Plus/Minus: no Guardian holograms here

So I know everyone hates on the All-Star Game when really they should be directing that hate toward something more deserving, like Two and a Half Men, the show so bad that Charlie Sheen upped his drug intake just to avoid quitting his job.
Uh, I still have the All-Star superskills on tape and have only seen the Fastest Skater so far, so I can't comment on them per se but I can probably just wing it and say that PK Subban and Alexander Ovechkin were great at breakaways.

PLUS

I cannot take credit for this. It was somewhere on Tumblr. We salute whoever made it.

+ The All-Star mock draft was surprisingly enjoyable. I expected it to be as boring as a regular draft, but it was hockey players in suits having a good time. So... fun.
+ My number one highlight of the All-Star draft was Matt Duchene of the Colorado Avalanche making lame jokes about being one of the last guys picked and laughing at his own jokes. He was so awkward and adorable and exactly like George Michael Bluth.
+ So Ryan White got five minutes of ice time against the Flyers. But he didn't waste them, right?

MINUS

- I had a bit more faith in this NHL Guardian Project than most people, but I was pretty disappointed by the climactic presentation between periods at the ASG. I waited and waited to see what kind of villain they'd face, and it was a Zurg wannabe named Deven Dark. ("Deven Dark"? Really? Sounds like he should be in some emo band.) There was no actual story - it was just a five-minute commercial for the Guardian Project website.
- Raleigh did a lot of things right over All-Star weekend, but their in-house announcer guy is not an All-Star.
- Kris Letang's hair.
- A rumour erupted on Twitter about Jarome Iginla being traded to the New York Rangers. I can't even think about it, it's just so awful.
- Speaking of Twitter, Dave Stubbs unearthed a hateful, prejudiced tweet from some douche Flyers fan. That guy gets a minus, and if ever I meet him, a slap in the face. (But laurels to Mr. Stubbs for calling him out on it.)

Regular hockey is back tomorrow! And now everyone will talk about the trade deadline, the end-of-season rush, and going to the playoffs, and then the playoffs and then the Stanley Cup. Is the season over already?

Team Rookie and Team Czechtacular keep handing out jerseys

(Those jerseys, by the way, have yet to be designed, but one would probably have a Czech crest on it and the other a cat. Go ahead and guess which is which.)

If you haven't read Part 1, and you certainly had time to during our extended technical difficulties, you should do that now. It'll give you a better idea of who we picked so far and how careful we are not to step on each other's toes. Not. So we're at round 11:

Team Rookie's eleventh pick:
Saku Koivu. His selection is somewhat due to leftover Koivu nostalgia from last week. We miss him.

Team Czechtacular's eleventh pick:
Henrik Lundqvist. Okay, maybe I won't need too much help in goal. Or in the GQ department.

Team Rookie's twelfth pick:
P.K. Subban. Others hate him. We love him. He's fast, enthusiastic, energetic, and flashy. He would rock the skills competition and bring some actual defence to the game. And maybe, by the end of the weekend, everyone else will love him too. And I will say I told you so.

Team Czechtacular's twelfth pick:
Everyone seems to forget about the existence of Brad Richards. That's sort of how I roll, so I believe I will go with the 6th-best scorer in the league, thank you.

Team Rookie's thirteenth pick:
RICK NASH!!!! I'm sorry, that happens every time I mention him. I'm a big fan and we Montrealers rarely get to see him. I looked up his stats and he's having a great season! How are the Blue Jackets not having a better season with a captain like this?

Team Czechtacular's thirteenth pick:
Nick Lidstrom's got a tough job ahead of him in that he's one of the guys doing the picking tonight, so he can take it easy now. [Rookie: dammit! I wish I had picked him]

Team Rookie's fourteenth pick:
Anze Kopitar. He's really good at hockey.

Team Czechtacular's fourteenth pick:
To be the Lidstrom of the forwards, Mark Recchi. Plus 32 points is none too shabby for the oldest guy in the league.

