Who's staying on board

...because I made a boat analogy

Three days before losing them to free agency (I think), Pierre Gauthier has secured two of our young forwards for another season.

Benoit Pouliot's contract reportedly costs about $1.37 million. That's a small bite out of the remaining cap space. If he can keep up the great scoring mojo he had during the regular season, and avoid growing another aesthetically amusing bad-luck mustache, it'll be a good year. If he gets injured again or performs like he did in the playoffs, well, it'll be the second time in 2010 that people are angry with the letters BP.

A year of Tom Pyatt costs half a million dollars. I guess we'll have to see how he performs in what could be his first full NHL season, but this is looking like a pretty good bargain for the team. I'm betting Pierre Gauthier feels like I do after a day of outlet shopping.

The week that was

NHL Awards are over. (As quickly as they began, and that's a good thing because you all know by now how I feel about this Shinedown band.)
The draft is over. (Or maybe it's still going on... do drafts ever end?)

Maybe you're thinking that after our fairy tale of a playoff run, we Habs fans would get all sorts of applause from the rest of the NHL this week when everyone got together to shake hands. But alas, no Habs came home from Vegas with hardware and Montreal showed up around the middle of the first draft round. All eyes were on Edmonton as it morphed into Hall-ywood. Still, we should be optimistic.

The majority of the NHL Awards went to guys who play either in the Western Conference or for teams that the Canadiens beat in the playoffs. I take it as further proof that our team's postseason proved that the Canadiens are 100 years old and still got it goin' on.

Trading up in the draft saved me from watching more kids get drafted by other teams that are not my favourite, and it was worth it. Good move, Pierre. I approve.

From 0 to badass in the time it takes a scout to announce your name

Twenty-four hours ago I had no idea who Jarred Tinordi was. Within minutes of his selection I became a fan. He's so very tall. If it were possible to make Trevor Timmins look as tall as Gary Bettman, Tinordi's the guy who can do it. He has leadership experience. He seems to have a really calm demeanor, which I can hope will translate well to the ice. Vancouver wanted him. And the best news is probably that, as with most defensive prospects, Tinordi will need a little while to develop before we see him on NHL ice, so with any luck he'll show up just when we need him: when our more experienced D's will have either aged or moved on and our younger guys will be the ones with experience. Oh, the circle of life. It moves us all.

We might not have the excitement of Edmonton right now, or the immense pride of Detroit or Chicago, but I think Montreal has just what it needs. Especially when the riots are on in Toronto.

It's Awards time!

The pop-culture junkie side of me loves awards shows. In part it's for the "who's wearing what" factor, but obviously that's a little less exciting here. It is, however, 90 minutes of hockey players in suits, and that's something we can all enjoy.

It would appear that the awards aren't airing live, and news sources are already spoiling us on winners, but I'm going to pretend I didn't find out about any winners. Can I still call this a "liveblog" if the awards aren't airing live?

Well, I think I might anyway.

Before the show: I missed the red-carpet stuff online, because it wouldn't load, but I'm sure there'll be pictures and stuff. Plus what fashion is there to comment on, really? Like, "Oh, Shane Doan's wife shouldn't have worn those shoes?"

Snoop Dogg: And Travis Barker? They're definitely trying to up the ante with this year's Awards, after Chaka Khan didn't kick enough ass last year. "Snoop Gretzky the Great" should be his new name. You know Diddy wishes he came up with it first.
My sister: "Is this what happens when you let Americans be in charge of things?" Well, yes, but there was also the MMVA's.

Opening credits: Are hurting my eyes.

Okay, Jay Mohr, let's get this show on the road.
Four minutes in and the first player we see is Sidney Crosby. Surprise surprise. Jay Mohr's monologue is pretty good for a guy who doesn't watch much hockey. And he just made an "icing is delicious" joke, which I always approve of. It's pretty much what I would have expected, Jay Mohr is just mean enough, but there's still just a little bit of CBS sitcom left on him.

Rookies: Mark Wahlberg is going to bust someone's head open, I'm sure. Ugh, these nominee videos don't look too special. Whatever.
Tyler Myers wins, of course, and oh dear GG, he's so tall. His speech is quite decent, and less awkward than rookies usually are. It would have been better if he'd said to Mark Wahlberg, "Say hi to your mother for me, all right?" A girl can dream.

