NHL TV Characters for the 2011-12 Season

(Bleacher Report kinda-sorta-maybe beat me to this already. And obviously their version will get more hits than mine due to the fact that most of their other stories are about hot ladies or something. Maybe I should try posting sexy man pictures in an attempt to be all cheeky and turn the tables on them.)

The hockey season is starting. The TV season is starting.
It's a great time to compare a few hockey players to TV characters. I wish I would have done this every year, because "Jonathan Toews is totally Doogie Howser!" doesn't seem as fresh as it would have a couple of seasons ago.

Mike Richards is Will from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

If I were really and truly dedicated to my craft, I would have re-written all the words to the full version of this song, flown to Philly and LA, and filmed a video. But I decided to spend my summer making money instead of blowing it on a music video about Mike Richards because I probably still hate Mike Richards.
But if you think about it, the premise is the same. Guy gets booted out of Philly because "a couple of guys were up to no good" and gets a second chance in California, which could not be a more different environment for him. The only difference here: those couple of guys, up to no good? Yeah, Richards was one of them.
To be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing the tables turned with a sitcom based on Wayne Simmonds' trade from sunny Cali to angry Philly, with a supporting cast of teammates who aren't Drew Doughty. Be honest - you'd totally watch that show too.

Brad Richards is Liz Lemon from 30 Rock

He lives in Manhattan. He's arguably the linchpin of what would otherwise be a mediocre organization. (Keep in mind that TGS With Tracy Jordan's greatest accomplishment is an Emmy... Magazine cover story and that the Rangers have missed the playoffs in 4 out of the last 10 seasons.) He's surrounded by some pretty interesting characters. I'd say Sean Avery's craziness is equal parts Jack, Jenna, and Tracy. Erik Christensen is The Head and Brandon Prust is The Hair. I could go on. With one exception...

Sidney Crosby is Rachel Dratch's Characters From 30 Rock

We used to see him every week, but now, not so much.

Roberto Luongo is Jerry from Parks and Recreation

In the words of his co-worker Ron Swanson: "A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel of our office." Everyone makes jokes at Jerry's expense. Poor Bobby Lu just can't go a week without somebody ragging on him.

P.K. Subban and Hal Gill are basically any hourlong cable dramedy about buddies

They're hilarious on their own, yes, but somehow, for all their differences, they complete each other. Like Franklin and Bash. Or the Lawson brothers from Royal Pains. Or Gus and Shawn from Psych. They're both funny, they work well together, and they have the perfect love-hate relationship. They're the ultimate buddy pairing - why watch them on their own when you can watch them together?

NOT A PLAYER BUT:
Jacques Martin is Nucky Thompson from Boardwalk Empire

You look at him and think, "That guy in the weird-coloured suit is the most powerful man in town?" You have trouble believing it, but if you only knew...

An NHL Sorting Hat

I've been in major Harry Potter mode since visiting The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in January. That overlapped with the hockey season. Now, the last movie is coming out, I'm re-reading Deathly Hallows, and I'm in minor hockey withdrawal.

Instead of suspensions, maybe the NHL should just remove points from each team.

So, of course, I joined nerd-forces with my friend Laura from The Active Stick and wodered which Hogwarts houses some NHL players would be Sorted into. (No rhyming Sorting Hat song, though, sorry.)

MAX PACIORETTY: You've been through many injuries and many trials this year... Lots of grace under fire, and more than enough bravery. GRYFFINDOR!

ZDENO CHARA: Quite a bit of skill, I see... And you just won the Stanley Cup, so we know you're capable of great things. I see a lot of selfish anger inside you. (Plus I know what you did to Max Pacioretty.) SLYTHERIN! And take your team with you!

SAKU KOIVU: Boundless patience, good character, and a nice amount of talent... You've survived so much adversity, so clearly there's a lot of courage there. The choice is obvious... GRYFFINDOR!

Habs red + Ducks yellow/gold/beige/browncolour = Gryffindor?
WE MISS YOU, SAKU!

MARTIN ST. LOUIS: You've won many trophies, and you've helped a young teammate achieve great success. You appear to be humble enough, and you love your team... HUFFLEPUFF!