Team Rookie's fifteenth pick:
Brian Gionta. Gotta show the captain some love.

Team Czechtacular's fifteenth pick:
Dan Boyle, because i now have the added knowledge that he can hit even the tiniest of nets.

Team Rookie's sixteenth pick:
Jonathan Ericsson. It turns out I know very little about defencemen, but Ericsson usually catches my attention during the playoffs. While I don't buy into this whole "represent every team" kindergarten bullcrap, I'd feel weird not having a Detroit Red Wing on my team. (Valtteri came close to making Team Rookie but was ultimately cut.)

Team Czechtacular's sixteenth pick:
Adrian Aucoin, for an all-Ottawa blueline. Also because his +18 remains unaffected for the balance of this game.

Team Rookie's seventeenth pick:
Shea Weber. He was given this spot at the last minute, since we reached this round in our draft exactly as he was being picked on TV. He's a Team Canada superstar and a friend of Josh Gorges. He had to be on this team.

Team Czechtacular's seventeenth pick:
Erik Karlsson. Because he, too, was on TV during this round. I want to see him play with Yandle. I think he can yandle it.

Team Rookie's eighteenth pick:
Matt Duchene. I was ecstatic that he was named an All-Star this year, he deserves it, he's had a great season and he's so adorably awkward. I love it when players I pick at random (like I did with Duchene around the time he was drafted) turn out to be good.

Team Czechtacular's eighteenth pick:
Jakub Voracek. To be a friend to Derick Brassard.

Team Rookie's nineteenth pick:
Niklas Hjalmarsson. Some people think it's because I've learned to pronounce his name instead of being scared of it, but he's coming off a stanley cup win, and I googled his numbers and they're good.

Team Czechtacular's nineteenth pick:
Our newest Twitter darling Ryan Jones. He has the duality of being a hard worker and epic commentator in between proceedings, especially in the skills competition. He also has great hockey flow, which is always appreciated in these things. I think PK was proof of that tonight.

Team Rookie's twentieth pick:
My boy, because I met him once, Joe Pavelski: Dynamite in last year's playoffs, keeping a decent pace this season, and I just couldn't not pick him.

Team Czechtacular's twentieth pick:
Teemu Selanne, because he and Saku should be at an All-Star Game together, even if they're on opposing teams.

Team Rookie's twenty-first pick:
So I was looking at defenceman standings, expecting to realize I'd completely forgotten someone on some sun-belt team who's great at defence and who I love very much, and you know who I see is pretty good compared to the rest of the league? James Wisniewski. Yeah.

Team Czechtacular's twenty-first pick:
Am I Kesselling someone? I pick Vladimir Sobotka because he will hit people in an all star game. He's the David Backes of our version.

Just to make the goalies sweat it out a little, we went with an all-goalie last round.

Team Rookie's twenty-second pick:
For my last goalie, I gotta go with my boy Roberto Luongo. Yes, that's right, Luongo is my boy, even moreso than Pavelski. For some reason the Internet doesn't like him, but his save percentage is good and I like him and it's my team.

Team Czechtacular's twenty-second pick:
Ilya Bryzgalov. I picked him first in all my hockey pools this season and wanted to see how much he liked being picked last. Unfortunately, I don't have a car to give him.


If we had any footage of Matt Duchene making awkward jokes while eagerly waiting to be picked, we'd share it, but there's no way we'd even be able to get these guys in a room together.

Team Lidstrom and Team Staal? Scrap 'em.

We're totally sick of NHL All Star mock drafts, but for our pure amusement we bring you another one.

But here's the catch. We've scrapped everything the league picked for us (well, almost) and started over from scratch. It's the fans' game after all, isn't it? And it's a fun exercise if you're not one to call what's about to take place tonight on TSN your cup of tea. Especially if, like me, your favourite players are not necessarily "on the grid."

Tonight, we are these guys. Without the salaries, the trophies, and the Stanley Cup rings. 

