I didn't recognize Plus/Minus behind those Clark Kent glasses

I seem to have an awful lot to say, considering that the Canadiens only played one game this week.

PLUS

+ Everything about that Red Wings game was fantastic. This isn't just a Plus, it's a Plus four thousand.
+ Carey Price was one of the best things about All-Star weekend, from his reaction to being drafted by a Bruin and a Leaf to his silliness during the skills competition.
+ To the inevitable jokes happening in the Florida Panthers' locker room this week, after poor Brian Campbell's accidental indecent exposure became the talk of the Internet.

+ I didn't want to, but I'll admit it: Scott Hartnell is a mensch and a joy to watch in the All-Star Game.
+ A toast to the NHL's apparent newest player rivalry, Patrick Kane vs. Jordan Eberle - look at the angry stare on Kane's face here:



+ I have made my share of LeBron James jokes in the last year or so, but there can be no jokes when it comes to moves like these:

+ Congratulations to Melissa McCarthy (Sookie!) on getting an Oscar nomination for her fearless, hysterical performance in Bridesmaids.

MINUS

- Poor players get named to the All-Star Game, then are given free hats but the hats are fug. Most of us know that Steven Stamkos plays for the Lightning. There was no need to give him a hat that says TAMPABAYLIGHTNING on it in letters so large that you can only see half the team name at a time.
- To everyone who tried to make a news story out of Carey Price not shaking Zdeno Chara's hand: concentrate on more important things, like the possibility of a Patrick Kane-Jordan Eberle rivalry.
- If I understood the story correctly, the doctors treating Sidney Crosby misdiagnosed him, and this is the first we hear of him having fractured vertebrae. If that's the case, then the doctors who treat Penguins players have got to be some of the most inept people on Earth.


- I'm sorry, but as much as I may love The Office, I'm not jazzed about this announcement of a Dwight Schrute spin-off. No. Let The Office end the way it needs to end, and then leave it be, unless this new show is either all about Cousin Mose. Or, if it is a Dwight spin-off, it should be some ridiculously nerdy high-concept series starring Dwight and his BBC counterpart Gareth.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to decide whether I'm Team Kane or Team Eberle.

Challenges I Missed During the All-Star Skills Competition

Best chirp

Ice sculpture challenge

Hardest Shot, with bartender Patrick Kane

Worst hair

Teddy bear toss during the skills relay

Political debate against Tim Thomas

Pin the tail on the Chara

Costume contest

Who can watch Nyan Cat the longest?

On-ice roller derby

Real-life game of "Daniel or Henrik"

Spelling bee

Goalie fights

Dance-off


But instead I had to settle for Pavel Datsyuk showing me why he's one of the greatest players in the game.

Our 2012 All-Star Draft

You may remember that last year, the Hab It Her Way girls got together and drafted their own All-Star teams, with all the stress of not knowing who to pick. (Parts One and Two, if you're interested.)

Czechtacular and I are giving it another go. This year, we decided to change things up a little bit. We set some ground rules:

• Starting lineups only: 3 forwards, 2 defencemen, 1 goalie.
• No players that were named to the actual All-Star Game.
• And, since we are Habs fans, there has to be at least one short guy on the team.
• We will be drafting one coach each - but he'll be coaching the other person's team.

And here we go:

Team Czechtacular's first pick...

Radim Vrbata, Phoenix Coyotes. Because he has 23 goals, which is fifth-best in the league, and his real All-Star invitation must've gotten lost in the mail but that's okay because mine is prettier.

Kudos to anyone who got the Count of Monte Cristo reference, which I doubt is anybody. But see? Pretty.

Team Rookie's first pick...

Saku Koivu, Anaheim Ducks. Big surprise there, eh? I was hoping he'd be named an All-Star so that I could go to Ottawa and see him again, and not cry.

Team Czechtacular's second pick...

