Plus/Minus: Maybe not such a well-oiled machine

Earlier this week, I watched my all-time favourite Jeopardy contestant, Ken Jennings, lose a Jeopardy tournament to a supercomputer. (Yes, I love Jeopardy, deal with it.) It was bizarre. The whole thing was won by a computer, with no face, no feelings, and an inhuman thought process. It was just as crushing as watching the Canadiens lose this week. But just a little bit scarier.

PLUS

+ I know his options were limited, but it really says something that Jacques Martin put Tom Pyatt in the shootout against Buffalo. Pyatt hasn't exactly wowed anyone this season, and you'd think a coach like Martin would want him out of the way, but he threw Pyatt a bone. Maybe it'll just take a little more for him to put some points on the board this season.
+ Congrats to the Old Habs on beating the Old Flames at the alumni game!
+ Mike Cammalleri is back!
+ Paul Mara's beard!
+ Hat tricks: Devin Setoguchi helped the Sharks to a win and Neil Young (no joke, it was actually Neil Young, I swear) applauded him. And Taylor Hall had a natural hat trick, which as I learned this week is even fancier than a regular hat trick.

+ My favourite non-hockey sporting event of the year, the NBA All-Star Skills Competition, did not disappoint. It was flashy and over-the-top and famous people were there and Cee-Lo performed. Also, the slam dunk competition was so good that I am literally unable to choose my favourite dunk. I can't even give advantage to everyone's favourite basketball player Blake Griffin. (A Minus within this Plus goes to Michael Jordan... c'mon man, I know you're the greatest that ever lived, but don't text during the dunk competition!)
+ Just when I started getting jealous of the NBA All-Star Weekend for its multitude of relevant musical acts, the Heritage Classic busts out Metric as the live entertainment between the 2nd and 3rd periods. Thank you, universe. And this, just one week after the other best band in Canada won Album of the Year at the Grammys.

MINUS

- I looked forward to the Heritage Classic because two teams that I like very much were going to play outdoors. It turns out only one of those teams played. What happened, Habs?
- 2 I might be sad that the Canadiens didn't do enough in Calgary, but I would never disrespect them like some people did. First, there was François Gagnon on Twitter, complaining about the American anthem being performed at an all-Canadian game. I'm not saying his whining was unfounded, just a little excessive, especially for a professional journalist who should probably have known that they were going to sing it. It's as if there wasn't a hockey game after the anthems were performed. And then, I saw people who had spent time and money to get to McMahon Stadium, to see what I'd consider a once-in-a-lifetime hockey game, and they LEAVE EARLY. Unless all those people were in danger of frostbite, they should be ashamed. A real fan will watch their team, win or lose.
- I loved everything on CBC leading up to the Heritage Classic, except for the complete lack of imagination on the part of whoever set a montage to the Requiem for a Dream music. Really? REALLY? You think you're the first person to think of that?
- The Canadiens lost to the Buffalo Sabres and I can't even blame Ryan Miller for it? That just makes me sad.
- File James Wisniewski's puck-to-face incident under "Things That Should Have Happened To Sean Avery."
- Patrick Kane parties like nobody's watching and dresses poorly while doing so. Never change, Patrick Kane, never change.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be bracing myself for the Canucks game on Tuesday.

While I was out

(Posted because I've had a couple things to say and hadn't blogged them, and also because poor Czechtacular is still recovering from the Habs and Oilers playing against each other in the same game.)

The return of Paul Mara's Beard! You may or may not know that this is very exciting news for me, because why should the NHL's best beard live in California? Plus, Mara probably made Ryan Getzlaf feel really inadequate about his own ability to grow hair. The Mara trade story broke literally fifteen minutes after I went to bed the other day, proving that the news just hates me. Things always happen to the Habs right after I turn off the TV or computer, or the only day of the week that I work overtime, and now apparently also in my sleep. Thanks, Pierre Gauthier, I appear to be the only person happy about Paul Mara's beard and you wait until the middle of the night to buy him back.

The curse of the "western swing." Unfortunately for me, I live in a house with people who aren't horrified by the concept of watching dance-based reality shows, so I'm pretty sure "western swing" is some type of music. But there's usually no reason to dance when the Habs show up in the Western provinces at this time of year. Last night, the Habs gave up two goals in fifteen seconds then didn't reciprocate. Oh, and James Wisniewski's face got broken. Everyone was disappointed in the team, even though they JUST LANDED in a different time zone. Does no one remember two years ago? The Canadiens surrendered like seven goals to the Oilers (minus this year's magic rookie crop) when we all could have been watching this unfold live:

It was arguably the best celebrity crazy moment of the last couple years, and I chose to watch the Habs crumble instead. (Save your arguments about Lady Gaga in an egg, because if it turns out that his Young Pheezy rapper alter ego was just a cover and Joaquin Phoenix is Lady Gaga, I'll hate to say I told you so.)