Don't expect this to make total sense, either. Like BizNasty picked Henrik Lundqvist first for his GQMF-ability to have a good time in the Big Apple, not all our reasoning has to do with stats over style. And the order? We're not good with that, either. Clearly.

So who are our All Stars?

Team Rookie's first pick:
Carey Price. You know him, you love him, you know he poses like a boss (I swear I brought it up by accident, but you know it's true). It's only natural he's the first pick of the draft!

Team Czechtacular's first pick:
Carey Price....'s cousin. Yes, Shane Doan is going to lead my club. In addition to a renowned NHL leader and general all-around good egg, the second half of his season has made everyone forget about the first. Unfortunately there are probably only so many injuries the NHL will allow before outright cancelling the thing, so we won't get to see him this weekend.

Team Rookie's second pick:
Mason Raymond. Why? Because if I can't see him at the real ASG even though I voted for him a bunch of times in both 2009 and 2011, I'm putting him on my team.

Team Czechtacular's second pick:
If Jeff Skinner got promoted to the big show in team life, Taylor Hall can in my version.

Team Rookie's third pick:
Steven Stamkos. No-brainer. He scored more goals in the calendar year of 2010 than anyone else in the NHL, including Sidney Crosby, who wasn't eligible for our teams because he's injured, but I wouldn't have picked him third anyway. And he's really nice and sportsmanship is important.

Team Czechtacular's third pick:
Tomas Plekanec. 'Nuff said. Really.

Team Rookie's fourth pick:
Jarome Iginla. Is there a better All-Star than Jarome Iginla? No. There isn't. (In this scenario, obviously, Jarome has the good fortune of not having any sick family members.)

Team Czechtacular's fourth pick:
These are my rules and I can draft my coach if I wanna. Even if he'd probably bagskate the players in each All Star Game intermission for letting in too many goals, Guy Boucher is my coach pick. And if you were wondering, yes, he will participate in my skills' competition.

Team Rookie's fifth pick:
Kirk Muller and Dan Bylsma are Rookie's coach picks. (They're the best one-two punch I can assemble to compete with Guy Boucher.)

Team Czechtacular's fifth pick:
Almost excluded from the actual game (wrongly so) but added on due to injuries (that's better), Keith Yandle. Kid's a day younger than me and leads all NHL defensemen in scoring. That's no random feat.

Team Rookie's sixth pick:
Drew Doughty. Sure, a concussion has slowed him down a little this season, and he's angrier than usual, but he's still Drew Doughty.

Team Czechtacular's sixth pick:
Third in league save percentage and first in general Czech goalie badassery, Ondrej Pavelec.

Team Rookie's seventh pick:
This would have been Ondrej Pavelec. Czechtacular acted just in time. So I take Alexander Ovechkin. 'Cause he's still available, might as well. (Right, Doaner?)

Team Czechtacular's seventh pick:
Alexander Semin is injured, so Marty Havlat takes his place.

Team Rookie's eighth pick:
Jonathan Toews. Clearly I'm no better than Patrick Kane, and I feel really bad for making Captain Serious sweat it out for so long. But he's a great player overall, and a great sport, and I barely knew who he was before the last All-Star Game, so things are coming full circle.

Team Czechtacular's eighth pick:
Derick Brassard. The Mr. Assist to Mr. Nash in Columbus.

Team Rookie's ninth pick:
Joe Thornton. He is Canada.

Team Czechtacular's ninth pick:
David Krejci. Given the way Bruins fans had a collective heart attack last week when he was almost badly injured, it shows how much he's needed on any team because he's that good.

Team Rookie's tenth pick:
Jonathan Quick. A 52-save shutout against the Detroit Red Wings? Yeah. He's an All-Star.

Team Czechtacular's tenth pick:
I'm a little short on D, so Zbynek Michalek. Because my goalie pick is injured and whoever I pick as his replacement is probably going to need a lot of help blocking shots up front. Yes, my All Stars are all about the serious business.