Ilya Bryzgalov, Philadelphia Flyers. Because he's already used to letting a ton of goals in during regular games for the Flyers and having choice quotes about it after the game. But don't worry, on my team he'll definitely have a mic on for the whole experience just in case he wants to inform us more about blonde-girl huskies and/or solar systems.

Team Rookie's second pick...
Miikka Kiprusoff, Calgary Flames. Because Czechtacular took Bryz away from me, and that is humangas big not cool. Kipper is always great to watch, and I don't get to see him play often enough.

Team Czechtacular's third pick...
Matthew Lombardi, Toronto Maple Leafs. I know, I know. But I waited a whole season to have him back from that concussion and he's mainly here for my version of the Skills' Competition in which he'd zoom away with the Fastest Skater Award anyway, sooooo.

Team Rookie's third pick...

Mason Raymond, Vancouver Canucks. You want fast? Raymond is fast. You're losing that Fastest Skater competition, Team Czechtacular. Sorry. And my picking Raymond now is just a coincidence, because it's a known fact that I put him on my All-Star ballot every year.

Team Czechtacular's fourth pick...

A Magically Healed and Ready for Action Dmitry Kulikov, Florida Panthers. There's nothing in the rules about not being able to stage our version of the All-Star Game in eight weeks, is there? Because like a lot of the Panthers this season, he's been flying under the radar with 24 points, tenth-most in the league among defensemen. Meanwhile, his D partner Brian Campbell gets to be a real All-Star as he spends his break and the next two months or so recovering from knee surgery. I cry foul.

Team Rookie's fourth pick...

Dan Boyle, San Jose Sharks. He's the kind of guy you'd want on your All-Star team, representing your league. He'd probably be good for a point or two, and his stats this season are just as good as actual All-Star Ryan Suter's.

Team Czechtacular's fifth pick...

Ladislav Smid, Edmonton Oilers. In my All-Star Game there are hits and blocked shots. Smid is among the league leaders in both categories. And if you're a regular watcher of Oil Change you'll know why he's the other logical choice to be mic'ed up for the weekend.

Team Rookie's fifth pick...

Wayne Simmonds, Philadelphia Flyers. I never, ever thought I'd pick a Flyer, but I still sort of half-think of Simmonds as an L.A. King. He'd bring some grit and energy to the team, and if you watched 24/7 you'd know that he seems like a nice enough guy. He's maybe not as quotable as, say, Bryzgalov, but he'd get along well with his teammates and have fun with fans.

Team Czechtacular's sixth pick...

David Desharnais, Montreal Canadiens. The little assist-machine (not too shabby at scoring goals against the Wings, either) that could, after getting a rough ride by many of the Habs' faithful for much of this season he's quietly emerging as a top-tier producer, so he's going to be my Tricolore representative this year.

Team Rookie's sixth pick...

Josh Gorges, Montreal Canadiens. Okay, so I coincidentally saved my Hab for last, too. His offensive skill will be an asset in the ASG. He'd have a great time. And, just in case this game goes to overtime and I need someone to score a game-winning goal, he's got it covered.

And now, for the coaches. How do you pick a coach for someone else's team, to play against you?

Czechtacular picks Team Rookie's coach...

Joel Quenneville, Chicago Blackhawks. Because moustache.

Rookie picks Team Czechtacular's coach...

Kirk Muller, Carolina Hurricanes. He might not have a moustache, but how could I not pick Kirk?

And that's our draft, ladies and gentlemen. No awkward cuts to the social media room, no confetti, no free cars. (Offers are welcome for car sponsorships for next year's draft.)

Plus/Minus: Without y'all, I can't buy my Phantom

So maybe this team is scrappier than I thought they were. It's kind of inspiring: people count them out, and we all keep wondering what's wrong and if things will get better or worse, and then the Habs win. I need to learn to stop counting them out.

