Hab it her way

Plus/Minus accurately describes the Habs this week

2012-02-07T22:47:00.000-05:00

They're up and they're down, they're boring sometimes and thrilling at other times. If there's one thing I know for sure about this year's Montreal Canadiens, it's that they'll always do something unexpected.

PLUS

+ Madonna's halftime show had everything: gladiators, a She-Ra headdress, Nicki Minaj, millions of backup dancers, LMFAO, gospel choirs, marching bands, Cee-Lo Green, and her classic Like A Prayer dance moves. Oh, and a shoutout to Ron Artest ("World Peace"). What more could I have asked for? A Patriots loss? I got that too!

+ Kelly Clarkson's fantastic American national anthem proves that all you have to do to be great, is be great. No vocal runs, no fancy earrings. Just talent.
+ A Plus to Lewis Alderman, the kid who helped Michel Lacroix with player introductions at the Bell Centre this weekend. Usually kids just sound like kids, but he was great!
+ On Sunday morning, I said that the Canadiens need to support Carey Price with some goals. And they obliged.
+ Ryan White scored two goals in the first ten minutes of today's Hamilton Bulldogs game. This would have just been a Plus celebrating his return to the ice, but two goals in ten minutes proves just how happy I am to have him back.
+ Some people wouldn't call this a slam dunk. I'm too busy staring in awe to care about what it's called:

MINUS

- Paul Gaustad is not only insensitive, but he's kind of an idiot too.
- I don't know who this Minus is directed to, exactly, but after the Gaustad incident, Aaron Ward said on the TSN panel that the only things you can't insult another player about on the ice are kids and pets. "Wives, girlfriends, sisters are all fair game." Seriously? Dogs are untouchable but women aren't? Is this a sports league or a cult?
- I'm sorry, Habs, I like you, I really do, but if you feel the same way about me, you can't blow a two-goal lead against the frigging New Jersey Devils.
- Saturday's game against the Capitals was a dismal effort by both teams. Better off forgotten.
- I'm still not a baseball fan, but I'd like to express my anger towards everyone who's tried to turn me into one, because they never told me about this crazy A-Rod centaur rumour.

This week is going to be a busy one, with midseason TV schedules swelling and another edition of Hockey Day In Canada. I'll have to try and keep up.

Montreal wins, Boston loses

2012-02-05T22:39:00.000-05:00

Good job, Habs!
Congratulations, New York Giants! (from me, who's supposed to be a Jets fan.)

Plus/Minus should return tomorrow.

A guide to the 2012 Super Bowl, in pictures

2012-02-04T18:40:00.001-05:00

My Super Bowl plans have yet to be finalized, but here's what I do know about tomorrow's big game:

Do not wear any light colours. (You know, chicken wings and such.)

Every time you cheer for Tom Brady, you're cheering for a grown man who wears Uggs.

Baseball fans love the fact that the Montreal Expos drafted a promising catcher named Tom Brady, who as it turns out was pretty good at football, too. The truth is that all Brady did was leave baseball for a prettier sport. Typical Brady.

This is a dog I know. His name is Eli. He probably wants Eli Manning to win, since they have the same name. Or maybe he doesn't know what football is, and just wants people to play with him. In any case, look at how cute he is.

By supporting Eli Manning, you're supporting all the younger brothers of athletes who've suffered concussions. I bet that Ben Crosby (fictional younger brother of Sidney that I just made up) would cheer for the Giants.

Madonna is going to rock the halftime show, even if her new song is the worst thing I've heard all week - and that includes the final score of Habs games. MIA is supposed to be joining her (and LMFAO!), and I'm hoping that Nicki Minaj does too, since "Give Me All Your Luvin'" features Nicki, in a desperate attempt to be a less-awful song.

The best thing about the Patriots winning the Super Bowl would be a chance at seeing Tom Brady host SNL again, but the Token Sports Personality Host job for this season was already given to the insanely unfunny Charles Barkley, so there is no comedic reason to vote for the Patriots.

If the New York Giants win the Super Bowl, Victor Cruz and some of his teammates will celebrate by dancing. If the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl, the Boston Bruins will be happy.

I have never teared up reading anything on Twitter until I read this tweet from New York Giant, Mark Herzlich. You go win the Super Bowl, Mark Herzlich!

Top 5: Reasons why I should be GM of the Canadiens

2012-02-02T21:54:00.000-05:00

Since people have been talking about firing Gauthier for a while...

I would sign Carey Price to a long-term contract right now. Or a short-term contract. Whatever he wants, really, as long as he comes back. I'd buy him a horse if he wanted one.

I would be honest. I wouldn't try to cover up my decisions or spin the truth to stroke a new player's ego. I would just tell things like they are. If a player is brought in to help fill up a roster that's been depleted by injuries, I would say so. I would disclose terms of the agreement, because "club policy" means nothing when player salaries are readily available on TSN or Capgeek. A little honesty would be a refreshing change from the spin doctors and clichés.

I would be honest even when the fans don't want to hear it. Uproar over an English coach or a ridiculous trade? Fans booing their own players? I'd pull a Bob Gainey and tell my fans when they're being idiots.

I would see the big picture. None of this last-minute trade deadline desperation. How well has last year's Dustin Penner deal worked out for the Kings? Not as well as it's worked out for the Denny's a few blocks from the Staples Center. I'd keep my eye on the big picture, and not give away all my team's assets for a bag of magic beans.

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I know that managing a sports team can be cutthroat. You've got to keep your own team afloat and avoid getting screwed over by other GM's or greedy agents. I'll mess with them if I have to. Guilt? Crying on cue? Swearing at them over the phone, in multiple languages? All in a day's work if it gets me what I want.

Obviously, I'm kidding. I've already said that I would never want to be a GM, but I'm sure there's a reason why so many people think they want to be one.

I didn't recognize Plus/Minus behind those Clark Kent glasses

2012-01-30T22:45:00.000-05:00

I seem to have an awful lot to say, considering that the Canadiens only played one game this week.

PLUS

+ Everything about that Red Wings game was fantastic. This isn't just a Plus, it's a Plus four thousand.
+ Carey Price was one of the best things about All-Star weekend, from his reaction to being drafted by a Bruin and a Leaf to his silliness during the skills competition.
+ To the inevitable jokes happening in the Florida Panthers' locker room this week, after poor Brian Campbell's accidental indecent exposure became the talk of the Internet.

+ I didn't want to, but I'll admit it: Scott Hartnell is a mensch and a joy to watch in the All-Star Game.
+ A toast to the NHL's apparent newest player rivalry, Patrick Kane vs. Jordan Eberle - look at the angry stare on Kane's face here:

+ I have made my share of LeBron James jokes in the last year or so, but there can be no jokes when it comes to moves like these:

+ Congratulations to Melissa McCarthy (Sookie!) on getting an Oscar nomination for her fearless, hysterical performance in Bridesmaids.

MINUS

- Poor players get named to the All-Star Game, then are given free hats but the hats are fug. Most of us know that Steven Stamkos plays for the Lightning. There was no need to give him a hat that says TAMPABAYLIGHTNING on it in letters so large that you can only see half the team name at a time.
- To everyone who tried to make a news story out of Carey Price not shaking Zdeno Chara's hand: concentrate on more important things, like the possibility of a Patrick Kane-Jordan Eberle rivalry.
- If I understood the story correctly, the doctors treating Sidney Crosby misdiagnosed him, and this is the first we hear of him having fractured vertebrae. If that's the case, then the doctors who treat Penguins players have got to be some of the most inept people on Earth.

- I'm sorry, but as much as I may love The Office, I'm not jazzed about this announcement of a Dwight Schrute spin-off. No. Let The Office end the way it needs to end, and then leave it be, unless this new show is either all about Cousin Mose. Or, if it is a Dwight spin-off, it should be some ridiculously nerdy high-concept series starring Dwight and his BBC counterpart Gareth.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to decide whether I'm Team Kane or Team Eberle.

Challenges I Missed During the All-Star Skills Competition

2012-01-29T15:32:00.000-05:00

Best chirp

Ice sculpture challenge

Hardest Shot, with bartender Patrick Kane

Worst hair

Teddy bear toss during the skills relay

Political debate against Tim Thomas

Pin the tail on the Chara

Costume contest

Who can watch Nyan Cat the longest?

On-ice roller derby

Real-life game of "Daniel or Henrik"

Spelling bee

Goalie fights

Dance-off

But instead I had to settle for Pavel Datsyuk showing me why he's one of the greatest players in the game.

Our 2012 All-Star Draft

2012-01-26T21:36:00.000-05:00

You may remember that last year, the Hab It Her Way girls got together and drafted their own All-Star teams, with all the stress of not knowing who to pick. (Parts One and Two, if you're interested.)

Czechtacular and I are giving it another go. This year, we decided to change things up a little bit. We set some ground rules:

Starting lineups only: 3 forwards, 2 defencemen, 1 goalie.
No players that were named to the actual All-Star Game.
And, since we are Habs fans, there has to be at least one short guy on the team.
We will be drafting one coach each - but he'll be coaching the other person's team.

And here we go:

Team Czechtacular's first pick...

Radim Vrbata, Phoenix Coyotes. Because he has 23 goals, which is fifth-best in the league, and his real All-Star invitation must've gotten lost in the mail but that's okay because mine is prettier.

Kudos to anyone who got the Count of Monte Cristo reference, which I doubt is anybody. But see? Pretty.

Team Rookie's first pick...

Saku Koivu, Anaheim Ducks. Big surprise there, eh? I was hoping he'd be named an All-Star so that I could go to Ottawa and see him again, and not cry.

Team Czechtacular's second pick...

Ilya Bryzgalov, Philadelphia Flyers. Because he's already used to letting a ton of goals in during regular games for the Flyers and having choice quotes about it after the game. But don't worry, on my team he'll definitely have a mic on for the whole experience just in case he wants to inform us more about blonde-girl huskies and/or solar systems.

Team Rookie's second pick...
Miikka Kiprusoff, Calgary Flames. Because Czechtacular took Bryz away from me, and that is humangas big not cool. Kipper is always great to watch, and I don't get to see him play often enough.

Team Czechtacular's third pick...
Matthew Lombardi, Toronto Maple Leafs. I know, I know. But I waited a whole season to have him back from that concussion and he's mainly here for my version of the Skills' Competition in which he'd zoom away with the Fastest Skater Award anyway, sooooo.

Team Rookie's third pick...

Mason Raymond, Vancouver Canucks. You want fast? Raymond is fast. You're losing that Fastest Skater competition, Team Czechtacular. Sorry. And my picking Raymond now is just a coincidence, because it's a known fact that I put him on my All-Star ballot every year.

Team Czechtacular's fourth pick...

A Magically Healed and Ready for Action Dmitry Kulikov, Florida Panthers. There's nothing in the rules about not being able to stage our version of the All-Star Game in eight weeks, is there? Because like a lot of the Panthers this season, he's been flying under the radar with 24 points, tenth-most in the league among defensemen. Meanwhile, his D partner Brian Campbell gets to be a real All-Star as he spends his break and the next two months or so recovering from knee surgery. I cry foul.

Team Rookie's fourth pick...

Dan Boyle, San Jose Sharks. He's the kind of guy you'd want on your All-Star team, representing your league. He'd probably be good for a point or two, and his stats this season are just as good as actual All-Star Ryan Suter's.

Team Czechtacular's fifth pick...

Ladislav Smid, Edmonton Oilers. In my All-Star Game there are hits and blocked shots. Smid is among the league leaders in both categories. And if you're a regular watcher of Oil Change you'll know why he's the other logical choice to be mic'ed up for the weekend.

Team Rookie's fifth pick...

Wayne Simmonds, Philadelphia Flyers. I never, ever thought I'd pick a Flyer, but I still sort of half-think of Simmonds as an L.A. King. He'd bring some grit and energy to the team, and if you watched 24/7 you'd know that he seems like a nice enough guy. He's maybe not as quotable as, say, Bryzgalov, but he'd get along well with his teammates and have fun with fans.

Team Czechtacular's sixth pick...

David Desharnais, Montreal Canadiens. The little assist-machine (not too shabby at scoring goals against the Wings, either) that could, after getting a rough ride by many of the Habs' faithful for much of this season he's quietly emerging as a top-tier producer, so he's going to be my Tricolore representative this year.

Team Rookie's sixth pick...

Josh Gorges, Montreal Canadiens. Okay, so I coincidentally saved my Hab for last, too. His offensive skill will be an asset in the ASG. He'd have a great time. And, just in case this game goes to overtime and I need someone to score a game-winning goal, he's got it covered.

And now, for the coaches. How do you pick a coach for someone else's team, to play against you?

Czechtacular picks Team Rookie's coach...

Joel Quenneville, Chicago Blackhawks. Because moustache.

Rookie picks Team Czechtacular's coach...

Kirk Muller, Carolina Hurricanes. He might not have a moustache, but how could I not pick Kirk?

And that's our draft, ladies and gentlemen. No awkward cuts to the social media room, no confetti, no free cars. (Offers are welcome for car sponsorships for next year's draft.)

Plus/Minus: Guys... Where are we?

2012-01-23T23:51:00.000-05:00

I went on a short vacation last week. I spent five days in Florida, where seventeen degrees Celsius is considered unseasonably cold for January, two 23-ounce cans of Four Loko* will set you back a whopping five dollars, and people set up memorials (complete with paper signs) for a historic tree that burned down in a forest fire. I came back to a city where fans want their hockey team to lose and then are upset that they do, and where winter happens every year but drivers seem to forget that it exists. I'm still not sure which place is weirder. (Probably Florida, because they have lots of gators and gun stores.)

PLUS

+ Somehow, the Habs' open practice is always a bright spot in the season, regardless of who's there or how well the team is doing.
+ Saku Koivu scored a hat trick!
+ Former Hamilton Bulldog Ryan Russell scored his first NHL goal as a Columbus Blue Jacket. Congratulations?
+ My favourite thing about sports is sportsmanship. So it made me happy when Ray Lewis and Arian Foster signed and swapped their jerseys after a playoff game last week.
+ Rene Bourque scored his first goal as a Hab! Welcome to the jungle.
+ 30 Rock is back!
+ My interest in New Girl was starting to wane before the holiday hiatus, but last week's episode was great. I hope Lizzy Caplan's character sticks around for the rest of the season.
+ I may not agree with Tim Thomas' decision to skip his White House visit (after all, wouldn't a hard-working, beer-drinking proletarian goalie want to high-five Barack Obama and maybe sing a few bars?) but I like the way he handled it - so far, as discreetly as he could while still making the statement he wanted to make.

MINUS

No more.

- Okay but why would you put Scott Gomez in a shootout?
- The way the Cammalleri trade went down is an abomination. Yeah, I said it. Habs fans don't need any more drama, and we definitely don't like being the laughingstock of the NHL.
- I was supposed to go to the Habs-Capitals game last Wednesday. Considering that the Habs got shut out, and deserved to, I guess I'm not too beat up about missing it.
- Rest in peace, Joe Paterno. He did something wrong (which I will not defend), but he was also a successful coach whose players respected him and whose family will miss him, and for those reasons I absolutely will not be one of those heinous people who thinks it's funny that he died.

I don't know where my team is going, and I'm not sure I understand where they've been so far this season, but there's an Original Six matchup this week, and that's all that matters.

And, just because I put a Lost reference in the title of this post and didn't follow it up with anything, here's a smattering of Lost-related musings:

Pierre Gauthier is the smoke monster.
What lies behind the shadow of the statue? Probably another confusing trade.
Kyle Wellwood ate too many Apollo bars.
Andrei and Sergei = Jacob and the Man in Black? Discuss.
Is Erik Cole like Montreal's Hurley?
Do you think Jorge Garcia has ever been to Hurley's on Crescent?
Half of "the numbers" are hanging from the rafters at the Bell Centre.
You all, everybody.

*Do not drink Four Loko.

Programming update

2012-01-16T17:31:00.000-05:00

Plus/Minus will return next week.

Also, my theory that the Habs lose when I go out of town has evolved into a theory that Habs players get traded around the time I go out of town. (Hey, things have worked out OK for Matt D'Agostini and Maxim Lapierre, so I'm not too worried about Cammy.)

Remember when I wrote about telenovelas?

2012-01-12T21:45:00.000-05:00

This post?

Los Canadienses would make a pretty great telenovela these days.
I can't even imagine all of the emoting going on in Boston right now. The losing! The interviews! The trades! The tension!
¡Ayayayay!
In case you need more drama, here's a bit of a real telenovela for you:

A Losing Mentality

2012-01-12T00:19:00.000-05:00

There are lots of things I still don't understand about being a sports fan, even though I've been watching the Canadiens for long enough now. Here's one thing from that list, thanks to :

The team loses. Fans are ready to jump ship, trade away most of the roster, or tank for the rest of the season in an attempt to Fail for Nail. They'll do just about anything but cheer for a losing team, as if they forget that sometimes teams lose, and yes, sometimes they lose a lot.