Stay tuned for Part 2, because these drafts take a really long time and we're not even cutting to Pierre McGuire and a panel analyzing every move we make.

Plus/Minus: we need this ASG you have no idea

This was a pretty crazy week for the Hab It Her Way girls. The Flames came to town and we weren't there and, well, you saw the game and we didn't know what to do with ourselves. (Other than, you know, drink.) Then the Habs played the Sabres and Ryan Miller became the least of my worries. Then someone or other was called up. Then there were lots of goals. Then there was Saku and at the last minute, Czechtacular found herself at the Bell Centre for Saku. Also, I once again broke my "no crying in hockey" rule. So a few days off from the regular insanity that the NHL's been giving us would be nice. The All-Star break couldn't have come at a better time.

Also, for some reason this week I kept coming up with reasons to say "peanut butter jelly time."

PLUS

+ Obviously, the biggest plus has to go to Saku Koivu. You may have read our tribute to him over at All Habs, whose Saku coverage was unrivaled. As expected, I got a bit emotional just seeing him on my TV again. Dave Stubbs had this to say on Twitter about the way his return was handled:

Upon reflection, I'm very disappointed in how #Habs handled it... Habs usually shine in these tribute things, but they totally fumbled Koivu's return... Beyond offering a room for Friday media talk & showing him on scoreboard, Habs virtually ignored Koivu's return... Surely a Koivu video tribute at some point? Surely a Habs sponsor would have given a scoreboard ad spot or two? Fans were tremendous. Koivu leaves Montreal feeling huge love and respect of Habs fans... Koivu, simply, is not merely another returning player. He was heart & soul of Habs for a decade... Anyway, that's how I feel. Wish they'd done a little more to recognize a man who was part of Montreal's fabric.

In a way, I agree with him. I would have loved for this to be treated like the big deal that it was, but I'm just glad Saku came back. Maybe it would have been out of character to suddenly treat Koivu like a saint, two years after this same organization neither offered him a contract renewal nor dealt with whichever media outlets tried to undermine his importance in this city. The Habs organization didn't try to create anything: they let the fans send the message. They simply altered their O Canada video: instead of showing only the vast landscapes, snowy peaks, and busy cities that make Canada great, they flashed back to Saku's return from cancer. And what more is there to say. (Lots, actually, but I have no idea how to put it into words. The good people at Kleenex should have sponsored this game.)
+ Max Pacioretty must have gone to the Josh Gorges School Of Playing Injured. I just hope he's actually okay to play, and not just letting his pride get the best of him.
+ That was a whole lot of goals against Ottawa. And not a whole lot of goals let in against the Sabres.
+ Ryan White was called up! I can't believe I didn't write a post about it, filled with complete nonsense and published so quickly I didn't even think of proofreading. I can't even tell you how excited I am to see him face the Flyers. (Provided, that is, that no one in Flyers management notices him. Don't even think about it, Philadelphia. I will take away all of your beer and cheese and friendly airport employees if you even consider taking Ryan White away. Don't test me.)

MINUS

What happened to me?

- Mike Komisarek punched a woman? (A Plus goes to the Leafs for taking him out of Montreal so we  wouldn't have to deal with this.)
- What is wrong with the Buffalo Sabres? Were they all possessed by the injury fairy?
- Curtis McElhinney, former backup to Miikka Kiprusoff, former impenetrable goalie, just became a father. What could be wrong with that, you ask? His daughter's name is Jaxen.
- Never thought I'd be giving a Minus to a class act like Nicklas Lidstrom, but what would possess him to name Patrick Kane as assistant captain of anything, unless he lost a bet?
- I'm a little sad that Jarome Iginla won't be playing in the All-Star Game, but really who can blame him? I hope he spends as much time with his family right now as he possibly can.
- Two soccer commentators in the UK made the stupidest comments about a female game official. I don't know if they think all linesmen are idiots or not, but by now they should at least be aware that women know about more than bearing children and cooking pot roasts. I hope these idiots get fired. (And this is me being nice about it.)