RICK NASH: Neville Longbottom, is that you? Trying to get Sorted again, I see. There's no need to doubt the Sorting Hat. GRYFFINDOR!

JAMES WISNIEWSKI: Smart, very smart... You're able to adapt to new surroundings very easily, I see. You look out for your teammates but you never forget to do what's best for yourself. Hmm... RAVENCLAW!

BROOKS LAICH: A good heart. Lots of talent as well. I seem to recall a story where you helped your fans, rather than thinking about yourself... You're very brave. And smart. Very smart, in fact. No, not Slytherin. Never Slytherin. There's too much goodness and loyalty in you. HUFFLEPUFF!

SHANE DOAN: HUFFLEPUFF! (I imagine this would happen just as quickly as when Draco Malfoy was Sorted into Slytherin.)

DANY HEATLEY: It appears that you cannot stay loyal to any one team. SLYTHERIN!

JONATHAN TOEWS: Very talented, I see. You're a great leader... Excellent reasoning, a sharp mind, and wit to match... RAVENCLAW!

ALEXANDER OVECHKIN: So much talent... and so much pride as well. You're smart on the ice, I see. But where to put you? You love your teammates, but not quite as much as you love yourself. SLYTHERIN!

BRAD RICHARDS: I'm just going through the motions. You've already decided what house you're in, so I don't need to say anything, do I?


Thoughts on whether there are any Bruins who don't belong in Slytherin, whether or not P.K. Subban is Gilderoy Lockhart with actual talent, and the awesomeness of a real-life National Quidditch League are welcome in the comments section.

Top 5: Now that summer's over...

On Wednesday evening, we sat down to the first Canadiens game in months, hoping to forget all of our offseason boredom by finally seeing our Habs again. Instead, we were forced into another few hours of booing and negativity towards Carey Price, and a slow start on the part of our skaters. And what we're hoping isn't another Latendresse story with the premature canonization of Louis Leblanc. (What? Someone had to say it.)

All it did was remind me of everything I didn't like about the summer.

Top 5 Things That Sucked About The 2010 Offseason

1. Free agents. I know that discussing who should stay and who should go is supposed to be fun, but it's not always. We lost Halak. And Metro. And Moore. And Sergei. And Mara. And Mara's beard. They've all moved on to interesting new teams, but I valued them as Habs and it sucks to let them go. I'm still trying to move on, much in the same way that I've advised others to do... but what's going to happen to Mara's beard in sunny Anaheim?


2. Not enough summer love. I feel like last year, after the Penguins won the Cup, NHL fans were subjected treated to The Summer Of Crosby. Kid was all over the news: we saw him take the Cup all over the Eastern Seaboard, we watched him blow out his birthday candles, we asked him about the Olympics... heck, even his mom got her time in the sun, and I had almost forgot he even had a mom. This summer? Sure, the Blackhawks won the Cup, but 2010 felt like a weak sequel to the Summer Of Crosby. I was hoping it would be the Summer Of Toews, but apparently naming a lake after him was a cardinal sin and the wedding is off. Maybe the Summer Of Keith, what with his Stanley Cup, Norris Trophy, and gold medal, but I still know nothing new about Duncan Keith. And then most of the Blackhawks got traded and the world was confused. Sorry, everyone hoping for a new boy of summer.

3. Not enough shocking controversy. I'm sorry, but if you think causing a stir on Twitter is interesting enough to make you headline news, you're mistaken. Paul Bissonette's inappropriate first run at Twitter and Dan Ellis' spoiled whining just weren't as illuminating as, say, a tell-all book or an arrest. (I guess that's why we have Khabibulin?) Okay, yes, the whole Toews Lake thing, but even that wasn't particularly offensive or shocking. Since no summer scandal was big enough for me this year, can I keep making jokes about Patrick Kane and taxis?

4. Some stories never end. I've been told that the Ilya Kovalchuk contract story is over, but I'm having trouble believing it. And we all know how long it took to sign Carey Price. It feels like endless contract negotiations were the biggest story of the summer, probably contributing to the lack of Toews excess/general controversy. Because of that, I'm just a tad less interested in seeing Kovalchuk play, and as we saw on Wednesday, the Price haters are still singing the same song.

