:

This might be a little bit much.

If you still look like you might be twelve years old, don't try anything that looks too ridiculous. Or anything that looks like a milk mustache.

If you're Lucius Malfoy, stop growing a mustache and also maybe stop being terrible?

Man-bangs and mustaches do not mix, unless you're a Beatle. Which you're probably not. You are, however, welcome to invest in some Sgt. Pepper outfits and give it a real good try.

Do not wear a turtleneck and chain if you have a mustache. There are no exceptions to this.

Keep your mustache in check. Don't let your ego write checks your body can't cash. Yes, I did just steal that from Top Gun, because it's what Pierre McGuire would do. Don't be Pierre McGuire.

So, men of Movember, do whatever you have to. Just be proud of your mustache and all the good work you're doing.

Plus/Minus needs more gravy

Plus/Minus is back! And I, for one, am thankful that I can bring back one of HIHW's oldest features. It was on IR for far too long, and we've got tons of hockey and TV stuff to talk about. Shall we?

PLUS

+ That goal by Alex Galchenyuk. That. Goal.
+ The outpouring of support for George Parros after his injury was inspiring. Hockey people can be good people, sometimes.
+ Lars Eller and P.K. Subban are picking up points so easily, they almost make me think I can play hockey. (Me, with my clumsy limbs and my complete lack of athleticism.)
+ Joe Thornton had the quote of the year and it's barely even the year yet.
+ Sleepy Hollow might be my favourite new show of the season. It's got a talented, diverse cast, and it's  so scary but I can't help but watch it.
+ Thank you, Fox, for picking up John Mulaney's series after NBC decided not to go ahead with it!

MINUS

- Guillaume Latendresse isn't even playing in North America, and the Journal de Montréal is still writing cover features about him? Let it go, already. As interested as I am in the life of a North American player in Europe, I've had my fill of stories about Latendresse.
- Daniel Briere, you have one point. ONE. POINT. Are you just biding your time? Because I think most of us would prefer it if you just scored goals and such.
- ABC could have had a major hit in Super Fun Night. But a show that doesn't live up to its potential in addition to being mishandled by its network is just an unfortunate recipe for disaster.
- Once Upon A Time In Wonderland should be my favourite new show of the season. Unfortunately, the pilot was disappointing. The CGI wasn't convincing, there was too much of it, and most of the leads  just aren't engaging enough. I still like the concept, though, so with any luck it'll grow on me, just like Once Upon A Time did.
- This is way late, but a Minus to whoever it was that cancelled Go On. I can't even bring myself to watch Sean Saves The World, and I firmly believe that Go On would've been a great companion to The Michael J. Fox Show. And it has (almost) nothing to do with the fact that both series star good, hockey-loving Canadians.

With any luck, I'll be able to make Plus/Minus a regular feature again this season. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Have an extra scoop of mashed potatoes for me.

MOving on

The end of Movember is always a little bit disappointing. It reminds me of the first summer that I worked at the Just for Laughs festival - I spent a few days (in a uniform that was decidedly too big for me) greeting festivalgoers and supervising the grounds. I got to watch people laugh. And then the festival was over, and the only thing left to supervise was the demolition of the children's play park. Watching a crane take down a giant dinosaur statue built out of Lego blocks would have been awesome if it weren't so sad.

This was the first year that I raised money for the cause. I'd spent two years donating to the Mo Bros in my life and helping out in whatever way I could, but this year I decided to put other people's money where my mouth is. (That doesn't sound right, does it?) It took up a bit of my time, and maybe I made myself sick by worrying so much about my office bake sale. I wouldn't take back a minute of it, though.

I feel very grateful for all of the support I've received and all of the people who've helped me. Some of you made a donation even though you have rent and insurance and tons of other expenses. Some of you have been really lucky lately, and you've decided to put some of that back into the world by helping me out. Some of you sport fine moustaches year-round. Some of you helped me even though you were quite busy with your own Movember campaign. And some of you are actors much more famous than me and much friendlier than other people in your craft.

I look forward to not bugging everyone I know for donations and maybe relaxing eventually. I do not look forward to a steep decline in the number of mustaches I see. I will, however, keep reminding the men in my life to take care of themselves and remember that their health is important.