Well, at least I know this week won't be as eventful as last week. Right? Please say yes.

Dear injury fairy: you're a bitch

The injury fairy is angry. She's very angry. She's been messing with us big-time in the last couple of days. Maybe she just wanted to see how far she could go with the Canadiens. She's got a lot of bravado now that she managed to fell Sidney Crosby with a concussion. That was a pretty big get. Usually when she goes after the league's most important player, she makes him pull a muscle when he folds his own laundry, or something.

In case you're not up to speed, here's what happened during last night's game against the Buffalo Sabres at HSBC Arena: most of the Habs got injured and Patrick Kaleta is evil. Here, let a few of my Twitter friends fill in the blanks (I'm a little worried that Laura might sic the injury fairy on me, as she's the boss when it comes to Twitter screencaps):

I, of course, had a case of the maybes and tried to figure out why the injury fairy would do this to us, and what karma the Habs could have brought upon themselves. Karma's been especially mean to poor Max Pacioretty, who was sick, then got whaled on by Psycho Henrik Lundqvist, and now has suffered some damage to his ribs. Someone please keep an eye on him, to make sure he doesn't slip on the sidewalk or get a paper cut. Time to confess, Montreal Canadiens: What did you do?
Double-park somewhere?
Claim that Toronto or New York has better bagels than Montreal?
Tell Jacques Martin that his hair looked okay?
Watch Jay Leno at some point in the last year?
Go out into the Montreal cold without hats, scarves, or boots? Oh, wait...

...was it the "excessive" postgoal celebrations?

Well, whatever it was, the injury fairy decided to give the Habs an extra helping of hurt. And in doing so, she hurt my feelings. And the Kings lost, too. And I didn't win an Anze Kopitar autographed puck on Facebook. And then Jarome Iginla pulled out of the All-Star Game and was replaced by Daniel Briere.

Getting a little personal there, injury fairy. Maybe I'm the one who caused this. Are we cool now?

Plus/Minus gets chatty again

All-Stars, superheroes, surgeries, spin-o-ramas, and goalies doing gangsta poses. Did I write a hockey soap opera, or is this real life?

PLUS

+ Benoit Pouliot was good at hockey this week.
+ Carey Price is an All-Star! It made me so happy that at first I didn't even realize that Norris Trophy nominee Drew Doughty is not an All-Star. Quite a few All-Star guys that I'll be very happy to see on the ice together in two weeks. (I keep trying to choose my ideal winger for the Sedin twins, and can't decide!)
+ Alex Auld is pretty great against the Rangers. It's not just luck.
+ Dwayne Roloson's new mask (you know, for his Tampa Bay Lightning job that he unfortunately stole from Cédrick) is one of the nicest goalie masks in the NHL.
+ I think my New York Jets may just have won a playoff game. I might be imagining it, though.
+ Despite the fact that I'm not his biggest fan, I'm giving Aaron Sorkin a Plus for giving me a new catchphrase at the Golden Globes: "Smart girls have more fun."

MINUS

You guys should follow @kuyaz on Twitter just because he makes things like this sometimes.

- No, Marc-Andre Fleury, I didn't think your little pose was playful and fun. I might have thought that if you weren't such a massive douchetard, but them's the breaks.
- Gotta admit, I'm kind of squeamish, so I'm not always in the mood to see injuries and scars and stuff. I tried to avoid seeing pictures of the surgery scar on Andrei Markov's knee, but it was right there on the Habs Inside/Out homepage. Not cool, guys. It hurts me enough to remember that my favourite Hab is injured.
- I'm pretty sure I've made some variation on this rant at least once already this season: who let Mike Cammalleri get sick? You're telling me that one of the NHL's most profitable teams doesn't have money for Purell or to pay people to walk around holding up sneezeguards in front of players?
- Is there anyone left in this universe who still likes PK Subban? Poor rookie has haters all over the place. You'd think Matt Cooke started sending out blank cheques. (PS: This week I found out what a slew foot is... and seriously, THAT'S one of the dirtiest moves in hockey? Whose grandparents decided this? Was PK's slew foot on Dubinsky just a weak example, or was I not watching closely enough? Because I've seen way worse, both from NHL players and from girls at weddings trying to catch the bouquet.)
- Dear every player in the NHL: Maybe you didn't get my last memo, but there's a limit to corporate sponsorships and endorsement deals, ok? I know some of you don't listen to me, but it's one thing to endorse a company whose products you believe in and they send you free stuff, but it's another to have logos and company names splashed across your clothes or to show up in every other commercial I see. And yes, I'll keep telling you this until I get what I want. Okay? Okay. Thanks. Sincerely, Rookie.
- Henrik Lundqvist: You know what you did.