PLUS

+ The above tweet from Paul Bissonnette, who's a good guy once you get past all the girls in yoga pants and whatnot. (But if you'd rather just go for laughs, read Ron Artest's tweets about how much he misses playing basketball.)
+ Teemu Selanne dressed up as Batman for Halloween! How awesome is that? (I heard rumblings that one of our Habs also dressed up as Batman, but unlike the Coyotes, the Habs' Halloween pictures remain a secret...)
+ For those days when work never ends, and you think you should go to bed early instead of watching the end of the game, but you change your mind and Josh Gorges scores the overtime game-winning goal.
+ Travis Moen, you are scoring goals this season. And the team appeciates that.
+ Max Pacioretty needs to go to the All-Star Game. (See Minus for more on the ASG.)
+ Ryan Miller called Milan Lucic a piece of... well, you know. And while I'm not sure that that's sportsmanlike or whatever, it's hella entertaining and I look forward to quoting that sound bite and seeing it on SportsCentre Top 10s for some time.

MINUS

I thought I could trust him

- Does Carey know that PK was triple-low-fiving another goalie?
- I'm sorry, but I still don't know what a Scrivens is. Someone please explain, and make fun of me if you must.
- Hey, Flyers and Bolts: you know that playing hockey involves MOVING AROUND, right?
- I thought players had to play a minimum number of games to be eligible for the All-Star ballot. But Sidney Crosby is on it. So, can we just write anyone in? A locked-out basketball player? An actor who played a hockey player in a movie? Sidney Crosby's dad? Batman? LMFAO? Or how about my cat? They've all played just as many games this season as Crosby has. I encourage you to vote for my cat.

- There is literally nothing I can say about this Penn State mess that hasn't been said already, and especially nothing that can make this situation better. I don't know why anyone didn't realize that covering up child molestation is not only unbelievably wrong, but even worse for the school's future than taking immediate action. I don't know what could have motivated so many people to want to cover this up. I don't know why Joe Paterno didn't realize that this scandal could end his career, and didn't try to show some sort of remorse or accountability by retiring before getting fired. But I do know one thing: it's made us as fans think about what we may not know is happening behind the scenes, and that maybe our loyalty to a sport isn't the most important thing there is in life.

Plus/Minus: no Guardian holograms here

So I know everyone hates on the All-Star Game when really they should be directing that hate toward something more deserving, like Two and a Half Men, the show so bad that Charlie Sheen upped his drug intake just to avoid quitting his job.
Uh, I still have the All-Star superskills on tape and have only seen the Fastest Skater so far, so I can't comment on them per se but I can probably just wing it and say that PK Subban and Alexander Ovechkin were great at breakaways.

PLUS

I cannot take credit for this. It was somewhere on Tumblr. We salute whoever made it.

+ The All-Star mock draft was surprisingly enjoyable. I expected it to be as boring as a regular draft, but it was hockey players in suits having a good time. So... fun.
+ My number one highlight of the All-Star draft was Matt Duchene of the Colorado Avalanche making lame jokes about being one of the last guys picked and laughing at his own jokes. He was so awkward and adorable and exactly like George Michael Bluth.
+ So Ryan White got five minutes of ice time against the Flyers. But he didn't waste them, right?

MINUS

- I had a bit more faith in this NHL Guardian Project than most people, but I was pretty disappointed by the climactic presentation between periods at the ASG. I waited and waited to see what kind of villain they'd face, and it was a Zurg wannabe named Deven Dark. ("Deven Dark"? Really? Sounds like he should be in some emo band.) There was no actual story - it was just a five-minute commercial for the Guardian Project website.
- Raleigh did a lot of things right over All-Star weekend, but their in-house announcer guy is not an All-Star.
- Kris Letang's hair.
- A rumour erupted on Twitter about Jarome Iginla being traded to the New York Rangers. I can't even think about it, it's just so awful.
- Speaking of Twitter, Dave Stubbs unearthed a hateful, prejudiced tweet from some douche Flyers fan. That guy gets a minus, and if ever I meet him, a slap in the face. (But laurels to Mr. Stubbs for calling him out on it.)

Regular hockey is back tomorrow! And now everyone will talk about the trade deadline, the end-of-season rush, and going to the playoffs, and then the playoffs and then the Stanley Cup. Is the season over already?