Luckily this time around I taped my NBC comedies and the Habs only gave up three goals to the Oilers, so all I missed was Justin Bieber getting shot on CSI. I can live with that, because "watching Justin Bieber get shot" involves "watching Justin Bieber."

We've got to count our blessings, Habs fans. We can't be all doom and gloom, mere days before the Heritage Classic! Come on.

Team Rookie and Team Czechtacular keep handing out jerseys

(Those jerseys, by the way, have yet to be designed, but one would probably have a Czech crest on it and the other a cat. Go ahead and guess which is which.)

If you haven't read Part 1, and you certainly had time to during our extended technical difficulties, you should do that now. It'll give you a better idea of who we picked so far and how careful we are not to step on each other's toes. Not. So we're at round 11:

Team Rookie's eleventh pick:
Saku Koivu. His selection is somewhat due to leftover Koivu nostalgia from last week. We miss him.

Team Czechtacular's eleventh pick:
Henrik Lundqvist. Okay, maybe I won't need too much help in goal. Or in the GQ department.

Team Rookie's twelfth pick:
P.K. Subban. Others hate him. We love him. He's fast, enthusiastic, energetic, and flashy. He would rock the skills competition and bring some actual defence to the game. And maybe, by the end of the weekend, everyone else will love him too. And I will say I told you so.

Team Czechtacular's twelfth pick:
Everyone seems to forget about the existence of Brad Richards. That's sort of how I roll, so I believe I will go with the 6th-best scorer in the league, thank you.

Team Rookie's thirteenth pick:
RICK NASH!!!! I'm sorry, that happens every time I mention him. I'm a big fan and we Montrealers rarely get to see him. I looked up his stats and he's having a great season! How are the Blue Jackets not having a better season with a captain like this?

Team Czechtacular's thirteenth pick:
Nick Lidstrom's got a tough job ahead of him in that he's one of the guys doing the picking tonight, so he can take it easy now. [Rookie: dammit! I wish I had picked him]

Team Rookie's fourteenth pick:
Anze Kopitar. He's really good at hockey.

Team Czechtacular's fourteenth pick:
To be the Lidstrom of the forwards, Mark Recchi. Plus 32 points is none too shabby for the oldest guy in the league.

Team Rookie's fifteenth pick:
Brian Gionta. Gotta show the captain some love.

Team Czechtacular's fifteenth pick:
Dan Boyle, because i now have the added knowledge that he can hit even the tiniest of nets.

Team Rookie's sixteenth pick:
Jonathan Ericsson. It turns out I know very little about defencemen, but Ericsson usually catches my attention during the playoffs. While I don't buy into this whole "represent every team" kindergarten bullcrap, I'd feel weird not having a Detroit Red Wing on my team. (Valtteri came close to making Team Rookie but was ultimately cut.)

Team Czechtacular's sixteenth pick:
Adrian Aucoin, for an all-Ottawa blueline. Also because his +18 remains unaffected for the balance of this game.

Team Rookie's seventeenth pick:
Shea Weber. He was given this spot at the last minute, since we reached this round in our draft exactly as he was being picked on TV. He's a Team Canada superstar and a friend of Josh Gorges. He had to be on this team.

Team Czechtacular's seventeenth pick:
Erik Karlsson. Because he, too, was on TV during this round. I want to see him play with Yandle. I think he can yandle it.

Team Rookie's eighteenth pick:
Matt Duchene. I was ecstatic that he was named an All-Star this year, he deserves it, he's had a great season and he's so adorably awkward. I love it when players I pick at random (like I did with Duchene around the time he was drafted) turn out to be good.

Team Czechtacular's eighteenth pick:
Jakub Voracek. To be a friend to Derick Brassard.

Team Rookie's nineteenth pick:
Niklas Hjalmarsson. Some people think it's because I've learned to pronounce his name instead of being scared of it, but he's coming off a stanley cup win, and I googled his numbers and they're good.

Team Czechtacular's nineteenth pick:
Our newest Twitter darling Ryan Jones. He has the duality of being a hard worker and epic commentator in between proceedings, especially in the skills competition. He also has great hockey flow, which is always appreciated in these things. I think PK was proof of that tonight.

Team Rookie's twentieth pick:
My boy, because I met him once, Joe Pavelski: Dynamite in last year's playoffs, keeping a decent pace this season, and I just couldn't not pick him.

Team Czechtacular's twentieth pick:
Teemu Selanne, because he and Saku should be at an All-Star Game together, even if they're on opposing teams.