Thank you, everyone, for helping me (and millions of other Mo Bros and Sistas) make a difference.

You Can Mo Your Own Way

(Sorry about the pun. But I had to.)

So, it's the most wonderful time of the year, if you love mustaches. I happen to love Movember, because mustaches entertain me, and because I like seeing people show their dedication to a good cause.

Which is why it disappointed me that so many of the men I work with didn't want to join our office Movember team. (Luckily, all of the guys in my department stepped up. Every other department has a lot to answer for - looking at you, Tech Ops!)

Here are the top two excuses I heard from mustache dodgers:

"I can't/don't want to grow a mustache." I'd venture that three-quarters of guys who say they can't grow a mustache haven't even given it a good try. They're just lazy, or too vain to run the risk of actually having a crappy Sidney Crosby mustache. Hey, guys? It's November. You're growing a mustache. Movember has been popular (especially in Canada) for a few years now. By this point, most people will know why those errant hairs are on your face. It's not like you'll be the only guy who looks creepy for no reason. Quit being such a whiner.
As for the guys who don't want to grow a mustache? See above. People will know that you're growing a mustache for a good cause. They won't just think that you're Chandler Bing, trying to be Tom Selleck.

Movember supports really important initiatives, namely men's health awareness, prostate cancer, and mental health. So, not wanting to spend four little weeks growing a mustache for a really good cause? That's pretty weak. My co-worker Mike doesn't grow a mustache for 11 months out of the year, but has grown one every Movember for as long as I've known him. His first child was born in November two years ago, and he couldn't be prouder of the photograph where he's rocking his Movember mustache while holding his newborn daughter. Carey Price doesn't like growing a mustache (despite the fact that a well-groomed 'stache makes him look like an old-timey movie star), but he does it in November. He did it last year and the year before with his teammates, which was great publicity for the cause, and he's doing it again this year, even though he's not on TV every three days and constantly talking to the press. He believes in the cause more than he hates having hair on his upper lip. Because he is a man. (So, if you're wondering why ladies love Carey more than they love you, there's your explanation.)

"My significant other doesn't want me to grow a mustache." I'm going to break this excuse down into two scenarios: Either you're lying, or your lady (or man, although in my experience the complaints have come from ladies) is awful.
If you're lying: Well, at least you probably will never be diagnosed with testicular cancer, because clearly you need to grow a pair. You're even worse than the whiny guys who tell me they don't want to grow mustaches, because you can't even take responsibility for your own cowardice. Don't blame the lady in your life for something you don't want to do.

If you're a significant other who doesn't want her man to participate: Seriously? You don't want the man in your life to participate in a fundraiser for men's health? Do you hate him? Do you not want him to participate in something that could potentially save lives? Maybe I don't understand your dislike of mustaches because I can't relate to it. Almost all of the men on my dad's side of the family have rocked 'staches. Seriously. One of my uncles had such an awesome handlebar mustache - it curled on the ends and everything - that people used to stop him on the street to compliment him on it. Maybe that's why I love mustaches: because I love my family. So, maybe you should do the same. Put the man before the mustache. If the man in your life thought about spending a month growing a mo and raising money for charity, you should maybe consider putting aside your hatred of mustaches. I'm not usually one to give unsolicited relationship advice, but this seems like something you should compromise on. It's for men's health. So many people, male and female, have raised money to cure women's cancers. Men wear ribbons and take part in 5k runs and whatnot out of love for their wives, mothers, sisters, or friends. Why wouldn't you want your man to do Movember? Think about the men in your life that you care about - your dad, your godfather, your cousins, the bartender who remembers what you like to drink, your favourite NHL player, or the guy who buys Timbits for everyone at work - and realize that you should support this cause for their sake.

If for some reason you're not growing a mustache, or telling the man in your life that he shouldn't, I hope to God that you have a legitimate reason for it. I also hope you'll consider supporting the cause by making a donation, helping out at a fundraiser or encouraging people you care about to see a doctor regularly and make healthy choices.

Otherwise, I guess you like cancer more than you like mustaches.

The Things We Do For Max Pacioretty

Last week I spent so much time at work that all I wanted to do was spend all of my non-office hours on my couch.