5. No hockey. Yeah, I know, that was an obvious one. But completely true, right? It got to the point that I even missed players and teams that weren't the Canadiens. My visit to the Staples Center last year made me miss the Kings. I woke up one morning a few weeks ago wondering when I'd see Drew Doughty play again. It was strange.

Anyway, Game 2 is on, so my offseason woes are no more.

The Twitter Saga: it never ends.

(If you need more info about the opinions swirling about this Dan Ellis Twitter mess, read this and this.)

So, last night I wrote about Dan Ellis quitting Twitter. As soon as I was done, I went to bed, since it was late and I wanted to be up early. When I checked my Twitter feed around mid-morning, I was kind of surprised by what I found.

"So let me get this straight. 

Since I went to bed last night, I've become a villain for causing Dan Ellis to quit Twitter."

That's the only thing I could say about this situation: there was a sudden backlash overnight against everyone who apparently drove Dan Ellis away. I could go on and on about this situation, as many people have. Instead of using social media as a way to get closer to his fans, Ellis alienated some of them by talking about class differences (poor little rich boy). The fans then used the same medium to voice their own opinions, but the fact that Ellis is one person, and the people who reacted probably numbered in the thousands, made it seem like bullying.

Thus, many mainstream journalists took Ellis' side. They've probably met him in real life, and I'm sure he's a nice person, but he clearly lacks the tact to deal with the situation he got himself into, and that's the problem. After Ellis decided to quit Twitter, he became a victim. A bunch of people who simply reacted when provoked committed the crime of shaking a professional athlete's confidence and it was out of line.

But it's not out of line, for some reason, that an entire city ganged up on Carey Price at every opportune moment. The mainstream media agreed with (and/or influenced) the masses in that situation, so there was nothing wrong with it. I'm not saying that tweeters didn't affect Ellis, but if he couldn't handle the reactions he elicited, all he had to do was avoid reading them. It's a little bit harder when you're getting booed at work, or being stopped on the street just to be told that you suck, or having to defend yourself to a horde of reporters. The mainstream media finally saw things Carey Price's way when he was booed for being named third star of the game, late in the season. No one cared when he said that the only newspaper he can't read about himself in is USA Today, and no one even tried to debate Jack Todd after Todd wrote multiple columns about the exact same thing. It's a double standard.

Fans shouldn't turn their backs on players. I took part in the roasting of Dan Ellis, but it was all in fun. I didn't think I'd suddenly be the bad guy. But I still think that players - and journalists - shouldn't turn their backs on fans.

And with that said, I promise to be a bit less serious. I know it's been a heavy couple of blog posts!

Carey Price signs!

Dear everybody who found us by Googling "Has Carey Price signed yet": finally, we have an answer for you. Yes he has. We've got him locked down for two years and if you're complaining about two years, just think about how many morons would have complained if it was a long-term contract.

(And to the person who googled "has carry price signed yet"... I hope you found some other things to read in the meantime, like the team's roster.)

I wasn't able to hear the conference call live, but thanks to Habs Inside/Out it's available for streaming. According to Carey, the rumours of him being on strike are completely untrue. No other major revelations: he's happy to be back, he's been training, he wanted a short-term contract, and he's coming into this season with more lessons learned. Like a lot of us, he wasn't sure if he or Halak would return to Montreal.

It's kind of strange to finally see this finally happen. I know I said I'd run out of patience and things to do, and longed for this day to come but now I have no idea what to do with myself.

My original idea for this post, a fictional phone conversation between Carey and Josh Gorges, was already written by JT over at The H Does Not Stand For Habs a couple of hours before I even started writing it out. Go read hers, it's probably funnier than mine would have been.

So here's my contribution: a very cheesy pop song, that we love anyway because apparently Gwen Stefani is in town and let's be honest, none of us are cooler than Gwen Stefani.