Then a player uses the word "losing" in an interview and it's the end of the world. Fans are suddenly upset because Mike Cammalleri said the team doesn't have a winning mentality. As if he were criticizing his team, and not stating a fact. Instead of using this statement to reflect on the state of their team, most fans are flying off the handle, probably getting ready to burn their Cammalleri T-shirts or something. We, as fans, already know that this team isn't playing well. Cammalleri, as a member of the team, obviously knows, even better than we do. And maybe he has a better idea than we do of why the team isn't winning. Fans: you can't actively wish for a team to fail, and then whine when a player admits that his team isn't doing well.

Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to turn against our own players. After all, this is usually the team that we schedule our lives around. We either love them or hate them, and somehow there is no middle ground. Be happy when they win; be disappointed when they lose. But be a fan, no matter what. (Otherwise we'll start begging for you to be traded to some other fanbase. How does Pittsburgh sound?)

We'll do our part to support the team, and hopefully the team will do their part and work out whatever's plaguing them. It's the best that we can do, in order to help our team be the best.

Plus/Minus is smiling

2012-01-08T22:30:00.000-05:00

This week, I learned that there are actual chains in football. I never knew those things were chains.
I also learned (for damn sure) that I believe in the Canadiens more than I believe in their fans. Did no one understand the "Rise Together" slogan?
In any case, it's been a great week for hockey. Unless you count that protest.

PLUS

+ LARS ELLER HAT TRICK! LARS ELLER PENALTY SHOT GOAL AFTER A HAT TRICK! LARS ELLER BEING HAPPIER THAN A PURRING KITTEN AFTER FOUR GOALS!! Okay, I'll stop yelling at you. I'm just really happy about this.
+ Alexei Emelin proves that he won't give up on this team as easily as some of the fans did (or almost did), by playing the day after he takes a puck to the face.
+ 2 Shane Doan scored his first hat trick (first. I know.) and Jarome Iginla got his 500th career goal. Their smiles say everything about their accomplishments. And about how much we all love them.

MINUS

(via All Habs) This is where our province's priorities are.

- I'm really happy that the Habs have done so well, if only to silence those "loyal" fans who have been extremely vocal about jumping ship. You know, the ones who are usually vocal about which player's jersey they bought this month or how many stats they can rattle off? Some of them have been so venomous toward their team that I mistake them for Leafs fans. So, lucky for them, their team has won two games and all is right with the world and they won't lose all the money they bet in August on the Habs winning the Cup.
- The fact that people would have a protest because they're unhappy about seeing an anglophone with a job is just atrocious. I don't even want to talk about it.
- Prayers for Jack Jablonski, who was seriously injured during a high school hockey game this week but is thankfully already making great strides toward recovery. I love this sport but I hate how dangerous it can be.

- What, they couldn't put Kelly Clarkson in any sketches during SNL this week? Maybe people didn't notice, but Charles Barkley is not a comedian.

This week, I'm hoping to avoid any resurrection of the Price-Halak debate because enough already and nice to see you again, Jaro.

Plus/Minus shares a timeslot with Jimmy Fallon

2012-01-04T00:24:00.001-05:00

It's midnight. Midnight Plus/Minus is what happens when your holidays are busy (read: lazy) and then there's a World Juniors game on.

“We started something here and we want to finish it here until the last goal.”

PLUS
+ I'm incredibly happy to have Josh Gorges on this team. But you knew that already. I can't even tell you how happy it made me to find out that he's been renewed for another six seasons. (And a movie?) He may deserve to be on a Habs team better than the one we've seen lately, but if every player can turn into the one that Josh Gorges has been since he came to Montreal, this team will be unstoppable.

+ Some people might find it scandalous that I'm giving this a Plus, but former Bulldog (and occasional Hab) J.T. Wyman, who I happen to like very much, scored his first NHL goal for the Tampa Bay Lightning. I'm very proud of him, even though he scored against my team. (Maybe there was money on the board?) I was disappointed to see him leave the Bulldogs this summer (as you know) but I thought he'd be a good fit in Tampa if he ever got called up, and here's proof: a goal in only his third game with the big club.
+ What is it about Florida that makes Emelin extra badass?
+ I don't like the Flyers, I don't like the Flyers, I don't... But congratulations, Brayden Schenn, on your first NHL goal!
+ The second and third periods of the Winter Classic.
+ Tonight's World Junior game was the kind of game that proves exactly why I love Team Canada (and have, even since I before I was a hockey fan) and why I like watching Canada-Russia matchups so much. It was thrilling, high-scoring, and infuriating. I couldn't have asked for anything more from one game, and I'm not even disappointed that Canada lost because they came out for the most incredible third period any fan could imagine.

MINUS
- Peter Laviolette messing with Steve Ott between periods of a Dallas-Philly game, then denying it and playing dumb after the game even though the whole thing was caught on camera. He knows that there's video evidence, right? (Typical Laviolette.)
- Krys Barch allegedly making a racially insensitive comment to P.K. Subban is a "he said, he said" scandal. (Or, a "he said, ref overheard" scandal, if you will.) We may never know exactly what was said and what led up to it, but if it's true, this kind of behaviour needs to stop.
- To anyone who didn't think that The Roots were adequate intermission entertainment for the Winter Classic.
- There's no reason for fans of one country to be hateful toward the players of another.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some sleeping to do before the first Habs game of 2012.

2011: All these things that I've done

2011-12-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

Lately there's been a lot of pessimism among Habs fans, myself included. I'm usually as optimistic as I possibly can be about sports, so this is kind of strange and new to me. But 2011 wasn't the easiest year I've seen in my brief time so far as a sports fan. It started out well enough - I worked on my 2010 year-in-review post in sunny Florida. Unfortunately, vacations (like all things) come to an end, players get injured, games are lost, and sometimes the worst happens.

I'm trying not to think of 2011 as the year where [insert bad thing that happened]. So many other great things happened this year that I'll be happy to remember:

I went to my first-ever football game...
And my first-ever basketball game...
Where I got to be on the Jumbotron - which is every sports fan's dream, right?

Despite my lack of athletic prowess, this was the year that I tried to play a sport. (I was bad at it, but that's okay because I'm proud of myself for trying, and golf isn't really that great of a sport anyway.)

At one point this year, I owned T-shirts for teams in all 4 major North American sports teams. (And I probably still do, but one of them has gone missing.)
Maybe I should up that number to 5, now that soccer is increasing in popularity and the Impact are joining the MLS and have snazzy new uniforms.

This was the year I met Ken Dryden, Yvon Lambert, and Chris Nilan.
And Michel Lacroix.
And Hal Gill, sort of.
This was the year that Jonathan Toews looked at me.

This was the year that I went to my first playoff game - and while I sniffled and coughed through the whole thing, I booed the Bruins as much as my sore throat would allow.
This was also the year that I screamed so much at a hockey game that it gave me a sore throat.
This was the year I got to see Bell Centre celebrity Logan win "fan of the game."

This was the year that I got to be a bet commissioner on live radio. (But not a slap bet commissioner - the stakes were too high. I would have been responsible for Moe Khan getting slapped by a CFL player, and there's no way I'm mean enough to do that.)

This was the year that I started a Twitter hashtag that started trending, and became so popular that even famous people got in on the fun and newspapers wrote about it.

This was the year that I saw the Stanley Cup. And yeah, maybe I kissed it. But that was in April, when it belonged to the Blackhawks, so it's okay.
This was the year that I found out what it's like to be a Habs fan in Toronto. But that was in April, before the Leafs started getting their act together.

This was the year that the good guys won the Super Bowl and the NBA Championship.
This was the year that the Florida Panthers stopped being where NHL players go when they've been bad.
This was the year that Saku Koivu returned to Montreal as a hero.

Even though Mick Jagger had already told me, this was the year I learned that you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.
Happy 2012, everyone.

11 Things I Liked This Year

2011-12-29T23:42:00.000-05:00

This is a really lazy year-in-review (a better one is forthcoming), what with all the "real" blogs and journalists making very specific Best Of lists and actually ranking things. Still, all that matters is that there were things worth liking this year, regardless of what some pessimists would have you believe. In no particular order:

MTL Stand Up by Annakin Slayd - We couldn't ask for a better song about being Canadiens fans.

P.K. Subban's hat trick - We knew he had it in him. No matter what anyone says or how many shutouts followed, that game against Minnesota was brilliant.

Bruins athletic trainer Don Del Negro helping the Habs staff while Max Pacioretty lay on the ice and everyone at home wrung their hands - so much classier than any of us would have expected.

HBO 24/7 - both seasons of it, since there's some New Year's overlap. Everything about the show is beautiful.

Cameo by Brent Musburger. Sports!

Happy Endings - I probably rave about this show a little too much, but think about it... None of the actors or the creator had really anchored a show before, and the biggest star in the cast when it premiered was Elisha Cuthbert. (No way did I ever expect to love, or even watch, a show with Elisha Cuthbert on it.) But the show grew quickly into a quirky, hip, hysterical comedy that eclipses its lead-in Modern Family.

Nicki Minaj - This really was a 2011 thing, because I paid NO attention to her at the end of 2010. Then as soon as 2011 started, as if by magic, Nicki was everywhere I turned: her songs were on the radio, she was great on SNL, I heard her songs during sports games... Heck, she's got her own line of nail polish. Everything about Nicki is genuinely crazy, and I wouldn't want it to be any other way.

Vancouver citizens cleaning up their city after the riots.

Hal Gill - what's not to love? He adds some much-needed size to the team, has blocked approximately four thousand shots this year, made us laugh on Twitter, and was a fantastic Movember team captain.

Arcade Fire - winning a much-deserved Album of the Year Grammy (haters be damned) and performing for free at Place des Festivals. Can they have a free show at Place des Festivals every year?

Scandals of Classic Hollywood - a semi-regular feature on The Hairpin, which I could read over and over and over again. I'm linking to the Elizabeth Taylor story, but they're all great. So gossipy and so educational!

The NHL Mean Girls hashtag on Twitter - hysterical. It combined two things that I thoroughly enjoy, and there was an entire part of Twitter's hockey population that didn't get it. Poor them.

The year was full of surprises, most of which I'll probably elaborate on in my next post. What did YOU like this year?

Plus/Minus: The most wonderful whine of the year

2011-12-26T15:00:00.000-05:00

Hockey was kind of frustrating, and there was a holiday to celebrate, so this Plus/Minus is a little erratic. Then again, what isn't erratic about Habs Nation these days?

NICE

+ Jerome Simpson's flip (and perfect landing) is the coolest thing I've seen since... last week, I guess, when Al Montoya jumped over Petteri Nokelainen.
+ San Francisco 49er Braylon Edwards gave $10, 000 scholarships to 79 college students. That's about equal to the salary that he made this season. Amazing.
+ Basketball is back!
+ Scratching P.K. Subban, even though the team lost to Winnipeg, was a good call. The poor guy needed his rest, and will probably benefit from the perspective he got by watching the game instead of being on the ice for half of it.

+ I've been thinking for a while about how sports fans tend to let their love for a team supercede other things, and if being one of those people makes you a good fan. So Dave Stubbs tweeting "Life is what matters, Habs and hockey are just a game" really hit home with me. And the girl who attended this week's Green Bay Packers game holding a "My Cheating Ex-Boyfriend Is Watching From Couch Instead" sign just made me laugh.
+ Christmas is about so much more than children and toys, but if you'll allow me a brief "kids and toys" moment: The little girl in this video is so adorable, and so right. I may have liked pink princess toys when I was a kid, but I still know exactly how she feels.

NAUGHTY (and not in a cheeky way)

On Wednesdays we wear pink

- Le Journal de Montréal continues to be pulpy, prejudiced, and just downright stupid when it comes to talking about hockey these days. Oh, crap, did I just write that in English? Désolée, J de M.
- Why on earth would one of the NHL's most lucrative franchises need to start selling ad space on its practice jerseys?
- ESPN's In Memoriam montage didn't include any of the hockey players that passed away this year? The only consolation is that hockey fans mourned them, and will continue to remember them.
- I know that fans are upset with the Canadiens, but there should be a limit to just how angry we (as fans) get with our own players and team. I wish there was a way for everyone to be angry without being ridiculous.

- First of two 24/7-related Minuses: Peter Laviolette was really frickin' upset with a game official when the Flyers were in Montreal last week. That happens all the time - but accusing him of being biased toward the Canadiens, and stupidly calling it "typical Montreal"? Can someone explain that to me? Laviolette knows that every referee makes bad calls, and that every team thinks that the refs are biased against them? And that, as far as I know, the referees work for the league, not the city they're working in that night?
- Second 24/7-related Minus: Why doesn't Jaromir Jagr want to eat lunch with Ilya Bryzgalov? Are we in high school again?

- Every player in the NBA looks like he forgot to shave his lockout beard. Why are all these lockout beards the same weird shape? Am I behind on the latest facial hair trends? Don't answer that.

Here's hoping that this year's World Juniors are as exciting as ever, and that Habs fans are even more rested than the players after Christmas break.

Merry Christmas, everyone

2011-12-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

Graphic from Pucks and Pixels

I hope you all get whatever makes you happy. Tell your families that you love them, and tell your hockey players that you won't give up on them.

Everything slightly outdated is new again

2011-12-20T23:44:00.000-05:00

News recently broke that MTV is reviving Punk'd, and that Ashton Kutcher will be back to produce.
No, I'm completely serious. No, I have no idea why.

Anyway, it's true that in Hollywood, everything old is new again. And in the case of the Muppets, it's a good thing. (Sidenote: I am so happy to have the Muppets back, and that "Which Muppet are you?" quiz I took a few years ago on Facebook was accurate.)

But now, it seems that everything slightly outdated is also new again: what with the X-Men prequel that I have yet to see, the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man movie coming out this summer, and the now-cancelled Charlie's Angels series that was probably atrocious, and whatever they're going to do to Buffy, and this Punk'd reboot, which had better get Justin Bieber good.

So what else was popular less than 15 years ago but more than 2 years ago, and thus probably needs to make a comeback?

Boy bands: The world needs more boy bands. How are we supposed to find tomorrow's movie stars if they're not cheesy boy band singers first?

Ocean's Eleven: Not the Rat Pack classic with the awesome voices and questionable representation of women. The remake of it is what needs a remake. I mean, seriously, the cast is great but Bradley Cooper isn't even in it.

All of those crappy Kate Hudson movies: Are just begging to be remade as crappy Katherine Heigl movies.

But McConaughey is irreplaceable

Britney Spears: is played out, right? Oh, wait, that's why the world has Ke$ha and Lady Gaga. (<3 u, Ke$ha!)

Xena, Warrior Princess: is going to get re-made into a movie, possibly starring Zoe Saldana. If this actually happens, all (three) of my readers owe me an iced coffee beverage.

The Matrix: Maybe with sequels that make sense this time.

Firefly: Six seasons and a movie, most likely starring Liam Hemsworth as Mal.

Good luck, Liam Hemsworth

CSI: Are those still on?

Armageddon: Now that the US doesn't really have a Space Program anymore, I guess this one will never see the light of day.

Ashton Kutcher's desperate attempt to be P. Diddy's best friend: The only thing that changes is that he now goes by "Diddy."

Have fun, Ashton.

Plus/Minus: Happy days

2011-12-18T21:10:00.000-05:00

I wanted to sleep in past 10 on a Saturday morning, but then my phone exploded with Habs news. It looks like Pierre Gauthier and I are on different work schedules, which is okay because at least this time he didn't trade for a former Bruin.

PLUS

+ Congratulations on your first NHL goal, Louis Leblanc! Please do not rest on this laurel. We need goals.
+ Hal Gill scored a goal! Confession: I cheered louder for his empty-net safety goal than I did for anything else during that game.

+ I may not like the Flyers or the Rangers, but I'd watch a full 22-episode season of 24/7 if they made one. The production value is astounding. I'm convinced the editors don't sleep. The show is compelling, and somehow both honest and cinematic at the same time. I love a good hockey game and a good documentary, and often people who watch one won't see the value in the other. But the consistent greatness of 24/7 changes that.
+ Jimmy Fallon's episode of SNL was the best of the season so far. Even the unfunny sketches were funny!

MINUS

just because.

- What happened to Erik Cole during yesterday's game against the Devils? He spent more time in the penalty box than anywhere else.
- The Los Angeles Kings hired Darryl Sutter as their coach. The Sutters are part of the reason why my interest in the Calgary Flames waned. The other reason was the Kings. Now I don't know what to do with myself.
- What on Earth did T-Pain do to one of Lily Allen's prettiest, most honest songs?