Until, of course, I got a text message on Thursday from a friend asking if I was interested in volunteering at the Max Pacioretty Foundation charity poker tournament on Friday. Was I interested? She should have known the answer to that question already. I was so interested that over the next 30 hours, instead of trying to relax, sleep, and have a normal day at work, I...

Ransacked my closet and makeup case to follow the one instruction I was given: "Dress to impress." Prepared a bag for makeup and a garment bag for my "to impress" dress. Did not sleep, because I was too excited.

Became a poster child for office efficiency. Typed faster than I have ever typed before. Jumped up and down in my desk chair. Ran out of the office at 4:50-something, apologizing profusely, never looking back.

Jumped into my "to impress" dress, accessorized, lint-rolled, and make-upped as quickly as I possibly could, all the time swearing like an angry Ryan White.

Said hi to Tony Marinaro and found out that he is both the driving force behind this fundraiser and a huge celebrity in Lasalle.

Stopped breathing for a second when I realized that the two guys who walked in were Max Pacioretty and Raphael Diaz. They said hi in our general direction before being ushered off to someplace.

Welcomed a few more guests (some VIPs, some regular humans like myself.) Czechtacular stamped Chris Nilan's hand.

Some of the sports memorabilia at the silent auction.
Yes, that autographed replica Stanley Cup comes with its own NHL tablecloth.

Was asked to sell tickets for a 50/50 raffle. Somehow just naturally approached severyone from Saskatchewan transplants to mustachioed local sportscasters and convinced them to spend $10 on a raffle ticket, and somehow all of those 10s added up to $1300.

Sat down and listened to Annakin Slayd perform "MTL Stand Up" - in the presence of Max Pacioretty. You know that fuzzy feeling you get when you listen to it? It was multiplied tenfold, and I couldn't even see the stage.

Watched as a soccer team of 9 and 10 year olds (part of the night's proceeds went to fund their trip to a soccer clinic), got called into the reception hall one by one like a team walking into a championship game.

Listened to Max Pacioretty accept a warm welcome and make a speech. I'm not sure if he prepared it ahead of time because it sounded like he winged it, like he was speaking from the heart. It sounded like he appreciates us more than we love him.

Remembered that the night Pacioretty was hit by Chara, I went to the TSN 990 studios and Tony Marinaro stayed in-studio with us to help take calls and try to get news about Max's progress. Now here I was, almost a year later, in the same room as both of them. It was unreal.

Went to the gaming floor to help with buy-ins. I know nothing about poker, but I put on a lime-green pinnie that looked like it was dyed by the Joker himself, filled a hand with chips, and pretended I knew how to be a poker wench.

Planted myself next to Czechtacular when she found the best spot for poker-wenching whilst surreptitiously watching Chris Nilan's and Max Pacioretty's tables. Marveled at every facial expression Patches and Diaz made. I have no poker face.

Gasped when my friend Robyn sold chips to Patches himself.

Watched Chris Nilan win and rake in a load of chips, just like in the movies.

Those piles of chips? Property of Knuckles Nilan.

Offered Czechtacular $20 to walk up to Patches and hug him. She didn't.

Compensated for my shyness around Patches and Diaz by speaking to Randy Tieman and his mustache. (By the way, I have a great Randy Tieman story for another day.)

Called it a night after buy-ins ended and went home, thinking that if there were a few more Max Paciorettys in this world, it would be a better place.

Plus/Minus: Do the wave

I'm not quite sure what to say about a week in which Carey Price posts two shutouts but the Habs also lose to the Islanders. Life is full of surprises, I guess.

They see me trollin'...

PLUS
+ Erik Cole's trolling is hysterical.
+ Two shutouts, Carey. Unbelievable. I love my goalie so damn much.
+ Travis Moen. Goal. Again.
+ For the even rarer goals: A Plus to Paul Bissonnette for scoring his fifth career goal! And his mom was there! Probably the only time I won't be grossed out by a headline like "BizNasty scores with mom at game."
+ Drew Doughty's mustache.

+ Ironic that Glee's best episode of the season came after its worst. "Hot For Teacher" is easily one of my favourite musical numbers this season. And I don't usually do this, but I immediately downloaded the  Adele mashup.
+ I usually like my funny shows to be funny, but damn it if How I Met Your Mother isn't so damn good at the dramatic stuff.
+ The first two episodes of Once Upon A Time hadn't quite convinced me to love the show. But the third and fourth episodes most definitely have.