Team Rookie and Team Czechtacular keep handing out jerseys

(Those jerseys, by the way, have yet to be designed, but one would probably have a Czech crest on it and the other a cat. Go ahead and guess which is which.)

If you haven't read Part 1, and you certainly had time to during our extended technical difficulties, you should do that now. It'll give you a better idea of who we picked so far and how careful we are not to step on each other's toes. Not. So we're at round 11:

Team Rookie's eleventh pick:
Saku Koivu. His selection is somewhat due to leftover Koivu nostalgia from last week. We miss him.

Team Czechtacular's eleventh pick:
Henrik Lundqvist. Okay, maybe I won't need too much help in goal. Or in the GQ department.

Team Rookie's twelfth pick:
P.K. Subban. Others hate him. We love him. He's fast, enthusiastic, energetic, and flashy. He would rock the skills competition and bring some actual defence to the game. And maybe, by the end of the weekend, everyone else will love him too. And I will say I told you so.

Team Czechtacular's twelfth pick:
Everyone seems to forget about the existence of Brad Richards. That's sort of how I roll, so I believe I will go with the 6th-best scorer in the league, thank you.

Team Rookie's thirteenth pick:
RICK NASH!!!! I'm sorry, that happens every time I mention him. I'm a big fan and we Montrealers rarely get to see him. I looked up his stats and he's having a great season! How are the Blue Jackets not having a better season with a captain like this?

Team Czechtacular's thirteenth pick:
Nick Lidstrom's got a tough job ahead of him in that he's one of the guys doing the picking tonight, so he can take it easy now. [Rookie: dammit! I wish I had picked him]

Team Rookie's fourteenth pick:
Anze Kopitar. He's really good at hockey.

Team Czechtacular's fourteenth pick:
To be the Lidstrom of the forwards, Mark Recchi. Plus 32 points is none too shabby for the oldest guy in the league.

Team Rookie's fifteenth pick:
Brian Gionta. Gotta show the captain some love.

Team Czechtacular's fifteenth pick:
Dan Boyle, because i now have the added knowledge that he can hit even the tiniest of nets.

Team Rookie's sixteenth pick:
Jonathan Ericsson. It turns out I know very little about defencemen, but Ericsson usually catches my attention during the playoffs. While I don't buy into this whole "represent every team" kindergarten bullcrap, I'd feel weird not having a Detroit Red Wing on my team. (Valtteri came close to making Team Rookie but was ultimately cut.)

Team Czechtacular's sixteenth pick:
Adrian Aucoin, for an all-Ottawa blueline. Also because his +18 remains unaffected for the balance of this game.

Team Rookie's seventeenth pick:
Shea Weber. He was given this spot at the last minute, since we reached this round in our draft exactly as he was being picked on TV. He's a Team Canada superstar and a friend of Josh Gorges. He had to be on this team.

Team Czechtacular's seventeenth pick:
Erik Karlsson. Because he, too, was on TV during this round. I want to see him play with Yandle. I think he can yandle it.

Team Rookie's eighteenth pick:
Matt Duchene. I was ecstatic that he was named an All-Star this year, he deserves it, he's had a great season and he's so adorably awkward. I love it when players I pick at random (like I did with Duchene around the time he was drafted) turn out to be good.

Team Czechtacular's eighteenth pick:
Jakub Voracek. To be a friend to Derick Brassard.

Team Rookie's nineteenth pick:
Niklas Hjalmarsson. Some people think it's because I've learned to pronounce his name instead of being scared of it, but he's coming off a stanley cup win, and I googled his numbers and they're good.

Team Czechtacular's nineteenth pick:
Our newest Twitter darling Ryan Jones. He has the duality of being a hard worker and epic commentator in between proceedings, especially in the skills competition. He also has great hockey flow, which is always appreciated in these things. I think PK was proof of that tonight.

Team Rookie's twentieth pick:
My boy, because I met him once, Joe Pavelski: Dynamite in last year's playoffs, keeping a decent pace this season, and I just couldn't not pick him.