SPECIAL COACH-RELATED PLUS AND MINUS
+ I'm not one to celebrate a man losing his job, but the Jacques Martin system has run its course. The team wasn't winning any more, and Jacques didn't seem to care. At all. So he was replaced by someone who's got some experience working with the team's younger players, and who has just a little bit of crazy in his eyes, and I think that this is going to be for the best. Even though I should probably stop calling him Richie Cunningham.
- Oh, and within two hours of Cunneyworth getting hired, the language issue was brought up. I understand that translating takes time, and that it makes things inconvenient when you're a journalist trying to break a story, but it's not the end of the world. So please, certain media outlets, save your passive-aggressive negativity for another time.

There is no way that the upcoming week can be as busy as the last few weeks were. Right? The coach got fired, so what could possibly be left? Playing the Bruins, Blackhawks, and Jets? More gum-flapping about Randy Cunneyworth not speaking French? Christmas? The fact that I haven't wrapped any gifts and will probably spend a whole lot of time at work this week?
Everything's cool as long as this team keeps winning.

Plus/Minus: It's a mad mad mad mad mad world

2011-12-12T23:24:00.000-05:00

Just when you think things can't get any crazier, they do. I'm pretty sure that there's some kind of universal law about that, no? If there isn't, can we name it after me?

PLUS

+ No matter, what, the Habs' yearly children's hospital visits always get a Plus. The players have so many roles to play, and sure, sometimes they don't have their best game, and sometimes they spit a few clichés at beat reporters and call it a night, but playing the part of a sick little kid's hero? That's not the kind of thing you can do easily, and you can't just coast through it or fake it. These guys step up every year, and the kids love them for it.

+ Congratulations to Frédéric St. Denis on his first NHL goal!
+ Angry Josh Gorges.
+ It hurts to congratulate a goalie you play against, but both Curtis Sanford and Roberto Luongo were great in their shootout wins over Montreal this week.
+ That being said, no one can deny just how important Carey Price is to this team. I don't even want to think about where the Canadiens would be without him. He's every bit as talented and composed as he needs to be - any more would just be gravy.
+ Last Monday, in a game against Phoenix, Jonathan Toews did everything that you could possibly want a star forward to do.
+ As a TV fan, I believe that a good Christmas episode should have you in stitches and/or tears, preferably both at the same time. My TV comedies were great at that last week: especially How I Met Your Mother and Parks and Recreation with the tears.
+ Taran Killam's recreation of Robyn's "Call Your Girlfriend" video: pure hilarity, and proof that the people on SNL are funnier than you think they are.

MINUS

A week ago I'd have thought this was Photoshopped

- I’m kind of glad that Madonna being announced as the Super Bowl halftime performer wasn’t the biggest sports story of the week. Way too much whining about this as if it were a problem. It’s not a problem. There are two kinds of people in this world: people who like Madonna and people who lie.
- Sure, Spacek was an inconsistent, goofy, injury-prone big lug, but he was OUR inconsistent, goofy, injury-prone big lug. I wanted to keep him.
- Pierre Gauthier and Jacques Martin tried awfully hard to spin the Kaberle trade to appease Habs fans. I would have preferred honesty over blank praise. I know it's never going to happen, but I still kind of wish it would.
- Is it terrible of me to think that maybe Sidney Crosby wouldn't be out of a roster spot again if he hadn't started playing again when he did? People thought that his recovery was some kind of a miracle, and the greatest thing in sports or something. And I hate to Grinch all over it but maybe he was rushed back too soon, by doctors who may not have known that it was too soon, and maybe this just proves that we don't know enough about brain injuries.

- I have no idea what would motivate Pat Hickey to write such terrible things about Theo Fleury. But to think that he actually thought, and wrote, and then actually submitted these things for print is just awful. I can't even put it into words.

- If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen yesterday that I got mad at someone who made a rude comment towards me. I'd like to elaborate a little on that. I maybe got a little too angry, and tried to stoop to his level. In the words of Bob Gainey: "When you're being bullied, if you don't stand up for yourself... who's going to?" I'm sorry if the way that I expressed myself seemed immature, but I was upset, and I will never not be upset when someone tells me I can't or shouldn't do something just because I'm female.

Chin up, Habs fans

2011-12-09T08:35:00.000-05:00

So the Habs just lost two games in a row. In shootouts. To goalies who, logic would argue, are not better than our goalie.

It sucks. But if you think that the games against Columbus and Vancouver are the worst things you've ever seen... You obviously haven't watched the trailer for the new Three Stooges movie.

I'd link to it... but, just trust me on this one.

Plus/Minus: no self-portraits here

2011-12-04T21:45:00.001-05:00

Judging by what's been popular on the Internet this week... My male readers (if I have any) are probably upset that I'm fully clothed as I write this, and that I wear my jerseys as the hockey gods intended, not hacked beyond recognition into a tiny censor bar of a dress. Um, sorry? Can I make a couple puns to make up for it?

PLUS

+ Erik Cole flew Louis Leblanc's parents to Anaheim so that they could attend their son's first NHL game. If that isn't a Plus, I don't know what is.
+ Josh Gorges didn't shave his mustache as soon as the clock struck midnight and the month of December started. He must have known that Movember is my favourite time of year.
+ Carey Price saved his team's ass against the LA Kings AND hammed it up in a hysterical All Star Game campaign video.
+ Now-former Carolina Hurricanes coach Paul Maurice left a note for Kirk Muller, wishing him the best of luck and complimenting the team. It takes a lot of class to do something like that.
+ Saku Koivu still has nothing but great things to say about his days as a Hab. I feel the same way.
+ Ryan Jones hat trick, or something. I guess it's because of the hair.

MINUS

It can't be because of the picture, why, no!

- Are we done talking about Paulina Gretzky? Apparently, if your dad is the greatest hockey player of all time, you can be a newsmaker just by tweeting a few cleave shots. (Seriously, a newsmaker.) It's almost like men are surprised that she's hot, because they didn't know that professional athletes always marry pretty girls, and thus their children have a good chance of being attractive. Also, is this really what happens every time some yellow-haired girl posts pictures of herself online because she's desperate for attention? ...On second thought, don't answer that.

- Los Angeles Kings: I love you, but get your asses off of my goalie.
- A three-game suspension for Max Pacioretty's hit on Kris Letang is a little harsh. I doubt every guy who hits another player in the same way is going to be suspended for three games.
- Everyone who gets mad at Andrei Markov for not being ready to come back yet, or who calls him a waste of money. Where's your loyalty?

We are now faced with our first mustache-less week. I'm not sure exactly how this is going to go. But so far, it looks like our Carey is just as awesome without his 'stache as he was with it.

Plus/Minus will miss mustaches

2011-11-27T21:48:00.000-05:00

The first boring game against the Bruins in a long time. Something or other in Carolina (I was busy buying peanut butter cups and accidentally making a terrible Caesar salad, which I didn't know was possible.) A DAYTIME game in Philly, what even is that about. And I'm not even sure what happened against Pittsburgh.
At least there was a lot of hockey this week, right?

PLUS

+ More than ever, Phoenix Coyotes property Andy Miele is a HIHW sweetheart. (It was awfully dusty at the exact moment I read that tweet, I swear.)
+ TSN Radio 990's Simon Tsalikis wrote a hysterically mean tweet lambasting the excitement surrounding Crosby's return. Most people didn't laugh at it, but Simon isn't the guy who wants to make people angry. He just wants to make people laugh, and I laughed, so mission accomplished.
+ A Plus to Travis Moen for his 50th career goal.
+ Josh Gorges leads the league in blocked shots.
+ Why am I so excited about the NBA lockout being over?
+ Saku Koivu scored a goal on his birthday.
+ Rob Riggle's guest stint on this week's Happy Endings was every kind of weird and funny. It looks like both he and Casey Wilson actually were better off being fired from SNL: they've found other ways to showcase their comedic strengths.

MINUS

You're right, Carey.

- The officiating in last night's game against Pittsburgh was just terrible. Bad calls all around, for both teams; so bad that even I noticed, which I rarely do.
- A few Penguins fans overexaggerated Max Pacioretty's hit on Kris Letang. I'm not going to defend the hit, but no person in their right mind could actually think that Pacioretty's hit was more malicious or did more damage than the one that put him in the hospital last season. Max Pacioretty is not a terrible person. Quit your whining.
- I feel like every sentence that starts with the name "Scott Gomez" ends with either "is injured" or "sucks." Can that change, please?

The Habs are California-bound. Is it too late to sneak onto that charter? I've been to the last two Habs-Kings games and I'd like to make it a three-peat, plus I need a vacation to take my mind off the end of Movember.

Fantasy sports are still a mystery

2011-11-24T22:49:00.000-05:00

Do you remember last season's Office episode where Erin finally meets Holly Flax, Michael's soulmate, and just does not understand why Michael loves her?

"I don't get it!"

That's how I feel about a lot of things. And, a few months after I was convinced to try it, I'm pretty sure it's how I feel about fantasy sports. (I haven't checked the scores of today's big NFL games or how my fantasy football team, When In Romo, is doing.)

Sure, I get to come up with lists and lists of pun-tastic team names until I finally pick one. And I get to pretend to hate people for a minute if they draft the goalie or the tight end I want, which I guess is fun?
And I get to decide on a draft strategy. For instance, almost every football player I chose had an awesome name (Jacquizz Rodgers is awesome on its own, and Kendall Hunter makes me think of Buffy). And I get to pretend I'm in charge of players... even though it would be much cooler to literally be in charge of Jonathan Toews. But I feel like the fun ends once the team's name and logo are chosen.

All I've really done so far in fantasy football is learn a few more players' names, and find out who's a good fantasy player. I haven't adopted any new players or teams as a result of fantasy football or hockey. I'm worried that eventually I'll turn into that person who doesn't get upset when their favourite team gets scored on and says something like, "It's okay because I have Van Riemsdyk in my pool." Or that person who doesn't care how gorgeous that Jordan Eberle goal was if it wasn't assisted by Taylor Hall. People let their fantasy teams compromise their love of the game sometimes, and I just can't let myself do that. I don't get mad at my players when they get injured; instead I just think it sucks for them, because I picked them up expecting them to have a great season, and an injury is going to keep them from doing a job they love.

I'm also not really sure why it's fun. I decided to try fantasy football and hockey because so many people told me that it was fun. (Their exact words.) And I turned down a few offers to join even more leagues, so clearly lots of people enjoy this. Although no one but my brother has taken more than a minute to explain to me how it works... so, how fun is it, really?
So far, all I enjoy is winning. It's fun to win, especially during those weeks where I don't really "win" at anything else, but victories come as a result of pure luck. You can try and trade for the right players or set the right lineups, but ultimately everything comes down to chance. You put the same amount of effort into a win as you do a loss. No one likes losing at anything, but it's not like I really had any part in the loss.

I can only assume that most people are like me: They want to win at something, and that's why they keep joining fantasy leagues. But if there's anything I'm missing, please explain it to me, because I don't get it.

Separated at birth?

2011-11-22T20:35:00.000-05:00

My sister and I first noticed this a couple of years ago, and I don't think I've ever mentioned it on this blog before, but I need to share this. For two reasons, mostly.
1- The new Muppet movie comes out tomorrow.
2- There was an a Twitter-wide discussion today about who the best Muppet is, and poor Gonzo got a whole lot of hate.

So... THIS has never been truer:

They could be brothers!

Is IR a lie?

2011-11-21T20:58:00.000-05:00

Today is a special day in hockey, because Sidney Crosby is the only player to ever return from an injury in the history of the NHL.
Or so everyone would have me believe, but come on, I'm not THAT clueless about hockey, and you're not all that kid I saw at the Hockey Hall of Fame blazing past the Gordie Howe jersey and through the replica Canadiens' dressing room, in search of a Crosby poster. (No, I'm completely serious. That kid exists. He actually said, "I don't care, I only like Crosby."

Anyway, what's up with all those other guys who have missed games lately? I did some sleuthing to find out what they were really up to:

Hal Gill: He's fine, he just needed a few days off to catch up on Terra Nova and jam to the new Florence + The Machine album.

Scott Gomez: Spent some time swimming through his money like Scrooge McDuck.

Ryan White: Filming a bit part in The Avengers, unfortunately has not convinced Scarlett Johansson to go out with him yet.

Andrei Markov: Disney World!

Marky's new practice helmet.

Mason Raymond: Designed a line of fancy back braces, for guys who just think they look cool.

David Perron: Did some travelling and found himself. Yeah, it took him a while. You can't trek through a desert in a day. He'll be back to the game as soon as he finishes doing all his laundry and checking his voicemail.

Ryan Miller: Will return to the game once his album drops.

But, unfortunately, we won't be hearing about all this because it's not as important or something. (By the way, everyone, guess who else is putting out a new album soon? Bruce Springsteen, the only boss we listen to.) I'm very happy that Crosby's healthy enough to be back and do more than make commercials, but I want to hear about other injured players too, you know? What's Ryan Miller's album going to be called?

Plus/Minus: Do the wave

2011-11-20T19:48:00.000-05:00

I'm not quite sure what to say about a week in which Carey Price posts two shutouts but the Habs also lose to the Islanders. Life is full of surprises, I guess.

They see me trollin'...

PLUS
+ Erik Cole's trolling is hysterical.
+ Two shutouts, Carey. Unbelievable. I love my goalie so damn much.
+ Travis Moen. Goal. Again.
+ For the even rarer goals: A Plus to Paul Bissonnette for scoring his fifth career goal! And his mom was there! Probably the only time I won't be grossed out by a headline like "BizNasty scores with mom at game."
+ Drew Doughty's mustache.

+ Ironic that Glee's best episode of the season came after its worst. "Hot For Teacher" is easily one of my favourite musical numbers this season. And I don't usually do this, but I immediately downloaded the Adele mashup.
+ I usually like my funny shows to be funny, but damn it if How I Met Your Mother isn't so damn good at the dramatic stuff.
+ The first two episodes of Once Upon A Time hadn't quite convinced me to love the show. But the third and fourth episodes most definitely have.

MINUS

He's a natural!

- For some reason, I'm not able to put Mason Raymond as a write-in vote for the All Star Game. Can someone please fix this? Voting for MayRay is an annual tradition for me.
- Jonathan Toews and Carey Price didn't make the Sexiest Man Alive shortlist? WHY I NEVER. ...Oh, wait, this isn't that kind of blog. Still, I am offended.
- I'm kind of upset that the Hamilton Bulldogs didn't win at the Bell Centre on Friday, but I'm more upset that their next game in Montreal isn't against the Marlies. It's on my hockey wishlist!
- I talked about what a mess this whole Penn State situation was last week. And now we find out that former coach (and octogenarian) Joe Paterno has been diagnosed with cancer, and without even thinking about it, popular opinion dictates that he deserves it. I don't care who the patient is, a cancer diagnosis is NEVER good news. Finding joy in someone else's misfortune because he had it coming shouldn't be popular opinion. I'm not taking anyone's side here. I'm just stating what I think is right, and you're all welcome to disagree with me if you'd like to.

- Eddy Palchak retired before I started watching hockey, and now he won't be around to tell stories about all the amazing things that the Canadiens have done. His passing is an unfortunate reminder that eventually, the Habs' golden history will be so far behind us that all we'll be left with are memories. Let's keep those memories alive, and do everything to support our team and have incredible stories of our own. Rest in peace, Eddy.

Oh, and this week Sidney Crosby is back or something, I guess.

Plus/Minus: Without y'all, I can't buy my Phantom

2011-11-13T21:27:00.000-05:00

So maybe this team is scrappier than I thought they were. It's kind of inspiring: people count them out, and we all keep wondering what's wrong and if things will get better or worse, and then the Habs win. I need to learn to stop counting them out.

PLUS

+ The above tweet from Paul Bissonnette, who's a good guy once you get past all the girls in yoga pants and whatnot. (But if you'd rather just go for laughs, read Ron Artest's tweets about how much he misses playing basketball.)
+ Teemu Selanne dressed up as Batman for Halloween! How awesome is that? (I heard rumblings that one of our Habs also dressed up as Batman, but unlike the Coyotes, the Habs' Halloween pictures remain a secret...)
+ For those days when work never ends, and you think you should go to bed early instead of watching the end of the game, but you change your mind and Josh Gorges scores the overtime game-winning goal.
+ Travis Moen, you are scoring goals this season. And the team appeciates that.
+ Max Pacioretty needs to go to the All-Star Game. (See Minus for more on the ASG.)
+ Ryan Miller called Milan Lucic a piece of... well, you know. And while I'm not sure that that's sportsmanlike or whatever, it's hella entertaining and I look forward to quoting that sound bite and seeing it on SportsCentre Top 10s for some time.