Little distractions

So, it's September 1st, Carey Price hasn't signed yet, and the rumours are swirling about why that is. I don't even want to comment on the idea that he might be on strike, because someone created a firestorm out of one tweet by a journalist who isn't known for breaking rumours like this, and as usual Price is considered guilty until proven innocent. Any further opinion on the matter would just be more frustration and run-on sentences.

In other news, it still feels like the offseason in Montreal because it's so hot outside. Almost unbearably hot. Like, buy a frozen treat and start sweating as soon as it's finished hot. This heat wave alone should convince people that the STM needs to find an affordable way to air-condition buses and metros. At least it's helping to distract me from this Carey Price drama.

I was reminded of a video I watched earlier this summer. So, instead of thinking about a BC-born goalie and the Montreal heat, let yourself be distracted by a Montreal-born goalie in the BC heat. It's a short little lol.




And since that video is only fifteen seconds long, if you're still bored here's some Cat Empire you can use as background while you make yourself some ridiculously oversized rum-based drink to enjoy outdoors. (Song starts about 35 seconds into the video)

Why Pierre Gauthier hasn't signed Carey Price yet

So recently, two blogs that we read a lot, The Active Stick and The H Does Not Stand For Habs, have made lists of reasons why Carey Price hasn't signed a new contract. Now, they're both quite funny, but it takes two to contract tango, right? Where's Gauthier in all this? And are there any jokes about Carey Price that haven't already been made? (And do I really want to knock the only goalie I have left?)

So over the last few days I've been pondering why Pierre Gauthier hasn't been able to make it work. Here's what I've come up with:

He didn't think anyone would notice.

When confronted, Gauthier answered "That's not my job. Wait... what do you mean, 'yes it is'?"

He's been really busy making picks for his So You Think You Can Dance pool.

Packing his bags for Tampa Bay. He may not get to be GM, because nobody is cooler than Steve Yzerman, but that's where all the cool kids are going.

I mean, look at that sweater!

I don't want to alarm anyone, but I have a theory that Pierre Gauthier might be a vampire. (You know, the evil kind. Not one of those sparkly imitation-vampires.) It's summer. Work and extended sunlight don't mix, especially when work involves thinking about delicious goalie blood.

Bob Gainey's on vacation, and Gauthier's too scared to make a decision by himself. He hasn't even been to Starbucks since the last time he saw Bob, because he can never decide between a grande and a venti.

...and he REALLY needs the caffeine.

He keeps trying to insert a salary bonus into Price's contract, dependent on Carey growing out his hair again. This clause keeps getting rejected by Price, his agent, and everyone with two properly functioning eyes.

If Gauthier doesn't knock Popsicles out of the hands of children, who will?

A future victim.

He's still riding high on talking about the Halak trade. Why? Because it gives him a great punchline whenever he likes something. If his wife takes him shopping, it's "I like this tie so much, I want to trade it to St. Louis." If he's watching the sunset, he's got Doug Armstrong on the phone, trying to trade it for a cloud or something. He can't sign Price until he comes up with a new catchphrase to go along with it.
(Which, Pierre, would be "this is taking longer than signing a goalie!" I plan on using it in long lines at Tim Hortons and when the metro breaks down.)

He's having a love affair with this ice cream sandwich!

One for now, Pierre, and the other for when I HAVE A GOALIE.

Not the greatest show on earth

I know exactly what would get us Habs fans through this long, hot, lovely summer. Unfortunately, I don't know where you can find it. But I'm working on it.

Reality shows have become a summer TV staple thanks to the people who watch them. And you know what would make the absolute best hockey offseason reality show? Some reruns of La maison de Maxim Lapierre, last spring's home-reno reality sensation.

Yeah, I said it.

I came across a rerun a couple of months ago on some French channel, and right now I sincerely regret not setting my DVR for the remaining episodes. There was something oddly compelling about watching Max's house get redecorated by Mathieu Dandenault's wife and her bizarro voice. A show chronicling the minutiae of women richer than me shopping for expensive furniture, combined with the side of a hockey player's life we don't often see, is almost frivolous. I wish we could all watch season 1 again right now, but I guess I'll just have to imagine what season 2 would be like. (My sister claims there's a season 2 currently in production, but I'll believe it when I see it.)