MINUS

He's a natural!

- For some reason, I'm not able to put Mason Raymond as a write-in vote for the All Star Game. Can someone please fix this? Voting for MayRay is an annual tradition for me.
- Jonathan Toews and Carey Price didn't make the Sexiest Man Alive shortlist? WHY I NEVER. ...Oh, wait, this isn't that kind of blog. Still, I am offended.
- I'm kind of upset that the Hamilton Bulldogs didn't win at the Bell Centre on Friday, but I'm more upset that their next game in Montreal isn't against the Marlies. It's on my hockey wishlist!
- I talked about what a mess this whole Penn State situation was last week. And now we find out that former coach (and octogenarian) Joe Paterno has been diagnosed with cancer, and without even thinking about it, popular opinion dictates that he deserves it. I don't care who the patient is, a cancer diagnosis is NEVER good news. Finding joy in someone else's misfortune because he had it coming shouldn't be popular opinion. I'm not taking anyone's side here. I'm just stating what I think is right, and you're all welcome to disagree with me if you'd like to.

- Eddy Palchak retired before I started watching hockey, and now he won't be around to tell stories about all the amazing things that the Canadiens have done. His passing is an unfortunate reminder that eventually, the Habs' golden history will be so far behind us that all we'll be left with are memories. Let's keep those memories alive, and do everything to support our team and have incredible stories of our own. Rest in peace, Eddy.


Oh, and this week Sidney Crosby is back or something, I guess.

Plus/Minus: More treats than tricks?

So I saw a little kid dressed up as Wolverine for Halloween, and for the first time in two weeks I didn't think to myself that if superheroes were real, the Habs could really use one, maybe on the third line or something.
Because holy crap, the losing streak is over. Maybe our appetites can go back to normal.

PLUS

Feels so good to see a triple low five again!

+ 3 They won! Three games!
1/2 of a + The new sets that RDS built for l'Antichambre and for panelists during away games are great. It looks like RDS actually spent money on them, and we know RDS has money. (But I took away half of this Plus because that money probably came from putting ads on the glass.)
+ Raphael Diaz jumping in front of the net and blocking a shot? Brilliant.
+ To whoever decided to end the disastrous run of Carey's pink pads. I don't think I can take credit for this, but if you think the Canadiens listened to me, I won't stop you. Carey himself told Dave Stubbs that the choice to put the pink away "came from higher up." No one seems to know exactly who he means... but you can leave your theories in the comments!

MINUS
- The Bruins fan in Boston on Thursday who repurposed this sign:

and changed the Canucks logo to a Habs one, obviously. Do these people not know that there's an H inside that C, and that sCHared isn't a word?
- They fired Perry Pearn? I know you can't start a fire without a spark, but no one in this city actually believes that Pearn was the problem.
- So, Raffi Torres dressed up as Jay-Z for Halloween and there was a picture of it on the Internet and things hit the fan. It was ugly. Some people didn't think it mattered, or immediately came to his defense, some journalists got on their high horse as if they were the only person who knows blackface is wrong, and some people jumped to the immediate conclusion that Torres is an atrocious human being. And somehow, no one came to the conclusion that he's a person who did an offensive (and probably misguided, considering he should have thought about pictures of him maybe being on the Internet) thing. One Halloween costume might not actually mean that he's a racist, just like how a person who says one smart thing is not, by default, an intelligent person. Can we please look at this as an isolated incident in his personal life, learn from it, and move on?

On another note, today being October 31st means that tomorrow is November 1st, officially marking the start of Movember, when men will grow mustaches and raise money for prostate cancer research. And yes, just like last year, there will be hockey players taking part. (You may remember last year's NHL Movember post, which was so much fun to write. You may also remember Carey Price posting hourly shutouts every day last Movember, even when he was off the ice, because his mustache was that magic.) My All Habs teammate Bailey and I are collaborating on this Tumblr page about hockey mustaches. Check back throughout the month, and if you can, you should donate to the cause.

Rookie tries fantasy hockey.

So this is what it's like to build a team.
Except Gauthier is a vegetarian and I love chicken wings, so not really.