MINUS

I thought I could trust him

- Does Carey know that PK was triple-low-fiving another goalie?
- I'm sorry, but I still don't know what a Scrivens is. Someone please explain, and make fun of me if you must.
- Hey, Flyers and Bolts: you know that playing hockey involves MOVING AROUND, right?
- I thought players had to play a minimum number of games to be eligible for the All-Star ballot. But Sidney Crosby is on it. So, can we just write anyone in? A locked-out basketball player? An actor who played a hockey player in a movie? Sidney Crosby's dad? Batman? LMFAO? Or how about my cat? They've all played just as many games this season as Crosby has. I encourage you to vote for my cat.

- There is literally nothing I can say about this Penn State mess that hasn't been said already, and especially nothing that can make this situation better. I don't know why anyone didn't realize that covering up child molestation is not only unbelievably wrong, but even worse for the school's future than taking immediate action. I don't know what could have motivated so many people to want to cover this up. I don't know why Joe Paterno didn't realize that this scandal could end his career, and didn't try to show some sort of remorse or accountability by retiring before getting fired. But I do know one thing: it's made us as fans think about what we may not know is happening behind the scenes, and that maybe our loyalty to a sport isn't the most important thing there is in life.

Plus/Minus is not hiding out in the locker room

2011-11-06T22:11:00.001-05:00

I guess I needed a few days off from hockey to stop squeeing with excitement at all of the winning. And to catch up on everything on my DVR.

Yes, that is where Scott Gomez goes when he goes to work

PLUS
+ I had a great time at the FestiFan today. I got to visit some areas of the Bell Centre that are usually off-limits to lowly fan-blogger-folk like me, and see the NHL tablecloth that goes under the Stanley Cup! (You may not know how much I want a tablecloth like that.) And Michel Lacroix told me I was prettier than the people who usually keep him company in the penalty box. Doesn't every girl want to hear that she's prettier than Zdeno Chara?

+ Andrei Kostitsyn might have to take up baking, because his haters need a plate of humble pie.
+ Okay, okay. I reluctantly give a Plus to Erik Cole because maybe he has a purpose.
+ Steven Stamkos scored a hat trick! Matt Duchene scored a hat trick! (So did a Bruin but whatever.)
+ Parks and Recreation has found the right balance of hilarity and heart. If the entire "End of the World" episode isn't proof of that, then you need to watch it - and the Halloween episode - again.

MINUS

- Rangers fans chanting "USA! USA!" at Madison Square Garden. Um, what? Why? Our captain is from the same place as your captain, and your goals (except for that BS empty-netter) were scored by Canadians.
- Terrible, terrible penalty calls in the game against the Rangers.
- I had to wait a month to watch Fox's Tuesday comedy lineup again... and I was kind of disappointed.

Can someone please help me find enough tea to calm down Czechtacular for the week, what with the Oilers and the Phoenix? She may go insane.

Plus/Minus: More treats than tricks?

2011-10-31T21:36:00.000-04:00

So I saw a little kid dressed up as Wolverine for Halloween, and for the first time in two weeks I didn't think to myself that if superheroes were real, the Habs could really use one, maybe on the third line or something.
Because holy crap, the losing streak is over. Maybe our appetites can go back to normal.

PLUS

Feels so good to see a triple low five again!

+ 3 They won! Three games!
1/2 of a + The new sets that RDS built for l'Antichambre and for panelists during away games are great. It looks like RDS actually spent money on them, and we know RDS has money. (But I took away half of this Plus because that money probably came from putting ads on the glass.)
+ Raphael Diaz jumping in front of the net and blocking a shot? Brilliant.
+ To whoever decided to end the disastrous run of Carey's pink pads. I don't think I can take credit for this, but if you think the Canadiens listened to me, I won't stop you. Carey himself told Dave Stubbs that the choice to put the pink away "came from higher up." No one seems to know exactly who he means... but you can leave your theories in the comments!

MINUS
- The Bruins fan in Boston on Thursday who repurposed this sign:

and changed the Canucks logo to a Habs one, obviously. Do these people not know that there's an H inside that C, and that sCHared isn't a word?
- They fired Perry Pearn? I know you can't start a fire without a spark, but no one in this city actually believes that Pearn was the problem.
- So, Raffi Torres dressed up as Jay-Z for Halloween and there was a picture of it on the Internet and things hit the fan. It was ugly. Some people didn't think it mattered, or immediately came to his defense, some journalists got on their high horse as if they were the only person who knows blackface is wrong, and some people jumped to the immediate conclusion that Torres is an atrocious human being. And somehow, no one came to the conclusion that he's a person who did an offensive (and probably misguided, considering he should have thought about pictures of him maybe being on the Internet) thing. One Halloween costume might not actually mean that he's a racist, just like how a person who says one smart thing is not, by default, an intelligent person. Can we please look at this as an isolated incident in his personal life, learn from it, and move on?

On another note, today being October 31st means that tomorrow is November 1st, officially marking the start of Movember, when men will grow mustaches and raise money for prostate cancer research. And yes, just like last year, there will be hockey players taking part. (You may remember last year's NHL Movember post, which was so much fun to write. You may also remember Carey Price posting hourly shutouts every day last Movember, even when he was off the ice, because his mustache was that magic.) My All Habs teammate Bailey and I are collaborating on this Tumblr page about hockey mustaches. Check back throughout the month, and if you can, you should donate to the cause.

Habs v Bruins: Retraction

2011-10-27T00:42:00.000-04:00

(Note: oh my word the Canadiens actually won a game. The amount of meals I've eaten since their last win is... actually, not that extraordinary, since I lost my appetite and was reduced to the non-mealtime stress eating of chocolate and leftover mashed potatoes. Not at the same time, of course. That being said, I am again proud of my team for doing what they do best.)

This summer, I wrote a blog post chronicling my reactions to free agent signings using pictures from Arrested Development.

I chose the wrong picture to express Benoit Pouliot signing in Boston. I should have gone with this:

Plus/Minus reaches for the Pinot

2011-10-23T22:37:00.000-04:00

A week has passed since the last Plus/Minus, and the team has lost enough times to change my mind about this "all Plus" business. (See my previous post for foods that can help you deal with all this.)

PLUS

Can we send this in to Cute Overload?

+ I shouldn't condone violence, but Carey Price is the only Hab willing to stand up for Carey Price, so he might as well have given Nazem Kadri that little smack upside the head. (Yeah, I said it. I'm sure Leafs fans are going to start pelting rocks at me for it. Whatever.)
+ Congratulations to Hal Gill on his 1000th career NHL game, and can I again say that his family is so adorable. Also mad props to whoever in the organization decided to have his teammates give flowers to his wife and mother - so cute!
+ Congratulations to Mike Cammalleri on his 500th game, and to former Hab Ryan O'Byrne on his 200th game.
+ Josh Gorges scored a goal!! ...wait, what? They gave it to Travis Moen? Okay, fine, I guess Moen is still a goal-scoring machine.

MINUS

Yeah, so that Bruin is now a Hab

- Hamilton Bulldog Joe Stejskal got hit pretty badly this week.
- Brock Trotter came back from Europe... only to get traded away. Can someone explain to me what is happening?
- Ads on the glass, RDS? Are you freaking serious? I've always hated those, and hoped I wouldn't have to see them on a regular basis, but RDS didn't listen to me. What's next? Is Mario Tremblay going to change his name to Ford F-150?
- Two consecutive losses to the Leafs? It makes my heart hurt.
- People calling for Jacques Martin's head: Firing a coach isn't going to solve all the team's problems. I don't like him either, but pointing fingers isn't going to help us get through this.
- And a Minus to indulge the superstitious side of me: Someone take Carey Price's pink pads (even though the breast cancer awareness angle is incredibly thoughtful) and burn them. Sacrifice them like Carey did to Josh Gorges' stick a couple of years ago. PLEASE.

It's all right. Tomorrow is another day. They might win, they might lose... But the beauty of tomorrow is that we don't know, and that each new game is a chance at a new start. That's a Plus, right?

The way to a fan's heart

2011-10-23T18:32:00.000-04:00

So maybe your favourite hockey team hasn't won a game in two weeks, even though they should theoretically have been able to whup at least one of those teams' asses. And maybe your team's coach is being an idiot, and maybe one of the players has made it public that they don't get along and you can't even pick sides in this feud because you're just so sick of both of them. And maybe like half the team is injured, and maybe the guys who are still on the ice seem nearly incapable of defending their own goalie. And maybe they traded away one of the only Bulldogs you still care about. And maybe one of your favourite players scored a goal, then had it taken away from him. And maybe they play four games in the next week and you don't even know how to feel about that.
And maybe your favourite soccer player is retiring.
And maybe your NFL team failboated until you decided you couldn't watch them lose another game and then they won.

Maybe your usual optimism isn't quite working out for you in light of all this.

Maybe you just need to stop thinking about sports and eat your feelings. About halfway through last night's game, I just happened to read a blog post about great foods for emotional eating. I should probably have read my friend Robyn's guide to being a gracious loser instead, but... food.
So, I'm making my own suggestions to eat these Habs worries away:

Ice cream and wine. I just saw a place on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives that made nearly everything into a flavour of gelato. You could go there and have Merlot sorbet and Parmesan ice cream. That's classy emotional eating. I'm sure Audrey Hepburn would approve. (Sidebar: Do you think Audrey Hepburn ever even tasted ice cream?)

Mashed potatoes. I literally ate all of the mashed potatoes and stuffing and mashed sweet potatoes that were left over from Thanksgiving. (Probably also some turkey.) Why mashed potatoes? You could put gravy on them. You can load them up with butter. Wait... why am I even trying to sell mashed potatoes? They sell themselves!

Shipwreck Dinner. It's a recipe I came across once, and it's the ultimate comfort food. (Even for a lactose intolerant loser like me.) Mac and cheese, beef, tomatoes, and more cheese? What's not to love?

Cool Whip and Oreos. Why not? Just the thought of last night's game makes me wish I had Cool Whip and Oreos.

Peanut butter cups. One of the foods that I think can make any problem seem smaller. For the minute or so that it takes to eat a peanut butter cup, it seems like chocolate and peanut butter are the only important things in life. Remember that Reese's commercial where they reminded you that there are 3 Reese cups in a package and 3 periods in a hockey game? They've lost 5 games. So, fifteen Reese cups it is.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have fifteen Reese cups to eat before the next game.

Not really a game preview: Habs v Penguins

2011-10-19T21:54:00.000-04:00

So as you probably already know, Arron Asham of the Pittsburgh Penguins did this:

And as you may or may not know, I'll be contributing to the Habs 360 podcast about twice a month this season. This week, instead of just having my own segment(!), I stepped in as a guest co-host. In what was supposed to be an interview with a Penguins blogger discussing the team as a whole and not just this event, I may have gone a little too far. I'll let you decide:

Listen to internet radio with Chris G on Blog Talk Radio

The interview is about halfway through the podcast. I'm still terrified of the sound of my own voice, so I haven't listened to it again in its entirety.

Plus/Minus gets cut in half

2011-10-16T18:33:00.000-04:00

So, the Habs are back home. And I'm so happy to have them back home that I've decided to not give out any Minuses this week. I know, I know, it's the blogging equivalent of a burger without fries, but we could all use a little less negativity. I might have reason to dole out some Minuses, but I won't. So, Plus/Minus this week is only Plus.

(Consider yourself lucky, Mike Cammalleri. I saw that suit you wore to the home opener. That would have been a Minus. You looked like Gatsby.)

PLUS

+ People cheering for Andrei Kostitsyn during the home opener!
+ Two Habs goals in less than a minute? Yeah, I'll take it. Even if the Habs did lose to Colorado.
+ Travis Moen is a goal-scoring machine. (And that right there is not words I ever thought I'd put together.)
+ The gentleman who wore a Gordie Howe jersey to the Bell Centre on Saturday. Howe was neither a Hab nor an Avalanche(?)*, but, there's no such thing as the wrong hockey game for a Gordie Howe jersey.

+ There was a slightly old-school vibe to the Bell Centre on Saturday night. Lots of organ music and the occasional old song? I know the Bell Centre is too new to have that kind of history, but I kind of wish I could have seen the days when hockey games were attended by people that could truly be referred to as ladies and gentlemen.

+ I hate to say it, but Jeremy Roenick's controversial comments about Sidney Crosby and the obsession with his progress (or lack thereof) were spot-on. Crosby will play when he's ready to play. Until then, there are literally hundreds of other players in the NHL who also exist, whose accomplishments, shortcomings, injuries and misfortunes could be discussed or written about.
+ Congratulations, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, on scoring a goal for each of your names.

TV + I love how every character relationship on Parks and Recreation works so differently, and so well. The Donna-Tom "Treat Yo Self" storyline worked so well that I now want to treat myself. (Czechtacular and I don't have the money to become cashmere-velvet candy canes, but we're gonna dip into the Hab It Her Way Manicure Fund and get our nails done. Treat yo self.) And I always like seeing Leslie and Ron interact. The characters just work so well together.
+ Probably the best episode of Happy Endings this season aired on Wednesday. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sing along to "Torn" again.

I've been to two Canadiens games so far and it's only the week after Thanksgiving. That is a huge Plus.
Now, about that 100th win, Carey...

* What is the singular of "Avalanche"? Can I just call one of them an Av, or a snowflake, or what?

Plus/Minus wants more turkey

2011-10-10T19:57:00.000-04:00

It's Thanksgiving. I've got a belly full of turkey and an excuse to write. That's what I'm thankful for. (I know, I know, nobody asked me what I'm thankful for.)

BETTER THAN EXTRA GRAVY
+ Jacques Martin wore a decent suit to the season premiere! What happened to all of his suits that were the same colour as broth? (Don't answer that.)
+ What a beautiful tribute to Rick Rypien from the Winnipeg Jets. I like that he was cheered one last time during the video montage, since the home opener was too much of a joyous occasion to expect fans to stay quiet for a moment of silence. That being said, yes, Winnipeg fans were just as enthusiastic as we expected them to be.
+ Travis Moen scored a goal? Travis Moen scored a goal!
+ Copy-pasted from the Calgary Flames' Facebook page: [Jarome Iginla] now passes Lanny McDonald in points with 1007, moves to 75th in the NHL's all-time point leaders list, and is now 15 goals away from 500.

+ 2 Congratulations to Anthony Calvillo on breaking the professional football record for passing yards. (More than Brett Favre!) And a standing ovation to the Alouettes for serving Thanksgiving dinner at a soup kitchen.

TV
+ Two of Fox's comedies won me over this week with dance numbers, and neither of them was Glee: First was New Girl, with a slowed-down chicken dance set to Phil Collins, and who doesn't love Phil Collins? (Don't answer that.) Second was Raising Hope, with a cute "slow dance to a fast song" moment between Jimmy and Sabrina.
+ Okay and Glee was pretty good this week too. I loved the focus on Mike Chang - it was the exact plot of every dance movie, ever, and yet didn't feel like a typical dance movie at all.
+ The local media was all abuzz when Pan Am premiered and Quebec girl Karine Vanasse was on TV. This week's Pan Am proved that she was cast for a reason: she showed her character's emotional scars from World War II. Great performance.

WORSE THAN STORE-BOUGHT STUFFING
- So was there like a conspiracy to break Chris Campoli?
- The season just started, and the Canadiens have already lost Mike Cammalleri to injury for two weeks. Damn you, hockey skates, for being sharp! Get well soon, Cammy!

- When even Jack Todd thinks that Don Cherry is wrong, he's really, really wrong. By calling former players like Chris Nilan hypocrites for feeling sympathy for the enforcers we lost this summer, he's basically calling himself an idiot. First of all, Chris Nilan was a great player and fought a lot of good fights. But some of those fights weren't on the ice. He's been through a lot, and hockey fans are lucky that he's still around to spice up talk radio and sign autographs for us. He does not deserve to be called names. Second, the NHL has changed. Don Cherry is worried that if the game evolves too much, he'll be out of a job. And isn't that more important than the hot-button issue of player safety? It's not? Oh, I guess Mr. Cherry just can't hear us over his suits!

- The New York Jets lost to the New England Patriots. That was not cool.

Oh, and another thing I'm thankful for? The home opener isn't until Thursday, so I'm thankful for being all-clear to watch Fox Tuesday.

Rookie tries fantasy hockey.

2011-10-05T23:29:00.001-04:00

So this is what it's like to build a team.
Except Gauthier is a vegetarian and I love chicken wings, so not really.