Selke: So this is the Ryan Kesler award, right? Presenter Natasha Henstridge does not age.
Oh, my bad. This is the Pavel Datsyuk award. I forgot he's like Meryl Streep with this sort of thing. You'd think he would expect a win at some point, and not make all his speeches off-the-cuff. His English is better than he thinks it is, though.

Henrik Sedin: I think. I can't tell the twins apart, but he won the Art Ross trophy and is now being interviewed by some Maria Menounos clone. He doesn't seem to like it very much.

Strombo!: Oh, and much to my surprise Patrick Kane is glued to some showgirl or other woman that's probably friends with a Tiger Woods mistress. He said some random platitudes about winning the Cup. This segment is just there to introduce a Cirque du Soleil performance, which is effectively spiced up by some breakdancing.

Ted Lindsay Award: Presented by Ted Lindsay (well I certainly hope so) and Ron McLean. So this award is like a popularity contest, right? I think Ovechkin will take this one.
OK, I don't deserve a parade for guessing that. By the way, I have no idea why the nominees are waiting backstage
"First of all, what's up everybody?" A hung-over (or slightly buzzed) Ovie starts his speech awesomely, then ends it sentimentally. But doesn't want it to end, and Kanye's the next presenter.

Ooh, a race joke! In the middle of an Olympic tribute. Which turned into a pretaped sketch about Ryan Getzlaf being a jerkstore. Athletes don't make great actors, but this is quite all right. It's not the actors, it's the material.

Red carpet again: Aw, Steven Stamkos! If I were him I'd totally try to one-up Crosby on camera.

Coaches: I'm not sure who will win this... Dave Tippett! Yay! Because the Coyotes surpassed all expectations this season. Can someone just buy this team and treat it right already?
czechtacular is very pleased with this win, as expected.

Toe pick!: I'm a little excited to see DB Sweeney, because I love The Cutting Edge (but hate Battle of the Blades). Jamie Kennedy should have just stopped working after his hidden-camera show was cancelled. Oh, but then he and Jay Mohr couldn't have ribbed each other about being on CBS.
Upset of the night: Ryan Miller wins the Vezina. Wow, huge surprise there. I was not expecting this after a season of the Ryan Miller Hype Machine and him carrying his team so much he makes Halak look like a slacker. (Jaro come back.) He thanks his teammates, of whom I can name maybe two.

Brodeur: Won the Jennings trophy! Congrats! What does that mean?

Best thing ever: Did Jay Mohr just do a Tracy Morgan voice?

Shinedown: Yeah, ok, not my favourite band so you can just youtube them. Or try to imagine a rap-metal Nickelback, and there's their whole performance right there.

Another best thing ever: Mike Green's hair looks more human. And a Geico caveman still has beef with him.

Lex Luthor has hair: And is presenting the Masterton trophy, and doing a pretty good job.
I'm a sucker for inspiring stories, and it's no surprise that Jose Theodore won it, since losing a child is a parent's worst nightmare. (His accent is starting to sound a little Chuck Hughes there. Okay, not important.) Very tasteful speech. Good job, Theo.

Jerry Bruckheimer: Does not acknowledge the world's most useless DJ. He's presenting the King Clancy Memorial Trophy, which I just heard of today. And the video shows us some baby Shane Doan - did you see that! Aw, Shane Doan, what a guy. I'm trying to pay attention to his speech, because he's so sweet (he puts Iginla to shame, and that's saying something) but for some reason he's reminding me of Keanu Reeves. Only less sad.

Jonathan Toews in a suit: Oh, and also the Stanley Cup. To introduce a crazy montage of hockey insanity. Someone needs to show this montage to people who watch other sports: they'll very quickly realize that hockey is king.

Lady Byng Trophy: Wow, these guys are impressive. Did they make a miniature Trophy for Martin St. Louis, or is he just lucky that it's small? He's hilarious, making jokes about sending Christmas cards to refs and reading his speech off his phone.

The Messier Trophy: With no buildup at all, just gets placed next to Crosby. Um, there were other dudes nominated, too. Ugh, this was better last year when the trophy was won by someone I love, and not presented by Fake Maria Menounos. This telecast isn't so special.

If there's hockey somewhere, then Jeremy Roenick is there to talk. That, dear readers, is a fact of life.

This is who they named the trophy after, right?