I recently joined a hockey pool for the first time, and learned that "fantasy hockey" isn't those dreams I have where Josh Gorges makes me waffles and we watch Arrested Development together. (Did I just blog that out loud?)

My draft was yesterday, and it was every bit as stressful as my fantasy football draft a few weeks ago. I'm guessing that all the grumbling and the yelling and the loud noises and rise in blood pressure are normal when drafting a fantasy team?

In any case, here's the lineup for Every Day I'm Byfuglien:

FORWARDS
Evgeni Malkin, Pittsburgh. He scores lots of goals and gets lots of penalties. I get points for both of those things. Plus, I was confused about whether to take him, Stamkos, Ovechkin, or Henrik Sedin. So I took the guy who tweeted a picture of his cat.

Jonathan Toews, Chicago. Because he's Jonathan Toews.

Tomas Plekanec, Montreal. I don't think I get points for faceoffs, so that's a Plus for Pleks. I have a good feeling about him this season.

Dustin Brown, Los Angeles. He's good all-around, and he's a King. I went for Brown since Doughty and Kopitar were snatched out from under me.

Andrei Kostitsyn, Montreal. Yeah, I took a gamble on Andrei. Most people don't believe in him, but he can do great things during contract seasons. And if he doesn't do a lot of scoring, he'll probably get in trouble, and I'll get points for PIMs.

He was really excited when I picked him

Shane Doan, Phoenix. So, Jarome Iginla was taken. And then two picks before I was going to take Evander Kane (the baby Jarome Iginla), he got drafted. So I took Shane Doan, who, like Iginla, is a great player and a great captain. Also, whenever I'm in doubt, I just think of what players Czechtacular likes. (I'm still her protégée, no matter what she says.)

Joe Pavelski, San Jose. He's good during the regular season, right?

Brian Gionta, Montreal. My captain. Why not?

Devin Setoguchi, Minnesota. Remember how on Friends, Chandler always went back to Janice? I think Setoguchi is my Janice. So many things have happened that should have made me stop liking him: The Sharks have lost in the playoffs when they were supposed to win the Cup. I've seen him wear Ed Hardy. He got married and didn't tell me. He joined Twitter, was boring, then quit because it was "too distracting," only to come back after he'd been traded to Minnesota. Through it all, I still like him. This isn't healthy. Don't let me down again, Devin.

DEFENSE

Brent Burns, on the fantasy hockey campaign trail

Brent Burns, San Jose. The trade to San Jose is supposed to be really good for him, right?

Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit. He's Nick freaking Lidstrom. He's good at everything.

Jack Johnson, Los Angeles. Okay, so I got another King. He's a badass.

Cam Fowler, Anaheim. I took him because everyone says to take Cam Fowler in fantasy hockey.

UTILITY GUYS
Theo Peckham, Edmonton. He gets penalty minutes. And that mustache.

Brooks Laich, Washington. He didn't become a Hab this summer, so this is the closest I'll get to having him on my team. Should I re-name my team As You Laich It?

BENCH (OR WHATEVER "BN" STANDS FOR)
Mason Raymond, Vancouver. (aka, The Opposite of Name-Dropping) Okay, so he's broken. But when he's fixed, even if he doesn't come back 100%, he'll still be damn fast.

James Wisniewski, Columbus. He's good at hockey. I remember that much from last year. (The rest is all a blur, stained by tears over player injuries and Saku Koivu's return to the Bell Centre.)

Michael Ryder, Dallas. At first this was Teddy Purcell in Tampa Bay, but Ryder apparently had an incredible preseason and will be getting lots of ice time. Or so I'm told by someone who actually pays attention to the Dallas Stars.

GOALIES

Jonathan Quick, Los Angeles. By the time I got to this pick (second round, 16th overall, I think?) all of last year's top 5 goalies had been taken. Except maybe Tim Thomas, but I guess I forgot about him and I'm better off with no Bruins as long as fantasy hockey isn't cursed like football is, in which case I'd have drafted Brad Marchand twice just to ensure some kind of dumbass injury. But I digress. Quick would have been my backup goalie, so I took him first, thinking of that insane shutout he posted against the Red Wings last year.