I recently joined a hockey pool for the first time, and learned that "fantasy hockey" isn't those dreams I have where Josh Gorges makes me waffles and we watch Arrested Development together. (Did I just blog that out loud?)

My draft was yesterday, and it was every bit as stressful as my fantasy football draft a few weeks ago. I'm guessing that all the grumbling and the yelling and the loud noises and rise in blood pressure are normal when drafting a fantasy team?

In any case, here's the lineup for Every Day I'm Byfuglien:

FORWARDS
Evgeni Malkin, Pittsburgh. He scores lots of goals and gets lots of penalties. I get points for both of those things. Plus, I was confused about whether to take him, Stamkos, Ovechkin, or Henrik Sedin. So I took the guy who tweeted a picture of his cat.

Jonathan Toews, Chicago. Because he's Jonathan Toews.

Tomas Plekanec, Montreal. I don't think I get points for faceoffs, so that's a Plus for Pleks. I have a good feeling about him this season.

Dustin Brown, Los Angeles. He's good all-around, and he's a King. I went for Brown since Doughty and Kopitar were snatched out from under me.

Andrei Kostitsyn, Montreal. Yeah, I took a gamble on Andrei. Most people don't believe in him, but he can do great things during contract seasons. And if he doesn't do a lot of scoring, he'll probably get in trouble, and I'll get points for PIMs.

He was really excited when I picked him

Shane Doan, Phoenix. So, Jarome Iginla was taken. And then two picks before I was going to take Evander Kane (the baby Jarome Iginla), he got drafted. So I took Shane Doan, who, like Iginla, is a great player and a great captain. Also, whenever I'm in doubt, I just think of what players Czechtacular likes. (I'm still her protégée, no matter what she says.)

Joe Pavelski, San Jose. He's good during the regular season, right?

Brian Gionta, Montreal. My captain. Why not?

Devin Setoguchi, Minnesota. Remember how on Friends, Chandler always went back to Janice? I think Setoguchi is my Janice. So many things have happened that should have made me stop liking him: The Sharks have lost in the playoffs when they were supposed to win the Cup. I've seen him wear Ed Hardy. He got married and didn't tell me. He joined Twitter, was boring, then quit because it was "too distracting," only to come back after he'd been traded to Minnesota. Through it all, I still like him. This isn't healthy. Don't let me down again, Devin.

DEFENSE

Brent Burns, on the fantasy hockey campaign trail

Brent Burns, San Jose. The trade to San Jose is supposed to be really good for him, right?

Nicklas Lidstrom, Detroit. He's Nick freaking Lidstrom. He's good at everything.

Jack Johnson, Los Angeles. Okay, so I got another King. He's a badass.

Cam Fowler, Anaheim. I took him because everyone says to take Cam Fowler in fantasy hockey.

UTILITY GUYS
Theo Peckham, Edmonton. He gets penalty minutes. And that mustache.

Brooks Laich, Washington. He didn't become a Hab this summer, so this is the closest I'll get to having him on my team. Should I re-name my team As You Laich It?

BENCH (OR WHATEVER "BN" STANDS FOR)
Mason Raymond, Vancouver. (aka, The Opposite of Name-Dropping) Okay, so he's broken. But when he's fixed, even if he doesn't come back 100%, he'll still be damn fast.

James Wisniewski, Columbus. He's good at hockey. I remember that much from last year. (The rest is all a blur, stained by tears over player injuries and Saku Koivu's return to the Bell Centre.)

Michael Ryder, Dallas. At first this was Teddy Purcell in Tampa Bay, but Ryder apparently had an incredible preseason and will be getting lots of ice time. Or so I'm told by someone who actually pays attention to the Dallas Stars.

GOALIES

Jonathan Quick, Los Angeles. By the time I got to this pick (second round, 16th overall, I think?) all of last year's top 5 goalies had been taken. Except maybe Tim Thomas, but I guess I forgot about him and I'm better off with no Bruins as long as fantasy hockey isn't cursed like football is, in which case I'd have drafted Brad Marchand twice just to ensure some kind of dumbass injury. But I digress. Quick would have been my backup goalie, so I took him first, thinking of that insane shutout he posted against the Red Wings last year.

Corey Crawford, Chicago. Considering how he played last season, I'm lucky to have him on my team. I feel like we should be referring to Crawford as "the next ________" but I don't know who to compare him to.

Ondrej Pavelec, Winnipeg. The ~~Thrash~~Jets are going to be better than they were last year, simply because they'll have fan support, and Pavelec was already really good. Also, he's Czech.

So, there you have it. A team with a punny name, filled with players who are good at hockey (right?) and who I like (except for Cam Fowler, because who's dis guy?).

Now comes the next step: figuring out how this fantasy sports thing works.

Two years old!

2011-10-04T22:49:00.000-04:00

I'm posting this a little late (as usual) but a couple of weeks ago, Hab It Her Way celebrated its second anniversary. Somehow, this little blog is two years old. How time has flown by.

To be honest, I'm a little freaked out that this little side project is half as old as the just-retired Four Habs Fans. (Good night, sweet princes. And LG77, whose arrival made Four Habs Fans even better than it was. I think I'll miss you most of all.)

Two years later and Czechtacular and I still have a soft spot for captain Saku Koivu. We're still flailing over Czechs and exclaiming at every brilliant save by a certain cowboy goalie.

But some things have changed. People have started reading the blog and asking our opinions on things. (Or, at least, pretending to.) I seem to know stuff about stuff. We've found ourselves a whole network of brilliant hockey girls who think like us and laugh with us. All the film nerds I know call me a big sports girl. (Because I'm big on sports, apparently.) They're all welcome changes - that is, until those same film nerds say "She loves hockey" in the same tone that I would say "She loves tofu," but always ask me if ever I have a spare ticket to a Habs game can they come?

Five years ago I would have never imagined being the blogger I am today: addicted to Twitter, watching loads of hockey, writing about it, owning two Habs jerseys, dating the epitome of a sports guy... But I enjoy all of this so much more, precisely because it was so unexpected. I'm happy that two of those years have been spent writing.

Thanks for reading! I hope the Canadiens have a great season so I'll have lots to write about.

Plus/Minus: And there goes the preseason

2011-10-02T22:55:00.000-04:00

The Habs' preseason ended on a high note, and now they can happily go off to their out-of-town team bonding sleepaway camp thing. Or, as I call it, "last chance to wear sweatpants in public."

BETTER THAN KNOWING THAT REAL HOCKEY IS AROUND THE CORNER

Welcome back, boys

+ What a great way for the Habs to end their preseason: with a solid win. Scott Gomez is playing like the player he needs to be. Seeing Josh Gorges and Max Pacioretty back on the ice, right before, nearly brought me to tears. Seeing Josh Gorges wear an A on his jersey nearly made me do a spit take, in the best of ways.

+ Last week, I forgot to comment on RDS' addition of Marc Denis between the benches. He replaces Joel Bouchard, who kind of had tunnel vision and needed to conduct most of his interviews in a language that he didn't speak as well as he thought he did. Marc Denis seems at ease in his new role, less nervous on camera than he usually is on RDS, and has very good English interview skills.
+ Josh Gorges is a superhero. I'm sure of it.

+ I love you, Brian Gionta.

+ Robyn, aka LadyHabs, is even more jazzed about this than I am, but it has to be said: There seems to be a really good sense of team spirit right now. Players are sticking up for each other in the face of evils such as Ryan Malone.

TV + Casey Wilson is absolute perfection on Happy Endings.
+ New Girl picked up the first full-season renewal this fall, and it's a match made in heaven: 24 episodes of a show that's fun to watch and needs a little more time to reach its full potential. It might be too early in the season to say so, but so far I think Fox's Tuesday night lineup is my favourite night of TV. Why does hockey have to be on at the same time?

WORSE THAN KNOWING THE "IT'S ONLY PRESEASON" ARGUMENT WON'T WORK ON ANGRY PEOPLE ANYMORE

- That picture up there? That's a page from the special Canadiens section of an issue of the Metro newspaper this week in Montreal. (It's a free newspaper, handed out at metro stations all over the city.) It's basically a guide on where to go to see Habs players off the ice, compiled by a blogger who would know all about that since he's got papparazzi and restaurant connections all over the city. It's disrespectful. Yes, I know, I make the "last chance to wear sweatpants in public" joke every year, but that's based on my belief that you never know when you'll be at a restaurant or a pharmacy or wherever and run into a Habs player out of sheer luck. For someone who already does enough snooping and creeping online to use a mainstream media outlet (and a free one, at that) to further try and invade whatever privacy our boys have left is beyond presumptuous.

- Oh, Wayne Simmonds. You can't be the victim of intolerance one week and go throwing slurs at people the next. As I said in Thursday's post, we all need to change the way we interact.

TV - So... The X Factor really is on, like, every day but Tuesday, isn't it? (love you, Fox Tuesday!)

- Can we talk about how New Lily on Modern Family can suddenly speak in full sentences? Did the show skip ahead further in time than I thought, or has Cameron been, like, giving her those Rise of the Planet of the Apes injections or something? I know that the ability to give Lily dialogue mines her comic potential a little deeper than previously possible, but it just doesn't make sense that she's suddenly verbose.

- Why is Pan Am about, like, ten different things, and why does it make me not want to live in the sixties anymore?

Lately I've been having trouble sleeping through the night if I'm too excited for something. It's Sunday and hockey starts on Thursday. This is going to be a long week.

Flawed logic

2011-09-29T22:11:00.000-04:00

Okay, so 2011 Florida Panthers draft pick Rocco Grimaldi has been getting attention because he's Christian. He said some things on Twitter that were maybe a little too extreme. Personally I like hearing people express themselves but will roll my eyes any time someone goes on an overly long Twitter rant, simply because the medium was built for 140-character bursts.

Sure, Grimaldi's views on what he sees as the oversexualization of society are a little too "out there" to go ignored on such a public forum. I don't expect everyone to agree with his views completely (and I'm not saying that I do), but I completely respect his will to express them. As a practicing Catholic, I know that sometimes it's hard to live your faith life at the same time as your regular life. (Or, as one of my friends said so misguidedly, I'm "Catholic but still cool," which is basically like telling an overweight girl that she's pretty even though she's fat.) Maybe Grimaldi needs to learn to express himself in a different way, so that the majority of his audience won't feel like he's being too critical of them. After all, he wants to evangelize and inspire, and he can do that just as well by being positive and promoting God's love rather than making others feel like they're doing something wrong.

That's basically what this is about, isn't it? Grimaldi talked about what he thinks others are doing wrong (or so it appears), and a lot of people didn't like it. Which is perfectly okay, but many responses to this basically implied that he's the one who's wrong. The only one who's wrong. That's not going to solve anything.

Recent events involving Wayne Simmonds have taught us that the NHL and its fans haven't completely grasped the concept of tolerance. We've been saying for ages that there's no such thing as being "too small" or "too black" or "too gay" for hockey, and I can't wait until the day that all of those statements are true. How about we add "too religious" to that list? It shouldn't be considered taboo either.

There are strides to be made before we see the NHL we want to see. It'll take time, and a lot of baby steps, but by starting to engage in the right kind of discourse, we'll get there.

Plus/Minus: Ready to start

2011-09-25T22:44:00.000-04:00

Pre-season and TV premiere week seems like the perfect time to start up Plus/Minus again... as evidenced by the fact that I wrote too much.

PLUS

+ Jane Lynch was a fantastic Emmys host: dry, funny, talented, comfortable with improv, and never took herself too seriously. And you just know that Christopher Guest is sitting somewhere all like, “Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.”

+ How I Met Your Mother picked up where it left off – and I mean that in good way.

+ Boardwalk Empire is every bit as vast and as watchable as it's ever been. I'd be disappointed that Steve Buscemi didn't win the Emmy, but I can't bring myself to say it because I love Coach Taylor too damn much and I told everyone to watch Friday Night Lights back in its first season (albeit after Kathie from Give Me My Remote did.)

+ I'm still watching pilots since there was so much on TV this week, but I can already see myself watching 2 Broke Girls and New Girl every week. The pilots weren't perfect (I can't think of a better word than "pilot-y", sorry) but both shows have appealing characters with lots of story potential. Can we talk about how Kat Dennings completely owned the opening scene of 2 Broke Girls?

+ The season hasn’t even started yet, and Alexei Yemelin is already turning heads.

+ Good first show of the season from Brendan Gallagher and Nathan Beaulieu. Looks like the Habs have depth after all! Sorry, haters.

+ Love, love, LOVE that Brendan Shanahan took the initiative to break down video of an illegal headshot and explain why the league suspended offender Brad Boyes for it. The NHL needed more transparency when it comes to discipline. I'm not a fan of the video's faux-slick production value, but that's not important.

MINUS

- I love every single member of the EmmyTones - OK, except maybe Wilmer Valderrama, because I more or less forgot that he even existed. But what could have been a cheesy, fun, tongue-in-cheek faux-gimmick fell flat and was just a cheesy, real gimmick. Something about the costumes, or the background they stood in front of, just didn't work. Not to mention that there was a glint of embarrassment in poor Cobie Smulders' eyes - she knew that something about this bit wasn't working, but could only stand back, sing her songs, and watch as former badass LL Cool J made a mockery of himself.

- If I could take the hilarious Maya Rudolph character from Up All Night, and give Will Arnett some funny like he’s had in basically everything else he’s been in, and inject some of the quirk from Christina Applegate’s last series, Samantha Who?, I’d be able to make a watchable TV show. But right now all Up All Night has going for it is Maya Rudolph.

- Can people just stop watching Two and a Half Men already?

- Jeff Woywitka may have scored a goal in his first outing as a member of the Canadiens organization, but other than that, his start was underwhelming. He was a mess, lacked focus, and seemed to be near the puck every time the Stars scored. Here's hoping Clement Jodoin can do something about that.

- Well, that was the absolute stupidest way for Wayne Simmonds to start his season. I wish there was a way to revoke somebody's fan card after they do something unforgivable. (I also wish that there was a similar system in place for movie theatres. I know these wishes will probably never come true.)

- Keep in mind that I'm Plus-ing and Minus-ing with the understanding that this is pre-season and that Carey Price already told us to chill out and relax. So anyone who takes this all too seriously gets a Minus. Pre-season exists to make the regular season better.

So, now that both seasons have started up again, I may have to take up drinking coffee. Any chance Starbucks wants to give me an endorsement deal so I can drink their delicious soy pumpkin lattes for free?

Let's Get Started

2011-09-10T22:17:00.000-04:00

Tickets for Canadiens home games went on sale today, thus continuing Montreal's tradition of keeping fans indoors on what might be the last warm Saturday of the year.

I don't know why I do it: sitting in a "virtual waiting room" and paying ridiculous service charges and ever-increasing ticket prices, then waiting months until I actually go to the game I spent money on. And, of course, I don't care because just getting out of the virtual waiting room feels like winning the lottery. But it's been months since I've seen any hockey, live or on TV, so I don't care.

As a hockey fan, I'm excited to get over The Year That Hurt and end this emotionally painful offseason. I'm so excited to see my Habs that I won't even complain about how this season's promotional campaign is kind of creepy and has already been done by the NBA.

I love all my Habs, but I wouldn't want to chop them in half and sew them together. Not even to make Super-Habs.
Although... I could sell a script to the producers of Saw...

I can't be the only one who remembers these ads:

Outside of hockey, I've had a great summer and don't want the weather to start cooling down. I want hockey as a reward for braving the winds and the snow. Knowing that I won't have to watch people shuffle around in flip-flops like morons isn't satisfaction enough. (Seriously, though, what is about flip-flops that makes people forget how to walk like functional human beings?)

But this is it. It's time to stop thinking about playoff heartbreak and start wondering what new things I'll learn this season and what awesome sports things I'll get to see for the first time. It's time to put away the bad-luck Gorges T-shirt until next summer. It's time to think about face paint and pub fries. It's time to be irrational and clog up the DVR for the next seven months.

This is going to be awesome.

NHL TV Characters for the 2011-12 Season

2011-09-06T21:48:00.000-04:00

(Bleacher Report kinda-sorta-maybe beat me to this already. And obviously their version will get more hits than mine due to the fact that most of their other stories are about hot ladies or something. Maybe I should try posting sexy man pictures in an attempt to be all cheeky and turn the tables on them.)

The hockey season is starting. The TV season is starting.
It's a great time to compare a few hockey players to TV characters. I wish I would have done this every year, because "Jonathan Toews is totally Doogie Howser!" doesn't seem as fresh as it would have a couple of seasons ago.