Team Czechtacular's twentieth pick:
Teemu Selanne, because he and Saku should be at an All-Star Game together, even if they're on opposing teams.

Team Rookie's twenty-first pick:
So I was looking at defenceman standings, expecting to realize I'd completely forgotten someone on some sun-belt team who's great at defence and who I love very much, and you know who I see is pretty good compared to the rest of the league? James Wisniewski. Yeah.

Team Czechtacular's twenty-first pick:
Am I Kesselling someone? I pick Vladimir Sobotka because he will hit people in an all star game. He's the David Backes of our version.

Just to make the goalies sweat it out a little, we went with an all-goalie last round.

Team Rookie's twenty-second pick:
For my last goalie, I gotta go with my boy Roberto Luongo. Yes, that's right, Luongo is my boy, even moreso than Pavelski. For some reason the Internet doesn't like him, but his save percentage is good and I like him and it's my team.

Team Czechtacular's twenty-second pick:
Ilya Bryzgalov. I picked him first in all my hockey pools this season and wanted to see how much he liked being picked last. Unfortunately, I don't have a car to give him.


If we had any footage of Matt Duchene making awkward jokes while eagerly waiting to be picked, we'd share it, but there's no way we'd even be able to get these guys in a room together.

Team Lidstrom and Team Staal? Scrap 'em.

We're totally sick of NHL All Star mock drafts, but for our pure amusement we bring you another one.

But here's the catch. We've scrapped everything the league picked for us (well, almost) and started over from scratch. It's the fans' game after all, isn't it? And it's a fun exercise if you're not one to call what's about to take place tonight on TSN your cup of tea. Especially if, like me, your favourite players are not necessarily "on the grid."

Tonight, we are these guys. Without the salaries, the trophies, and the Stanley Cup rings. 

Don't expect this to make total sense, either. Like BizNasty picked Henrik Lundqvist first for his GQMF-ability to have a good time in the Big Apple, not all our reasoning has to do with stats over style. And the order? We're not good with that, either. Clearly.

So who are our All Stars?

Team Rookie's first pick:
Carey Price. You know him, you love him, you know he poses like a boss (I swear I brought it up by accident, but you know it's true). It's only natural he's the first pick of the draft!

Team Czechtacular's first pick:
Carey Price....'s cousin. Yes, Shane Doan is going to lead my club. In addition to a renowned NHL leader and general all-around good egg, the second half of his season has made everyone forget about the first. Unfortunately there are probably only so many injuries the NHL will allow before outright cancelling the thing, so we won't get to see him this weekend.

Team Rookie's second pick:
Mason Raymond. Why? Because if I can't see him at the real ASG even though I voted for him a bunch of times in both 2009 and 2011, I'm putting him on my team.

Team Czechtacular's second pick:
If Jeff Skinner got promoted to the big show in team life, Taylor Hall can in my version.

Team Rookie's third pick:
Steven Stamkos. No-brainer. He scored more goals in the calendar year of 2010 than anyone else in the NHL, including Sidney Crosby, who wasn't eligible for our teams because he's injured, but I wouldn't have picked him third anyway. And he's really nice and sportsmanship is important.

Team Czechtacular's third pick:
Tomas Plekanec. 'Nuff said. Really.

Team Rookie's fourth pick:
Jarome Iginla. Is there a better All-Star than Jarome Iginla? No. There isn't. (In this scenario, obviously, Jarome has the good fortune of not having any sick family members.)

Team Czechtacular's fourth pick:
These are my rules and I can draft my coach if I wanna. Even if he'd probably bagskate the players in each All Star Game intermission for letting in too many goals, Guy Boucher is my coach pick. And if you were wondering, yes, he will participate in my skills' competition.

Team Rookie's fifth pick:
Kirk Muller and Dan Bylsma are Rookie's coach picks. (They're the best one-two punch I can assemble to compete with Guy Boucher.)