Corey Crawford, Chicago. Considering how he played last season, I'm lucky to have him on my team. I feel like we should be referring to Crawford as "the next ________" but I don't know who to compare him to.

Ondrej Pavelec, Winnipeg. The ThrashJets are going to be better than they were last year, simply because they'll have fan support, and Pavelec was already really good. Also, he's Czech.

So, there you have it. A team with a punny name, filled with players who are good at hockey (right?) and who I like (except for Cam Fowler, because who's dis guy?).

Now comes the next step: figuring out how this fantasy sports thing works.

Plus/Minus: The streak is over

A decent week overall for the Habs, right? I know, it's strange to have seen the team win games (sort of) and score goals this week. What's that about? Do they like us again for real, or are they just being nice to us? Can we finally stop singing "Grenade" and inserting random Hab names into the lyrics?

PLUS

+ Thank you, Roman, for finally ending the scoring drought on Tuesday.
+ MaxPac is skating! Nothing matters quite as much as our #67 being on the road to recovery.
+ Holy crap, Teemu Selanne is nearly twice our age and scored five points in one game.
+ Jarome Iginla scored 1000 career points. I'm so proud. This is just another accomplishment on his way to becoming Prime Minister.
+ Brian Gionta hit the 400-point mark against the Devils. We love you, captain!
+ PK Subban's slapshot.
+ Hey, Carey. Good on you for tying Patrick Roy's peak of 36 wins in one season. (No pressure. I just love my goalie. The rest is just icing on the cake.)
+ It hurts me to say this, but Jeff Skinner and his two goals against the Habs didn't entirely infuriate me. The kid is just so good at hockey.

MINUS

- Bill McCreary has retired. But now who will have a mustache?
- Japan withdraws from all 2011 IIHF tournaments in order to accommodate the players whose families have been affected by the earthquake and tsunami. It makes sense, but it's unfortunate nonetheless. Maybe sports can help, as implied by this fantastic post about baseball. (Yes, baseball. I know. What's up with that? Just read it.)
- Benoit Pouliot. Sigh. He was on fire for a while, but it looks like someone needs to fan those flames again.


- Is Georges Laraque serious? It seems like he only talks about the Canadiens to criticize them, and he's completely oblivious. He acts like he's still a hockey player when the general consensus is that he made his own fate. He may still be on the Habs' payroll, but he doesn't actually play for them. His last season as a Hab doesn't reflect his entire career, I know, but hockey is what made him famous and he either ignores that fact or takes it for granted and doesn't seem to understand that the most respected members of sports media are the ones who are able to show some kind of decorum. I have complete respect for his dedication to certain causes, but it doesn't give him the right to act the way he does. Bono may plan telethons and build drinking wells and meet with heads of state, but he knows that writing songs is what made him famous enough to make a difference. Angelina Jolie may do a lot of work with the United Nations, but she doesn't crap all over every actress in Hollywood just because she's a humanitarian. There's been a lot of talk this season about respect in the NHL. I don't expect it only from rookies. I expect anyone who's ever been close to an NHL team to watch what they say when it comes to coaches and players.

And on a more somber note, we're sending thoughts and prayers to St. Louis Blues prospect Jaden Schwartz and his family, after the loss of his sister Mandi. They refer to it as "battling cancer" because it's a tough fight, and you don't always win, but the support that Mandi had from her teammates, friends, and hockey fans everywhere was amazing. I'm the same age as Mandi and I don't think I'd be able to have as much strength as she had. Rest in peace, Mandi, and be proud that you inspired so many people to donate blood and bone marrow.

Plus/Minus: on a roll

Lots of surprises, lots of goals, and lots of wardrobe problems this week when I had to avoid wearing Rider green and Sharks teal, even though half of what I own is one of those colours. But, you know, mostly actual hockey stuff.

PLUS

they see me rollin'...

+ When your teammate is injured, you're supposed to help him in any way you can. Tomas Plekanec did just that for his friend Andrei Kostitsyn. It was super weird, but if rolling your teammate is the best way to move him, then so be it.
+ Tom Pyatt. Scored. A goal.
+ Carey Price almost scored a goal.
+ I already lamented the lack of mustaches post-Movember and got some love for my breakdown of Carey Price's mustache. But one thing I didn't get to talk about in my now-famous mustaches post is the Hamilton Bulldogs.