Mike Richards is Will from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

If I were really and truly dedicated to my craft, I would have re-written all the words to the full version of this song, flown to Philly and LA, and filmed a video. But I decided to spend my summer making money instead of blowing it on a music video about Mike Richards because I probably still hate Mike Richards.
But if you think about it, the premise is the same. Guy gets booted out of Philly because "a couple of guys were up to no good" and gets a second chance in California, which could not be a more different environment for him. The only difference here: those couple of guys, up to no good? Yeah, Richards was one of them.
To be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing the tables turned with a sitcom based on Wayne Simmonds' trade from sunny Cali to angry Philly, with a supporting cast of teammates who aren't Drew Doughty. Be honest - you'd totally watch that show too.

Brad Richards is Liz Lemon from 30 Rock

He lives in Manhattan. He's arguably the linchpin of what would otherwise be a mediocre organization. (Keep in mind that TGS With Tracy Jordan's greatest accomplishment is an Emmy... Magazine cover story and that the Rangers have missed the playoffs in 4 out of the last 10 seasons.) He's surrounded by some pretty interesting characters. I'd say Sean Avery's craziness is equal parts Jack, Jenna, and Tracy. Erik Christensen is The Head and Brandon Prust is The Hair. I could go on. With one exception...

Sidney Crosby is Rachel Dratch's Characters From 30 Rock

We used to see him every week, but now, not so much.

Roberto Luongo is Jerry from Parks and Recreation

In the words of his co-worker Ron Swanson: "A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlamazel is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the schlemiel and the schlamazel of our office." Everyone makes jokes at Jerry's expense. Poor Bobby Lu just can't go a week without somebody ragging on him.

P.K. Subban and Hal Gill are basically any hourlong cable dramedy about buddies

They're hilarious on their own, yes, but somehow, for all their differences, they complete each other. Like Franklin and Bash. Or the Lawson brothers from Royal Pains. Or Gus and Shawn from Psych. They're both funny, they work well together, and they have the perfect love-hate relationship. They're the ultimate buddy pairing - why watch them on their own when you can watch them together?

NOT A PLAYER BUT:
Jacques Martin is Nucky Thompson from Boardwalk Empire

You look at him and think, "That guy in the weird-coloured suit is the most powerful man in town?" You have trouble believing it, but if you only knew...

Things I learned last season, Part Two

2011-09-03T17:54:00.000-04:00

You can read Part One here.

There are few things I love more about football than a last-minute pick six. Seeing one happen live, right in front of me, at the Outback Bowl? Even more incredible.

And yes, it makes total sense that my big brother, who I hadn't gone to a sporting event with since we were kids, would take me to my first-ever football game. (And it was so much fun that I could go to a football game in Florida every month and not get tired of it.)

I shouldn't try to mess with anyone else's team. My attempts to trash-talk the Steelers to my friend got the Jets eliminated from football playoffs. And it turns out my friend was right about the Dallas Mavericks beating the Oklahoma City Thunder. I'll probably try to keep my mouth shut from now on. (Exception: if someone's team has a giant douchebag on the roster, or if they're messing with my Habs for no reason.)

Basketball is just great. It's every bit as fast as hockey, but the players try just as hard to put on a show as they do to win games, and that's OK. Last October, I watched a few hours of NBA Network and wrote down all these names and notes in an attempt to do learn something. Now I know what those names mean. Some of them, at least.

If you have an opportunity to high-five a crowd of people, take it.

Shea Weber can grow a damn good beard.

Teemu Selanne is going to retire from the NHL when he's about 75 years old.

Never underestimate a prospect who you think will turn out to be a dud.

I am terrible at calling plays. Like, absolutely awful. It's probably because I wilt in high-pressure situations or whenever I'm not allowed to be pithy.

Seeing your team get knocked out of the playoffs sucks. Seeing your greatest rival win the Stanley Cup sucks even harder. But at the end of the day, there are worse things, and more important things. And even when you think you'll miss hockey the most, summer comes along and makes you forget all about it.

Sometimes people will tell you that they know more about sports than you. (If I were bolder, or thought that I was more knowledgeable, I'd take it as a challenge.) They just forget that there's no way to know everything.

---

I just want the hockey season and/or TV season to start already.

Thank you, Jack

2011-08-23T22:33:00.000-04:00

Let me tell you a story from my rookie season. My REAL rookie season; the one I've been coasting off for the last few years (and thank you for reading this blog, by the way.)

You may remember the spring of 2008. It was a great time to be a Habs fan. Our team was first in the conference and fans were high-fiving each other in the streets. It was the first time I watched my team go to the playoffs.

And yet I chose to watch Jack Layton speak at Concordia, rather than settling in at home in my Koivu T-shirt to watch the game from start to finish. (Czechtacular was supposed to come with me, but politely changed her mind as soon as the playoff schedule was announced. We split duties: I would listen to Layton while she watched the first half of the game and kept me updated.)

Why? Because Jack Layton was the leader of a major political party and he was coming to speak at my school for free. Because he wasn't afraid of what a tough Concordia crowd could be like. Because he wanted to speak to students and get them involved in what was happening in their own country, not just wait until they were the heads of those young families everyone wants votes from. Because he made politics cool. Because he had a great mustache.

And that evening, he was exactly what you would expect Jack Layton to be like. Fabulous mustache, tie, no jacket, sleeves rolled up, and about as dynamic and human as any politician could be. He talked to a few people in the crowd before being formally introduced and taking the stage. The formality ended there. He started by thanking us all for showing up instead of watching Game 1 and half-joked that he expected to be talking to an empty room. He then said, "If you're on your cellphone and find out the Habs scored, don't keep it to yourself." He actually gave his crowd permission to interrupt him.

Layton then continued to talk about growing up in Montreal, how his family had opened Layton Audio on Ste. Catherine so many decades ago, going to McGill (boo), and living most of his adult life in Toronto. He also talked politics, obviously, and I look forward to the day when someone tries as hard as he did to inspire people just by expressing himself honestly. His entire speech proved that he was one of a kind.

He ended his speech by inviting us all to a nearby pub to ask him questions face-to-face and engage in real discussion, rather than continuing to talk at us from a stage. That's the kind of thing I'd expect to hear from a real person, not a talking head who made regular appearances on election posters and in the news.

Habs fans, we lost one of our own. And he was a great one, and his work for this country wasn't finished. I can only hope that I'm wrong in thinking that he was one of a kind, because I'd be so happy to see another political figure try to move Canada like Layton did.

Rest in peace, Jack.

Things I learned last season

2011-08-22T21:48:00.000-04:00

The summer days are already getting shorter and a little bit cooler. But the season hasn't started yet and the end of summer has me itching for that first puck drop. What better way to look forward to next season, than to remember what I learned last season?

What a stanchion is.

P.K. Subban is the very definition of lightning in a bottle.

Rookies need to learn how to behave in the NHL... but respect is a two-way street. A veteran can't complain about not getting respect if he doesn't show any.

We may hate Leafs fans, and they might be incredibly tasteless when they hate on us, but they're not bad people. The way that Maple Leafs bloggers reached out to Habs fans as soon as Graham Rynbend rushed to the ice to care for Max Pacioretty showed an incredible amount of class and sympathy. Sometimes it's not about your team - it's just about being a hockey fan.

About that Graham Rynbend: He's the best.

I'm too proud to say "I told you so," and I know this because I didn't go gloating to all those people who gave up on Carey Price last season. So never underestimate someone's opinion, and never say never.

I also didn't start gloating to all the people who never expected to become Ryan White fans.

Like most people my age who basically grew up with Saku Koivu wearing the C, I still miss my old captain. But my new captain is nearly perfect.

There are very few places on Earth like the Bell Centre during the playoffs. Or the Bell Centre in general: It doesn't matter what kind of a day you've had, if you've got tickets to a Habs game, everything goes away from the moment the flag kids take to the ice to the moment you leave.

If you go out someplace to grab a beer and watch a home game with some friends, DO NOT LEAVE EARLY. Kirk Muller will show up almost an hour after you leave. Your friends will see him and maybe even speak to him, and you will have missed out on it. (This happened to me twice this season. TWICE. And now we have no more Kirk Muller, so I totally missed the Kirk-boat.)

I knew these already, but... Trust your coach. Trust your team.

A serious question

2011-08-16T21:40:00.004-04:00

I keep asking myself something, ever since the NHL lost both Derek Boogaard and Rick Rypien over the summer.

NHL teams have people to look after a player's every need: coaches, doctors, equipment managers, skate sharpeners, what-have-you. They take care of preparing the players physically. But what about their psychological problems?

Think about it. Boogaard had substance abuse issues and Rypien had mental health problems, both of which presumably lead to their untimely deaths.
Professional athletes are under a tremendous amount of stress; no amount of fan adoration or scoring bonuses can change that. Some deal with it better than others. They could probably all use a little help from time to time.

I've asked around (thank you, sources) and have learned that most of a hockey team's medical staff isn't permanent. Specialists are only brought in if they're needed. This includes psychologists. Most people are too proud or afraid to admit when they think they might need psychological help. No one wants to admit they're crazy, or that they aren't able to help themselves any more. Somehow I think that this is even truer for professional athletes.

I obviously don't know any specifics - I don't know what Boogaard or Rypien was going through, or what it's like for the hundreds of other guys in the NHL. It's not fair that they have a job where they're provided with the best doctors, coaches, and trainers, but not the best psychological help. And I can't imagine how difficult it must be to know that so many people love buying tickets to see you do what you do best, and that that makes them happy, but that you're struggling with something that you can't talk about.

These guys weren't even 30 yet. That should be enough proof that the NHL needs to pay better attention to the physical and mental health of its players. The league is nothing without its players, and they deserve to be taken care of.

What to say in the offseason?

2011-08-06T16:40:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posts recently. I still miss both hockey and television. Czechtacular and I have been insanely busy (but you can read some awesome stuff she wrote over at All Habs in the last few weeks.)

One of those things that kept me busy? I took part in last week's Sunday Shinny panel on The Franchise (only the best weekend morning sports show this side of anywhere.) I got to share some airtime with Laura from The Active Stick and the Franchise regulars, talking Islanders, Josh Gorges, and every other hockey topic we could think of in the middle of the offseason. If you're interested, you can hear it here.

Top 5: TV Characters I'd Take To A Hockey Game

2011-07-26T22:51:00.001-04:00

I don't know why it took me this long to think of compiling such a list. Heck, I don't know why this hasn't been a monthly feature for as long as HIHW has existed (and even before then.)

So here it is:

The Top 5 TV Characters I'd Want To Go To A Hockey Game With
(Opinions subject to change. This list only includes current, scripted television programs.)

Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation. I love Parks and Recreation so very, very much these days, but the truth is that the show doesn't have many characters I could take to a hockey game with me.

Can't bring Tom, because you can't really bring Tom anywhere. (Although I'm slightly interested in hearing his entrepreneurial ideas for the hockey world. I bet "alcoholic Gatorade" would be one of them.)
Can't bring Chris Traeger, because as much fun as it would be for us both to call the players by their full names, he'd be all weird about everything, and would disapprove of all the food options. "A hot dog could literally put me in the hospital."
Can't bring my girl April because she doesn't care about anything.
Can't bring Jean-Ralphio because he'd probably get lost somewhere.
Can't bring Jerry, because... well, why would I bring Jerry?

Ron Swanson would appreciate the discipline that players have and how much fans hate management. He may, however, disapprove of the flowing hair on players like Ryan Jones and Ryan White. (Need I remind you of the acceptable haircuts, according to the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.) Oh, and by the way, it's a crime that Nick Offerman didn't get an Emmy nomination for his fantastic work this season.

Kurt Hummel, Glee. He's not the biggest sports guy, but he's the biggest fashionista on television. He and I could rag on all the girls in sparkly pink jerseys and laugh at that one loser who's wearing a Leafs jersey for no good reason.

Robin Scherbatsky, How I Met Your Mother. As some of our longtime readers may remember, she's one of our kind. A bit of a badass, knows the game, loves the players, isn't afraid to get a little loud, and knows that real girls wear real jerseys - no pink, no sparkles, no wearing of leggings in lieu of real pants. She knows how we roll. It wouldn't be long before we'd start high-fiving strangers and making up new insults to yell at the Bruins.

Stefon, Saturday Night Live. Okay, this is mostly a joke, because Stefon explains the weirdest things as if they're completely banal. (Example: human suitcases.) Can you imagine his face when I have to start explaining hockey to him? "It's that thing, where really jacked Czechs..."

Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock. Not because of his appreciation for sports. (Somehow, I don't see a wealthy Republican ever showing enthusiasm for a group of men whose careers involve sweating.)
Because he's a higher-up at NBC (property of Kabletown!) so he can probably get me good seats for any hockey game I want, provided it's a game NBC is interested in. Can't you just hear Alec Baldwin's voice saying "I hope you like Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, Boston, and Chicago"?

I think it's time to watch some reruns or open up a DVD or two. I need TV.

Phew. Finally.

2011-07-22T22:28:00.000-04:00

Josh Gorges.

1 year, $2.5 million.

On a Friday night after 10:00 P.M. Whatever, it's about damn time.

Three weeks after free agent frenzy. Whatever, it's about damn time.

It's only a one-year contract. Whatever, it's about damn time.

I can finally breathe a sigh of relief and put on the unlucky Gorges T-shirt again. (By the way, Four Habs Fans has a better writeup about this than I could ever think up.)

Mark Cuban or Michael Scott?

2011-07-17T21:53:00.000-04:00

I realized something when the Emmy nominations came out this week.

Steve Carell's last episode of The Office probably gave him a really good shot at winning the Emmy.

No, wait, that's not it. It's that if Michael Scott were a real person, he'd probably be an awful lot like Dallas Mavericks owner/ crazy-rich dude Mark Cuban.

Just look at these pictures of Mark Cuban, and tell me you can't imagine Michael Scott doing any of these things:

Don't tell me you don't see it too!

An NHL Sorting Hat

2011-07-14T23:31:00.000-04:00

I've been in major Harry Potter mode since visiting The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in January. That overlapped with the hockey season. Now, the last movie is coming out, I'm re-reading Deathly Hallows, and I'm in minor hockey withdrawal.

Instead of suspensions, maybe the NHL should just remove points from each team.

So, of course, I joined nerd-forces with my friend Laura from The Active Stick and wodered which Hogwarts houses some NHL players would be Sorted into. (No rhyming Sorting Hat song, though, sorry.)

MAX PACIORETTY: You've been through many injuries and many trials this year... Lots of grace under fire, and more than enough bravery. GRYFFINDOR!

ZDENO CHARA: Quite a bit of skill, I see... And you just won the Stanley Cup, so we know you're capable of great things. I see a lot of selfish anger inside you. (Plus I know what you did to Max Pacioretty.) SLYTHERIN! And take your team with you!

SAKU KOIVU: Boundless patience, good character, and a nice amount of talent... You've survived so much adversity, so clearly there's a lot of courage there. The choice is obvious... GRYFFINDOR!

Habs red + Ducks yellow/gold/beige/browncolour = Gryffindor?
WE MISS YOU, SAKU!

MARTIN ST. LOUIS: You've won many trophies, and you've helped a young teammate achieve great success. You appear to be humble enough, and you love your team... HUFFLEPUFF!

RICK NASH: Neville Longbottom, is that you? Trying to get Sorted again, I see. There's no need to doubt the Sorting Hat. GRYFFINDOR!

JAMES WISNIEWSKI: Smart, very smart... You're able to adapt to new surroundings very easily, I see. You look out for your teammates but you never forget to do what's best for yourself. Hmm... RAVENCLAW!

BROOKS LAICH: A good heart. Lots of talent as well. I seem to recall a story where you helped your fans, rather than thinking about yourself... You're very brave. And smart. Very smart, in fact. No, not Slytherin. Never Slytherin. There's too much goodness and loyalty in you. HUFFLEPUFF!

SHANE DOAN: HUFFLEPUFF! (I imagine this would happen just as quickly as when Draco Malfoy was Sorted into Slytherin.)

DANY HEATLEY: It appears that you cannot stay loyal to any one team. SLYTHERIN!

JONATHAN TOEWS: Very talented, I see. You're a great leader... Excellent reasoning, a sharp mind, and wit to match... RAVENCLAW!

ALEXANDER OVECHKIN: So much talent... and so much pride as well. You're smart on the ice, I see. But where to put you? You love your teammates, but not quite as much as you love yourself. SLYTHERIN!

BRAD RICHARDS: I'm just going through the motions. You've already decided what house you're in, so I don't need to say anything, do I?

Thoughts on whether there are any Bruins who don't belong in Slytherin, whether or not P.K. Subban is Gilderoy Lockhart with actual talent, and the awesomeness of a real-life National Quidditch League are welcome in the comments section.