NEITHER A PLUS NOR A MINUS
Spin-o-ramas during shootouts. A skater should be allowed to do whatever he wants as he skates up to the net, because, after all, shootouts are there for our entertainment. (If they weren't, there would still be more than five minutes of overtime.) There's a limit, though, and as much as I love Mason Raymond he showed me what that limit is this week. I'm sorry, MayRay, but you shouldn't commit goalie interference with your butt.

AND STAY TUNED FOR
This is a shameless plug, because I never know what I'll say on the radio but I sometimes know what I'll be writing about, so I might as well promote what I can control. A Plus to this week's SNL Digital Short, which I'll write about soon for BetterWithPopcorn.com, and a Minus to our NHL Guardian, the Canadien, which I'll snark on soon for AllHabs.net.

In Which I Dethrone King Henrik

I missed last night's game against the Rangers, and only saw a few tweets about the game so I didn't know much about what went on. Basically all I knew was that the Habs won and that Henrik Lundqvist got booed. Not much of a surprise there, right? The Canadiens are perfectly capable of winning a game against the Rangers, and Montreal fans love booing goalies. (There was no such treatment of Marc-André Fleury this week, and that's a mystery I'll need help solving.)

Clearly, I didn't know what had gone down. (No pun intended.)


This isn't something I normally would have admitted to, but for some reason I sorta liked Lundqvist. He's a pretty good goaltender, and on many occasions I've found myself biting my tongue when I see his highlights. I wouldn't have wanted anyone to know that I'd probably admit to actually liking him as a goalie if he didn't play for the Rangers, one of the teams I hate the most.
Two years ago, I put him on my All-Star ballot a few times just because I wanted to be able to see him play without having to see the rest of his team on the ice. Best of both worlds, right?
When I saw the Rangers play the Tampa Bay Lightning on New Year's Day, I thanked the hockey gods that Cédrick Desjardins was in net for Tampa. It wouldn't have made sense if the team I was booing was backed up by a goalie I liked, and the team I wanted to win had Dan Ellis in net. (In case you didn't know, I'm not a fan of Dan Ellis. Some people say I was one of the people who scared him off Twitter, but that's not really true.)
It wasn't even because at first I wasn't sure if you pronounce the letter V in his name or not, which would have made it hard to boo him.

So, I guess I should thank Lundqvist for proving he's completely batshit insane. Max Pacioretty crashed into him, yes. Did he do it on purpose? Didn't look that way to me. Sure, no one wants another player to wipe out in front of them, but I'm sure this same thing has happened - many times - to every goalie in the NHL. Usually, though, the goalie doesn't pick himself back up and go after the guy who wiped out. People went to the Bell Centre for a hockey game last night, and a bear attack broke out. I can understand that being a goalie is mentally difficult and you don't want anyone to mess with you or what you're doing. The only excuse Lundqvist could have had is that Pacioretty's skate blade came a little too close for comfort, especially if it reached his calf, but no one's said anything about that happening. So as of right now, it appears that either Pacioretty is an awful human being or Lundqvist is crazy and maybe can't control his anger. I think the latter is more likely.

Boo all you want, Habs fans. I'll join in. Henrik Lundqvist is dead to me.