Ben Maxwell, poet laureate.

+ Usually I don't like it when fans boo and act like jerks, but I made an exception on Thursday for what I like to call "Jackass Homecoming." A plus to the Ottawa Senators fans, whose booing of not-so-prodigal son Dany Heatley was the loudest thing I've ever heard during a Sens game. Or in Ottawa, period. Heck, they were louder than the fans who "welcomed" LeBron James back to Cleveland. An additional plus goes to this guy:

This is what it's like when worlds collide.

If I were ESPN, I'd run a one-hour special about LeBron James hater merchandise.


MINUS

Please don't go anywhere

- Why is Josh Gorges taking therapy days and suddenly appearing to be slightly less than the indestructible iron man we all know he is? I feel like every time a player starts by taking multiple mysterious therapy days, he's about two weeks from sending everything to hell with some awful injury. Please, Josh, say it ain't so. I just wouldn't be able to take the heartache.
- I already told Lars Eller to stop taking penalties, didn't I? Yes. Yes, I did. Last week.
- I'm glad the Habs recovered from that Oilers loss, because they can't let that happen again. The Oilers are better than they have been in the last couple seasons, thus increasing the likelihood that they can win against the Canadiens and I just can't handle another 7-1 trampling on the road. We stay up late to watch those games, you know. We could be watching Letterman!

- Nope, not a fan of the new Winter Classic commercial. It has no substance, no real excitement, and the absolutely ridiculous level of love that NHL marketing has for "Crosby vs. Ovechkin" is just... it's getting old. This commercial makes it look like no one else will be doing anything at the Winter Classic. There are two teams in this game, not two players. If I didn't know anything about hockey and saw the commercial, I probably wouldn't even remember which teams were playing. If all you're using to sell something is two sports stars, a football field, and some snow, you could have a great commercial:


- And finally, the biggest minus of all. Dear person who broke into Pat Burns' widow's car and stole everything: you're going to hell, so it doesn't really matter what I say, but just know that you might be one of the worst people on Earth and if ever you get caught, a lot of people will cause you serious injury. You're probably hoping you never get caught. I'm hoping you get what you deserve.


I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this coming week will be more or less like the last.
But probably with more PK Subban gossip. Make it stop, someone!

A goodbye to the NHL's Movember mustaches

I should probably start this blog post by admitting that mustaches make me laugh. There, I said it. Movember, the initiative for men to grow mustaches and collect pledges for prostate cancer research, obviously gave me a few giggles as I watched my hockey.

Now, unfortunately, December has come and the mustaches are gone, and we're back to looking at everyone's regular clean-shaven faces. In some cases, that's a good thing... isn't it?

Carey Price's mustache was pretty classic in style. Lots of guys who did Movember decided to go a little crazy and grew long Hulk Hogan mustaches instead of going legit with a Tom Selleck or a Burt Reynolds or an Inigo Montoya. There's a reason why they're classics, boys. Carey's expression in the picture above sums up how I feel about it: confused. I can't decide if I like it or not. Some days I think it looks ridiculous. Other times, like when my mom said it made him look like Clark Gable, I kinda dug it. Also, if you're superstitious, the sheer quality of Carey's goaltending during Movember kind of speaks for itself.
Should the mustache make a comeback? I was a little disappointed to see it go, but mostly for entertainment purposes. Carey has said it'll be back next Movember, and I'm okay with that. He can post shutouts whether he's got a mustache or not.

Josh Gorges' mustache made its first appearance two seasons ago, and I think I was one of the only people who liked it back then. I had missed a couple of games and was warned about it. It wasn't as scary as everyone made it sound. My theory for this spontaneous mustache growth was that Josh had seen Watchmen a few weeks earlier, looked at The Comedian's mustache and thought, "I can pull off one of those." I thought it didn't look so bad, and I liked it even more when Canadiens.com ran an article on it, wherein star writer Manny Almela used a whole bunch of synonyms for "mustache." (My favourite? "Soup strainer.") This time around, the 'stache looked alright, but Josh's decision to shave his head to a Pierre McGuire kind of smoothness was misguided.
Should it come back? Sure, why not, as long as it's not paired with bowling ball head.