My reactions to free agent signings, expressed using stills from Arrested Development

2011-07-12T00:02:00.000-04:00

This is how I felt about Jonathan Ericsson re-signing with the Wings,

after so many people told me he'd make a great Hab:

This is how I felt about Benoit Pouliot signing with the Boston Bruins:

This is how I felt about Brock Trotter returning to

the Canadiens organization after a year in the KHL:

This is how I felt upon learning that Erik Cole became a Canadien:

This is how I felt about Peter Budaj becoming

the Habs' new backup goalie:

This is how I felt about the Kings trading Simmonds and Schenn

to the Flyers for Mike Richards:

This is how I felt when Andrei Markov signed a new contract:

This is how I felt about J.T. Wyman signing with the Lightning:

And I think this expresses Matt D'Agostini staying in St. Louis:

The World Has Turned And Left Me Here

2011-07-04T21:08:00.000-04:00

I lost my favourite prospect on Canada Day.

No thanks to Steve Yzerman for taking away our James T. Wyman. With Wyman becoming Tampa Bay property and Ryan White likely to spend lots of time in Montreal next season, I've got to pick a new favourite Bulldog. (The frontrunner, by default, is Czechtacular's Gabriel Dumont.)

What to do with this sign now?

I've also got to get used to the fact that the player I loved seeing at the Bell Centre twice a year won't be at Bulldogs games anymore, but with any luck will play for the Bolts in Quebec City on October 1st. And, knowing how his former coach Guy Boucher has been running things in Tampa, I wouldn't be surprised to see J.T. Wyman get some NHL ice time. And yes, to be honest, I know that he's more likely to be an NHL player in Tampa than in Montreal. He was called up once by the Canadiens, and by pure luck I had game tickets and got to see him in a Habs uniform. Now I might get to see him in a Lightning uniform. Who knows, maybe there'll be a Bolts fan who becomes as bizarrely attached to him as I am.

Having played defense growing up, he's a great defensive forward. He's tough, but not violent, and he can find his way to the net. And he went to Dartmouth. I'm going to miss him.

Take care of him, Tampa Bay.

July 1st Wish List

2011-06-30T23:33:00.000-04:00

I'm a simple girl. I don't ask for much.
Okay, that's a lie. If I could, I'd buy myself boats and unicorns and expensive handbags. But when it comes to tomorrow's free agent market, I don't think I'm asking for too much.

I want James T. Wyman to stay in the Habs' organization.

I want Pierre Gauthier and Josh Gorges to make this official, already.

I want Brad Richards to decide where he'll play next season quickly. Remember how Ilya Kovalchuk ate up the better part of last year? I do not want that.

The LA Kings have already made me reach for the wine and turn up The Trade Playlist. Please, general managers, no more heartbreak.

I do not want Jaromir Jagr to come to Montreal.

I want to see all of my former young Habs find good homes. Ryan O'Byrne just agreed to two more seasons in Colorado. Matt D'Agostini should be sticking around in St. Louis. I hope there's a team with space for Kyle Chipchura, Greg Stewart, or Shawn Belle.

I want good homes for all this season's Habs who'll be moving on. Yes, even Tom Pyatt.

Oh, and I don't want to hear the kind of rumours that are so crazy they could be true. I'm still recovering from that rumoured Jarred Tinordi for Dustin Penner trade, okay?

Happy Canada Day. May you all have many Timbits.

I'm Happy I'm Not A GM

2011-06-27T22:57:00.000-04:00

I've done an awful lot of ragging on general managers lately, from impatiently waiting for a new contract for Josh Gorges, to my tirades about Paul Holmgren's insanity.

But I just realized something: I can't criticize their work, because I know I'd never be able to do it. I've never been able to call a coach an idiot because I know they know more about coaching hockey than I ever could. (Case in point: Jacques Martin, as much as we love/hate him, won a Memorial Cup before I was even born.) But somehow, being the eternal rookie that I am, I never realized that I should apply the same logic to GMs.

I may hate the way they seem to treat players as commodities, but maybe they do too. All they do is make decisions - it's the backbone of their profession. They have control over who stays and who goes, who needs to look for a new job and a new home and who gets to stick around, surrounded by an ever-changing cast of teammates. They decide how much money someone deserves to make, and they have to own up to their decisions. Every move they make will be criticized by fans and analysts alike. One too many poor decisions or unfortunate twists of fate and they're fired.

It's too much planning, too much decision-making, too much stress. I'm so glad I'm not in a general manager's shoes this week. It must be awful.

Thank you, Kirk

2011-06-26T21:45:00.002-04:00

So, we're losing our Kirk Muller to the AHL.
Not gonna lie, we all knew this day would come but that doesn't make saying goodbye any easier.

Looking at Kirk, a Stanley Cup winner turned assistant coach, reminded us of the Canadiens' pedigree as the greatest team in anything, ever. (As if we needed reminding. But humour us here.) I also loved how Welcome Back, Kotter this was: Kirk was assistant to two other important, Cup-winning Habs players. It was a testament to just how great he is.

I've loved watching Muller work with players at practices and development camps. I don't know if all assistant coaches do this, but he led the players without any pretense of power. He treated them as equals, explaining every drill and staying on the ice to help them out. He'll make a great head coach. Too bad he's too nice to hate irrationally as soon as something goes wrong with the team - maybe he'll never come back to Montreal as a head coach for exactly that reason.

I miss him already.

Plus/Minus wraps up for the season

2011-06-25T09:07:00.001-04:00

This was supposed to be my Stanley Cup Final Plus/Minus. But then everything happened.

PLUS

+ All the great citizens of Vancouver who got together and cleaned up their city after the riots.
+ Ryan Kesler for trying to play his ass off in the Stanley Cup Final, even though he was obviously injured.
+ Dear Jon Hamm: Thank you for showing up at the NHL Awards, and then calling Tim Thomas' mustache a "modifed Ron Swanson."
+ Andrei Kostitsyn, Mathieu Darche, Max Pacioretty, David Desharnais, and Andrei Markov (!) are all re-upped for next year. AK and Darche for one year, Pac and Desharnais for two, and Marky for three - does this mean Josh Gorges will sign for at least 4 years? Someone please say yes.

MINUS

- All the idiots in Vancouver who thought it was a good idea to destroy the city. I know not everyone who was there is at fault, but take it from a Montrealer: Riots are never a good idea.
- I've seen worse hits than the one on Nathan Horton, but what was Aaron Rome even thinking? Hitting someone like that in the Stanley Cup Final is never a good idea.
- You all know how I feel about all these Philadelphia trades. Drafting Sean Couturier didn't help.
- Devin Setoguchi JUST signed a new contract with the Sharks. And got traded just over 24 hours later. Why? And can they un-trade him?
- Dear Mark Messier: ZDENO CHARA IS YOUR CAPTAIN OF THE YEAR? Really? REALLY?
- (Last minute addition) Oh, and my last warning to people STILL saying "Sedin sisters" wasn't enough? Seriously. You're just being an idiot. Stop. Or please watch some other sport.

Wow, this entire Plus/Minus could have turned into a Weekend Update-style "Really?!?" I'm not sure how I restrained myself.
Looks like this offseason won't be as boring as most people expected it to be.

It's always spiteful in Philadelphia

2011-06-23T22:16:00.001-04:00

I forgot that those "What DIDN'T happen today?" days could happen in June.

So the Flyers take away Columbus' Jakub Voracek and give them Jeff Carter, who I don't like precisely because he's a Philadelphia Flyer. But he didn't make Team Canada without being good at hockey, so this might actually be good for the Jackets. Do I stick to my stubborn guns or swallow my pride? Is this how Columbus reacts to being pushed aside last season in favour of the more exciting LA Kings? It was like your favourite indie band selling out and putting a song on some superhero movie soundtrack, but the song isn't terrible, and you don't know what to think of them anymore.

Oh, but then Philadelphia wasn't finished messing with what could have been a fabulously productive day. No, why would they be? I'm going to look up the name of the Flyers' GM (I don't know it because I really couldn't care less about the guy) then find him on Facebook or something and give him a piece of my mind.

(Paul Holmgren, eh? Well, get ready for a strongly worded email, Paul.)

It's no secret that I'm not a fan of Mike Richards. He's my age but he looks and acts like he's someone's dad, and that is not to be taken as a compliment. (Not in this instance. But I know lots of great dads, including my own, who are much better people than Mike Richards.) I'm also confused whenever teams trade away their captains, unless they really don't want the guy as captain anymore for some terrible reason. (Maybe I'm just too loyal to captains.) But, whatever, even though the Flyers built Mike Richards and thus deserve him, they decided to put him up for trade.

And, of course, to spite me, they go after the Los Angeles Kings, who I'm having a not-so-secret flirtation with. So, yeah, in some cruel twist of fate, we'll all get to see Mike Richards in a Kings jersey next year, and not in a "dump a bucket of pig's blood on him at the prom" kind of way. Remember when Richards went off about P.K. Subban and rookies and respect and stuff? The Kings are in the middle of a renaissance, aided in part by all these draft picks and prospects. He's either going to teach them something or turn into a whiny old man really fast.

At least Brayden Schenn will be spared of potential rookie-bashing? Nope, there's no bright side to this.

To make matters worse, Wayne Simmonds is a Philadelphia Flyer. I love Simmonds. I don't love the Flyers. This does not compute. There have been rumours of Simmonds trades for a while now, and I was really hoping he'd stay put. Or maybe be traded to the Habs, because who doesn't want a fast, aggressive, threatening goal-scorer? Instead, he was taken away from a team that I love and sent to the Flyers. And I already know that he'll make a great Flyer, and I'll have to watch him be a great Flyer four times this year against my Habs.

It hurts.

So in one day, Philly poached two players Czechtacular loves and two players I love from the Western Conference. Nope. The Flyers aren't doing anything to make me like them.

Unless this whole Wayne Simmonds thing pans out.

What I did immediately after the Bruins won yesterday

2011-06-16T21:32:00.000-04:00

So, yeah, the Bruins won Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, and it was obvious for most of the game that they were going to win it. But I was still upset when it happened.
This is how I reacted: (Nothing is time-stamped, as I was too angry to notice what time it was.)

Realized that this is the end of the hockey season. And THAT was how it ended.

Tried not to look at the TV, but I couldn't help myself.

Contemplated telling the bartender to "just bring me the whole bottle."

Briefly looked at the TV, thinking that the sight gag of Chara standing (on skates) next to Bettman would make me laugh. I did not laugh.

Tried to avoid seeing Roberto Luongo, knowing that in that moment our faces looked exactly the same.

Made awful attempts to distract Czechtacular as the camera turned to Mark Recchi.

Had a "glove malfunction" when Andrew Ference touched the Cup.

Realized that this whole "Not looking at the TV" thing wasn't working. Just kept shouting.

Made plans to meet up with a friend (the lovely Laura from The Active Stick, which I know you read) for lunch to eat junk food and/or throw things.

Took out my camera and looked at pictures of things that should cheer me up: My cat. My favourite hockey players. My boyfriend. Paul Mara's Beard. My tiny cousin in his Habs pyjamas. My visit to the Hockey Hall of Fame, back when the Chicago Blackhawks were still the Stanley Cup champions.

Remembered how happy I was for the Blackhawks a year ago. How proud I was of Toews. How many wacky, emotional tweets I wrote that night. How little I cared about the Stanley Cup victory that was unfolding in my own country.

Luckily, even my angry tweets made people laugh:

I genuinely meant it.

Left the downtown pub I was at and passed Centennial Plaza, where a gaggle of Bruins fans were doing whatever it is that Bruins fans do.

Tried to fall asleep as soon as I got home. Couldn't.

Wiped away a few tears. Vowed to start removing my mascara before bed.

Checked my Twitter feed and saw that things had gone from bad to worse in Vancouver.

Thought about the riots and another bit of bad news I'd received that morning. Reminded myself that there are worse things in life than watching my rival hockey team win the Stanley Cup.

Woke up this morning with a headache.

How many days until training camp?

Top 5: Reasons Hockey Beats The Grand Prix

2011-06-09T08:25:00.000-04:00

Grand Prix weekend is a pretty big deal in Montreal, in case you didn't know. There are tourists and parties and sports cars and oysters all over the place. And what brings them to this city? A car race.

A car race.

Yes, really. A car race.

Guys driving cars around a track a bunch of times. In what is apparently a sport, and not just a poorly edited reality-competition show.

OH THE EXCITEMENT

Top 5 Reasons Why Hockey Beats
The Grand Prix

The human element. I know that racecar drivers sweat a lot on the track and that car races require a lot of mental acuity. You know what else is a mental game that makes you sweat a lot? Hockey. Everything that probably makes car races exciting is present in a good hockey game, plus so much more. Hockey requires both strategy and intense physical work. It's fast. It's unpredictable. And it's not about cars: it's about people in direct competition with each other, aided only by sticks and skates.

It sounds better.
What you hear during a hockey game: Skates slicing the surface of the ice. Players yelling at each other. Pucks hitting goalposts. Fans cheering like there's no tomorrow.
What you hear during an F1 race: EEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOORRRRRRHHHHHRRRRRRRRRR!

The rivalries are older and better. At least, I think they are. Look at how much animosity there is between Montreal and Boston, for instance. They're like the Montagues and Capulets. The reason why they started hating each other doesn't matter anymore because it happened so long ago. (I'm sure the Habs/Bruins origin story has been scrawled with a quill on a piece of parchment somewhere.) They'll probably never stop hating each other. I've never seen that in F1. No one ever advertises a race by spotlighting a long-standing rivalry between houses. It's always "This guy has won the most races so far! Will this be the week he's defeated by someone or other?" or "Look what city they're in this week! Okay, now look at the same racetrack for ten thousand laps!"

Whatever.

More accommodating schedules. A practice race on Saturday and a real race 24 hours later, and that's it. Really? If there are less than 3 games on in one night during the regular NHL season, it's a slow night. There's so much more to watch.

We don't waste champagne. Don't get me wrong, it looks like so much fun to shake a bottle of champagne and spray everyone in sight with it, but it happens at the end of every F1 race. It's probably old hat to guys like Lewis Hamilton and Sebastien Vettel. Only one out of 30 NHL teams gets a post-victory champagne party, and it happens once a season after months of work. They're athletes, not rappers. A celebration should mean something, and not just be another part of that week's festivities.

(Sidebar: No one ever gives racecar drivers any grief for partying. What's up with that?)

So, thank you, F1, for all the tourism revenue, the movie stars, the camera angles that make the beach on Ile Ste. Helene look really fancy, and the opportunity to hear Pierre Houde's voice during the summer. But I'll stick with my hockey.

Thank you, Game Points listeners.

2011-05-30T22:03:00.000-04:00

This has been one hell of a hockey season. Now that it's winding down, I won't have much to flail about on the Team 990 airwaves.

You won't be hearing me on Game Points, at least not for a little while. I'll be using my Tuesday nights to enjoy the summer weather, indulge the side of me that loves movies, and maybe learn about this baseball thing at my own pace. I know that our show has listeners who keep the radio on while they watch sports on mute, and I never knew how they could multitask like that. I'm looking forward to trying that out. We'll see if I succeed.

My first seven months of radio have been great. Without Game Points, I'd still be completely lost when it comes to legit sports talk. You know, the kind where the Habs' goalie is always called "Price" and never "Carey." I'm only now a little bit lost. It was obvious from the get-go that Matthew, Trex, and Moe would teach me more than I could teach them, so I tried to learn as much as I could.

And I can definitely say that I learned a lot. If it weren't for all the research and preparation I made myself do for Game Points, I wouldn't have the New York Jets. I don't think I would have watched as much NBA basketball as I did (which would have been a damn shame in The Year Of Blake Griffin). I can almost pronounce "Dan Hamhuis" properly now. And I'm slowly getting over my nerves and that crazy fear I have of the sound of my own voice. Plus, it was nice to have had three more people to ask about sports stuff, who weren't afraid to ask me about things either. It felt pretty good to school the guys on things they didn't yet know about.

Most importantly, I have a lot of people to thank for my beginnings on the radio. All the great people I met at the station, especially the guys I was on air with. The awesome guests who gave us their precious time and were more than happy to answer my questions. The friends who helped me prep for the show. And, of course, everyone who listened to and participated in the show regardless of how late we were on.

Thank you for your enthusiasm, your patience, and your support. Let's talk soon!

Plus/Minus: It's almost over, already?

2011-05-29T21:10:00.000-04:00

I think I might hate the playoffs.

At first I was in denial about all this, just happy to watch such great hockey and take my bad-luck Josh Gorges T-shirt out of mothballs. But now there's only two teams and one playoff series left, and that's it. No more hockey. I don't like this one bit. But I digress...