Team Rookie's twenty-first pick:
So I was looking at defenceman standings, expecting to realize I'd completely forgotten someone on some sun-belt team who's great at defence and who I love very much, and you know who I see is pretty good compared to the rest of the league? James Wisniewski. Yeah.

Team Czechtacular's twenty-first pick:
Am I Kesselling someone? I pick Vladimir Sobotka because he will hit people in an all star game. He's the David Backes of our version.

Just to make the goalies sweat it out a little, we went with an all-goalie last round.

Team Rookie's twenty-second pick:
For my last goalie, I gotta go with my boy Roberto Luongo. Yes, that's right, Luongo is my boy, even moreso than Pavelski. For some reason the Internet doesn't like him, but his save percentage is good and I like him and it's my team.

Team Czechtacular's twenty-second pick:
Ilya Bryzgalov. I picked him first in all my hockey pools this season and wanted to see how much he liked being picked last. Unfortunately, I don't have a car to give him.


If we had any footage of Matt Duchene making awkward jokes while eagerly waiting to be picked, we'd share it, but there's no way we'd even be able to get these guys in a room together.

Dear injury fairy: you're a bitch

The injury fairy is angry. She's very angry. She's been messing with us big-time in the last couple of days. Maybe she just wanted to see how far she could go with the Canadiens. She's got a lot of bravado now that she managed to fell Sidney Crosby with a concussion. That was a pretty big get. Usually when she goes after the league's most important player, she makes him pull a muscle when he folds his own laundry, or something.

In case you're not up to speed, here's what happened during last night's game against the Buffalo Sabres at HSBC Arena: most of the Habs got injured and Patrick Kaleta is evil. Here, let a few of my Twitter friends fill in the blanks (I'm a little worried that Laura might sic the injury fairy on me, as she's the boss when it comes to Twitter screencaps):

I, of course, had a case of the maybes and tried to figure out why the injury fairy would do this to us, and what karma the Habs could have brought upon themselves. Karma's been especially mean to poor Max Pacioretty, who was sick, then got whaled on by Psycho Henrik Lundqvist, and now has suffered some damage to his ribs. Someone please keep an eye on him, to make sure he doesn't slip on the sidewalk or get a paper cut. Time to confess, Montreal Canadiens: What did you do?
Double-park somewhere?
Claim that Toronto or New York has better bagels than Montreal?
Tell Jacques Martin that his hair looked okay?
Watch Jay Leno at some point in the last year?
Go out into the Montreal cold without hats, scarves, or boots? Oh, wait...

...was it the "excessive" postgoal celebrations?

Well, whatever it was, the injury fairy decided to give the Habs an extra helping of hurt. And in doing so, she hurt my feelings. And the Kings lost, too. And I didn't win an Anze Kopitar autographed puck on Facebook. And then Jarome Iginla pulled out of the All-Star Game and was replaced by Daniel Briere.

Getting a little personal there, injury fairy. Maybe I'm the one who caused this. Are we cool now?

What a game. (Plus/Minus in disguise.)

It's a Plus/Minus, a "happy new year," and a "what I did on vacation" all rolled into one. That's just how I do.
I'd like to thank Czechtacular again for writing Plus/Minus last week. You all didn't even have a chance to miss me!

PLUS

+ The Outback Bowl was my first live football game ever. Ever. What a game. I've never seen so much team merchandise in my life. There were literally three people in all of Raymond James Stadium who were not dressed for the occasion. Everyone else was decked out in team colours, a sea of navy-and-white and blue-and-orange split right down the middle. I've never seen such intense fan loyalty to a coach. I've never seen marching bands like that. I want every sport to have marching bands.

+ I had to play catch-up and watch the Winter Classic on DVR. What a game. Playing in primetime, under the lights, was amazing. It looked so dramatic. It proved that sports aren't about individual players, but rather teams. I can see a Penguins-Capitals rivalry stemming from this, rather than the team's captains having fought it out for a Rookie of the Year title five years ago. And Dan Bylsma's old-school fedora and stadium jacket will probably stand as my favourite coach outfit of the year... or maybe the decade. Go ahead, Jacques Martin, try to outdress him.

+ Cédrick Desjardins almost had a shutout in his second NHL game, and I got to witness it. He was great. What a game. My favourite part of it was booing the New York Rangers. (My second-favourite part was seeing how Guy Boucher coaches his team. Czechtacular can attest to what he did in the Q. We've all seen the results of his one season in the AHL. He's still got that fire as an NHL coach. The Bolts have incredible work ethic and discipline.)