Team Czechtacular's fifth pick:
Almost excluded from the actual game (wrongly so) but added on due to injuries (that's better), Keith Yandle. Kid's a day younger than me and leads all NHL defensemen in scoring. That's no random feat.

Team Rookie's sixth pick:
Drew Doughty. Sure, a concussion has slowed him down a little this season, and he's angrier than usual, but he's still Drew Doughty.

Team Czechtacular's sixth pick:
Third in league save percentage and first in general Czech goalie badassery, Ondrej Pavelec.

Team Rookie's seventh pick:
This would have been Ondrej Pavelec. Czechtacular acted just in time. So I take Alexander Ovechkin. 'Cause he's still available, might as well. (Right, Doaner?)

Team Czechtacular's seventh pick:
Alexander Semin is injured, so Marty Havlat takes his place.

Team Rookie's eighth pick:
Jonathan Toews. Clearly I'm no better than Patrick Kane, and I feel really bad for making Captain Serious sweat it out for so long. But he's a great player overall, and a great sport, and I barely knew who he was before the last All-Star Game, so things are coming full circle.

Team Czechtacular's eighth pick:
Derick Brassard. The Mr. Assist to Mr. Nash in Columbus.

Team Rookie's ninth pick:
Joe Thornton. He is Canada.

Team Czechtacular's ninth pick:
David Krejci. Given the way Bruins fans had a collective heart attack last week when he was almost badly injured, it shows how much he's needed on any team because he's that good.

Team Rookie's tenth pick:
Jonathan Quick. A 52-save shutout against the Detroit Red Wings? Yeah. He's an All-Star.

Team Czechtacular's tenth pick:
I'm a little short on D, so Zbynek Michalek. Because my goalie pick is injured and whoever I pick as his replacement is probably going to need a lot of help blocking shots up front. Yes, my All Stars are all about the serious business.


Stay tuned for Part 2, because these drafts take a really long time and we're not even cutting to Pierre McGuire and a panel analyzing every move we make.

Plus/Minus: we need this ASG you have no idea

This was a pretty crazy week for the Hab It Her Way girls. The Flames came to town and we weren't there and, well, you saw the game and we didn't know what to do with ourselves. (Other than, you know, drink.) Then the Habs played the Sabres and Ryan Miller became the least of my worries. Then someone or other was called up. Then there were lots of goals. Then there was Saku and at the last minute, Czechtacular found herself at the Bell Centre for Saku. Also, I once again broke my "no crying in hockey" rule. So a few days off from the regular insanity that the NHL's been giving us would be nice. The All-Star break couldn't have come at a better time.

Also, for some reason this week I kept coming up with reasons to say "peanut butter jelly time."

PLUS

+ Obviously, the biggest plus has to go to Saku Koivu. You may have read our tribute to him over at All Habs, whose Saku coverage was unrivaled. As expected, I got a bit emotional just seeing him on my TV again. Dave Stubbs had this to say on Twitter about the way his return was handled:

Upon reflection, I'm very disappointed in how #Habs handled it... Habs usually shine in these tribute things, but they totally fumbled Koivu's return... Beyond offering a room for Friday media talk & showing him on scoreboard, Habs virtually ignored Koivu's return... Surely a Koivu video tribute at some point? Surely a Habs sponsor would have given a scoreboard ad spot or two? Fans were tremendous. Koivu leaves Montreal feeling huge love and respect of Habs fans... Koivu, simply, is not merely another returning player. He was heart & soul of Habs for a decade... Anyway, that's how I feel. Wish they'd done a little more to recognize a man who was part of Montreal's fabric.