PLUS

+ I saw a profile of Roberto Luongo on RAI last week. (RAI, by the way, is probably the biggest TV channel in Italy.) I know, it's basically just Italians patting themselves on the back for the success of their emigrants, but the interviews were pretty good. It felt like more than just a fluff piece, and it was cool to see something hockey-related on Italian TV. Trust me, that doesn't happen every day.
+ Guy Boucher. I don't know how often we can give this man a Plus, but we look forward to finding out next season. He knows exactly how to run his team, and he isn't scared of anything.
+ Patrick Marleau has been on fire this round. I guess Jeremy Roenick should criticize players more often, if it means they start producing like Marleau did this round.
+ The Under Armour commercial featuring, of all people, Tyler Seguin. He's one of the few Bruins that I don't completely hate and wish dull skates upon, but I never would have pegged him for a total badass.

+ Speaking of badass, Steven Stamkos didn't even seem to care that his face got cut open during Game 7.

+ Ryan Kesler was injured in Game 5, and still scored a last-minute (literally) game-tying goal, which led to a series-winning OT. Can they please start mass-producing this man?
+ Uh, Teddy Purcell? You're awesome.
+ Okay, okay, I begrudgingly congratulate Nathan Horton on his series-winning goal skills. But I still don't like his face.

MINUS

- I miss the Hamilton Bulldogs already. (But I'm proud that they forced a Game 7 after being down 3-0 in the series.)

- I think I might have seen a couple of people on Twitter making "Sedin sisters" jokes. Still? Really? Morons.
- Nathan Horton gets a Minus to go with his Plus: I probably wouldn't nitpick about this if he weren't a Bruin and there were more teams left in the race, but he should leave the fans alone. What's with the water-squirting and stuff?

One round left. I know not everyone is happy to see the Bruins and Canucks in the Finals, but let's enjoy the hockey while there are still games to watch.

If Hockey Were A Telenovela...

2011-05-23T22:49:00.000-04:00

So I've been watching more telenovelas than usual lately. (Don't ask why.) I don't know how Latin America does it, but they've somehow blended soap operas and sitcoms, and struck gold. You don't even need to fully understand Spanish to enjoy them! There are slaps to the face, ultra-dramatic closeups, appearances by people that I'm assuming are famous singers, and middle-aged women in completely age-inappropriate outfits. I'm enjoying telenovelas so much that some days, I have to stop myself from starting every question I write with an upside-down question mark. ¿Verdad? ¡Si!

I've even started thinking about what it would be like if hockey was a telenovela.

As with any narrative - and you should all know by now that I see sports as a narrative, rather than a bunch of stats or however it is most of you see it - there are archetypes. You'd be hard-pressed to write a telenovela (or even a gringo soap opera) without a few key characters.

THE VICTIM. There's always that character whose parents were poisoned the day before his wedding to a girl who only wanted his money, or that character who was raped by her boyfriend's brother and then shamed in court because no one believes her story except her boyfriend, whose wife is pregnant. The Victim's life is just one awful misfortune after another. There are a few guys like that in, including our own Max Pacioretty. This season was one thing after another for poor Pac, whether it was something he said, something he did, or something that injured him. You want soap opera drama? Just think of what people said for a week after Max lay on the ice, unconscious, after a stanchion pushed him into Zdeno Chara. However, unlike your average telenovela victim, Pac was never a one-man pity party. But we as fans gladly picked up that torch and made ourselves heard.

¡LA VICTIMA!

THE TEENAGER. Everyone on telenovelas has a huge personality and a crazy appearance to go with it. (Seriously, these people dress like prostitutes on early 90's sitcoms.) And, obviously, there are enough disagreements to go around. But it seems like the emotional teenagers have it worse than the grownups. There's usually a teenager on every telenovela who talks a little louder than everyone else, has a really wacky sense of style, and gets no respect from their elders. Does that sound like PK Subban to you? Young, energetic, snappy dresser, constantly being shut down by adults who think they know better but don't necessarily act like it?

¡EL JOVEN!

THE BITCH. You'll see this character in lots of gringo soap operas as well, because you can't have drama without a pre-menopausal, ultra-wealthy superbitch. She runs things. She's a master manipulator. She ruins lives for no reason at all. Heck, in a couple of telenovelas this character flat-out killed people for money or personal satisfaction. Everyone hates her and yet no one can take her down. If she were ~~a man~~ a very small man, she'd be Bettman.

¡LA BRUJA!

THE MONSTER. A telenovela isn't complete without a guy who's nothing but bad. He's committed about as many crimes as you can name, but he rarely sees the consequences of his actions. If you hate him (and you most likely do), you have absolutely no idea how anyone can like him. And that, at least to me, sounds an awful lot like Zdeno Chara. You'd be hard-pressed to find a Habs fan whose respect for Chara outweighs their disgust.

¡EL BRUTO!

It's a shame the hockey drama is winding down. I've learned all these fabulous Spanish insults, and I'm not sure if I have enough time to use them all before the Stanley Cup finds a new home.

Holiday links

2011-05-23T18:07:00.000-04:00

A new post is in the works, I promise! I've been slaving away for this whole Victoria Day, doing various hockey writing related activities. I didn't even have time to go out and buy the deceased Queen a birthday card or a P.K. Subban jersey or anything.

Queen Victoria, pictured here saluting her fans at the end of a successful hockey season

In the meantime, please enjoy the most recent work by all of our blogger friends. Links are on the sidebar, in case you haven't noticed it. (Which you should.)

Or, have a look at a Facebook profile that I'm 100% sure is not Mike Cammalleri. (Be sure to read his bio.)

An oddly timed second-round Plus Minus

2011-05-15T00:32:00.000-04:00

I'm apparently terrible at writing my post-playoff Plus/Minuses on time. What should I even write about? These teams aren't the Habs.

PLUS

+ Repeating myself already, and I haven't written anything yet. I already congratulated the Tampa Bay Lightning on sweeping the Capitals. I'm saying it again. As much as I like Washington, it was a relief to see them lose to a HIHW-approved team and coach.

+ What a great round for goalies, including but not limited to Niemi and Roloson, who did everything their teams needed them to do. (I remember wondering why Steve Yzerman decided to buy Roloson back in January. I don't wonder that anymore.)

+ Hell of a series between San Jose and Detroit. Just when it seemed like nothing could top the first round of the playoffs, the second-round matchups proved to be a perfect fit.

+ Devin Setoguchi was something else this round.

MINUS

- The Canadiens weren't in this round.

- It's really a shame that we've seen the last of Shea Weber's beard. I'm sure Paul Mara shed a tear for it when Nashville lost Game 6.

- Dear Philadelphia Flyers: Wow, you must really hate Montreal if you couldn't even win one game to avenge us.

- Dear Daniel Carcillo: I know that guys say really gross things when they're talking in private, but when you say something on a public forum, you have to watch yourself.

- Because I can't write this post without saying this: We're sending prayers and condolences to the family, friends, and fans of Derek Boogaard. What a shocking, unjust death. No one should die that young.

Hopefully the next Plus/Minus will end on a more positive note.

Best of luck to the four teams still in the race for the Stanley Cup.

Host with the... most?

2011-05-09T23:09:00.000-04:00

It was announced today that Jay Mohr was tapped to host the NHL Awards for the second year in a row. Not gonna lie, this news is a little surprising... And I'm saying this as a person who actually kind of likes Jay Mohr. (We're a rare breed.)

Now, I know that the NHL Awards will never be as flashy or as entertaining as all of the "real" awards shows I know and love, but why not at least try? Whoever's planning this usually gets it wrong at some point. They should either try to be boring but very classy (like a Kennedy Center Honors), or just go nuts and be entertaining at any cost (like an MTV Awards ceremony). Right now, the NHL Awards are kind of like what I imagine the People's Choice Awards would be like if I watched them: The nominees and speeches are just this side of lame, but not so boring that they cancel the show altogether. (It's just that viewers never get the OMGsuper-exciting!!! telecast they were promised.) I'll be honest: I'm going to make some suggestions about how to improve the show, but I'll watch it regardless, because there will be hockey players in suits.

Just for fun, let's have a look at who could have hosted this instead:

What, you had a year to plan this year's show and you couldn't book Denis Leary? The man lives and breathes sports, he's engaging, and he can be bitingly hilarious. He'd be perfect. (Also, I recently found out that he's related to Conan O'Brien. It's win-win-win!)

Dean Winters recently returned to 30 Rock. You're telling me we couldn't get him onstage in character as Dennis Duffy wearing a variety of hockey jerseys? He could try to sell a beeper to Gordie Howe!

Las Vegas is full of celebrity impersonators, or at least that's what it looks like on TV. I'm sure if we look hard enough and sift through a sea of fake Elvises, Lucille Balls, and Kardashian sisters, we'll eventually find someone who gets paid to look and sound just like Gary Bettman.

Or why not hire from within? A former NHL star like Marc Messier loves the sound of applause. A former NHL star like Jeremy Roenick loves the sound of his own voice. As long as you don't lose track of Paul Bissonnette the instant he steps off a plane in Vegas, he'd make a great host. It might not be a family-friendly telecast but what's funnier than a current NHL star who spends most of his time on the bench emceeing a show honouring hockey's best and most productive?

I've got a few ideas bouncing around about this awards show. Maybe the NHL forgot that they have a crazy TV fan to deal with.

A long overdue Plus/Minus

2011-05-08T22:25:00.000-04:00

You know your first-round Plus/Minus is really late when two of the second-round series are already over. Uh, blame it on the grief?
I'm guessing that a simple "I'm sorry" won't suffice, so I'll try to make up for it by posting really cool links when I find them. Like, say, pictures of goalies drinking water.

PLUS

It's mine, all mine!

+ Very few players were more exciting in Round 1 of the playoffs than PK Subban. And that's saying something.
+ Carey Price. What else is there to say?
+ Really nice to see so many hockey players joining Twitter in an attempt to connect with fans before and during the playoffs: Yannick Weber, Mathieu Darche, Brian Gionta, and Ryan O'Byrne (I still sort of miss him, okay?).
+ Ryan White is great in the playoffs, both as a Hab and a Bulldog.
+ Paul Mara's beard. And Shea Weber's beard.

We didn't make this, but we wish we did

+ Congratulations to Guy Boucher and his Tampa Bay Lightning for sweeping the Capitals. I loved watching that series. I think it was also the first time in all these (few) seasons of watching hockey that I wasn't a little disappointed to see Washington eliminated from the playoffs.
+ A Plus for Jonathan Toews, Alex Burrows and all the players who made Game 7 between the Blackhawks and Canucks so damn exciting.
+ I guess Carey Price gets an extra Plus for his cowboy hat and his Rolling Stones shirt.

MINUS

If people could be arrested for stupidity, I would.

- Uh, Glenn Healy? What was with that "A Danish is something you get at a coffee shop" comment? It was ignorant and unfunny, and I can't believe I saw you in person two days after you made it and didn't find the closest overpriced Bell Centre beer to pour over your head.
- Nathan Horton's face.
- I was proud of Milan Lucic for most of the first round, I really was, until like a typical Bruin he ruined things. I was all ready to congratulate him on not killing any Habs defencemen, and then he went and hurt Spacek.
- It's 2011 and yet there are boorish Bruins fans out there who had the most disgusting things to say against both PK Subban and the city of Montreal. I'm not going to repeat them, or even link to them, because I can't bear to read them again.
- On a more serious note, as much as I dislike the Bruins, I can't help but wish Patrice Bergeron a full recovery from this concussion.

Best tweets of the first round

2011-04-30T00:03:00.000-04:00

(Plus/Minus for the first round is forthcoming.)
Since it's my role on the radio to talk about the Internet, I tried to keep track of as many crazy reactions to the playoffs as I could. So here are a few of my favourites, because I want to celebrate just how much fun hockey fans had during the first round:

bailsebeth Bailey

The next person to tell me the odds are against the #Habs, I will promptly break out into Phil Collins' 1984 smash hit, 'Against All Odds'.

packerswinSBXLV Brad

@BrentSopel Did Mara give everyone pointers on how to grow facial hair? #thebeard

A bit of Phoenix love, because we might as well:

BizNasty2point0 Paul Bissonnette

Actually 1 last tweet. Thanks to all the yotes fans out there cheering us on. Going to be a tough series. love the support tweets.#DoWork

PensNation_Meg Meghan Herlihy

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, with visions of Stanley Cups dancing in their heads.

SamJags Sammy Mayers

If there is anything better than overtime playoff hockey, please tell me.

(Yeah. It's when your team wins the overtime.)

habsromance stephanie

remember when pricey won his first series as a rookie? :')

theactivestick Laura

Lump in throat.Heart pounding. Butterflies in stomach. Must be gameday. GO HABS GO

Cas514 Cas

Getting to work early so I can leave at a regular time because it's game day. #thedrivefor25isalive

EP31 Eternal Pessimist

I haven't understood the word 'calm' since April 2008......

(Neither have I!)

HockeyLoveHurts Darby

I think 'Haters Gonna Hate' is my Playoff phrase for 2011.

imisssaku Denis

Kaberle looks lost in the playoffs, wonder why?

boring_as_heck fake ass canada pig

reason why hockey is cool # 42655 - jaroslav spacek's face

maxtheguru Max Harris

Carey Price just went inside the mind of a Greg Jennings: ''I put the team on my back!'' #Habs

kristi_lala kristi lawrence.

"Boston Police start investigation into robbery of first game of 2011 Stanley Cup playoffs. The game was believed to have been stolen by Carey Price. Accessory to the crime was believed to be one Brian Gionta. Stay tuned for updates."

lawyergirl77 lawyergirl77

Guys, Gomez is new Kovalev. We'll love him in playoffs and wonder where the heck THAT guy was during regular season. #Habs #Illtakeitanyway

DaveZeile09 David Zeile

I just jaywalked through downtown Philly traffic in order to high five a guy in a Caps jersey on the other side of the street. Solidarity.

IKyleCliffordFC K Clifford Fan Club

Charlie Sheen has tiger blood... Kyle Clifford has a tiger in his backyard that he swings around by the tail when he's bored

touteparpillee Lyse

Les stats ne sont que des références historiques. Ce qu'a pu accomplir une équipe dans le passé n'a aucune incidence sur le futur.

AndrewBHDL Andrew Bernier

Duncs is going Inigo Montoya on Torres tonight. Guaranteed. "Hello! My name is Duncan Keith! You injured my partner! Prepare to die!"

wraparoundcurl Wrap Around Curl

I love Vancouver/Chicago games. It's like watching a couple loudly break up in public.

MARKOV_HABFAN79 Stephanie Rossi

T-minus 42 (long) minutes for Habs n Bos Game 6 nail bitting,colored words,drinking,shot nerves,heartattacks n launching stuff at TV. #habs

canadagraphs Canadagraphs

Tums, check. Pepcid AC, check. Gravol, check. Suicide prevention hotline #, check. Ok, ready for the #Canucks game.

Dingwell Robin Dingwell

It's official, when Ryan White has skates on, "giving a fuck" is not in his dictionary ... #habs #nhl #bruins

DownGoesBrown Down Goes Brown

I would marry a man made out of the first round of the 2011 NHL playoffs.

I don't mean to name favourites but I really, really liked these:

ekoreen Eric Koreen

OH MY GOD SPORTS CALM DOWN.

SuicidePass Ace

actually thought to myself: "if Ignatieff doesn't win next Tuesday, Harper's going to have all the momentum going into Game 7."#playoffs

thekidcanada Kid Canada

HOW DARE PEOPLE ON TWITTER SUPPORT A DIFFERENT PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAM FROM THE PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAM THAT I SUPPORT

There goes the season.

2011-04-27T23:42:00.000-04:00

I almost can't talk about it.

The good news is that I'll probably spend less time at the pubs. I'll probably eat better. Hell, I'll probably have a normal appetite again. Maybe have heartburn a little less often. Fewer stress headaches. I might stop biting my nails - they were a whole lot longer when the playoffs started. I can finally stop chewing on my bottom lip. My non-hockey friends won't have the inconvenience of watching hockey with me. I can attempt to catch up on my TV, and maybe go to the movies. (Sidenote: does anyone remember the last movie I saw in theatres?) I'll have a little more time to watch the NBA playoffs. Eventually I'll spend a bit less time nervously checking Twitter and wondering which Habs are going to be scratched for tonight's game.

But I'd rather be away from home, malnourished, nails chewed up, attention span questionable, DVR full of unwatched goodness, than be without my Habs.

I'm not saying the Canadiens should have won the Stanley Cup, but it shouldn't have ended this way. A huge season, followed by a thrilling seven-game series, came down to one goal. One puck. And then it was over.

I'm proud of my Habs regardless. They showed the kind of tenacity and dedication that we should all hope to have in our personal and professional lives, and I wasn't ready for their season to end, but that's because it was such a good season.