Hal Gill's mustache should be in textbooks. THIS is how you grow a long mustache, gentlemen. Step 1: Be really, really tall. Step 2: Grow the 'stache. At the beginning of the month my friend Cathie saw the beginnings of a horseshoe mustache (I looked that up, we thought it was a Fu Manchu) and said it would suit him, and I disagreed with her completely. But I should've trusted Cathie, as she's right more often than I am. Gill is pulling off this 'stache. I'm almost sad to see it go.
Should it come back? I wouldn't mind if it did. The unfortunate departure of Paul Mara left the Habs with a hole to fill in the "awesome facial hair" department.

Dustin Boyd's mustache might be the worst thing I've seen all year. (Including those five minutes I saw of $#!^ My Dad Says.) Maybe Boyd did it just to prove he can grow one, since it looks like it took a while to grow in. I wouldn't know for sure, since I've barely seen Boyd all month. But I can barely look at it.
Should it come back? NO. Kill it! Kill it! Oh, the humanity! ...Is it safe to look now?
(This picture, by the way, came courtesy of our friend Amanda, who met Boyd and his mustache at the Habs' blood drive on Monday but didn't run away screaming.)

David Arsenault's mustache, which gave him the temporary privilege of not looking like one of Santa's elves for once. It almost made him look like an old-school hockey sportscaster... if they had NHL hockey in Mexico. It might have been the furriest 'stache I saw during all of Movember. It looked like he stole the eyebrow from that unibrowed baby on The Simpsons and stuck it to his upper lip. Laughter is good for the soul, and David Arsenault made me laugh everytime I watched Hockey 360 before a Habs game. See? Movember is good for women's health too!
Should it come back? ...My common sense tells me no. My sense of humour tells me yes.

To take things out of Montreal for a second... I saw this hilarious photo of some Anaheim Ducks players and their mustaches, and thought I'd spotlight a couple of former Habs. I'm only linking to the photo because Ryan Getzlaf's mustache sends me into uncontrollable fits of laughter.

Kyle Chipchura's mustache is just funny. No other way to describe it. Slightly unflattering, but it doesn't hurt your eyes as much as the Boyd-stache. However, unlike every other mustache in this post, it doesn't make him look older. I'm not sure why, and I find this quite confusing, because you wouldn't think that a Magnum PI mustache would be the thing to make Chipchura actually look like he's in his 20's.

Should it come back? No. It may be the only thing I've seen that doesn't make Chippy look like he should be referred to as "sir", but he shouldn't have a mustache.

Saku Koivu's mustache is great, actually. I can't remember seeing Saku with a mustache like this (he usually had a bit of a beard going on) and I'm actually quite surprised by how good it looks on him. Look at that! It's the kind of mustache you'd see in old pictures of your relatives and NOT burst out laughing at. You'd see that mustache on that handsome face and know why your aunt married your uncle. The only weird thing about all this is that I still can't believe Saku reached the age where he can pull off a mustache like this. What are the odds that he'll want to play forever like Mark Recchi, and sport this mustache for a while?
Should it come back? Yes. You know what else should come back? Saku. To Montreal. No offense, current Montreal Canadiens roster, it's just that Saku's like a really old friend and I haven't seen him in a while.

Until I saw the Koivu mustache I was just about ready to name this my favourite NHL 'stache of Movember:

Theo Peckham's mustache entertained me to no end. I don't even know how I watched enough Oilers games to help me come to this decision, but the young D-man can grow a mustache. It suits him, he trimmed it or whatever it is that men do to maintain mustaches, and he didn't go too crazy (which would have been a bad idea for someone who's on TV often). Dustin Boyd is probably jealous that a guy younger than him can grow a better mustache.
Should it come back? If the Oilers keep up this recent hot streak and make the playoffs, Peckham should grow this instead of a beard.


Movember was fun while it lasted. Thanks for the laughs, gentlemen, and congratulations on all the money you raised. Final figures aren't available yet but with 120,000 Movember participants in Canada alone, I'm guessing that it was a pretty good month. My cousin Joe raised over $500 with his mustache!
It's really a shame that my idea - a winter fundraiser for women's cancers called Leguary - probably wouldn't be as much fun to look at.