+ I also went to my first-ever basketball game, and a great team effort buoyed the Orlando Magic to a win over the Golden State Warriors (yeah, I didn't know they existed either). What a game. I know Montreal will never be an NBA city, but I kind of wish it were. I like live sporting events in general, but I enjoyed live basketball so much more than I thought I would!

I made the same face at the exact same time

+ How about that eleventh-hour comeback against the Bruins on Saturday? I say it again: What a game. I can't remember the last time I screamed so loud. (Then the Jets won their playoff game, literally at the last second. It took so much out of me that I didn't even make it to the end of the LA Kings game or Saturday Night Live.)

+ Um, so it turns out that we really like James Wisniewski. I left for five days, and he was a superstar by the time my plane landed in Montreal. My confusion didn't last long: the guy's a great addition to the team, and he seems to love being a Canadien.
+ Jack Johnson is going to be a Los Angeles King forever! I don't usually play armchair GM but locking him down mid-season was a good idea.

MINUS

- Have I already mentioned that I'm too sad to talk about Josh Gorges?
- Steven Stamkos didn't score a goal for me on New Year's Day. And he hasn't scored since. He's goalless in 2011, which might actually be worse news than the fact that the entire city of Tampa is sold out of Stamkos T-shirts.
- Carrie Underwood says she'll never come back to Montreal after her car was broken into when she came here. So many things wrong with that: Cars get broken into everywhere. Her husband comes here sometimes for work, and it's the closest awesome metropolis that Ottawa has. Everyone was all whiny and said they didn't want her in Montreal anyway if she said something like that. Meanwhile, I can't help but wonder when was she in town and why didn't I know about this? Carrie Underwood kicks ass, you guys. I mean, uh, whatever, who cares, Taylor Swift is so much better.
- Mike Cammalleri might be sick. That's not cool, you guys. Here's hoping he comes back rarin' to go.

- Tom Kostopoulos, shouldn't you know better by now than to hit a dude out of nowhere? No? Okay, that's what I thought. We still love you, though. Don't ever change. (Except, like, try not to break a dude's jaw next time.)
- Thoughts and prayers to the family of NHL and AHL player Tom Cavanagh, whose death was tragic and unexpected.

Did I miss something? I probably did. The first ten days of 2011 have been pretty eventful.

Czechtacular attempts Plus/Minus

Happy New Year for reals, now. Don't do anything I wouldn't do in 2011. Also note that I haven't as of yet figured out what I am doing in 2011.

So how does this work? Is this thing even on? Time for me to tap at the microphone here.

PLUS

+ A win to end the year. And what's that thing they always say? Something about how you end the year is how you'll be spending the next one...? Lots of hope for that.

+ James Wisniewski and the fact that if he continues playing like he has since he was acquired, less people will have to Google how his name is actually spelled.

+ David Desharnais is here! So what if it's a mini-plus? He led the AHL in points when he was called up. Post-its for everyone! (If you don't know what that means, clearly you don't have a repertoire of ingenious sign ideas for Hamilton games.)

+ A hard-fought game to kick off 2011. Overtime bites, it really does. Hell, I'm still shaking my fist at Dustin Penner. But despite running head-first into a hot goalie in Ondrej Pavelec the Habs did throw the kitchen sink at him. Just ask...

+ Brian Gionta, who took nine shots on goal and got the goal that sent the game into extra time in the first place.

+ Carey Price wins the Molson Cup! Again!

+2 Team Canada moves on to face the USA in the WJC semi-finals. Louis Leblanc scored in Sunday's 4-1 victory over Switzerland.

MINUS

This just about sums it all up.

- In four games played this week the Habs scored six goals.

-2 Josh Gorges on the IR.

- Habs' fans were treated to a litany of missed chances and the accompanyment of bruised vocal chords that came with each and every single one.

- Overtime bites, it really does.

- Another late-period goal was scored by Atlanta yesterday afternoon. Those are like nails on a chalkboard.

-3 No wins and certainly no tans were acquired over the Florida roadie. Also, Cedrick Desjardins is back in the AHL now, but that first win was against the team that dealt him, wasn't it?

-4 The Winter Classic was late, not great, was thought to be presided over by The Weather Network rather than sports' channels, and those stuck watching NBC and their odd camera angles were heading to their barf bags more than usual the day after New Year's Eve.

- @StevenHindle pointing out "Although no longer with the team, Georges Laraque still collects $2,688 from the #Habs every single day of the 2010 regular season. #ezmoney"

- The other Team Canada lost the Spengler Cup to SKA St. Petersburg.

NEITHER A PLUS NOR A MINUS

? Lapierre moves on. It probably didn't take rocket science to figure out some move was coming, but here's hoping that a change of scenery will allow him to grow into a different kind of role, maybe one that involves less muck and sandpaper (even if we all know that character did wonders for him these past playoffs).