In a way, I agree with him. I would have loved for this to be treated like the big deal that it was, but I'm just glad Saku came back. Maybe it would have been out of character to suddenly treat Koivu like a saint, two years after this same organization neither offered him a contract renewal nor dealt with whichever media outlets tried to undermine his importance in this city. The Habs organization didn't try to create anything: they let the fans send the message. They simply altered their O Canada video: instead of showing only the vast landscapes, snowy peaks, and busy cities that make Canada great, they flashed back to Saku's return from cancer. And what more is there to say. (Lots, actually, but I have no idea how to put it into words. The good people at Kleenex should have sponsored this game.)
+ Max Pacioretty must have gone to the Josh Gorges School Of Playing Injured. I just hope he's actually okay to play, and not just letting his pride get the best of him.
+ That was a whole lot of goals against Ottawa. And not a whole lot of goals let in against the Sabres.
+ Ryan White was called up! I can't believe I didn't write a post about it, filled with complete nonsense and published so quickly I didn't even think of proofreading. I can't even tell you how excited I am to see him face the Flyers. (Provided, that is, that no one in Flyers management notices him. Don't even think about it, Philadelphia. I will take away all of your beer and cheese and friendly airport employees if you even consider taking Ryan White away. Don't test me.)

MINUS

What happened to me?

- Mike Komisarek punched a woman? (A Plus goes to the Leafs for taking him out of Montreal so we  wouldn't have to deal with this.)
- What is wrong with the Buffalo Sabres? Were they all possessed by the injury fairy?
- Curtis McElhinney, former backup to Miikka Kiprusoff, former impenetrable goalie, just became a father. What could be wrong with that, you ask? His daughter's name is Jaxen.
- Never thought I'd be giving a Minus to a class act like Nicklas Lidstrom, but what would possess him to name Patrick Kane as assistant captain of anything, unless he lost a bet?
- I'm a little sad that Jarome Iginla won't be playing in the All-Star Game, but really who can blame him? I hope he spends as much time with his family right now as he possibly can.
- Two soccer commentators in the UK made the stupidest comments about a female game official. I don't know if they think all linesmen are idiots or not, but by now they should at least be aware that women know about more than bearing children and cooking pot roasts. I hope these idiots get fired. (And this is me being nice about it.)

Well, at least I know this week won't be as eventful as last week. Right? Please say yes.

Plus/Minus gets chatty again

All-Stars, superheroes, surgeries, spin-o-ramas, and goalies doing gangsta poses. Did I write a hockey soap opera, or is this real life?

PLUS

+ Benoit Pouliot was good at hockey this week.
+ Carey Price is an All-Star! It made me so happy that at first I didn't even realize that Norris Trophy nominee Drew Doughty is not an All-Star. Quite a few All-Star guys that I'll be very happy to see on the ice together in two weeks. (I keep trying to choose my ideal winger for the Sedin twins, and can't decide!)
+ Alex Auld is pretty great against the Rangers. It's not just luck.
+ Dwayne Roloson's new mask (you know, for his Tampa Bay Lightning job that he unfortunately stole from Cédrick) is one of the nicest goalie masks in the NHL.
+ I think my New York Jets may just have won a playoff game. I might be imagining it, though.
+ Despite the fact that I'm not his biggest fan, I'm giving Aaron Sorkin a Plus for giving me a new catchphrase at the Golden Globes: "Smart girls have more fun."

MINUS

You guys should follow @kuyaz on Twitter just because he makes things like this sometimes.

- No, Marc-Andre Fleury, I didn't think your little pose was playful and fun. I might have thought that if you weren't such a massive douchetard, but them's the breaks.
- Gotta admit, I'm kind of squeamish, so I'm not always in the mood to see injuries and scars and stuff. I tried to avoid seeing pictures of the surgery scar on Andrei Markov's knee, but it was right there on the Habs Inside/Out homepage. Not cool, guys. It hurts me enough to remember that my favourite Hab is injured.
- I'm pretty sure I've made some variation on this rant at least once already this season: who let Mike Cammalleri get sick? You're telling me that one of the NHL's most profitable teams doesn't have money for Purell or to pay people to walk around holding up sneezeguards in front of players?
- Is there anyone left in this universe who still likes PK Subban? Poor rookie has haters all over the place. You'd think Matt Cooke started sending out blank cheques. (PS: This week I found out what a slew foot is... and seriously, THAT'S one of the dirtiest moves in hockey? Whose grandparents decided this? Was PK's slew foot on Dubinsky just a weak example, or was I not watching closely enough? Because I've seen way worse, both from NHL players and from girls at weddings trying to catch the bouquet.)
- Dear every player in the NHL: Maybe you didn't get my last memo, but there's a limit to corporate sponsorships and endorsement deals, ok? I know some of you don't listen to me, but it's one thing to endorse a company whose products you believe in and they send you free stuff, but it's another to have logos and company names splashed across your clothes or to show up in every other commercial I see. And yes, I'll keep telling you this until I get what I want. Okay? Okay. Thanks. Sincerely, Rookie.
- Henrik Lundqvist: You know what you did.