Norris: I hope it's Drew Doughty, come on, it HAS to be. I hope. And (in the words of Roenick)the winner goes to...
Duncan Keith. The guy I knew the least about. Still, it must be cool to win a Trophy and a Stanley Cup within days of each other. Maybe next week he can get a damn haircut. This guy's never watched the Oscars, has he? The music means GTFO from the stage. Still, he uses his speech overtime to tell Ovechkin to stay away from his girlfriend. Nice.

The Foundation Award: Or something, goes to Ryan Miller because he does charity work. Oh, actually, I think I have heard of this award before. Gary Bettman is still short. If anyone knows his exact height, please tell me in the comments. I tried Googling it and found nothing.

Jay Mohr does his Christopher Walken voice: And the world is a better place for a few seconds. On to the Goo Goo Dolls, and I'm sure that John Rzeznik is younger than Jon Bon Jovi, but he doesn't look it. Is this what happened during the last few years when he wasn't making music? He just sat around and aged? Um, make more albums, please.

A "Thank You Fans" commercial: Makes me feel special! You're welcome, NHL.

Guy Lafleur!: If the Awards were held in Vegas back in his day, he'd have gone missing. His pre-award banter is pretty cute. The Hart Trophy, technically, should go to the guy who screamed out "Go Habs Go!" But I don't think it will.
Instead, it does to Henrik Settin'. Wait, that's NOT how you pronounce it? Whatever. He's Guy Lafleur. Henrik makes a great speech, very appreciative, but not at all treacly.

[By the way, there seemed to be a lot of people wearing the same tie... Stylist fail.] No, that's because John Varvatos appears to have dressed pretty much everyone, and while the man certainly knows suits, I can't get behind this much product placement, what with the matching suits and the Geico and everything. I can't stand it on regular TV, and I don't like it creeping into hockey like this.

And just like that, it's over. That's the end?
Oh well, congratulations to the winners, and we'll see you next year. Now please let the hockey players go have some fun, as I'm sure Patrick Kane has already exited the theatre and pounded a Jagerbomb or two. See you next year!

Another one of those days

So... the NHL is busier when there's no hockey? Is that how it is?

First, Mathieu Darche gets a new contract for next season. His salary is undisclosed, and according to people who know hockey, it's a "one-way" contract. So if I understand correctly, he might be needed to rally up all these former St. Louis Blues prospects in Hamilton but regardless of what jersey he wears he'll still make a Hab's salary. Or something.

Then, we find out that Marc-André Bergeron needs knee surgery. Some people could take his injury as a reason why our power play included a few less crazy slapshots... mystery solved.

Then Tomas Plekanec and the guys in charge decided to keep him in Montreal for six more years, costing the team a very appropriate $5 million per season. He played just as well as our most expensive guys this past season, so it is definitely not too much. Stop hating. Hating on Pleks means hating on goals, and if you hate goals then you should watch golf or something.

Coming soon to a Hall of Fame near you...

The Hockey Hall of Fame announced this year's inductees, and while there was unfortunately no love for deserving Montreal sweethearts Guy Carbonneau and Pat Burns, my XX chromosomes are very happy about the first women to be inducted: Cammi Granato and Angela James. Finally there'll be more than just a plaque about women's hockey at the HHOF!

The Bruins and Panthers did some trading today. There were draft picks involved and then everyone went to Tim Hortons, if I understood correctly.

Scott Niedermayer, captain of the Anaheim Ducks and this year's Team Canada, announced his retirement today, but it's really just a coincidence that he held a press conference right before tomorrow's NHL Awards and Friday's draft. Totally a coincidence.

Brent Sopel of the Chicago Blackhawks proves that I completely misjudged him and his My Name Is Earl mustache by agreeing to bring the Stanley Cup to Chicago's Pride Parade, accompanied by his family.

Rollie Melanson, having already coached B.C. boy Carey Price in Montreal, will now coach St-Leonard boy Roberto Luongo in Vancouver.

Oh, and the schedule was announced for all of next season's NHL games. Yes, that ALSO happened today.
Some highlights for the Habs:
We open and close the season against the Leafs in Toronto.
The October 13 home opener, against Guy Boucher's Tampa Bay Lightning, will happen less than two weeks before the Phoenix Coyotes come to town on October 25th. Yes, czechtacular will need lots and lots of paper bags to breathe into. I'll probably buy some wholesale.
This year's Dec 4th anniversary game (does it matter every year, or only once a century?) will be in the afternoon against the San Jose Sharks. California boys are going to freeze if it's anything like it's been the last few Decembers.
Luckily we broke the December 23rd curse last season, because the Habs will be in Carolina on that very day.
Last season's seats for the Habs vs Flames game at the Bell Centre were slightly better than the ones we had the year before. On January 17th, we might get to the first row of the blues!
The Heritage Classic will indeed be happening on February 20th.
Jaro doesn't come back to town (just go back to the playlist if you're sad) but he'll get to make stops on his old teammates when the Habs go to St. Louis on March 22nd.
In general, there are just a few too many back-to-back games for my liking. I prefer it when the players have a day off between games, especially if there's travel involved.