La maison II: Marky's Revenge

Unbelievably appropriate photo, from topshelfhabs.com

Andrei Markov has been to Maxim Lapierre's awesome house. And he's jealous. The house has everything! No wonder at any given moment, at least one-third of current Canadiens are over at Maison de Max. But since everyone is at Max's house, Markov doesn't get to have the guys over for jam sessions or Russian movie nights or what have you. Which, in his mind, is ridiculous, because he lives even closer to the Brossard practice facility than Max does. What's a guy to do? Concoct a plan to turn Maison de Markov into the coolest house ever. Whatever it takes. I'm a little scared to see my Habs hero play the role of conniving supervillain, but I can't wait to see what will be in his house. 

La maison II: This Auld House

They can be buddies now! (photo from CBC)

This July, Alex Auld got snatched up by the Canadiens faster than you can say "Oh snap, we need an affordable backup goalie". Watch as he moves to Montreal from whatever other city he used to play in (Ottawa, still?), adjusts to a new city and a new house, and attempts to make his new home so cool that his teammates will immediately all become his best friends, and as a result, the francophones in local media will treat him as one of their own. Potential setback: Alex will need to find a house whose window and light-fixture setup won't bounce too much glare off his bald head. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then it's been too long since you've seen Pierre McGuire.

La maison II: PK Moves In

If PK Subban doesn't make the Habs' roster this fall, he's a sure shot to make it very soon. He might as well start looking for his own place (unless he plans to move in with a teammate, but that would be more sitcom than reality show. Future blog post? We'll see.). If PK gets his own reality show, I'll watch it. It would make for good TV. PK loves to goof around on camera and isn't shy at all, so he wouldn't mind being filmed and would probably have fun with it. It might also be interesting to see what it's like to be a young player in the NHL. PK has a lot more money and responsibility than other guys his age, and adjusting to all of it would certainly be interesting to watch. He's buying his first home and playing his first NHL season in North America's craziest hockey city all at once. The show has the potential to be about more than bedframes and home theatre systems, and it might just make us love PK more than we already did.

There's only one problem with this whole idea: the original "Maison de Max" series happened because of the intrepid decorating efforts of one Marie-Christine (or as I call her, Mrs. Dandy) and her posse of hockey consorts. There isn't a single one of them left, and any superstitious hockey player might not even let his wife take part in any redecorating activities for fear of being dropped by the Habs, just like Mathieu Dandenault, Saku Koivu, Guillaume Latendresse, and Steve Begin. In fact, the only Hab who appeared on the show and is still a Hab is Maxim Lapierre.

Maybe my season 2 wishes are a silly pipe dream after all.

Summer in the city

Things have been extremely slow at Hab It Her Way this week. Sorry. We've either been at work, recovering from extra-long work hours, or we completely forgot what we were going to say. (That last one is mostly me.)
So, while we cook up some all-new content for you, we're doing the lazy thing and linking to a few good reads that have been keeping us going through this hot but boring stretch of the summer:

HIHW commenter and friend (also French guy from France) Grrrreg over at The Soft European promises that this will be one of many hilarious photoshop jobs.

The Habs blogger that puts the rest of us to shame, Dennis Kane, hasn't let a silly offseason interrupt his great work ethic as a writer. This week he's shared some personal stories along with a few guessing games involving pictures of vintage hockey memorabilia in foreign languages.

During the regular season, JT at The H Does Not Stand For Habs always posts thoughtful, well-researched opinion pieces. I'm so very happy that she's continued that trend into the offseason, her latest posts focusing on PK Subban and Maxim Lapierre.

More reading over at All Habs, with a smart and concise writeup on the new Hamilton Bulldogs coach, whose name sounds just a bit too much like "Richie Cunningham" for me to not call him that. The best thing to tide you over, though, is probably the Habs playlist you can stream right from their site. At only 10 songs, it's a little too short for you to close your eyes and pretend you're watching a game live, but in the middle of summer it's the best thing your ears could ask for.