NEITHER A PLUS NOR A MINUS
Spin-o-ramas during shootouts. A skater should be allowed to do whatever he wants as he skates up to the net, because, after all, shootouts are there for our entertainment. (If they weren't, there would still be more than five minutes of overtime.) There's a limit, though, and as much as I love Mason Raymond he showed me what that limit is this week. I'm sorry, MayRay, but you shouldn't commit goalie interference with your butt.

AND STAY TUNED FOR
This is a shameless plug, because I never know what I'll say on the radio but I sometimes know what I'll be writing about, so I might as well promote what I can control. A Plus to this week's SNL Digital Short, which I'll write about soon for BetterWithPopcorn.com, and a Minus to our NHL Guardian, the Canadien, which I'll snark on soon for AllHabs.net.

The 2011 Mostly-Stars Game!

Uh, this is the roster? Really? Usually I really like the All-Star Game. This year, I'm not sure.

What's a Michael Grabner? And why is he one of many roster selections that left me asking that ageless question: "Who's DIS guy?"
Yup, just when I thought I had maybe learned a few things, the All-Star Game comes along and leaves me just as confused as ever.

WHO'S DIS GUY: Defencemen
I mean, by now I've figured out that Duncan Keith is probably not a singer. He won lots of things last year, so it makes sense that he'd be voted in to the ASG.

Brent Burns?

I thought I had watched a couple of Thrashers games this year, but I seriously have no idea where Tobias Enstrom came from. So far I have learned that his name is Tobias and he plays defence in Atlanta.

I've heard Erik Karlsson's name a bunch of times before, but this is the first time I find out he's actually good for something. (Also, I guess, because someone fell off their chair laughing when someone suggested Kovalev should be at the ASG this year.)

WHO'S DIS GUY: Forwards
David Backes was at the Olympics. Uh, clearly I know very little about St. Louis because I thought he played for the Devils.

Who's Patrik Elias? No, I'm serious. Is his name Czech for "everyone on my team is having a godawful season"?

Will I finally find out what Loui Eriksson actually does, other than be a hockey player in Dallas, and make me wonder whether people meant to talk about Jonathan Ericsson?

I think I've finally learned that Ales Hemsky is a person, not a font or a fine brandy. But... Ales Hemsky? Somehow I think that (for once) there are other Oilers who are generating more buzz than he is. Oh, look at that, they've been herded into the rookie ghetto. Okay, cool.

I know I'm supposed to care about Corey Perry, but if someone feels like making a sales pitch that's cool.

I KNOW DESE GUYS: Goalies
No selection here that really confuses me, which makes all the omissions even more frustrating.

WHO'S DIS GUY: Rookies
The good news about the rookies is that I probably get a pass if I don't know everything about them.

Which is good, because what's a Michael Grabner? Is Evgeny Dadonov real? Is Jeff Skinner old enough to be in the NHL? Because he looks about 9 years old.

Oh, and by the way, this year's All-Star jerseys look like this and we won't know who wears which one until the last minute:

Picture yoinked from Puck Daddy, who has yet to answer my eternal question: "Has there ever been a nice All-Star jersey?"

Mystery players who come out of the woodwork. Jerseys that could probably have been better-designed. Whatever. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing that Carey Price earned his spot on the All-Star roster, right?