... was that it?

Lost a player you love?

Hearing that one of your favourite hockey players was traded, or that he just moved away, is never easy to stomach. The 2009 offseason proved that. There isn't much you can do about it, outside of complaining to every news outlet you know or maybe writing your GM a strongly worded letter (send us a copy if you do!), and it can be a lot to handle emotionally. You might need to have some worthless breakable objects around in case you get really angry. Or you might need a tub of ice cream and some sad songs to help you feel better.
That's where we come in.

Introducing the I Can't Believe He's On Another Team playlist. It might help a little.

No Doubt - Don't Speak. I know from experience that it helps!


Matchbox Twenty - If You're Gone. It's a little cheesy and sad, but I kind of secretly love Matchbox Twenty. Don't you judge me. You're the one stuffing your face full of chocolates and weeping.


The Fray - Never Say Never. Because basically every song by the Fray is sad enough for an occasion such as this.

oh, and if you're really mad at management then their cover of Heartless might do it for you.



Metric - Combat Baby. I went with a live acoustic version here for you, because I love the original version (it's just as melancholy but the electronic sound makes it a bit more bouncy) but it sounds amazing when it's stripped down.


Heart - Alone. Because if you're really down, an 80's hair power ballad might be the only thing that can pick you up.


Or maybe you don't want to be emo anymore and want to try and cheer up and convince yourself that everything will be okay.

HIHW gets hairy

You knew it was coming. Everyone loves looking at awesome beards. My Paul Mara fandom and hours spent researching this category are proof of that. Obviously, like basically everyone else on the Internet, we had to honour the best playoff beards and hand out the Paul Mara Memorial Trophy for Best Playoff Beard (since Paul Mara's Beard didn't get to enjoy any playoff glory this year.)
Now, I decided to make this category all about beards, so Jonathan Toews' mutton chops, the Pouliot-stache, and PK Subban's helmet strap didn't quite qualify. Much love, though.

So, who did make the cut?
Todd Bertuzzi has a playoff beard that the Internet seems to love as much as bacon.
Kris Draper's beard most reminds me of Paul Mara's, as it is both ginger and quite awesome.
Patrick Marleau's beard is great. You can't even see any face behind it. I didn't know he had it in him.
Joe Pavelski is half-cute, half-awesome with this beard. Mostly awesome. He looks completely different in playoff mode than he does in his roster shot.
Glen Metropolit trimmed his beard, but it still looked great.
Roman Hamrlik... I wish I had a better picture of his beard in all its glory.
Tom Pyatt grew the best rookie beard this season, and I'd be saying that even if it wasn't the exact same beard that Ryan Gosling had in The Notebook. #94 gets extra points in the "I wrote you every day for a year!" category.
Mark Stuart has such a great beard that honestly, I have no idea who he is other than the Bruins' #45, but I saw this picture and nominated him.

Eight nominees is a lot but for all I know, I omitted someone so if I did, that's what the comments section is for!

Here's to you, Jaroslav Halak

Traded to the Blues for two guys who'll have to show us what they're made of. Mostly because I know almost nothing about the St. Louis Blues. Usually I have to be reminded that they're even a thing.

Jaro started the season somewhat out of the spotlight, then grew in popularity as he became "the other white meat," an alternative to Price that Camp Carey Boo were constantly calling out for, then got the ice time to prove just how talented he is, behind both the Canadiens and the Slovakian Olympic team, then became such a mythical figure that his talent was celebrated even outside the Montreal bubble. Some TSN analyst described a brilliant third-round performance by Antti Niemi as "Halakian."

So it looks like we've got to say goodbye to the Halak puns and the stop signs. He'll post shutouts for other teams.

Jaro and Carey might now have a shot at each getting the ice time they need and deserve, and we might finally see an end to the childish, Twilight-esque rivalry.

But that doesn't mean I'm happy for the St. Louis Blues.